As you travelled to Port Foozle, the Inquisivision broadcast still played in your mind. \u201cPropaganda on Parade!\u201d began the announcer. \u201cBrought to you by Frobozz Electric, makers of the Frobozz Electric Totemizer! Frobozz Electric: we bring bad things to light! Thirty-fourth of Frobuary, 1067 GUE, Eastlands. Port Foozle liberated! Empire freed from tyranny of magic! Gone are the days of turning castles into fudge, and eggs into ripe guano, Gone are the Grues and granola, the Flatheads and the foolishness. Today, the Magic Wars are over!\u201d The announcer was then replaced by Grand Inquisitor Mir Yannick making an announcement. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cShun magic,\u201d he ordered, \u201cand shun the appearance of magic! Shun everything! And then, shun shunning!\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cSo said the Grand Inquisitor from atop Flathead Mesa,\u201d continued the announcer, \u201cwhere the grateful masses thronged to welcome Inquisition troops to newly-occupied Port Foozle. The Third Dungeon Master has accepted the Inquisitor\u2019s generous offer of a permanent vacation. Today, the Dungeon Master read a brief, but impassioned, statement in support of the transitional Inquisition government. Rumors that the Dungeon Master is leading a so-called Magic Resistance are entirely false.\u201d You snorted when that bit replayed in your head. You wanted to learn magic, but, because of magic fading from the Empire, you were stuck becoming a Frobozz Vacuum seller. \u201cIn other news,\u201d the announcer continued in your head, \u201cthe standoff at the Enchanter\u2019s Guild ended peacefully last week when the Enchanters were freed from themselves by caring Inquisition troops.\u201d That elicited another snort from you. \u201cConcerned citizens everywhere searched high and low for hidden scrolls and magic contraband, voluntarily purging themselves of the worst excesses of the Magic Revolution. And, finally, at tomorrow\u2019s ceremony, the Grand Inquisitor is expected to announce a radical, new mind-numbing technology that will implement his visionary \u2018One Point of Light\u2019 program.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cNever forget who is the boss of you,\u201d boomed Yannick. \u201cME! I AM THE BOSS OF YOU! I AM THE BOSS OF YOU!\u201d That phrase repeated in your head as you remembered the footage of a wrecking ball smashing the mailbox of the Historic White House, condemned by Yannick. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cCurfew will begin in one second,\u201d said a loudspeaker, snapping you out of your thoughts. You were at a crossroads and there were two signs pointed in either direction. One pointed towards Port Foozle, the other said \u201cElsewhere\u201d. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cWait, curfew?!\u201d you yelped. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cCURFEW!\u201d shouted the loudspeaker attached to the sign. \u201cCurfew has begun. Curfew began one second ago. Curfew began five seconds ago.\u201d It then went on like that for a while. You grumbled on your way to the town\u2019s limits. All you had to your name was the vacuum cleaner and the rope you got from Frobozz Electric\u2019s sign stating how many it totemized daily. It was hung up as a hangman\u2019s noose, but you felt it could have another use, so you undid it and stuffed it into your pack. As you approached Port Foozle, you noticed a strange blue glow coming from the town. You proceeded to follow the glow to Foozle. It faded as you got closer. You figured now would be a great time to get the vacuum cleaner sold. Curfew was actually a perfect time for you. You had a pass saying you could break it as you were working for Frobozz Electric. However, no one was looking to buy it. You then heard a shop keeper. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cFISH HEADS!\u201d she shouted. \u201cFISH HEADS! GET YOUR ROLY POLY FISH HEADS!\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cFish heads?\u201d you muttered to yourself. You then heard your stomach rumble, so you try to swipe a fish. No way was Frobozz Electric going to cover it with the pitiful salary they give you. However, an alarm sounded at your attempt at theft. The shop keeper came out, swinging her rolling pin! <\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cTrying to steal my fish?!\u201d she roared. \u201cGet your own!\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cCome on!\u201d you wailed. \u201cI\u2019m hungry!\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cLook, it\u2019s past curfew!\u201d said the shop keeper. \u201cYou\u2019re lucky I don\u2019t turn you in just for hanging around my shop! Now get out of here!\u201d When she was satisfied you were far enough from her shop, the shop keeper returned inside. Your stomach gave you more anguish. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cShut up!\u201d you shouted at it. \u201cI just had a salad an hour ago! What more do you want from me?!\u201d Your stomach rumbled again. \u201cLook, the \u2018nice\u2019 lady won\u2019t give us anything with protein!\u201d you said, trying to appeal to your stomach\u2019s sense of logic. \u201cShe doesn\u2019t have a pass like we do to break curfew!\u201d Your stomach wasn\u2019t in a logical mood as it growled again. \u201cYou know what, between you and the propaganda machine blaring in the background, I can\u2019t think straight!\u201d The machine you were talking about was next to the fish shop. All of a sudden, it gave you an idea. The Frobozz Electric Propaganda Megaphone was a project you were forced to work on, so you knew how to operate it. It had three settings. The highest was titled \u201cThat\u2019s the Spirit\u201d, middle was called \u201cSame as the Rest\u201d, and the last level was \u201cAny Lower and\u2026\u201d. Someone had put packing tape below that and scrawled \u201c\u2026you will be totemized.\u201d You pressed the green button, bringing the volume up to its highest position. The shop keeper heard it. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cWould somebody turn that damn speaker down?!\u201d she shouted. \u201cI can\u2019t hear anything over that racket!\u201d You decided to chance it! You safely swiped the fish and discovered a can of Mead Lite, still attached to the six-pack can holder. Once you got a safe distance away, you cooked your fish and ate it, your stomach appreciating the meal. You then turned the volume back to \u201cSame as the Rest\u201d. After that, you found a building that you hadn\u2019t visited. It was a pawn shop with a sign saying, \u201cLanterns Repaired\u201d. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cLanterns,\u201d you whispered with a hint of dreaminess. You then knocked on the door and a panel on the door slid open to reveal a person\u2019s eyes. The eyes looked familiar. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cNo autographs!\u201d barked the person. \u201cI don\u2019t do that anymore. Now beat it! Scram!\u201d He shut the panel. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cWas that…no…it can\u2019t be,\u201d you muttered to yourself. You knocked again. \u201cSir?!\u201d you call. The man came back. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cIt\u2019s past curfew,\u201d he responded, \u201cand I can\u2019t afford any trouble. I can\u2019t afford jack, and I AM Jack!\u201d He shut the panel again. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201c…It has to be!\u201d you said to yourself. You then knocked again. Jack came back. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cI let you in,\u201d he grumbled, \u201cthey bust me, you walk, and I go to jail! No thanks, go find yourself another patsy!\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cBut I\u2019m not looking for refuge!\u201d you protested as you produced the vacuum cleaner. \u201cI work for Frobozz Electric and have an excellent deal for you and your floors!\u201d Jack wasn\u2019t having it.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cNo, that\u2019s all right. YOU keep it.\u201d As he was shutting the panel, you produced the Mead Lite. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cBut, perhaps you need a nice, refreshing-!\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cMead Lite? Do I look like the kind of a guy who drinks light mead? Besides, I don\u2019t drink anything that\u2019s attached to…that thing, you know, the one that kills the fish.\u201d He shut the panel and you decided to give up with him. You looked around and saw a very faint blue glow by the docks, just as the propaganda megaphone said that the rumors surrounding it were grossly exaggerated and any investigations surrounding it not conducted by the Inquisition would result in totemization. You found an automatic hook by the docks, used to replace the old fishing rod method. You figured that another fish would ensure that you had breakfast tomorrow, so you lowered the hook. You waited a bit before something tugged the line, causing it to go up and reveal a large fish with a horn between its eyes. It then spoke! <\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cYou wouldn’t be fishing for anything in particular, now would you?\u201d it asked \u201cCause, see, I’m a fish, and you’re, you know, fishing, so I gotta ask…\u201d Its demeanor then changed. \u201cYOU WANNA PIECE OF ME, DOCK BOY! Or dock girl, I can’t really tell, all you people look the same.\u201d He then back-flipped off the hook. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cNow THAT\u2019S a meal!\u201d you said. You then remembered Jack saying that the six-pack holder kills fish, so you took it off the Mead Lite can and attach it to the hook before lowering it again. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cHELP…ME!\u201d the fish choked under the waves \u201cCAN\u2019T…BREATHE! LOW…PAIN…THRESHOLD!\u201d It then gave up, saying \u201cI have shamed the family!\u201d The hook then brought something up that WASN\u2019T the fish! It was a box of something. You opened the box to reveal a red lantern. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cYou\u2019re not food!\u201d you wailed. Then, you remembered. The pawn shop said it could repair lanterns. Time to see if it was a bait-and-switch or not. You return to the pawn shop and knock again. Jack opened the panel. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cLook, I already told you-!\u201d he began. He stopped when he clapped eyes on the lantern. \u201cHoly Hungus!\u201d He shut the panel before opening the door to reveal… you couldn\u2019t believe it! It was him! <\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cANTHARIA JACK!\u201d you squeed. Yes, it was him! The famous Movie Star from the Great Underground Adventure<\/em> series! You were a real big fan of his when you were a child! <\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cYeah, yeah, that\u2019s me!\u201d said Jack. He then took the lantern and held it up to admire it. \u201cA genuine lantern! Looks like that one I had with me when I killed that troll with my rusty knife in Great Underground Adventure IV<\/em>.\u201d Now that you look at it, the lantern DID look the exact shape and shade of red like the one Jack used. <\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cIt was pretty hard to come by, Jack!\u201d you exclaimed, still giddy at meeting your childhood hero. <\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cThat, I can believe,\u201d assured Jack. \u201cNowadays, all you get are flashlights, courtesy of Frobozz Electric.\u201d He then remembered something about you. \u201cWeren\u2019t you selling a vacuum cleaner on their behalf?\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cYeah,\u201d you admitted. \u201cI work for them. I worked on the flashlight project among various other-.\u201d you were interrupted by the lantern sparking, spooking the both of you. <\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cGet in here!\u201d invited Jack. You noticed a brief look of fear on him, but decided he was just startled, so you followed him inside. He led you to his counter and set the lantern down while grabbing a cigar with an automatic starter on it. \u201cGo ahead,\u201d he offered as he presented the case of cigars. \u201cI heisted a whole crate off the Inquisition.\u201d Your eyes went wide with admiration as the thought of Antharia Jack stealing cigars from Mir Yannick himself rampaged across your mind. \u201cWell,\u201d Jack elaborated, \u201cI know a guy who knows a guy who heisted a whole crate off the Inquisition. And, I paid him. Now, where\u2019s my wrench?\u201d He made his way to the back to get said tool. You looked at the cigars and took one. Your uncle would love it. Jack came back with the wrench. He sighed as he examined the lantern. \u201cLooks like this lamp has seen some action,\u201d he observed. <\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cHow can you tell?\u201d you asked. <\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cGot a lot of carbon scoring here,\u201d explained Jack as he took the wrench and started tightening the top with it. \u201cLet\u2019s see if we can\u2019t just…take a little…\u201d he strained as he turned. Just then, the lantern sparked again! Jack backed away a bit as it sparked. \u201cWhat\u2019s making it spark like that?\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cYou\u2019re the guy who fixes these things!\u201d you protested. \u201cYou tell me!\u201d Jack sniffed the air. <\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cYou smell…spenseweed?\u201d he asked. You then sniffed the air. <\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cThere IS a distinct spenseweed smell here,\u201d you confirmed. The lantern then started sparking again, continuously! A male voice could be heard over the sparking! <\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cWhere am I?!\u201d it asked. Jack then took out a tennis racket. <\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cLet me handle this!\u201d he said. He then started whacking the lantern. The voice then started saying \u201cOW!\u201d at every hit. <\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cCUT IT OUT!\u201d demanded the voice. The sparking and voice then stopped. <\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cI don\u2019t believe it!\u201d you breathed. \u201cIt\u2019s a magic lantern!\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cHope nobody saw you come in with that lantern!\u201d gasped Jack. <\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cCome on!\u201d you exclaimed. \u201cThis lantern may be the key in restoring magic to the Empire!\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cWhat are you babbling about?!\u201d asked Jack. <\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201c…Th-there\u2019s an adventure,\u201d you explained, confused at Jack\u2019s reaction. \u201cWe need to bring magic back.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cNo, we don\u2019t!\u201d snapped Jack. \u201cYOU\u2019RE getting out of here and I\u2019M turning this thing in to the Inquisition tomorrow morning!\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cWHAT?! But you\u2019re Antharia Jack, the Great Adventurer! Not some flunky for the Inquisition!\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cOh, don\u2019t look at me like that. I\u2019m not a real adventurer! I just played one on T.V. I couldn\u2019t find my way out of a maze if you paid me.\u201d He then reconsidered his words. \u201cWell, maybe if you paid me a lot.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201c…The money?\u201d you said as a tear of betrayal went down your cheek. \u201cYou\u2019re just in it for the money?\u201d You couldn\u2019t believe it; your childhood hero was a phony. <\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cLook,\u201d snapped Jack as he pointed at the lantern, \u201cthis thing is magic! It\u2019s been a while, but I know it when I see it! Trust me, you DON\u2019T want this lamp! Now SCRAM!\u201d He then shoved you out of the shop. <\/p>\n\n\n\n <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" As you travelled to Port Foozle, the Inquisivision broadcast still played in your mind. \u201cPropaganda on Parade!\u201d began the announcer. \u201cBrought to you by Frobozz Electric, makers of the Frobozz Electric Totemizer! Frobozz Electric: we bring bad things to light! Thirty-fourth of Frobuary, 1067 GUE, Eastlands. Port Foozle liberated! Empire freed from tyranny of magic! 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