“Captain’s Log: Stardate 4129.84. After several days in a Klingon brig, those three idiots managed to break myself and the crew out. We’re making our way to their position now, then we’ll be getting back to the Enterprise and get out of Klingon space as fast as possible.”
Moe, Larry, and Curly were still in the torpedo bay when the Klingon medic approached them. “All right, you three,” she grunted. “You got physicals to complete. Let’s start with a baseline scan.” She pulled out her own tricorder and waved it around them. She got the readings and arched an eyebrow. She then tapped her main unit and tried again, still getting the same results. “…Heartbeat’s all wrong. …Your blood pressure’s…” Her eyes widened. “HUMANS! FEDERATION SCUM! SPIES!”
“Jiggers!” said Moe. He and his friends then grabbed her.
“GET OFF!” she roared as she flung the three off her. She then pressed the alarm!
Ka’Liegh and her subordinates heard the alarms. “What in-?!” asked the Petty Officer. Ka’Liegh got the report and her eyes widened.
“YOU IDIOT! THOSE WEREN’T NEW MEN! THEY’RE PART OF THE ENTERPRISE! CHECK THE PRISONERS!” An officer then burst into the room.
“Captain!” he said. “Kirk and his men escaped! They’re making their way to the transporter room!” Ka’Liegh then activated the intercom.
“All hands!” she ordered. “Kirk and his men are NOT to go back onto their ship! That includes three funny-looking humans disguised as Klingon men!”
“I’d hate to be those guys!” chuckled Curly as he and his friends heard the announcement.
“Shut up, Sponge-brain! They’re talking about us!” hissed Moe. “They’re gonna be giving us a haircut down to here!” He drew his finger across his neck.
“Oh no!” begged Curly. “I can’t die! I never got to see Andor! I’m too young to die! Too young and handsome!” He then looked at himself in the mirror and yelped at his reflection. “…Well, I’m too young.”
“Hey, we better find Jimmy and get out of here!” said Larry. “She said they broke out!”
“By golly, you’re right! I’ll lead the way!” Moe then shoved Larry and Curly ahead of him. “Go ahead!” The three men quickly got out of the room, then bumped into Ka’Liegh, her First Officer, and the Petty Officer!
“There you are!” snarled Ka’Liegh. The three humans yelped and tried to get away. Ka’Liegh grabbed Curly. “This is for your atrocious dancing!” She then smashed Curly in the chin repeatedly.
“Wait a minute!” said Curly after a good minute. “This is getting monotonous!”
“Oh, monotonous, eh?!” She then punched Curly in the gut.
“That’s different!” he said once he recovered. He then flexed his arm. “You see that?”
“Yeah?” Curly then punched her with his unwatched fist. “WHY YOU!” Ka’Liegh drew her knife and was about to stab Curly!
“CAPTAIN KA’LIEGH!” called Kirk’s voice. She turned to see Kirk and the crew having saved Moe and Larry. “Why don’t you pick on someone your own size?”
“…Quite right,” replied Ka’Liegh. “This fat one can’t even kill a wounded Targ!” She and Kirk began circling each other. Spock got everyone except Kirk to the transporter room.
The Enterprise still had Klingons aboard, so the three Ensigns had volunteered to clean them out. “Okay, you rats! Come on in here!” Moe shouted down the hall. Larry and Curly hid behind each side of the door with steel poles. A Klingon arrived, then Larry and Curly hit him! Moe shoved the unconscious Klingon to the Transported. Scotty beamed him back to the Klingon ship. “Hey, you worm eaters! This is the beginning of the second front!” Moe shouted down the hall. Two Klingons arrived and were promptly knocked out and beamed back to their ship. “Okay, skunks! Come on!” This process was repeated as Sulu, Chekov, Uhura, and Spock made their way to the bridge. Soon, the ship was cleaned of Klingons and a shirtless Kirk was beamed back.
“FEDERATION TREACHERY!” shouted Ka’Liegh as she returned to the bridge. “Arm weapons and raise shields! I’ll blow the Enterprise out of the sky if I have to!”
“Captain, there’s no sky in-” said a pedantic Klingon.
“Torpedoes armed!” called the tactical officer.
“FIRE!” An explosion then rocked the ship. “REPORT!”
“Torpedo explosion in Tube 3!” said the tactical officer.
“Those three!” snarled the Petty Officer.
“We’re venting too much plasma!” reported an engineer.
“Captain!” called Sulu. “The Klingons! Their torpedo tube just blew up!”
“I’d say discretion is the better part of valor,” replied Kirk. “Scotty, are you in Main Engineering?”
“Already here, Sir! Everything’s fixed up for an escape at maximum warp!”
“Chekov, set course for Federation Territory and punch it!”
“Aye, Sir!” replied Chekov. He followed his orders quickly and the Enterprise escaped.
“Captain, the Enterprise-!” called the Klingon helmsman.
“I have eyes!” snarled Ka’Liegh. She slumped in her chair.
“We can’t pursue in this condition,” grunted the First Officer. “I’ll find the idiots responsible for letting those three men aboard and execute them.”
“Belay that,” said Ka’Liegh. “No executions.”
“…Protocol explicitly states-!”
“Blast your protocol! Tra’gh, do you really think ANYONE on this ship will survive this blemish on our honor if this gets back home?! As far as you’re aware, it was a mechanical error that caused the torpedo to blow up in the tube. Make sure EVERYONE aboard shares that understanding. We NEVER went into Federation territory and I NEVER wore a blasted miniskirt!”
Back on the Enterprise, Moe, Larry, and Curly were in the conference room with Kirk. “Gentlemen, I don’t know how, but you’ve managed to save the ship and its crew. For that, Starfleet thanks you and wishes to reward you with command of your own outpost.”
“Our own command?!” cheered Moe.
“Where?!” asked Larry.
“A top-secret research station on Telarin IV,” explained Kirk.
“Oh boy! We’re gonna be commanders!” cheered Curly. “I can see it now! Me and my men, all ready to charge!”
“Yeah, charge double for the stuff you buy!” snarked Moe.
“Gentlemen, please,” said Kirk. The three stopped arguing. “Now, we’re approaching the planet and you’ll be beamed down whenever you’re ready.”
“Come on, boys!” called Moe. “We gotta start packing!” The three men then sped out of the room. McCoy sighed.
“Telarin IV,” he muttered. “No one’s interested in that planet.”
“I presume,” said Spock, “that this was your recommendation, Jim?”
“No, it was Captain McIntyre’s,” replied Kirk. “She knows more about remote planets than me.”
“Well then, Captain,” chuckled McCoy, “I think we all could do with some shore leave to recover from this.”
“An excellent idea, Bones!” agreed Kirk. He then called the bridge. “Mr. Sulu, once we’re done here, set course for a nearby vacation planet.”
“Aye, aye, Captain,” replied Sulu. The call ended and Kirk, McCoy, and Spock headed for the door. They all tried to leave at the same time.
“Spread out!” snapped McCoy. He then realized what he said. Kirk couldn’t resist a jab.
“Doctor, I believe Mr. Spock’s the only one with the hair for that phrase,” he chuckled.
“Captain,” replied Spock, “I do not see Moe Howard with Vulcan ears.” The three then left the room in an orderly fashion as Moe, Larry, and Curly were beamed down to the planet.