A Taste of Stupidity

Act IV

“Captain’s Log: Stardate 4129.84. After several days in a Klingon brig, those three idiots managed to break myself and the crew out. We’re making our way to their position now, then we’ll be getting back to the Enterprise and get out of Klingon space as fast as possible.”

Moe, Larry, and Curly were still in the torpedo bay when the Klingon medic approached them. “All right, you three,” she grunted. “You got physicals to complete. Let’s start with a baseline scan.” She pulled out her own tricorder and waved it around them. She got the readings and arched an eyebrow. She then tapped her main unit and tried again, still getting the same results. “…Heartbeat’s all wrong. …Your blood pressure’s…” Her eyes widened. “HUMANS! FEDERATION SCUM! SPIES!”

“Jiggers!” said Moe. He and his friends then grabbed her.

“GET OFF!” she roared as she flung the three off her. She then pressed the alarm!

Ka’Liegh and her subordinates heard the alarms. “What in-?!” asked the Petty Officer. Ka’Liegh got the report and her eyes widened.


“Captain!” he said. “Kirk and his men escaped! They’re making their way to the transporter room!” Ka’Liegh then activated the intercom.

“All hands!” she ordered. “Kirk and his men are NOT to go back onto their ship! That includes three funny-looking humans disguised as Klingon men!”

“I’d hate to be those guys!” chuckled Curly as he and his friends heard the announcement.

“Shut up, Sponge-brain! They’re talking about us!” hissed Moe. “They’re gonna be giving us a haircut down to here!” He drew his finger across his neck.

“Oh no!” begged Curly. “I can’t die! I never got to see Andor! I’m too young to die! Too young and handsome!” He then looked at himself in the mirror and yelped at his reflection. “…Well, I’m too young.”

“Hey, we better find Jimmy and get out of here!” said Larry. “She said they broke out!”

“By golly, you’re right! I’ll lead the way!” Moe then shoved Larry and Curly ahead of him. “Go ahead!” The three men quickly got out of the room, then bumped into Ka’Liegh, her First Officer, and the Petty Officer!

“There you are!” snarled Ka’Liegh. The three humans yelped and tried to get away. Ka’Liegh grabbed Curly. “This is for your atrocious dancing!” She then smashed Curly in the chin repeatedly.

“Wait a minute!” said Curly after a good minute. “This is getting monotonous!”

“Oh, monotonous, eh?!” She then punched Curly in the gut.

“That’s different!” he said once he recovered. He then flexed his arm. “You see that?”

“Yeah?” Curly then punched her with his unwatched fist. “WHY YOU!” Ka’Liegh drew her knife and was about to stab Curly!

“CAPTAIN KA’LIEGH!” called Kirk’s voice. She turned to see Kirk and the crew having saved Moe and Larry. “Why don’t you pick on someone your own size?”

“…Quite right,” replied Ka’Liegh. “This fat one can’t even kill a wounded Targ!” She and Kirk began circling each other. Spock got everyone except Kirk to the transporter room.

The Enterprise still had Klingons aboard, so the three Ensigns had volunteered to clean them out. “Okay, you rats! Come on in here!” Moe shouted down the hall. Larry and Curly hid behind each side of the door with steel poles. A Klingon arrived, then Larry and Curly hit him! Moe shoved the unconscious Klingon to the Transported. Scotty beamed him back to the Klingon ship. “Hey, you worm eaters! This is the beginning of the second front!” Moe shouted down the hall. Two Klingons arrived and were promptly knocked out and beamed back to their ship. “Okay, skunks! Come on!” This process was repeated as Sulu, Chekov, Uhura, and Spock made their way to the bridge. Soon, the ship was cleaned of Klingons and a shirtless Kirk was beamed back.

“FEDERATION TREACHERY!” shouted Ka’Liegh as she returned to the bridge. “Arm weapons and raise shields! I’ll blow the Enterprise out of the sky if I have to!”

“Captain, there’s no sky in-” said a pedantic Klingon.


“Torpedoes armed!” called the tactical officer.

“FIRE!” An explosion then rocked the ship. “REPORT!”

“Torpedo explosion in Tube 3!” said the tactical officer.

“Those three!” snarled the Petty Officer.

“We’re venting too much plasma!” reported an engineer.

“Captain!” called Sulu. “The Klingons! Their torpedo tube just blew up!”

“I’d say discretion is the better part of valor,” replied Kirk. “Scotty, are you in Main Engineering?”

“Already here, Sir! Everything’s fixed up for an escape at maximum warp!”

“Chekov, set course for Federation Territory and punch it!”

“Aye, Sir!” replied Chekov. He followed his orders quickly and the Enterprise escaped.

“Captain, the Enterprise-!” called the Klingon helmsman.

“I have eyes!” snarled Ka’Liegh. She slumped in her chair.

“We can’t pursue in this condition,” grunted the First Officer. “I’ll find the idiots responsible for letting those three men aboard and execute them.”

“Belay that,” said Ka’Liegh. “No executions.”

“…Protocol explicitly states-!”

“Blast your protocol! Tra’gh, do you really think ANYONE on this ship will survive this blemish on our honor if this gets back home?! As far as you’re aware, it was a mechanical error that caused the torpedo to blow up in the tube. Make sure EVERYONE aboard shares that understanding. We NEVER went into Federation territory and I NEVER wore a blasted miniskirt!”

“…Aye, Captain.”

Back on the Enterprise, Moe, Larry, and Curly were in the conference room with Kirk. “Gentlemen, I don’t know how, but you’ve managed to save the ship and its crew. For that, Starfleet thanks you and wishes to reward you with command of your own outpost.”

“Our own command?!” cheered Moe.

“Where?!” asked Larry.

“A top-secret research station on Telarin IV,” explained Kirk.

“Oh boy! We’re gonna be commanders!” cheered Curly. “I can see it now! Me and my men, all ready to charge!”

“Yeah, charge double for the stuff you buy!” snarked Moe.

“Gentlemen, please,” said Kirk. The three stopped arguing. “Now, we’re approaching the planet and you’ll be beamed down whenever you’re ready.”

“Come on, boys!” called Moe. “We gotta start packing!” The three men then sped out of the room. McCoy sighed.

“Telarin IV,” he muttered. “No one’s interested in that planet.”

“I presume,” said Spock, “that this was your recommendation, Jim?”

“No, it was Captain McIntyre’s,” replied Kirk. “She knows more about remote planets than me.”

“Well then, Captain,” chuckled McCoy, “I think we all could do with some shore leave to recover from this.”

“An excellent idea, Bones!” agreed Kirk. He then called the bridge. “Mr. Sulu, once we’re done here, set course for a nearby vacation planet.”

“Aye, aye, Captain,” replied Sulu. The call ended and Kirk, McCoy, and Spock headed for the door. They all tried to leave at the same time.

“Spread out!” snapped McCoy. He then realized what he said. Kirk couldn’t resist a jab.

“Doctor, I believe Mr. Spock’s the only one with the hair for that phrase,” he chuckled.

“Captain,” replied Spock, “I do not see Moe Howard with Vulcan ears.” The three then left the room in an orderly fashion as Moe, Larry, and Curly were beamed down to the planet.

A Taste of Stupidity


“Captain’s Log: Stardate 4063.4. A woman aboard the Enterprise has just revealed herself to be the infamous Ka’Liegh, a ruthless Klingon and Captain of the starship, Ma’kugh. She has taken the three Ensigns as her hostages, and it is clear she is seeking revenge for her brother after the Organian Peace Treaty.”

“Captain Ka’Liegh,” urged Kirk, “there’s no need for rash actions.”

“I assure you, this whole thing was premeditated over the years,” replied Ka’Liegh. “There is no rashness here. I was going to sabotage the weapons and shields of your ship myself, but these three were so stupid that they did the work FOR me! Even the self-destruct is gone!”

“Just a minute, we didn’t do anything like that!” snarled Moe.

“Oh please, you three don’t know a wrench from a laser pointer!” snarled Ka’Liegh.

“Hey! I resemble that remark!” snapped Curly.

“Quit squawking!” said Larry as he smacked Curly.

“Who’re you hitting?!” hissed Moe as he poked Larry’s eyes.

“That’s enough!” snarled Ka’Liegh. She returned her attention to Kirk. “Now, since your ship has no means of defending itself or dying in a glorious fireball, I would advise you to surrender when Uhura detects my ship in three…two…one…”

“Captain Kirk! Captain Kirk!” called Uhura. “Sensors detected a Klingon Battleship off the starboard bow!” Kirk glared at the smirking Klingon woman.

“…Stand down,” he said.

“…Sir?” asked Uhura.

“All hands, stand down,” repeated Kirk.

“I knew you’d see reason,” purred Ka’Liegh. “On behalf of the I.K.S. Ma’kugh, I welcome you to an extended stay within the Klingon Empire!”

Klingon boarding parties rounded up the Enterprise crew and placed guards on them. Kirk and his usual bridge crew were placed in the Ma’kugh’s brig and spent several days there as the Ma’kugh towed the Enterprise into Klingon territory. “I never thought I’d see the day,” muttered Chekov, “when I would be stuck in a Klingon’s brig.”

“None of us thought we’d see the day, Chekov,” replied Sulu.

“The Captain, I can understand, but why us?”

“To install their own bridge crew would be the logical assessment, Mr. Chekov,” replied Spock.

“What about those three men?” asked Uhura.

“If I might speak freely,” said Nurse Chapel, “if all our hopes rest on them, we’re doomed.”

Moe, Larry, and Curly were still on the Enterprise, hiding in Sick Bay. “We gotta free the Captain somehow!” said Moe. “We’re in a tough spot!”

“Yeah, it’s gonna take brains to get out of this,” replied Larry.

“That’s why I said we’re in a tough spot!” snarled Moe. That was when a Klingon man stepped in. His beard looked patchy, so he grabbed a follicle stimulator and rubbed it on the patchy spots to make the hair on his chin grow into a full beard. He then sculpted it into the usual goatee style and left. “By golly, I got it!” said Moe.

“You better have it, or we’re gonna get it!” said Curly.

“Quiet!” hissed Moe. He then took the follicle stimulator. “Here, start rubbing this on you! We’re gonna get ourselves some Klingon uniforms!”

“Oh! Sneaking onto the-!” realized Curly. Moe then clapped his hand over his friend’s mouth.

“Not so loud, you nitwit! Here!” He handed the follicle stimulator to Curly. “Get busy!”

Once the three grew their beards, they hid in the corridors. A Klingon passed by. Moe bonked the Klingon on the head. The Klingon blinked. “What in…?” That was when he passed out from the blow.

“This guy’s clothes should fit me!” said Moe as he started hauling the Klingon away.

“What about us?” asked Curly.

“Go get your own!” Moe took his Klingon to a secret area.

“Oh, a hoarder, huh?!” said Larry.

“Well, hoarders is hoarders!” chuckled Curly. They hid themselves in compartments in the walls as two Klingons their size passed by.

“And what did the Captain say?” asked the larger one.

“She said that I honored my house with how quickly I moved in helping capture this crate!” replied the other.

“Praise well deserved!” laughed the larger one.

“I think I’ll see what Kirk’s-!” Larry then kicked the smaller one in the rear. The smaller one thought it was his friend. “What did you kick me for?!”

“…I didn’t kick you,” replied the larger one. The Klingons were then both kicked by Larry and Curly, then turned on each other. “DISHONORABLE ROGUE! KICKING ME FROM BEHIND!”


“LIAR!” The two Klingons then grappled, then Larry and Curly bonked them on their heads and knocked them out.

Once the three Klingons were shoved somewhere else, Moe, Larry, and Curly stepped out in their Klingon disguises. A Klingon officer then stopped them. “You three are just what I need,” he said. “We need new watchmen for the prisoners. Return to the ship and report to the brig.”

“That’s where Jimmy is!” realized Moe. The three then turned to the Klingon and saluted. “We’re on our way, Chief!” They then dashed to the transporter room.

“…Klingons excited for guard duty?” he muttered. “…Well, it IS Kirk.” He then returned to his duties.

The three were transported to the Klingon vessel and soon found their way to the brig. Kirk goggled when he saw them. “…Doctor, those men ARE human, yes?” McCoy was allowed to keep his tricorder, so he took a scan of them when they approached the cells.

“They’re human, all right,” replied McCoy.

“Captain, it’s great to see you again!” said Moe.

“What is the meaning of this?” asked Spock.

“Rescuing you, of course!” replied Larry.

“You three?” asked Kirk in disbelief.

“It’s all right, we got something in case WE can’t bust you guys out,” said Curly. He presented a tool case.

“Laddies, you’re the most considerate men I’ve met!” praised Scotty.

“You three find a way to get us out,” said Kirk. “We’ll wait here and plot a backup plan.”

“Aye, aye, Sir!” replied Larry and Curly as they saluted, hitting Moe in the process. Moe grabbed the tool case from Curly and handed it to Scotty. They then headed out and bumped into the Klingon Petty Officer.

“So!” he snarled. “Idle do-nothings! Just for that, you’ll get no breakfast until your job is finished!” He shoved a pole-like device to Curly. “You three clean Torpedo Tube 3! I’ll inspect it after breakfast!” Curly then held it like a rifle and turned, whacking Moe, Larry, and the Petty Officer in the process.

“COME ON!” snarled Moe as he and Larry dragged Curly along. They then arrived at the Torpedo Tube. “Don’t worry, kid, we’ll smuggle some grub for you.”

“Oh boy!” cheered Curly. “Make it roast turkey and dumplings! And cranberry sauce! And smother the whole thing in gravy! But no beans!”

“…Of course, Commodore,” replied Moe. He then smacked Curly. “Get away!” He and Larry then headed to the mess hall as Curly grunted in protest. His mood then changed.

“I don’t care! I get to eat!”

An hour later, Moe came back. “I brought you some food,” he said to Curly.

“Oh, goodie! Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! Gimme!” He then saw that the food was a plate of purple beans with pink polka dots on them. “Aw, this is Klingon beans! Listen you!”

“Quiet! That’s all the beardies have.” Larry then arrived.

“I brought you some breakfast!” he said.

“That’s what I call a pal!” Curly said to Moe. “Roast turkey, stuffed breasts, oh I love it!” No, it wasn’t. It was a repeat of Moe’s food! “NyaaAA! Beans! That’s all I get is beans! BEANS!”

“Here comes the Petty Officer!” warned Moe.

“Ditch the beans!” hissed Moe. They shoved the beans into the Torpedo Tube, then got busy cleaning the exterior wall. The Petty Officer arrived.

“Is that tube cleaned?” he asked.

“I should think so,” replied Moe.

“I’ll look.” The Petty Officer then looked inside. “THIS TUBE IS FILTHY, I TELL YOU! WHERE DID YOU LEARN HOW TO CLEAN?! SWAB IT OUT!” The three busied themselves, but the tube didn’t get any cleaner. “COME ON! WHEN I ASK FOR SERVICE, GIVE IT TO ME!” The three humans shrugged and cleaned in a fashion that flung beans onto the Petty Officer. “HEY!” he shouted. The men stopped. “FOR THIS, I’LL HAVE YOU THROWN INTO THE WARP COILS!”

“PETTY OFFICER KARET!” shouted a voice. It was Ka’Liegh’s First Officer. “So, that’s the game! Wasting precious beans from the Captain’s home! I hope she didn’t see you!”

“B-But Sir-!”

“No excuses! I’ll discipline you when you get yourself cleaned!” As they argued, Curly used the pole device to clean the Torpedo Tube. He didn’t notice that the pole hit Moe. First it hit his cheek. Then it hit his eye, then the other eye.

“Hey, you!” said Moe. “Cut-!” The pole ended up being shoved into his mouth. Moe took the pole out then swung in a way that flung the beans onto the First Officer. He turned on the Petty Officer.


Back with the Enterprise crew, Scotty was still fiddling with his cell’s mechanics. “Come on!” he urged himself. “Just one more…” The force field around his door then vanished. “Got it!” He soon set to work freeing his friends. It took less time to free them now that he knew how Klingons wired their brigs. Soon, the entire crew was free.

“Good work, Scotty!” said Kirk. “Now we just need to get our phasers.”

“You mean these phasers?” asked Uhura as she pulled one out of a storage compartment.

“Good eye, Uhura!” chuckled McCoy. The phasers were soon passed around.

“Well, ladies and gentlemen,” said Kirk, “all that’s left is to get those three and get to the transporter room.” The crew wasn’t exactly thrilled at picking up Moe, Larry, and Curly. “Look, they’re Federation citizens and we can’t leave them to the Klingons. I know they’re not…intellectually sound, but they still don’t deserve to be prisoners of the Klingon Empire.

Over in Ka’Liegh’s ready room, the Petty Officer finally got a chance to explain himself. “Captain, I tell you now, I didn’t do it! It was those three new men!”

“New men, my foot!” scoffed Ka’Liegh. “We didn’t get any new men!”

“But they must be new men! One was fat and bald! One had a bowl haircut! One had an exposed scalp and a mess of curly orange hair on the back of his head!”

“…Describe those men again.”

A Taste of Stupidity

Act II

“Captain’s Log: Stardate 4062.8. If I might allow personal feelings to get into this, I don’t know what the hell Starfleet was thinking of when allowing those three to become Ensigns! The entire crew is on edge thanks to their antics, myself included!”

“It took DAYS to reorganize everything in my cabinet!” snarled McCoy. “DAYS!”

“And Scotty’s running himself ragged trying to fix their messes!” supplied Uhura. “They’re a menace to Starfleet!”

“I must concur with Lieutenant Uhura,” said Spock. “Those three men are not the prime examples of humanity’s intelligence or technical skill. I have yet to come up with any answers, logical or otherwise, why Starfleet would allow them aboard a starship.”

“You’re looking for ILLOGICAL answers, Spock?” asked McCoy. “That’s it! It’s the end of times!”

“Where are those three men?” quizzed Kirk. “I want to see them.”

“At the moment, they are sweeping the corridors,” said Spock. “I pray they do not fail that task.”

As Spock said, Moe, Larry, and Curly were busy sweeping the halls of the Enterprise. Larry looked to make sure no one was looking, then swept the dust into an open wall panel. Unfortunately for him, Moe saw him. “Hey! You know better than that!” snarled Moe.

“Uh, do I?” asked Larry nervously.

“No.” Moe then slapped Larry’s scalp. “Get outta here!” While that went on, Curly saw an attractive-looking brunette woman in a gold command uniform.

“Oh!” he said. The woman looked to Curly and arched an eyebrow. Curly chuckled to himself and mimed slicking hair back. He then approached the woman. “Where have you been all my life, Toots?” he asked.

“Over on the other side of the Federation,” replied the woman.

“Well, good thing you came over on this side! Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk!” He then took her hand and danced with her. Moe saw this and growled.

“Wise guy! Dancing on the job!” He headed to Curly and tapped his shoulder. “May I cut in?” he asked sweetly.

“Soitenly!” replied Curly. He then danced with Moe. “Say, you ain’t a bad dancer!” Moe forgot about hitting Curly, giving the lady enough time to get away.

“You dance like you got your legs on backwards!” Moe said.

“Oh, I bet you tell that to all the boys!” giggled Curly. Moe then realized what was going on and smacked Curly’s cheeks.

“Get out, you!” he said. “Didn’t you see the stuff on her sleeves?! That was a Lieutenant!” Curly realized his mistake.

“I flirted with someone higher on the totem pole?!” he gulped.

“Hey, you think she’s gonna tell Starfleet?!” gulped Larry.

“Yeah, she would!”

“And you guys didn’t stop me in time!” gulped Curly.

“By golly, you’re right!” realized Moe. “She’ll have our commissions for this! Come on, we gotta get to the shuttle bay!”

The woman WAS going to the communications room to make a call. She gave the guards her clearance and reason for calling. The guards let her pass and she met the man running the room. “Hey, Kayley!” he said.

“Hey, Brandon!” replied the woman. “I gotta make a call to my folks at Starfleet Headquarters.”

“Sure thing! You want me to set up the line?”

“I can do it myself but thank you.”

“All right, see you later!” Brandon left and Kaylee looked to make sure no one was listening. She then put a tape in and pressed the necessary buttons. An alien voice then came out of the speaker. Kaylee then spoke in the same language! It was most unfortunate that a guard overheard that and recognized it as Klingonese! He pulled out his phaser, then Kaylee fired a disruptor at the poor man, making his heart burst and killing him!

Kaylee’s actions triggered an alarm. Kirk, McCoy, and a security team ran to the communications room and found the body. McCoy waved his tricorder over the body and got the readings. “…He’s dead, Jim,” he reported. “Klingon Disruptor.” Kirk activated the intercom.

“All hands, this is the Captain. Red alert. We have a Klingon spy aboard the ship. Repeat, we have a Klingon spy. Red alert.” The Red alert sirens then flashed.

“A Klingon spy?” Larry asked his partners.

“On the ship?” asked Curly.

“We gotta find that spy and fast!” said Moe. They dashed down the hall and bumped into Kaylee! “Lieutenant!” yelped Moe. He and his friends then tried to dust her down. “We’re sorry, Ma’am! Very sorry!”

“Wrong rank, you idiots!” snarled Kaylee as she leveled her disruptor at the three men.

“Hey! That looks like a Klingon weapon!” observed Curly.

“Why, so it does,” said Kaylee.

“Then that means-!” yelped Larry.

“That’s right!” replied Kaylee. Kirk and his team then rounded the corner. Kaylee grabbed Curly by the neck and put her Disruptor to his head. “Phasers down, boys!” she said. “Much as I would love to spatter this moron’s brains all over the walls, my revenge needs as many people alive as possible.”

“Revenge?” asked Kirk.

“On you, Kirk! For embarrassing my brother on Organia!”

“…Kor? You’re Kor’s sister?!”

“Indeed, Kirk! I am Ka’Liegh!” Everyone’s eyes widened in terror. They all knew exactly who this Klingon was and what she could do!

A Taste of Stupidity

Act I

“Captain’s Log: Stardate 4002.05. Captain McIntyre has just revealed the identity of the three Ensigns coming onboard the Enterprise. Native to Moronica, they’re not the brightest bulbs, to put it politely.”

“Captain McIntyre,” snarled McCoy, “what are you trying to pull here?!”

“Doctor, there is no logic in verbally sparring with her,” advised Spock. “She is simply following orders.”

“And I agree that they’re foolish orders,” said McIntyre, “but Starfleet didn’t give me much choice. Kirk, you must understand that I don’t want them on ANY Federation vessel, but they’re only Ensigns because they had been in the Senior Class at Starfleet Academy for too many years. As such, any Captain and crewmen that have been given those three are ordered to keep their identities secret and disclose them to no one on the condition that those three try hard and devote their lives to Starfleet.”

“With all due respect, those three can’t stay on task to save their lives,” replied Kirk. “There must be other Ensigns.”

“Other Ensigns, yes, but no ships capable of handling those three. Regretfully, not even my own.”

“Dammit, Jim, this is a Starfleet vessel, not a vaudeville theater!” hissed McCoy.

“We have to give them a chance, Doctor,” said Kirk. “For now, we’ll obey Starfleet. …McIntyre, are you due to talk to Starfleet, per chance?”

“As a matter of fact, I’m heading back to Starfleet Headquarters,” replied McIntyre. “Why, do you have a suggestion?”

“Is there a…’strategic area’ they could be overseeing?”

“Kirk, you and I are of the same mind. I already made the recommendation and Admiral Williams is looking into it. He’ll want timely reports on their progress, of course.”

“Oh, absolutely.”

“In the meantime, though, I must return to my ship. Good luck with them, Captain.”

“We’ll need all the luck we can get,” muttered McCoy.

“Farewell, McIntyre. And, again, congratulations on your new command.”

“Thank you, Kirk.”

As McIntyre returned to her ship, Moe, Larry, and Curly were busy painting the walls. Curly was singing a strange tune. “Oh, sell me a home! Where the cows often roam! And the swamps and the clouds play!” He then looked to Moe. “You know, I’m getting sick of Starfleet!”

“It was YOUR bright idea to join in the first place, Egghead!” snapped Moe. He then impersonated Curly’s voice. “‘Join Starfleet and see the galaxy! No more painting! Beautiful girls on every planet! Woo woo!’ I got a good mind to bust your skull!” He then felt a paintbrush go across the back of his head. He turned around and Larry, thanks to not paying attention, painted Moe’s face. “Why you!” Moe grabbed Larry’s shirt. “Does my head look like a wall to you?!”

“I don’t know, I haven’t seen your head lately,” replied Larry. Moe slapped his cheek.

“Get away from here!” Just then, Curly accidentally painted Moe’s head. He turned to Curly. “HEY!” he said. Curly stopped to listen to Moe. “Why don’t you look where you’re painting?!”

“I’m painting where I’m looking!” Curly then stuck out his tongue, then Moe painted it. Curly gagged, then barked at Moe. Moe then threw the paint bucket at Curly. Curly ducked and it spilled all over Nurse Chapel! Chapel cried out in disgust and got their attention. “Look what you did!” Moe blamed Curly. They then rushed up to her with rags. “We’re very sorry, toots!”

“We’ll get you cleaned up before you can say ‘Ticonderoga’!” promised Larry as they began wiping her off.

“If you can say ‘Ticonderoga’,” added Curly. The three men continued wiping, then Moe noticed something.

“Hey, wait a minute!” he yelped. The rags still had paint on them, so the mess on Chapel was only getting worse.

“YOU IDIOTS! GET OUT OF HERE!” shrieked Chapel. She grabbed the paint bucket, ready to throw it.

“Boys, I think we did this wall already!” gulped Moe. “RUN!” The three men ran from Chapel and into a sector of Main Engineering. They then sat down to catch their breath.

“Boy, that was a narrow escape,” sighed Larry.

“…Hey, don’t we have an assignment here?” asked Curly. An Andorian woman overheard that and prayed to her gods that they didn’t!

“Hey, yeah! We do!” replied Moe. He looked up the assignment. “We gotta look into the flow regulator to see what’s jamming it up!”

“Then what are we waiting for?” asked Larry.

“Nothing, Porcupine. Get the tools.”

“…What tools?”

“The tools we’ve been using for the last ten years!”

“Oh, THOSE tools!” Larry got out a toolkit and Curly found a handle on the wall. He read the sign. It said “Flow Regulator Access”.

“Hey, fellas! I found it!” he said.

“Good work, kid! Open her up!” called Moe as he and Larry checked the tools. Curly pulled on the handle, but the door didn’t budge.

“Hm!” Curly yanked again, but it didn’t move. “Stubborn, eh?!” He barked at the door, then yanked it off. “How do you like that? Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk!” He tossed the door away and it landed on Larry’s head.

“OW!” yelped Larry. Moe steadied him.

“Take it easy, kid! It was a great fight!” said Moe. After that, Moe and Larry joined Curly. He held out his hand for a tool.

“Penacanatay!” he said.

“Penacanatay!” replied Larry as he handed him the tool. Curly tapped the tool to the regulator.

“Labeesuk!” Curly held out his hand to Larry again.

“Labeesuk!” Larry gave Curly another tool.


“Pakooweybus!” Moe then saw the tool in Curly’s hand.

“Hey, wait a minute!” he yelped as he pointed to the tool. Curly got a look at it, then glared at Larry.

“I said PakooWAYbus!” he said.

“You trying to blow the ship up?!” asked Moe.

“Sorry! PakooWAYbus!” Larry handed Curly a different tool.

“There we go!” Curly then touched the tool to the Flow Regulator, then power went through the tool and into his body. Moe and Larry tried to pull him away, then power surged through them!

Back on the bridge, Uhura’s console went crazy. “What in the-?!” Spock heard her and saw what was going on.

“Lieutenant, I would advise you to back away,” he said.

“Don’t need to tell me twice!” Uhura got away from the console. In fact, everyone on the bridge gave that console a wide berth.

Back in Main Engineering, Moe and Larry got Curly away from the Flow Regulator. It finally stopped sparking as the three recovered. “…Pakoowaybus don’t work very good,” muttered Moe.


“It’s okay, Mr. Scott!” gulped Moe. “We was just fixing the Flow Regulator and-!”

“With a bloody laser spanner?! Are ye trying to blow the poor ship up?! Get out! Get out!! GET OUT!!!” The three men fled Main Engineering. Scotty ran his hands down his face, then saw the Andorian woman fixing the three’s “fix” and the initial problem. “Good work, Lass,” he said.

“Thank you, Sir.”

A Taste of Stupidity


“Captain’s Log: Stardate 4001.35, the Enterprise has been directed to pick up three new Ensigns from the remote Federation colony of Moronica. To my surprise, their identities have not been disclosed to myself or any member of my senior staff, which only raises questions of their character.”

Captain James T. Kirk strode to the conference room to see Spock and McCoy already seated. “Gentlemen, I don’t think I need to tell you that these nameless Ensigns worry me,” said Kirk.

“What’s wrong with a little surprise?” asked McCoy. “We didn’t know Chekov’s name until a few days after he came aboard.”

“Doctor,” replied Spock, “the Captain DID get a letter of recommendation vouching for Mr. Chekov’s character, so he had some frame of reference to work with.”

“Come on, you can’t expect Starfleet Captains to have a stack of recommendation letters in their file! Or for Starfleet to send them to every Captain!”

“Doctor McCoy, Starfleet regulations clearly state that every Ensign must have a recommendation letter to vouch that they are capable of working on a Starship.”

“Well, you can’t expect EVERY rule to be-!”

“Gentlemen, please,” interrupted Kirk. “Let’s not distract ourselves from the main topic. What DO we know about these three Ensigns?”

“All I got was that they were all male,” replied McCoy.

“Regretfully,” continued Spock, “the only data Lieutenant Uhura was able to get was that a Captain Christine McIntyre would be delivering these Ensigns.”

“Captain McIntyre?” Kirk smiled. “So, she’s become a Starship Captain, has she? What’s her ship?”

“The Korolev, Captain.”

“Making her the first woman to command a Constitution-class vessel,” mused Kirk. “I’ll have to congratulate her later. How soon are we due to meet the Korolev?”

“Captain Kirk,” called Uhura over the comms. Kirk pressed the receiver.

“Kirk here.”

“We’re in orbit around Moronica and the Korolev is coming alongside us,” reported Uhura.

“Excellent. We’re on our way.” Kirk ended the call. “Well, gentlemen, let’s see who Captain McIntyre brought with her.” They made their way to the bridge.

“The Korolev is hailing us, Sir,” reported Uhura.

“On screen,” ordered Kirk. A beautiful blonde woman in a Starfleet woman’s gold command uniform with the trimming of a Captain on her sleeves soon appeared. “Hello, Captain McIntyre,” greeted Kirk. “Congratulations on your history making.”

“Thank you, Captain Kirk,” replied McIntyre. “I apologize for this rather…unorthodox method of bringing the Ensigns to you, but I felt you would need to see them for yourself.”

“Forgive me for saying this, but you’re acting like I wouldn’t like them.”

“No, no, just that you would know them. Permission for the Ensigns and I to come aboard?”

“Permission granted.”

Kirk and Scotty were at the Transporter Room. Scotty pressed the necessary buttons and slid the switches to the receiving end. Captain McIntyre shimmered into view first. She stepped of the transporter pad and shook hands with Kirk. “Welcome aboard, Captain,” said Kirk.

“A pleasure to be here, Captain,” replied McIntyre.

“Forgive me for asking, but where are the three Ensigns?”

“I have a lock on them, Sir,” replied Scotty.

“Captain,” said McIntyre in a hurried fashion, “before you bring them aboard, I must warn you that they’re not the brightest…!” Too late. The three Ensigns shimmered into view. They were three human men. One had a black bowl haircut, similar to Spock’s. One had wavy orange hair and an exposed scalp, and one was a fat bald man. Kirk and Scotty’s eyes widened.

“…Lass, not them!” begged Scotty.

“Yes…them,” sighed McIntyre.

“Hey!” called the fat man in a falsetto as he saw Kirk. “It’s our old pal, Jimmy!”

“That’s CAPTAIN Jimmy to you, Onion-head!” snapped the man with bowl haircut. He then poked the fat man’s eyes!

“Hey, leave him alone!” said the orange-haired man.

“Butt out of this, Porcupine!” The bowl-haired man then yanked some of the orange-haired man’s hair out!

“Moe, Larry, and Curly?!” Kirk asked McIntyre. McIntyre nodded.

Space. The Final Frontier. These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise. Its five-year mission, to explore strange new worlds. To seek out new life and new civilizations. To boldly go where no man has gone before!


Starring William Shatner

Also starring Leonard Nimoy as Mr. Spock.

And starring Moe, Larry, and Curly.