“Sweet Yoruk, we’re all gonna die!” shouted the first guard as everyone tried to uselessly open the tent.
“Sweet merciful heavens, is this the end?!” wailed the second guard.
“Try using the alarm clock on the tent flap!” suggested the third guard.
“Oh, that’s never going to work! Who’s going to water all my plants?!”
“The walls are closing in! I can’t breathe!”
“Let us out! Let us out! Please!”
“I hate adventurers!”
“…Well, they made a pretty good guess as to who’s behind their predicament,” you muttered to yourself. You heard one of the guards mention killing Kenny and felt like a little bit of a bastard.
“That was easy!” cheered Dalboz. “…Too easy. …Uh oh, my lantern sense is tingling again.”
“You sure it’s you and not the invisible electrified fence?” asked Grif. You looked over your shoulder and saw electricity sparking over something invisible.
“I think Grif’s onto something,” you said. “…Hang on, what’s Igram’s reverse again?” You checked the spell book and found Margi. “All right then! Margi!”
“Margi!” called the choir. The fence became visible and purple.
“Not bad, but it’s still electrified,” warned Dalboz. You looked back…and saw a simple plug in a socket in the ground that was powering the electricity.
“…Not all THAT bright, is he?” you asked yourself. You pulled the plug and the electricity switched off.
“You are truly gifted, you know that?” asked Dalboz. You drew your sword and cut a hole in the fence. You then stepped through and approached the tower. You spotted something on the ground. It appeared to be a lid covering a hole…a SKULL sized hole!
“What a handy little nook!” you said as you put the Skull of Yoruk into the hole. You then got to the tower’s ladder and started climbing. You got halfway up and…
“Hey, what’s this big CUBE shaped hole?” called Dalboz. Directly ahead of you was a cube shaped hole, big enough for the Cube of Foundation. You put the Cube into the hole, then proceeded upwards.
“That’s Deep and Middle magic taken care of,” you said. You then reached the top. “All that’s left is High Magic.” Just below the cable was a wind-speed measuring device, but the cups were tilted up.
“When you see something like this, you just have to wonder,” remarked Dalboz, “was all this predesigned by some cosmic higher power?”
“It WOULD make me a believer in eucatastrophe,” you remarked as you put the Coconut of Quendor into one of the cups. The arms then swung away from you!
“Uh oh! It’s crooked!” gulped Dalboz. “It needs to be counter balanced!”
“NO!” Grif protested. “We’ve come so far! We can’t fail now!”
“What we do?!” wailed Brog.
“There’s gotta be something!” insisted Lucy.
“Wait!” called Dalboz. “Put my lantern in the other cup to straighten it out!”
“Dalboz, are you-?!” you protested.
“Don’t argue, just do it!” You had to admit, there was no time to argue. You put the lantern into the other cup and everything was straight. “Everything is in place!” called Dalboz. “All it would take now to finish things would be the casting of one incredibly appropriate and heretofore unused spell!”
“You can’t cast ANY spells right now!” argued Lucy. “Too much interference!”
“…Inquisitorial interference?” you asked as you drew your sword, remembering part of Jack’s plan.
“Yes!” confirmed Lucy. “Yannick’s babbling too loud! Shut him up!”
“That’s all I wanna know!” you cheered as you swung your sword and cut the cable!
“Save often!” boomed Yannick. “Floss regularly! Floss meaningfully! Floss athletically! And above all, never forget; who is the boss of you?! ME! I am the boss of you! I AM THE BOSS OF YOU!” As the crowd cheered…the picture cut out on the screens, causing confusion among the masses! Jack saw his chance. He ran up to the podium and pointed at the tower.
“Hey! Hey! Up on the tower!” he said. Yannick looked up…and saw a miscreant on the tower. “That ain’t the cable guy!” continued Jack. …No! It was that blasted vacuum salesperson! He rushed to the tower, saw evidence of Dalboz’s friend using their blasted magic, and started climbing the ladder. He looked up and gasped.
“The Coconut of Quendor!” he whispered. He climbed faster!
…Seriously?! Right now?! You couldn’t believe it! “I don’t think Jack was entirely clear on the plan!” called Dalboz. “He just sent the Grand Inquisitor after us!”
“We’re running out of time!” warned Grif. You checked your spell book, then found a spell that would work!
“MAXOV!” you shouted as you made a throwing motion towards the tower’s spire.
“Maxov!” called the choir. “Maxov!”
“You did great!” cheered Dalboz. “I’ll drop you a line from the Ethereal Planes!” A flash of light came from the lantern, then it escaped the lantern and floated away, meaning Dalboz had finally moved on. Just then, Mir Yannick arrived!
“What did you do?!” he demanded.
“I cast Maxov!” you replied. “You might have heard of its original form, Voxam! The spell that separates magical energies! Thanks to the Booznik spell, I UNITED them! …Or at least, the energies SHOULD be united.”
“A spell that powerful, especially its reverse,” replied Yannick, “will take time! Time you don’t have and time that can be interrupted once I take the Coconut of Quendor!” You drew your sword.
“OVER MY DEAD BODY!” you shouted.
“THAT’S THE IDEA!” retorted Yannick as he drew his sword. The two of you clashed as dark clouds loomed over the mesa. You then realized the problem ahead of you. You never fully studied the blade, just used your sword as an oversized knife. Mir Yannick, on the other hand, was highly skilled. He knew which blows would be killing blows. All you could do was bat them aside. Your swords then locked together. “This is inspired by more than just my M.D.D. affliction!” he said. “More than my Z-! You must have heard about how the Nemesis was released! What Dimwit Flathead’s wizard did! And the Eternal Fire!”
“Magic started those things, yes,” you said, “but magic also fixed them!”
“Magic is a disease masquerading as its own cure! It encourages chaos! I bring ORDER!”
“Your Inquisition is just a fancy-dressed version of chaos!” Yannick then grabbed your head and slammed it against the railing. You had to admit; he rang your bells really good! You could still hear him, but dizziness made your vision double.
“As I said to you last night, I am the FUTURE!” he said. He then grabbed the Coconut…but had a bit of a time trying to get it out of the cup. Then…you became a believer in eucatastrophe as lightning struck the spire and channeled magic into the artefacts, uniting their energies and creating a magic shockwave that tore the tower apart and threw you and Mir Yannick the Grand Inquisitor off! The Totems flew out of your pack…and broke apart, releasing the trapped spirits and giving them their bodies back permanently! As you fell from Flathead Mesa, Grif grabbed you!
“Nope! No death for you!” he said as he flew to the mesa. “You’re staying alive to savor the fruits of your victory!” He dropped you off onto the mesa as Brog landed nearby and the tents went from Inquisition Red to Royal Blue. The Inquisavision equipment vaporized as Jack rushed up to investigate what was going on…then saw someone falling. He reached out to catch the person…and was surprised when he realized he caught Lucy! In a stunning new dress, by the way!
“Jack!” she whispered happily.
“Y-You have the strangest life!” stammered Jack. “How-?!”
“Don’t talk,” said Lucy as she put a finger to Jack’s lips. “This is the part where we kiss.”
“No, no, NO!” you protested. “Don’t kiss the pho-!” Too late. Lucy and Jack kissed. “…Brog, you’re right,” you said to Brog. “Her taste in men stinks.”
“Not much we do now,” replied Brog. “She queen now, yes?”
“…Yeah, she is,” you said. You then smiled. “Long live Queen Lucy Flathead, the Level-headed!”
“LONG LIVE QUEEN LUCY FLATHEAD!” cheered Brog and Grif. You didn’t know, but back in Foozle, the propaganda posters of Mir Yannick changed to posters of the newly-crowned Queen Lucy. Jack let Lucy down and she approached the podium.
“Loyal subjects of the Empire!” she called to the crowd below as they cheered. And they didn’t just cheer politely, they properly CHEERED, knowing that they had a proper ruler and the Inquisition Occupation was over! “I hereby declare the Underground open,” continued Lucy, “and magic free to all those who desire it!” She grabbed the detonator. “The Inquisition is no more!” She tossed the detonator aside, prompting more cheers! …She struggled to think of more things to say, so… “Go home, people. It’s over!” The crowd still cheered as they returned to their homes.
You headed towards Grif to get a lift off Flathead Mesa. “So, what’s next?” he asked you.
“Well, Dalboz has moved on to the Ethereal Planes of Atrii,” you said, “and, with Frobozz Electric now defunct, I’m out of a job. So I’m gonna head off and start the job hunt again.”
“My friend!” called Lucy. She, Jack, and Brog approached you and Grif. “You’re not leaving yet, surely?” asked Lucy.
“I kinda have to,” you said. “I lost my job when the Inquisition fell.”
“Just wait a sec,” directed Lucy. “You’ve all got something coming your way. I’m not the only one who had to fight for freedom here. I may have gotten the Cube of Foundation, but that’s not the only thing that happened on this adventure. Brog, for your efforts in restoring the Skull of Yoruk, I hereby name you the Great Guardian of the Earth! You’ll have a permanent cave that’s safe from any Grues and will always give you an abundance of rocks to eat!”
“Mmm! Brog like rocks! Brog accept!”
“Grif, for your efforts in restoring the Coconut of Quendor, I hereby name you the Great Dragon of the Empire!” Grif goggled.
“What do you know?!” you chuckled as you playfully punched his front leg. “Now people really WILL behold the flames of your wrath! Just remember, your gaze turns people into stone, not jelly.”
“Your Majesty, I am honored!” Grif said to Lucy.
“As for you…” Lucy said to you.
“Lu-. …I mean, Your Majesty-,” you said.
“Lucy, please,” she said. “That goes for everyone here.”
“Lucy, I’m unemployed,” you said. “I gotta go back on the job hunt.”
“Really?” asked Lucy. “Because the way I see it, the previous Dungeon Master made you his successor.”
“…H-How do you figure that?” you asked.
“You restored magic to the Empire,” replied Lucy.
“But I never got into G.U.E. Tech!”
“The Crown will fund your tuition,” assured Lucy. “But you ARE the Fourth Dungeon Master of the Empire. And with magic back, it will be a lot more prestigious than you remember it!”
“YAHOO!” you cheered. “Well, the first thing I’m gonna do as the new Dungeon Master will be to restore the Historic White House!”
“There Grues under there,” warned Brog. “Brog help you clear them out.”
“You two need a lift?” asked Grif. “The Great Dragon of the Empire’s ready and waiting!”
“And We shall accompany you,” declared Lucy. “…‘We’ meaning the Royal We and also meaning me and Jack. I need to explain time travel to him.”
“Time travel?” asked Jack.
“…Well, an adventuring party DOES work best when there’s five,” you said. “We’ve got the de-facto leader, the lady with awesome powers, the strong guy, and the danger-warning guy, we just need the wise-cracker. Jack, you coming? You could be a proper adventurer instead of merely playing one on TV.”
“…Eh, why not?” decided Jack.
“Climb aboard, everyone!” called Grif. You and your party jumped onto Grif’s back, then he took off, Flathead Mesa now shrinking in the distance. This…this felt much more fun! You drew your sword and pointed it forward.
“To the Historic White House!” you shouted over the wind.
“Hey, I just remembered!” called Lucy. “We’re only seeing you now because we’re not spirits anymore!”
“That right!” agreed Brog. “You not ageless or faceless or gender-neutral (at least not to Brog) or culturally ambiguous adventure person!”
“I didn’t exactly give you a chance to introduce yourself when we first met and I slammed the door in your face when you came in with that lantern!” reminded Jack.
“So, what’s your name, kid?!” asked Grif. You smiled, then proudly said your name with everyone FINALLY hearing the name of Dalboz’s successor as the Dungeon Master of Zork!