Categories
Emotional Spectrum Ballgown Corps Tools

Ballgown Corps Hair Flowers

The signature flowers adorning the heads of Corpswomen, they are found in the Spectrum Gardens and seek out new wearers when fully bloomed and charged.

Reapers’ Grace: One set of one blossom. Worn on the right of the head. Allows wearer to raise the dead.

Wraiths’ Rose: One set of three blossoms. Worn on the left side of the head. Allows wearer to unleash hellfire.

Outlaws’ Gamble: Two sets of one blossom. Worn on ends of pigtails. Allows wearer to summon robbery tools.

Specters’ Bouquet: Two sets of five blossoms. Worn on each side of the head. Allows wearer to see what target fears most.

Protectorates’ Will: One set of one blossom. Worn on the left side of the head. Allows wearer to power through any situation within reason.

Belles’ Brim: One set of one blossom. Worn on top of the head. Allows wearer to power allies.

Healers’ Fan: One set of ten blossoms. Worn as a laurel around the head. Allows wearer to heal any injuries if quick enough.

Princesses’ Blossom: One set of one blossom. Worn on the right of the head. Allows wearer to teleport to lovers.

Angels’ Bed: One set of five blossoms. Worn on either side of the head. Allows wearer to use the abilities of other Corps.

Categories
Emotional Spectrum Ballgown Corps Heroines

Green Protectorate Heroines

Joan Stacy is a human from Earth. The daughter of US Marines, Joan always wanted to protect her entire planet. When Hally James was incapacitated, the Protectorate Guardians had to find a new protector of Earth. The Guardians were almost attacked by Earth villains until Joan stepped in. She almost died, but was given the Protectorate’s signature hair flower, the Protectorate’s Will. Now she protects her planet AND the rest of the universe.

Hally James has the honor of being the first human from Earth to join any Ballgown Corp. She was once a fighter pilot from the USA, but during a flight, she hit an alien craft bearing an alien woman in a green dress and hair flower. The alien was dying and gave her the hair flower. She said that Hally James needed to keep her flower safe. Hally then asked what’s going on and, before she died, the alien explained that there was a major threat that would devour the source of all Ballgown Corps’ power, the Emotional Spectrum. As such, the alien (Malmanur) needed to keep a source of willpower safe. After she died, the flower took Hally James to the Hidden Galaxy, the home of the Spectrum Guardians and their Corps. The Guardians of Willpower then tested Hally and she became a Protectorate, with her destiny to be the greatest of all time.

Gilda Gracie is a hotshot human woman from Earth. Hailing from the USA, she’s a total Army girl and isn’t one to shy away from a fight. However, this often gets her into trouble, both with her enemies and her friends. This stems from the need to prove herself as she was never acknowledged on any level while serving in the Army. She was chosen to help beat back the heinous Zeromega before he conquered Earth. After doing so, she was trained and became a Protectorate Color Guard, one of the most coveted positions in any Ballgown Corp.

Kylasni is a Wologmor woman from Wolog. She is one of the older Protectorates after becoming one to save her planet. Protectorate life was way too enjoyable for her to consider retiring, so she’s become a drill instructor. Initially distrustful of humans after learning how savage they can be, she was put in charge of training Hally James so she could be a Protectorate. After a rough patch, she became Hally’s best friend and mentor, occasionally calling her “Ranjii” in affection. Now she’s got a few more in her coven.

Categories
Emotional Spectrum Ballgown Corps Heroines

Blue Belle Heroines

Parntu is a Gonaza woman from Edenaxa. She is the most skilled gardener of her people, placing faith in nature creating beauty. That is what attracted Mother Spirit’s attention and she offered Parntu the chance to spread her ideals across the universe like she would with her own plants. She went through tests of faith and hope and became a Blue Belle in no time. Now she helps the Guardians tend to the Spectrum Gardens, the source of all Corps’ hair flowers.

Mother Spirit is a Laruvan woman from Laruva II, the last of her family. A plague had struck her home planet and she sought to find a cure once her family had died. Her ship stumbled across a wormhole and she landed in the Spectrum Gardens, tended to by the Guardians of Hope. She passed several tests and became a Belle, then took some Healers with her and saved her planet. These days, she’s second in command for the entire Blue Belle Corp.

Narfu is a Phantorma woman from Elemax VI. She was a simple nun that wanted to do more for her people. When the entire planet went through a crisis of faith thanks to the all-powerful Zeromega, Narfu refused to give in to a deity she deemed false. Just as Zeromega was about to kill her, a Belle Brim chose her and gave her the power she needed. That restored the planet’s faith in their gods and they fought back Zeromega. Now she works for her people as a full-fledged Blue Belle.

Categories
Emotional Spectrum Ballgown Corps Heroines

Yellow Specter Heroines

Arkisma is a Ledulan professor from Ledulas V’s greatest university. She was studying the effects of fear and the brief boost fear brings when trying to escape a horrifying experience. Sadly, her planet’s leaders tried to weaponize her research. They used her as a test subject until she stopped fearing them. That made them scared and that’s what attracted the signature hair flowers of the Yellow Specter Corp to her. They gave her power and she managed to make the cowards flee her homeworld. Now she teaches at the Specters’ Academy to help people learn fear and how to use it to protect the universe. Her research was so instrumental, she became Phobisna’s Chief Fear Researcher and one of her lieutenants.

Phobisna is the Tolukar Queen of the Solar Alliance. She was originally a Green Protectorate, but her people’s enemies kept evading the organization. She left the Protectorates in disgust, then the Guardians of Fear approached her, offering to make her their second-in-command. She accepted and became a Yellow Specter, the greatest of them all. Thanks to the power she obtained, Phobisna became a force to be reckoned with. Thanks to driving away the enemies of the alliance, she and the Specters became the de facto protectors with her in command. She still keeps in contact with her old friends in the Protectorates and helped Hally James become the greatest Protectorate.

Devinak was once a normal dog from Earth, but aliens abducted her and experimented on her. She was injected with the aliens’ DNA and altered to the appearance she has now just so she could be a breeding slave. What they didn’t know was that the experiments boosted her strength, speed, intelligence, and power. She began plotting a way to instill great fear in her would-be slave masters, then a set of Specters’ Bouquets gave her the power she needed. She then used her new power to move to Tolukas Prime, Phobisna’s homeworld, and soon became one of her top Lieutenants. She then started dating the Shevam Princess, Goantilu of the Red Wraiths and they work well together, delivering fear and hate onto their enemies.

Categories
Emotional Spectrum Ballgown Corps Heroines

Purple Healer Heroines

Lunuk is an Alpasian from the planet Lutakno. She lost her eye in an attack on her homeworld, but she learned that the person who was behind it was pressured into committing such an act by his home’s government. She then healed the soldier and helped him overthrow the dictatorship of his home, helping him spare the innocents forced into service. That compassion is what earned her a place among the Purple Healers and she always helps the innocent where she can, whether they are her allies or people among the enemy camp

Keelanu is an orphaned woman with no knowledge of her people or home planet. She had to resort to stealing to survive. When a fire broke out in the apartment building she was in, she initially thought to save her own neck, but her conscience said the other people needed to be saved. She got a majority of the people out and nearly died from smoke inhalation, but rescue crews arrived in time to save everyone else. She was healed along with the people in the apartment building and admitted to her crimes. She was about to be imprisoned when the Healer’s Crown, the signature hair flower of the Purple Healers Corp, chose her for her compassion. Now she’s atoning for her old crimes and helping to heal those who suffer.

Manasu is a Raliod woman from Ralios Prime. She was a princess of a happy land, but evil people attacked and enslaved her home. In spite of all the pain she suffered, she still went about her duties to heal those she could. That kind of compassion is what helped the Purple Healers free her home. She accepted a position among the Corp and now she helps those in need throughout the galaxy.

Categories
Journey Through Wonder story

Chapter 48: Mending Fences

Bounty soon found herself at the mansion the Horsemen lived in. She sighed happily. “So, this is where my sisters, past and present, live,” she mused. She rang the doorbell.

“Coming!” came a voice.

“She really IS here!” said Bounty. Life then opened the door and gasped.

“BOUNTY!” she cheered. She then picked up the plump Horseman and spun around. The other Horsemen heard the shouts, then joined Life in welcoming Bounty back.

“It’s good to be back among you,” sighed Bounty once she was released.

“We’ve all missed you here,” boomed War happily, “but most especially Famine!”

“It’s true!” mumbled Famine as she dug into her new pasta bowl. “I mean, I like all the food I’m getting, but yours is the best. So, girls, you can cut it all out, Bounty’s back.”

“…Cut what out?” asked Pestilence.

“…Ordering all these pasta bowls for me. I can’t eat another bite! …Well, maybe just one more.”

“Put the fork down,” said War. “I don’t know what you’re talking about, but I don’t order takeout. I prefer homemade meals.”

“Don’t look at me,” remarked Pestilence. “I don’t need that many carbs.”

“I’m not wasting the money,” replied Death.

“Well, it wasn’t me,” said Life.

“What’s all this?” asked Lacey as she came in.

“Lacey, are you ordering pasta bowls for Famine?” quizzed Bounty.

“…No, why?”

“You mean…no one’s…?” Famine then looked at the stack of bowls behind her. “Well, somebody ordered all this!”

“…Oh dear,” mumbled Bounty.


While Bounty was settling back in the Horsemen’s mansion, Richard asked to meet with Thundercracker alone. He waited for a bit until Thundercracker flew in and landed. His holo-form jumped out of the cockpit. “You wanted to see me?” he asked.

“I…I want to…” Richard sighed. He had rehearsed this, so why was it so difficult to say now? He drew in a breath and tried again. “I’m sorry, Thundercracker.” Thundercracker arched an eye-ridge in confusion.

“…For what?”

“For being unfair to you and the other Decepticons from your world. I grew up thinking all Decepticons were bad, and it was a rare universe where the Decepticons could find common ground with the Autobots, but the way you worked with Bumble…Goldbug proved me wrong. I’m sorry for what I said before the mission started. That was wrong of me and unbecoming of a commanding officer.” Thundercracker smiled.

“If it’s any consolation, I didn’t think too highly of you either. I always thought your wife was the better fighter and questioned why she married you. …Turns out you just have different fighting styles, just like the engines of Sodor have different solutions to problems.”

“…You have to admit, though, sometimes those solutions don’t work out and cause confusion and delay.”

“Maybe so, but they all have the same goal in mind, to keep Sodor as a safe haven for engines of the past, be they steam or diesel.”

“Then let’s follow their example and unite against a common foe, shall we?” Richard stuck his hand out for a handshake.

“…I know my faction’s name kind of says it all, but this is one promise this Decepticon can keep.” Thundercracker then shook Richard’s hand.


After a while, Richard was more at ease around other Decepticons…aside from Megatron, he STILL wasn’t sure he could forgive or forget him using Megumi as a bargaining chip. Speaking of his wife, he and Megumi stirred from their sleep. “…Morning, my love,” he whispered in Megumi’s ear. Megumi chuckled at the slight tickle she got from Richard’s breath.

“It’s morning, yes,” she replied, “but I say we take this day to stay in-” Richard then wrapped his arms around Megumi, surprising her and kissing the nape of her neck. “Richard!” she giggled.

“A whole day in bed?” he asked between kisses. “You tempt me, my Queen!” Just then, the doorbell rang. “…Then again!” growled Richard.

“I got it!” called Kaede.

“Well, better get ourselves decent,” mumbled Megumi. After showering and dressing, they found the girls and Lisa speaking with Batman and his family.

“Mr. Wayne, what can we do for you?” asked Richard.

“I noticed a…custom van continually parking in your driveway,” explained Batman. “I’ve never known any of you to drive a 2000 Dodge Grand Caravan that’s as blue as your armor. Judging from the juddering, I’d say the driver doesn’t know it has a suspension problem.”

“Ah, well, good news on that front,” said Richard. “The van’s a friendly one. You see, you have no idea how custom it is.”

“…Richard, that’s not YOUR van, is it?”

“It is,” sighed Megumi.

“Wanna see?” asked Richard as he beamed.

“…All right, color me intrigued,” replied Batman as he, Wonder Woman, and Robin got up. Richard led them to the garage. There were two vehicles in there. One was a 2001 Subaru Legacy, the other looked like a 2000 Dodge Grand Caravan, but something seemed…off to Batman and Robin upon closer inspection.

“…What…is that?” asked Robin.

“That, my dear Robin,” replied Richard, “is a van I have justifiably called…the Spectacular! The electric drive system of a Tesla with the other machinery of a Chrysler Pacifica, all united under the elegant skin of the Dodge Grand Caravan, thus creating a vision of pure…what’s the word?”

“Garbage,” said Batman and his family as they held Wonder Woman’s lasso. Richard goggled at the three in horror.

“…Okay, they have chariots instead of cars on Themyscira, so I can understand Wonder Woman saying that, but Batman and Robin, you two of all people! You’re calling the Spectacular ‘garbage’?!”

“You might be averse to chariots,” said Wonder Woman, “but at least we use brushes to apply paint instead of throwing buckets of paint on them, then just using a rag to clean up the edges.”

“Hey, Mom, Dad, look,” called Robin as she pointed out the headlights, “these are the ones that swivel when you go around a turn.”

“All right, which would you rather ride in?” challenged Richard. “The Spectacular or Megumi’s Subaru?”

“The Subaru,” replied the Bat Family.

“WHY?!”

“Because it’s better in every way,” said Batman.

“All right, I know exactly how to prove you cynics wrong! I invite you to go for a drive in the Spectacular.”

“Be careful,” warned Megumi as Batman helped his wife into the shotgun seat.

“Comfy?” asked Richard.

“Not…really,” remarked Wonder Woman. “Is this as far back as my seat can go?”

“Yes.” Batman and Robin sat behind Wonder Woman and Richard. Richard then pressed the start button and the car switched on and vibrated a bit. It then backed out of the driveway.

“Oh Hera, it moves!” yelped Robin. The Spectacular then moved onto the street and through the local area of Beyond City. After a few miles and gripes from his passengers, Richard called Megumi. A hologram of her appeared on the dash.

“How’s the drive?” she asked.

“We’d only gone a few miles,” boasted Richard, “before the Bat Family changed their mind and agreed that the Spectacular is the best car they had ever been in!”

“No, we didn’t!” protested Batman. “Stop lying to your wife!”

“I thought you guys changed your mind,” remarked Richard.

“I did,” said Wonder Woman. “It’s WORSE than I thought! My spine’s gonna complain in a few hours!”

“If you’re lucky,” grunted Batman.

“Exactly.”

“It’s a little cold here,” muttered Robin. “Can we turn the heater on?”

“That’s not connected,” said Richard.

“What’s the dial near the steering wheel?” asked Wonder Woman.

“Speedometer.”

“Why don’t you use the one it already has?” quizzed Batman.

“That doesn’t work.”

“Does it have a temperature gauge?” asked Robin.

“Not as such.”

“Does it have a fuel gauge?”

“Not really.”

“There’s a lot of wires that aren’t connected to things then,” muttered Batman.

“This doesn’t really have an interior, does it?” asked Robin.

“Persephone, you say that with a bit of sarcasm, but…” Wonder Woman then pointed inside the glove box. It didn’t have an inside to speak of, so one could see the internal mechanics of the van.

“I can see the road!” complained Robin.

“So can I,” said Richard.

“No, there’s a hole in the floor!” Suffice to say, Batman, Wonder Woman, and Robin were NOT impressed by Richard’s Spectacular.

Categories
State of the Web

State of the Web 2022

Hello everyone! It’s time for another State of the Web this year! 2022 saw a lot of changes this year. It’s been a slow year because I have college work to do, especially when it comes to a term paper on John Milton, the guy who wrote Paradise Lost.

Looking back:

  • I finished The Three Realms.
  • I started Journey Through Wonder.
  • I made my first horror story.
  • I made my first Thomas the Tank Engine pictures.

Looking forward:

  • I’ve decided to scrap the stories from the previous State of the Web.
  • I’ll upload a story based on the heavy metal tribute video game Brütal Legend that will be a little heavy with the language and gore.
  • I’ll make my own sci-fi story.
  • I’ll be doing my own Godzilla story

Unknown:

  • Will I make a crossover on these three stories?
  • Will these new stories be received well? (Especially since the Brütal Legend story will be my goriest and will be the first story where I write the F-Bomb.)
Categories
A Taste of Stupidity

Act IV

“Captain’s Log: Stardate 4129.84. After several days in a Klingon brig, those three idiots managed to break myself and the crew out. We’re making our way to their position now, then we’ll be getting back to the Enterprise and get out of Klingon space as fast as possible.”

Moe, Larry, and Curly were still in the torpedo bay when the Klingon medic approached them. “All right, you three,” she grunted. “You got physicals to complete. Let’s start with a baseline scan.” She pulled out her own tricorder and waved it around them. She got the readings and arched an eyebrow. She then tapped her main unit and tried again, still getting the same results. “…Heartbeat’s all wrong. …Your blood pressure’s…” Her eyes widened. “HUMANS! FEDERATION SCUM! SPIES!”

“Jiggers!” said Moe. He and his friends then grabbed her.

“GET OFF!” she roared as she flung the three off her. She then pressed the alarm!


Ka’Liegh and her subordinates heard the alarms. “What in-?!” asked the Petty Officer. Ka’Liegh got the report and her eyes widened.

“YOU IDIOT! THOSE WEREN’T NEW MEN! THEY’RE PART OF THE ENTERPRISE! CHECK THE PRISONERS!” An officer then burst into the room.

“Captain!” he said. “Kirk and his men escaped! They’re making their way to the transporter room!” Ka’Liegh then activated the intercom.

“All hands!” she ordered. “Kirk and his men are NOT to go back onto their ship! That includes three funny-looking humans disguised as Klingon men!”


“I’d hate to be those guys!” chuckled Curly as he and his friends heard the announcement.

“Shut up, Sponge-brain! They’re talking about us!” hissed Moe. “They’re gonna be giving us a haircut down to here!” He drew his finger across his neck.

“Oh no!” begged Curly. “I can’t die! I never got to see Andor! I’m too young to die! Too young and handsome!” He then looked at himself in the mirror and yelped at his reflection. “…Well, I’m too young.”

“Hey, we better find Jimmy and get out of here!” said Larry. “She said they broke out!”

“By golly, you’re right! I’ll lead the way!” Moe then shoved Larry and Curly ahead of him. “Go ahead!” The three men quickly got out of the room, then bumped into Ka’Liegh, her First Officer, and the Petty Officer!

“There you are!” snarled Ka’Liegh. The three humans yelped and tried to get away. Ka’Liegh grabbed Curly. “This is for your atrocious dancing!” She then smashed Curly in the chin repeatedly.

“Wait a minute!” said Curly after a good minute. “This is getting monotonous!”

“Oh, monotonous, eh?!” She then punched Curly in the gut.

“That’s different!” he said once he recovered. He then flexed his arm. “You see that?”

“Yeah?” Curly then punched her with his unwatched fist. “WHY YOU!” Ka’Liegh drew her knife and was about to stab Curly!

“CAPTAIN KA’LIEGH!” called Kirk’s voice. She turned to see Kirk and the crew having saved Moe and Larry. “Why don’t you pick on someone your own size?”

“…Quite right,” replied Ka’Liegh. “This fat one can’t even kill a wounded Targ!” She and Kirk began circling each other. Spock got everyone except Kirk to the transporter room.


The Enterprise still had Klingons aboard, so the three Ensigns had volunteered to clean them out. “Okay, you rats! Come on in here!” Moe shouted down the hall. Larry and Curly hid behind each side of the door with steel poles. A Klingon arrived, then Larry and Curly hit him! Moe shoved the unconscious Klingon to the Transported. Scotty beamed him back to the Klingon ship. “Hey, you worm eaters! This is the beginning of the second front!” Moe shouted down the hall. Two Klingons arrived and were promptly knocked out and beamed back to their ship. “Okay, skunks! Come on!” This process was repeated as Sulu, Chekov, Uhura, and Spock made their way to the bridge. Soon, the ship was cleaned of Klingons and a shirtless Kirk was beamed back.


“FEDERATION TREACHERY!” shouted Ka’Liegh as she returned to the bridge. “Arm weapons and raise shields! I’ll blow the Enterprise out of the sky if I have to!”

“Captain, there’s no sky in-” said a pedantic Klingon.

“SILENCE!”

“Torpedoes armed!” called the tactical officer.

“FIRE!” An explosion then rocked the ship. “REPORT!”

“Torpedo explosion in Tube 3!” said the tactical officer.

“Those three!” snarled the Petty Officer.

“We’re venting too much plasma!” reported an engineer.


“Captain!” called Sulu. “The Klingons! Their torpedo tube just blew up!”

“I’d say discretion is the better part of valor,” replied Kirk. “Scotty, are you in Main Engineering?”

“Already here, Sir! Everything’s fixed up for an escape at maximum warp!”

“Chekov, set course for Federation Territory and punch it!”

“Aye, Sir!” replied Chekov. He followed his orders quickly and the Enterprise escaped.


“Captain, the Enterprise-!” called the Klingon helmsman.

“I have eyes!” snarled Ka’Liegh. She slumped in her chair.

“We can’t pursue in this condition,” grunted the First Officer. “I’ll find the idiots responsible for letting those three men aboard and execute them.”

“Belay that,” said Ka’Liegh. “No executions.”

“…Protocol explicitly states-!”

“Blast your protocol! Tra’gh, do you really think ANYONE on this ship will survive this blemish on our honor if this gets back home?! As far as you’re aware, it was a mechanical error that caused the torpedo to blow up in the tube. Make sure EVERYONE aboard shares that understanding. We NEVER went into Federation territory and I NEVER wore a blasted miniskirt!”

“…Aye, Captain.”


Back on the Enterprise, Moe, Larry, and Curly were in the conference room with Kirk. “Gentlemen, I don’t know how, but you’ve managed to save the ship and its crew. For that, Starfleet thanks you and wishes to reward you with command of your own outpost.”

“Our own command?!” cheered Moe.

“Where?!” asked Larry.

“A top-secret research station on Telarin IV,” explained Kirk.

“Oh boy! We’re gonna be commanders!” cheered Curly. “I can see it now! Me and my men, all ready to charge!”

“Yeah, charge double for the stuff you buy!” snarked Moe.

“Gentlemen, please,” said Kirk. The three stopped arguing. “Now, we’re approaching the planet and you’ll be beamed down whenever you’re ready.”

“Come on, boys!” called Moe. “We gotta start packing!” The three men then sped out of the room. McCoy sighed.

“Telarin IV,” he muttered. “No one’s interested in that planet.”

“I presume,” said Spock, “that this was your recommendation, Jim?”

“No, it was Captain McIntyre’s,” replied Kirk. “She knows more about remote planets than me.”

“Well then, Captain,” chuckled McCoy, “I think we all could do with some shore leave to recover from this.”

“An excellent idea, Bones!” agreed Kirk. He then called the bridge. “Mr. Sulu, once we’re done here, set course for a nearby vacation planet.”

“Aye, aye, Captain,” replied Sulu. The call ended and Kirk, McCoy, and Spock headed for the door. They all tried to leave at the same time.

“Spread out!” snapped McCoy. He then realized what he said. Kirk couldn’t resist a jab.

“Doctor, I believe Mr. Spock’s the only one with the hair for that phrase,” he chuckled.

“Captain,” replied Spock, “I do not see Moe Howard with Vulcan ears.” The three then left the room in an orderly fashion as Moe, Larry, and Curly were beamed down to the planet.

Categories
A Taste of Stupidity

Act III

“Captain’s Log: Stardate 4063.4. A woman aboard the Enterprise has just revealed herself to be the infamous Ka’Liegh, a ruthless Klingon and Captain of the starship, Ma’kugh. She has taken the three Ensigns as her hostages, and it is clear she is seeking revenge for her brother after the Organian Peace Treaty.”

“Captain Ka’Liegh,” urged Kirk, “there’s no need for rash actions.”

“I assure you, this whole thing was premeditated over the years,” replied Ka’Liegh. “There is no rashness here. I was going to sabotage the weapons and shields of your ship myself, but these three were so stupid that they did the work FOR me! Even the self-destruct is gone!”

“Just a minute, we didn’t do anything like that!” snarled Moe.

“Oh please, you three don’t know a wrench from a laser pointer!” snarled Ka’Liegh.

“Hey! I resemble that remark!” snapped Curly.

“Quit squawking!” said Larry as he smacked Curly.

“Who’re you hitting?!” hissed Moe as he poked Larry’s eyes.

“That’s enough!” snarled Ka’Liegh. She returned her attention to Kirk. “Now, since your ship has no means of defending itself or dying in a glorious fireball, I would advise you to surrender when Uhura detects my ship in three…two…one…”

“Captain Kirk! Captain Kirk!” called Uhura. “Sensors detected a Klingon Battleship off the starboard bow!” Kirk glared at the smirking Klingon woman.

“…Stand down,” he said.

“…Sir?” asked Uhura.

“All hands, stand down,” repeated Kirk.

“I knew you’d see reason,” purred Ka’Liegh. “On behalf of the I.K.S. Ma’kugh, I welcome you to an extended stay within the Klingon Empire!”


Klingon boarding parties rounded up the Enterprise crew and placed guards on them. Kirk and his usual bridge crew were placed in the Ma’kugh’s brig and spent several days there as the Ma’kugh towed the Enterprise into Klingon territory. “I never thought I’d see the day,” muttered Chekov, “when I would be stuck in a Klingon’s brig.”

“None of us thought we’d see the day, Chekov,” replied Sulu.

“The Captain, I can understand, but why us?”

“To install their own bridge crew would be the logical assessment, Mr. Chekov,” replied Spock.

“What about those three men?” asked Uhura.

“If I might speak freely,” said Nurse Chapel, “if all our hopes rest on them, we’re doomed.”


Moe, Larry, and Curly were still on the Enterprise, hiding in Sick Bay. “We gotta free the Captain somehow!” said Moe. “We’re in a tough spot!”

“Yeah, it’s gonna take brains to get out of this,” replied Larry.

“That’s why I said we’re in a tough spot!” snarled Moe. That was when a Klingon man stepped in. His beard looked patchy, so he grabbed a follicle stimulator and rubbed it on the patchy spots to make the hair on his chin grow into a full beard. He then sculpted it into the usual goatee style and left. “By golly, I got it!” said Moe.

“You better have it, or we’re gonna get it!” said Curly.

“Quiet!” hissed Moe. He then took the follicle stimulator. “Here, start rubbing this on you! We’re gonna get ourselves some Klingon uniforms!”

“Oh! Sneaking onto the-!” realized Curly. Moe then clapped his hand over his friend’s mouth.

“Not so loud, you nitwit! Here!” He handed the follicle stimulator to Curly. “Get busy!”


Once the three grew their beards, they hid in the corridors. A Klingon passed by. Moe bonked the Klingon on the head. The Klingon blinked. “What in…?” That was when he passed out from the blow.

“This guy’s clothes should fit me!” said Moe as he started hauling the Klingon away.

“What about us?” asked Curly.

“Go get your own!” Moe took his Klingon to a secret area.

“Oh, a hoarder, huh?!” said Larry.

“Well, hoarders is hoarders!” chuckled Curly. They hid themselves in compartments in the walls as two Klingons their size passed by.

“And what did the Captain say?” asked the larger one.

“She said that I honored my house with how quickly I moved in helping capture this crate!” replied the other.

“Praise well deserved!” laughed the larger one.

“I think I’ll see what Kirk’s-!” Larry then kicked the smaller one in the rear. The smaller one thought it was his friend. “What did you kick me for?!”

“…I didn’t kick you,” replied the larger one. The Klingons were then both kicked by Larry and Curly, then turned on each other. “DISHONORABLE ROGUE! KICKING ME FROM BEHIND!”

“I DIDN’T KICK YOU! YOU KICKED ME!”

“LIAR!” The two Klingons then grappled, then Larry and Curly bonked them on their heads and knocked them out.


Once the three Klingons were shoved somewhere else, Moe, Larry, and Curly stepped out in their Klingon disguises. A Klingon officer then stopped them. “You three are just what I need,” he said. “We need new watchmen for the prisoners. Return to the ship and report to the brig.”

“That’s where Jimmy is!” realized Moe. The three then turned to the Klingon and saluted. “We’re on our way, Chief!” They then dashed to the transporter room.

“…Klingons excited for guard duty?” he muttered. “…Well, it IS Kirk.” He then returned to his duties.


The three were transported to the Klingon vessel and soon found their way to the brig. Kirk goggled when he saw them. “…Doctor, those men ARE human, yes?” McCoy was allowed to keep his tricorder, so he took a scan of them when they approached the cells.

“They’re human, all right,” replied McCoy.

“Captain, it’s great to see you again!” said Moe.

“What is the meaning of this?” asked Spock.

“Rescuing you, of course!” replied Larry.

“You three?” asked Kirk in disbelief.

“It’s all right, we got something in case WE can’t bust you guys out,” said Curly. He presented a tool case.

“Laddies, you’re the most considerate men I’ve met!” praised Scotty.

“You three find a way to get us out,” said Kirk. “We’ll wait here and plot a backup plan.”

“Aye, aye, Sir!” replied Larry and Curly as they saluted, hitting Moe in the process. Moe grabbed the tool case from Curly and handed it to Scotty. They then headed out and bumped into the Klingon Petty Officer.

“So!” he snarled. “Idle do-nothings! Just for that, you’ll get no breakfast until your job is finished!” He shoved a pole-like device to Curly. “You three clean Torpedo Tube 3! I’ll inspect it after breakfast!” Curly then held it like a rifle and turned, whacking Moe, Larry, and the Petty Officer in the process.

“COME ON!” snarled Moe as he and Larry dragged Curly along. They then arrived at the Torpedo Tube. “Don’t worry, kid, we’ll smuggle some grub for you.”

“Oh boy!” cheered Curly. “Make it roast turkey and dumplings! And cranberry sauce! And smother the whole thing in gravy! But no beans!”

“…Of course, Commodore,” replied Moe. He then smacked Curly. “Get away!” He and Larry then headed to the mess hall as Curly grunted in protest. His mood then changed.

“I don’t care! I get to eat!”


An hour later, Moe came back. “I brought you some food,” he said to Curly.

“Oh, goodie! Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! Gimme!” He then saw that the food was a plate of purple beans with pink polka dots on them. “Aw, this is Klingon beans! Listen you!”

“Quiet! That’s all the beardies have.” Larry then arrived.

“I brought you some breakfast!” he said.

“That’s what I call a pal!” Curly said to Moe. “Roast turkey, stuffed breasts, oh I love it!” No, it wasn’t. It was a repeat of Moe’s food! “NyaaAA! Beans! That’s all I get is beans! BEANS!”

“Here comes the Petty Officer!” warned Moe.

“Ditch the beans!” hissed Moe. They shoved the beans into the Torpedo Tube, then got busy cleaning the exterior wall. The Petty Officer arrived.

“Is that tube cleaned?” he asked.

“I should think so,” replied Moe.

“I’ll look.” The Petty Officer then looked inside. “THIS TUBE IS FILTHY, I TELL YOU! WHERE DID YOU LEARN HOW TO CLEAN?! SWAB IT OUT!” The three busied themselves, but the tube didn’t get any cleaner. “COME ON! WHEN I ASK FOR SERVICE, GIVE IT TO ME!” The three humans shrugged and cleaned in a fashion that flung beans onto the Petty Officer. “HEY!” he shouted. The men stopped. “FOR THIS, I’LL HAVE YOU THROWN INTO THE WARP COILS!”

“PETTY OFFICER KARET!” shouted a voice. It was Ka’Liegh’s First Officer. “So, that’s the game! Wasting precious beans from the Captain’s home! I hope she didn’t see you!”

“B-But Sir-!”

“No excuses! I’ll discipline you when you get yourself cleaned!” As they argued, Curly used the pole device to clean the Torpedo Tube. He didn’t notice that the pole hit Moe. First it hit his cheek. Then it hit his eye, then the other eye.

“Hey, you!” said Moe. “Cut-!” The pole ended up being shoved into his mouth. Moe took the pole out then swung in a way that flung the beans onto the First Officer. He turned on the Petty Officer.

“COWARD! NOT GIVING ME THE DECENCY TO SHOW ME WHO MY AGRESSOR IS! I’LL HAVE YOUR THROAT CUT! I’LL HAVE YOU VAPORIZED! TO THE CAPTAIN WITH YOU!” He hauled the Petty Officer to the Captain’s Quarters.


Back with the Enterprise crew, Scotty was still fiddling with his cell’s mechanics. “Come on!” he urged himself. “Just one more…” The force field around his door then vanished. “Got it!” He soon set to work freeing his friends. It took less time to free them now that he knew how Klingons wired their brigs. Soon, the entire crew was free.

“Good work, Scotty!” said Kirk. “Now we just need to get our phasers.”

“You mean these phasers?” asked Uhura as she pulled one out of a storage compartment.

“Good eye, Uhura!” chuckled McCoy. The phasers were soon passed around.

“Well, ladies and gentlemen,” said Kirk, “all that’s left is to get those three and get to the transporter room.” The crew wasn’t exactly thrilled at picking up Moe, Larry, and Curly. “Look, they’re Federation citizens and we can’t leave them to the Klingons. I know they’re not…intellectually sound, but they still don’t deserve to be prisoners of the Klingon Empire.


Over in Ka’Liegh’s ready room, the Petty Officer finally got a chance to explain himself. “Captain, I tell you now, I didn’t do it! It was those three new men!”

“New men, my foot!” scoffed Ka’Liegh. “We didn’t get any new men!”

“But they must be new men! One was fat and bald! One had a bowl haircut! One had an exposed scalp and a mess of curly orange hair on the back of his head!”

“…Describe those men again.”

Categories
A Taste of Stupidity

Act II

“Captain’s Log: Stardate 4062.8. If I might allow personal feelings to get into this, I don’t know what the hell Starfleet was thinking of when allowing those three to become Ensigns! The entire crew is on edge thanks to their antics, myself included!”

“It took DAYS to reorganize everything in my cabinet!” snarled McCoy. “DAYS!”

“And Scotty’s running himself ragged trying to fix their messes!” supplied Uhura. “They’re a menace to Starfleet!”

“I must concur with Lieutenant Uhura,” said Spock. “Those three men are not the prime examples of humanity’s intelligence or technical skill. I have yet to come up with any answers, logical or otherwise, why Starfleet would allow them aboard a starship.”

“You’re looking for ILLOGICAL answers, Spock?” asked McCoy. “That’s it! It’s the end of times!”

“Where are those three men?” quizzed Kirk. “I want to see them.”

“At the moment, they are sweeping the corridors,” said Spock. “I pray they do not fail that task.”


As Spock said, Moe, Larry, and Curly were busy sweeping the halls of the Enterprise. Larry looked to make sure no one was looking, then swept the dust into an open wall panel. Unfortunately for him, Moe saw him. “Hey! You know better than that!” snarled Moe.

“Uh, do I?” asked Larry nervously.

“No.” Moe then slapped Larry’s scalp. “Get outta here!” While that went on, Curly saw an attractive-looking brunette woman in a gold command uniform.

“Oh!” he said. The woman looked to Curly and arched an eyebrow. Curly chuckled to himself and mimed slicking hair back. He then approached the woman. “Where have you been all my life, Toots?” he asked.

“Over on the other side of the Federation,” replied the woman.

“Well, good thing you came over on this side! Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk!” He then took her hand and danced with her. Moe saw this and growled.

“Wise guy! Dancing on the job!” He headed to Curly and tapped his shoulder. “May I cut in?” he asked sweetly.

“Soitenly!” replied Curly. He then danced with Moe. “Say, you ain’t a bad dancer!” Moe forgot about hitting Curly, giving the lady enough time to get away.

“You dance like you got your legs on backwards!” Moe said.

“Oh, I bet you tell that to all the boys!” giggled Curly. Moe then realized what was going on and smacked Curly’s cheeks.

“Get out, you!” he said. “Didn’t you see the stuff on her sleeves?! That was a Lieutenant!” Curly realized his mistake.

“I flirted with someone higher on the totem pole?!” he gulped.

“Hey, you think she’s gonna tell Starfleet?!” gulped Larry.

“Yeah, she would!”

“And you guys didn’t stop me in time!” gulped Curly.

“By golly, you’re right!” realized Moe. “She’ll have our commissions for this! Come on, we gotta get to the shuttle bay!”


The woman WAS going to the communications room to make a call. She gave the guards her clearance and reason for calling. The guards let her pass and she met the man running the room. “Hey, Kayley!” he said.

“Hey, Brandon!” replied the woman. “I gotta make a call to my folks at Starfleet Headquarters.”

“Sure thing! You want me to set up the line?”

“I can do it myself but thank you.”

“All right, see you later!” Brandon left and Kaylee looked to make sure no one was listening. She then put a tape in and pressed the necessary buttons. An alien voice then came out of the speaker. Kaylee then spoke in the same language! It was most unfortunate that a guard overheard that and recognized it as Klingonese! He pulled out his phaser, then Kaylee fired a disruptor at the poor man, making his heart burst and killing him!


Kaylee’s actions triggered an alarm. Kirk, McCoy, and a security team ran to the communications room and found the body. McCoy waved his tricorder over the body and got the readings. “…He’s dead, Jim,” he reported. “Klingon Disruptor.” Kirk activated the intercom.

“All hands, this is the Captain. Red alert. We have a Klingon spy aboard the ship. Repeat, we have a Klingon spy. Red alert.” The Red alert sirens then flashed.


“A Klingon spy?” Larry asked his partners.

“On the ship?” asked Curly.

“We gotta find that spy and fast!” said Moe. They dashed down the hall and bumped into Kaylee! “Lieutenant!” yelped Moe. He and his friends then tried to dust her down. “We’re sorry, Ma’am! Very sorry!”

“Wrong rank, you idiots!” snarled Kaylee as she leveled her disruptor at the three men.

“Hey! That looks like a Klingon weapon!” observed Curly.

“Why, so it does,” said Kaylee.

“Then that means-!” yelped Larry.

“That’s right!” replied Kaylee. Kirk and his team then rounded the corner. Kaylee grabbed Curly by the neck and put her Disruptor to his head. “Phasers down, boys!” she said. “Much as I would love to spatter this moron’s brains all over the walls, my revenge needs as many people alive as possible.”

“Revenge?” asked Kirk.

“On you, Kirk! For embarrassing my brother on Organia!”

“…Kor? You’re Kor’s sister?!”

“Indeed, Kirk! I am Ka’Liegh!” Everyone’s eyes widened in terror. They all knew exactly who this Klingon was and what she could do!