“Captain’s Log: Stardate 4063.4. A woman aboard the Enterprise has just revealed herself to be the infamous Ka’Liegh, a ruthless Klingon and Captain of the starship, Ma’kugh. She has taken the three Ensigns as her hostages, and it is clear she is seeking revenge for her brother after the Organian Peace Treaty.”
“Captain Ka’Liegh,” urged Kirk, “there’s no need for rash actions.”
“I assure you, this whole thing was premeditated over the years,” replied Ka’Liegh. “There is no rashness here. I was going to sabotage the weapons and shields of your ship myself, but these three were so stupid that they did the work FOR me! Even the self-destruct is gone!”
“Just a minute, we didn’t do anything like that!” snarled Moe.
“Oh please, you three don’t know a wrench from a laser pointer!” snarled Ka’Liegh.
“Hey! I resemble that remark!” snapped Curly.
“Quit squawking!” said Larry as he smacked Curly.
“Who’re you hitting?!” hissed Moe as he poked Larry’s eyes.
“That’s enough!” snarled Ka’Liegh. She returned her attention to Kirk. “Now, since your ship has no means of defending itself or dying in a glorious fireball, I would advise you to surrender when Uhura detects my ship in three…two…one…”
“Captain Kirk! Captain Kirk!” called Uhura. “Sensors detected a Klingon Battleship off the starboard bow!” Kirk glared at the smirking Klingon woman.
“…Stand down,” he said.
“…Sir?” asked Uhura.
“All hands, stand down,” repeated Kirk.
“I knew you’d see reason,” purred Ka’Liegh. “On behalf of the I.K.S. Ma’kugh, I welcome you to an extended stay within the Klingon Empire!”
Klingon boarding parties rounded up the Enterprise crew and placed guards on them. Kirk and his usual bridge crew were placed in the Ma’kugh’s brig and spent several days there as the Ma’kugh towed the Enterprise into Klingon territory. “I never thought I’d see the day,” muttered Chekov, “when I would be stuck in a Klingon’s brig.”
“None of us thought we’d see the day, Chekov,” replied Sulu.
“The Captain, I can understand, but why us?”
“To install their own bridge crew would be the logical assessment, Mr. Chekov,” replied Spock.
“What about those three men?” asked Uhura.
“If I might speak freely,” said Nurse Chapel, “if all our hopes rest on them, we’re doomed.”
Moe, Larry, and Curly were still on the Enterprise, hiding in Sick Bay. “We gotta free the Captain somehow!” said Moe. “We’re in a tough spot!”
“Yeah, it’s gonna take brains to get out of this,” replied Larry.
“That’s why I said we’re in a tough spot!” snarled Moe. That was when a Klingon man stepped in. His beard looked patchy, so he grabbed a follicle stimulator and rubbed it on the patchy spots to make the hair on his chin grow into a full beard. He then sculpted it into the usual goatee style and left. “By golly, I got it!” said Moe.
“You better have it, or we’re gonna get it!” said Curly.
“Quiet!” hissed Moe. He then took the follicle stimulator. “Here, start rubbing this on you! We’re gonna get ourselves some Klingon uniforms!”
“Oh! Sneaking onto the-!” realized Curly. Moe then clapped his hand over his friend’s mouth.
“Not so loud, you nitwit! Here!” He handed the follicle stimulator to Curly. “Get busy!”
Once the three grew their beards, they hid in the corridors. A Klingon passed by. Moe bonked the Klingon on the head. The Klingon blinked. “What in…?” That was when he passed out from the blow.
“This guy’s clothes should fit me!” said Moe as he started hauling the Klingon away.
“What about us?” asked Curly.
“Go get your own!” Moe took his Klingon to a secret area.
“Oh, a hoarder, huh?!” said Larry.
“Well, hoarders is hoarders!” chuckled Curly. They hid themselves in compartments in the walls as two Klingons their size passed by.
“And what did the Captain say?” asked the larger one.
“She said that I honored my house with how quickly I moved in helping capture this crate!” replied the other.
“Praise well deserved!” laughed the larger one.
“I think I’ll see what Kirk’s-!” Larry then kicked the smaller one in the rear. The smaller one thought it was his friend. “What did you kick me for?!”
“…I didn’t kick you,” replied the larger one. The Klingons were then both kicked by Larry and Curly, then turned on each other. “DISHONORABLE ROGUE! KICKING ME FROM BEHIND!”
“I DIDN’T KICK YOU! YOU KICKED ME!”
“LIAR!” The two Klingons then grappled, then Larry and Curly bonked them on their heads and knocked them out.
Once the three Klingons were shoved somewhere else, Moe, Larry, and Curly stepped out in their Klingon disguises. A Klingon officer then stopped them. “You three are just what I need,” he said. “We need new watchmen for the prisoners. Return to the ship and report to the brig.”
“That’s where Jimmy is!” realized Moe. The three then turned to the Klingon and saluted. “We’re on our way, Chief!” They then dashed to the transporter room.
“…Klingons excited for guard duty?” he muttered. “…Well, it IS Kirk.” He then returned to his duties.
The three were transported to the Klingon vessel and soon found their way to the brig. Kirk goggled when he saw them. “…Doctor, those men ARE human, yes?” McCoy was allowed to keep his tricorder, so he took a scan of them when they approached the cells.
“They’re human, all right,” replied McCoy.
“Captain, it’s great to see you again!” said Moe.
“What is the meaning of this?” asked Spock.
“Rescuing you, of course!” replied Larry.
“You three?” asked Kirk in disbelief.
“It’s all right, we got something in case WE can’t bust you guys out,” said Curly. He presented a tool case.
“Laddies, you’re the most considerate men I’ve met!” praised Scotty.
“You three find a way to get us out,” said Kirk. “We’ll wait here and plot a backup plan.”
“Aye, aye, Sir!” replied Larry and Curly as they saluted, hitting Moe in the process. Moe grabbed the tool case from Curly and handed it to Scotty. They then headed out and bumped into the Klingon Petty Officer.
“So!” he snarled. “Idle do-nothings! Just for that, you’ll get no breakfast until your job is finished!” He shoved a pole-like device to Curly. “You three clean Torpedo Tube 3! I’ll inspect it after breakfast!” Curly then held it like a rifle and turned, whacking Moe, Larry, and the Petty Officer in the process.
“COME ON!” snarled Moe as he and Larry dragged Curly along. They then arrived at the Torpedo Tube. “Don’t worry, kid, we’ll smuggle some grub for you.”
“Oh boy!” cheered Curly. “Make it roast turkey and dumplings! And cranberry sauce! And smother the whole thing in gravy! But no beans!”
“…Of course, Commodore,” replied Moe. He then smacked Curly. “Get away!” He and Larry then headed to the mess hall as Curly grunted in protest. His mood then changed.
“I don’t care! I get to eat!”
An hour later, Moe came back. “I brought you some food,” he said to Curly.
“Oh, goodie! Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! Gimme!” He then saw that the food was a plate of purple beans with pink polka dots on them. “Aw, this is Klingon beans! Listen you!”
“Quiet! That’s all the beardies have.” Larry then arrived.
“I brought you some breakfast!” he said.
“That’s what I call a pal!” Curly said to Moe. “Roast turkey, stuffed breasts, oh I love it!” No, it wasn’t. It was a repeat of Moe’s food! “NyaaAA! Beans! That’s all I get is beans! BEANS!”
“Here comes the Petty Officer!” warned Moe.
“Ditch the beans!” hissed Moe. They shoved the beans into the Torpedo Tube, then got busy cleaning the exterior wall. The Petty Officer arrived.
“Is that tube cleaned?” he asked.
“I should think so,” replied Moe.
“I’ll look.” The Petty Officer then looked inside. “THIS TUBE IS FILTHY, I TELL YOU! WHERE DID YOU LEARN HOW TO CLEAN?! SWAB IT OUT!” The three busied themselves, but the tube didn’t get any cleaner. “COME ON! WHEN I ASK FOR SERVICE, GIVE IT TO ME!” The three humans shrugged and cleaned in a fashion that flung beans onto the Petty Officer. “HEY!” he shouted. The men stopped. “FOR THIS, I’LL HAVE YOU THROWN INTO THE WARP COILS!”
“PETTY OFFICER KARET!” shouted a voice. It was Ka’Liegh’s First Officer. “So, that’s the game! Wasting precious beans from the Captain’s home! I hope she didn’t see you!”
“No excuses! I’ll discipline you when you get yourself cleaned!” As they argued, Curly used the pole device to clean the Torpedo Tube. He didn’t notice that the pole hit Moe. First it hit his cheek. Then it hit his eye, then the other eye.
“Hey, you!” said Moe. “Cut-!” The pole ended up being shoved into his mouth. Moe took the pole out then swung in a way that flung the beans onto the First Officer. He turned on the Petty Officer.
“COWARD! NOT GIVING ME THE DECENCY TO SHOW ME WHO MY AGRESSOR IS! I’LL HAVE YOUR THROAT CUT! I’LL HAVE YOU VAPORIZED! TO THE CAPTAIN WITH YOU!” He hauled the Petty Officer to the Captain’s Quarters.
Back with the Enterprise crew, Scotty was still fiddling with his cell’s mechanics. “Come on!” he urged himself. “Just one more…” The force field around his door then vanished. “Got it!” He soon set to work freeing his friends. It took less time to free them now that he knew how Klingons wired their brigs. Soon, the entire crew was free.
“Good work, Scotty!” said Kirk. “Now we just need to get our phasers.”
“You mean these phasers?” asked Uhura as she pulled one out of a storage compartment.
“Good eye, Uhura!” chuckled McCoy. The phasers were soon passed around.
“Well, ladies and gentlemen,” said Kirk, “all that’s left is to get those three and get to the transporter room.” The crew wasn’t exactly thrilled at picking up Moe, Larry, and Curly. “Look, they’re Federation citizens and we can’t leave them to the Klingons. I know they’re not…intellectually sound, but they still don’t deserve to be prisoners of the Klingon Empire.
Over in Ka’Liegh’s ready room, the Petty Officer finally got a chance to explain himself. “Captain, I tell you now, I didn’t do it! It was those three new men!”
“New men, my foot!” scoffed Ka’Liegh. “We didn’t get any new men!”
“But they must be new men! One was fat and bald! One had a bowl haircut! One had an exposed scalp and a mess of curly orange hair on the back of his head!”
“…Describe those men again.”