“That was…quite an adventure you had!” I breathed. Tanisha curtsied as we clapped. “I think you left out where you got the studs, though.”
“Oh, Wheatley had accidentally snagged them when he was looking around GLaDOS’ gateway room,” explained Tanisha. “I took them when we were in the rift.”
“All right, my friends, I think we’ve had a long day,” I sighed. “Now, why don’t we…”
“Did you know that the mitochondria is your powerhouse? Wait, you’re not Cell!” I instinctively punched the guy that said that and he crashed into the wall. He slid down as if he was dead.
“Did…I just…manslaughter…Spider-Man?” I asked .
“Really?” sighed Emily. “Gonna make THAT mistake?”
“At least SOMEONE knows me!” muttered the guy I punched.
“Wait, how did you…?” I asked, unsure of how he survived that.
“Mutant, friendo!” laughed the guy. He jumped to his feet so I could see the number of pouches on his red and black suit. “Well, Mutate, really, but, whatevs!”
“Wade, how did you find us?!” sighed Emily.
“My magic unicorn!” snarked the guy. “Anyway, INTRODUCTIONS! I’m your Deadly Neighborhood Deadpool! It rhymes with No School! Too Cool! Ain’t no Fool and I’m acting like my incarnation in the Ultimate Spider-Man TV series. Damn it!”
“Not a breaker!” wailed X-PO.
“A what?” asked Emmanuel.
“There’s a dividing force out in the multiverse,” explained Vortoranii. “A force that divides us from other null dimensions, where nothing exciting happens in the way you’re used to. That force is called the Fourth Wall, and some idiots in the multiverse love to turn it into powder! Hence, breakers!”
“What can I say?” chuckled Deadpool. “She-Honk and I do it a lot!”
“She-HULK, you mean,” corrected Richard.
“Don’t feed him!” wailed Emily.
“She’s big, green, makes noise,” argued Deadpool.
“And has the authority to sue your cancer-ridden rear,” countered Richard.
“A case like that can drag on for years,” dismissed Deadpool.
“So, wait, are you some guy who randomly spouts nonsense?” I asked.
“Among other things,” supplied Emily. “He’s called the Merc With a Mouth.”
“Merc?” I repeated “As in, mercenary?”
“Yepperoni!” confirmed Deadpool. “And, right now, some Asian dude contracted me to assassinate your skirt wearing ass!” He pointed to me.
“Ignoring the fact that you can’t tell the Japanese apart from the rest of Asia, the thought of Hiro stooping that low never really crossed my mind,” I said.
“Yeah, well, the pic he gave me looks nothing like you.” Deadpool held up a picture of Sailor Moon.
“Oh, absolutely not!” I confirmed.
“Ah well!” giggled Deadpool as he tossed the picture aside. “Enough making the Toku Fandom mad. I’m gonna murderlize you real good with Black Betty and Vera!” He pulled out his guns. “Maybe this stupid retelling of Lego Dimensions will get somewhere with me around!”
“Guns?” I asked. “Buddy, your employer can tell you how poorly that’s gonna work out for why is there a breeze through my shoulder?” Deadpool’s left gun was smoking. “I stand corrected,” I mused, “also perforated. Also, AAARRRGGH!” I clutched my shoulder in pain.
“And the blades here are Adamantium, baby!” cheered Deadpool. The twin katanas he had ended up in talk show chairs. “Meet Wanda and Selene! Who I named after my cats, that I had to put down with these swords.” He got up close and whispered in our ears as Emily got the bullet out. “Also, they weren’t cats, but feral tortoises!”
“Henshin!” called Emmanuel. He turned into Arch and fired off an energy arrow into Deadpool’s head. “Un, Deux, Trois, Quatre…” he counted before Deadpool came back up.
“Okay, the swords aren’t Adamantium,” he conceded. “They’re Carbonadium.” Arch shot him again. He hummed the French National Anthem for a bit before Deadpool popped up again. “DAMMIT!” he snapped, getting a little mad. “Listen, you rifle-dropping…!” Arch shot him again before he could get any further with that one.
“Mon Dieu,” muttered Arch, “and you told me he was Canadian, oui Emily?”
“I know, nowhere near as polite,” agreed Emily as she patched up my shoulder. “Go easy on it, all right?”
“All right, that’s F***IN IT!” roared Deadpool as he drew his swords. “Every time you idiots do this to me; you make me lose a bit of my memory! While I’m more than happy to say bye-bye to Uncle Vance and his camping trip from Hell, I can’t risk losing the time I got lucky at band school! So, sit still and let me dice you up!”
“Henshin,” called Emily. As she turned into Touché, her foil blocked his swords. “Listen, Wadey, can I call you Wadey?”
“You can call me whatever you want while I carve you like a goddamn ham!” threatened Deadpool.
“3,706,” counted Touché, remembering all the pig jokes she heard in her life. “Wadey, I get what your shtick is.” She knocked his swords out of his hands.
“AH! MY TIPS!” he yelped.
“One of us does something to you that would kill a normal person,” continued Touché, “you DON’T die, you crack a joke that offends someone, we do it again, rinse and repeat! You’ve lost your luster, dude. So, take your swords, your guns, your Fourth Wall breaking, and go back to your native universe.”
“Eh, sorry,” mused Deadpool, “but, a job’s a job’s a job! And I’m getting paid big time to kill your boss. So, step aside and let this be the easiest 10,000,000,000,000 bucks I’ve ever made!”
“You mean studs, right?” I asked.
“Er, no, I meant bucks,” countered Deadpool. “And not the male venison!”
“Deadpool, neither side uses American Dollars,” remarked Joshua.
“What else is there?” asked Deadpool.
“Can whoever’s watching or writing this explain to Deadpool what’s going on?” Touché asked the heavens as she changed back. A laptop came up from a pedestal in the floor. Deadpool went to DeviantArt, typed in a username, and found the story the artist made. He stopped at a certain point and developed a nasty twitch.
“Studs?” he hissed. “They were gonna pay me…in STUDS?! THAT’S NOT LEGAL TENDER WHERE I’M FROM!! IT’S NOT EVEN ILLEGAL TENDER!! AND THEY WERE GONNA CONVERT ME INTO ONE OF THEIR CYBORGS INSTEAD OF GIVING ME CHIMICHANGAS?! Okay, deep breath…” he inhaled, then exhaled. We waited a few seconds. “Congratulations!” cheered Deadpool. “You’ve just convinced me to break contract and fight Lord Vortech with you guys!”
“What do you want in return?” I asked.
“You ARE a smart one, this ISN’T a freebie!” replied Deadpool. “I want the 10 trillion and chimichangas they promised me!”
“How many chimichangas?” asked Emily. “I think the replicators can make the desired amount.”
“A butt-load!” answered Deadpool. Emily checked the options and saw that there was, indeed, a butt-load option. She selected it and out came the promised amount.
“As for the money,” called X-PO, “how would exclusive rights to the money dimension work out for you?”
“There’s a money dimension?” I asked.
“You’re lying,” muttered Deadpool. X-PO opened a rift and Deadpool stuck his head through. After a few seconds where his arms went limp, he pulled out, his eyes wider than an insect’s. “I could retire on just .01% of that!” he breathed. “Take a look!” We all poked our heads through and…Deadpool wasn’t wrong! Stacks of cash, gold, and jewels as far as the eye can see.
“Smaug wouldn’t have needed Erebor’s gold!” I exclaimed. I turned to Deadpool. “Well? Will that settle our debt?”
“Immensely!” confirmed Deadpool. “In fact, Your Highness, you’re the first person to have me on retainer!” A card printed out of the gateway.
“Just tap the little blue circle and Dimension 1-N-F-1-N-1-T-3-C-4-5-H is yours,” explained X-PO.
“Speaking of dimensions, I gotta get back,” announced Deadpool. “Gotta sharpen my weapons, reload, add a few pouches to the suit…”
“You really ARE a Liefeld creation, aren’t you?” muttered Emily.
“Hey, at least my current artists can draw my feet!” snapped Deadpool. A portal opened up. “And that’s my ride. Smell you later!” Deadpool, mercifully, went through.
“Okay,” I muttered, “any MORE crazies we should deal with, or can we retire to our rooms?” Nothing happened. “Let’s get some rest then.” Everyone dispersed. “Hiroki Nee-san,” I said, “would you walk with me for a sec?”
“Of course,” replied Hiroki. We walked around, away from prying eyes. It was then I decided to speak.
“Sending Tanisha to the Portal universe without backup? What the heck?!” I snapped. Hiroki tensed up.
“Megumi,” he countered, “with all due respect, we were pressed for time. On top of that, Tonje’s not a gamer.”
“I’M not a gamer,” I reminded him, “and I survived that universe. Know why? Because I had the necessary backup. Tanisha would have guided Tonje through that universe just fine. If anything, it would have been easier on Tanisha so someone could have kept Igura off her back.”
“But, would explaining things not have slowed them down?” asked Hiroki. “That universe IS enemy territory.”
“That we have frustrated once before,” I reminded. “There would have been plenty of time for Tanisha to explain things to Tonje. I cannot have people underestimate one another. It’s because of having experts on certain universes that we survived thus far and it will continue to serve us all well. I don’t recall you raising any objections to me going to an unknown universe. Have I got that wrong and I didn’t hear your numerous objections?” That hit him.
“I…raised no such things,” he mumbled.
“Then I would advise you to extend that courtesy to the others, all right?” I directed.
“Yes, Sister,” he muttered. He left to his quarters without another word. The loneliness of command, gotta love it, huh?
“Lord Vortech, get me out of here!” wailed the potato battery I brought with me when I returned. In it was GLaDOS’ main neural processor.
“Considering your failure to destroy a Vortex Rider and the fact that you lost the rift technology Hiro left you,” snarled Vortech, “I see no reason to do so. You shall serve as a constant reminder to those that would dare fail me, Igura and Hiro, chiefly.”
“Excuse me?” I protested.
“You allowed yourself to be defeated by a child!” growled Vortech. “Your excursion into J-U-R-4-5-5-1-C-P-4-R-K had better not end in failure!” I gulped, realizing Vortech’s not in the mood for excuses.
“Yes, Lord Vortech,” I mumbled.