Month: January 2025

An Orc and his human wife languished in a dungeon cell. The woman wringed her hands in worry. “Ooh, this is just terrible!” she said. “How could this have happened?!”

“I underestimated Ssylphiel’s soldiers, that’s what happened,” sighed the Orc. “Her harem is army enough and I foolishly forgot that.” Speaking of which, a gnome woman with a yellow bra and a blue skirt arrived.

“The mistress will see you two,” she said as she opened the cell door. “Follow.”

“…Too many guards,” muttered the Orc. “…Come on, dear.” The two were led out of the cell and to a massive throne room. At the end was a bowl with an opening and cushions lining the inside. There was a woman inside the bowl, a Naga. She had a green tail, green skin, green hair, wore only a bra and necklace, and wore a blue flower in her hair.

“Hail to the Goddess, Ssylphiel Emerald Goldcoil, Queen of the Eternal Sands of the Serpentia Queendom, High Mistress of the Order of Hissteria, and Conqueror of Slypheria!” announced a harem girl with a red skirt as she got the Orc and his wife to bow.

“Now, now,” chided the Naga, Ssylphiel, as she rose from the bowl and slithered across the room to her prisoners. “No need to force Throzgar of the Great Orc Kingdom of Orkalist and his wife, Delilah, to bow.” Throzgar and his wife were released and rose.

“What is it you want this time, snake?!” snarled Throzgar.

“Well, one of your troops came to me a couple of weeks ago,” explained Ssylphiel. “He and his wife were visiting a neutral library, a rare commodity, and discovered something that displeased both them…and me.” She turned to a Dwarf woman wearing a green skirt. “Bring Markash and Saliam in.” The Dwarf bowed and opened a secret door. In stepped an Orc with his Elf wife. “Markash, will you and your wife kindly explain what you found?”

“Certainly,” replied Markash.

“3,287 years ago,” began Saliam, “we had burned the city of Nagatopia to ashes.”

“I read further,” continued Markash, “that Nagatopia used to be an ORC city before Ssylphiel had the city sacked and took it as Serpentia’s.”

“Now, the books confirmed my recollection that Serpentian forces invaded our territory and sacked that city,” continued Saliam, “because you had a dam built and redirected a river from Serpentian lands to ours.”

“And you had that dam built,” continued Markash, “because she cut off gold trade with us. Okay, somewhat fair.”

“I discovered,” went on Saliam, “that she only cut off gold trade because you refused to attend her 50,000th birthday party. Something of an insult to a woman of her status, hm?”

“And you refused to attend,” finished Markash, “because Ssylphiel tricked you into sitting on an egg! And that was on the day you said the war started! 5,000 years ago last week! My Lordship, PLEASE tell me that this war didn’t start because of a mere prank?!” Throzgar looked away. “…Your silence speaks volumes! FIVE THOUSAND YEARS OF BLOODSHED OVER A HARMLESS PRANK!”

“I’m frankly surprised,” said Ssylphiel, “that you held a grudge for that long. You could have pranked me back, Throzgar!”

“That’s why we’re fighting?!” yelped Delilah. “Good Gods, I can’t believe I married someone so thin-skinned! I’m taking over!” Delilah then stabbed Throzgar in the head. The Orc fell dead as Delilah’s dress and hair rose turned black. “…I’ll take the body away,” she offered.

“We’ll serve as witnesses to what happened,” supplied Saliam.

“Then this war will terminate?” asked Ssylphiel.

“Yes, this war will end,” promised Delilah. “When should we meet to discuss peace?”

“Oh, how about April, Your Majesty?” suggested Ssylphiel. “Plenty of time for us to recall our troops from contested areas and rebuild.”

“Very well. By your leave…”

“Guards, let the new queen and her friends return to Orkalist unmolested,” ordered Ssylphiel. The guards escorted the three from the throne room and Ssylphiel returned to her throne. “Happy Year of the Snake, Darlings,” she hissed happily.