Category: Series 3

John, Kaori, and Octavio made their way to Octavio’s quarters. He opened up his private kitchen and pulled out a bottle of vinegar. “…You cook?” asked John.

“Of course I do!” replied Octavio. “A real king can’t rely on servants for everything!”

“Hm, is that Takoyaki I’m smelling?” asked a Slitheen woman’s voice. The group found hiding places in the room as the Slitheen entered. She sniffed the air. “Oh, playing hard to get, eh? Well, that’s all right. This old girl could use the mental exercise!” She continued sniffing. “Mmm! That smell of adrenaline! It’s intoxicating!” Octavio was trying to load the ink tank with the vinegar quietly. “Ooh! That fear! Flooding your bodies with instincts that tell you to run because fighting is impossible!” The Slitheen then heard a click. She then pulled the table away to reveal Octavio having finally closed the lid! “There you are, Your Majesty!” cackled the Slitheen.

“ONE OF YOU! FIRE!” shouted Octavio. John and Kaori leveled their blasters at the Slitheen and pulled the triggers. John’s didn’t fire, but Kaori’s did. The Slitheen was doused in vinegar and gasped in horror as the acetic acid in the vinegar did its work. There was one last prolonged fart…then the Slitheen exploded, her green meat scattering all over the room. “…Okay…” mumbled Octavio. “I…don’t ever want to see that again.”

The Doctor had finished making her psychic communicator. Amy looked down the hall when she heard the fart and resulting explosion. “What was-?!” she yelped.

“The acetic acid in vinegar causing bubbling in the Slitheen’s calcium phosphate anatomy, causing an explosion,” explained the Doctor.

“…Vinegar makes a Slitheen blow up?!” asked Amy.

“Makes any Raxacoricofallapatorian blow up,” replied the Doctor. She then inspected her handiwork. “…Welp, all done here. …Just wish I had brain lube for this.”

“Brain lube?”

“Just a joke. I’m going to be in some considerable pain, considering I’m trying to telepathically reach halfway across the galaxy. …Well, Doctor, brace yourself!” The Doctor put the electrodes on her head and switched her communicator on. She then felt incredible pressure in her head, like her mind was about to explode! As she groaned and strained, she tried to send her thoughts concerning the Slitheen’s presence and a plea for help to the Galactic Council. For the Doctor, it felt like hours. For Amy, it felt the same, seeing the Doctor in pain with no idea how to help her. In reality, it was only minutes. The Doctor then switched off her communicator and tore the electrodes off her head.

“Doctor!” yelped Amy.

“I’m all right!” panted the Doctor. She then slowly smiled. “Help was a lot closer than I thought.”

“Doctor?” asked Amy.

“Come on, Amy,” directed the Doctor. “We’d better go greet them.”

“Greet who?!” Amy HATED it when the Doctor acted like this!

“What is taking her so long?!” complained Tafrasa.

“You know how she likes to toy with her prey,” replied his brother. “I’m more concerned with what’s taking Inkadia so long! Those codes should be released by now!”

“Erm, guys-!” called a young Slitheen.

“Not now, son,” replied Tafrasa.

“Dad, it’s really-!” insisted the young Slitheen.

“In a minute!” hissed Tafrasa. That was when the New Squidbeak Splatoon burst in.

“HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM!” shouted Captain Trey, the original Agent 3. The Slitheen just laughed.

“My dear boy, if that’s all you’re worried about-.” said Tafrasa.

“No! Dad, listen to me!” insisted his son. John, Kaori, and Octavio then arrived.

“NOBODY MOVE OR THE VINEGAR MAKES YOU ALL GO BOOM!” shouted Kaori.

“…You DARED kill my cousin!” snarled Tafrasa.

“Dad, believe it or not, there’s someone worse coming!” interjected his son.

“Oh, what is it?!” snapped Tafrasa.

“A Wrarth Warrior ship!” his son finally explained. “They were hiding right behind Earth’s moon! Someone called them for help!”

“A Wrarth Warrior ship?! Impossible!” Tafrasa finally checked the instruments. As he did, the Doctor and Amy arrived.

“Ah, here we all are!” she said. “And judging by your panic, Tafrasa, I see you discovered the Wrarth Warrior ship I contacted.”

“How?! You couldn’t contact the outside world!” snarled Tafrasa.

“You left me in a room with hypno-shades,” replied the Doctor. “It was easy to make a psychic communicator. I was prepared to send a plea for help to the Galactic Council Chambers, but a psychic among the Wrarth Warriors intercepted the call, taking a load off my mind quite literally. They should be arriving in about…” That was when flashes of light appeared, then formed humanoid arthropods with a pincer claw replacing the left forearm and five tendrils making up the right hand. They had huge red eyes and digitigrade legs.

“All right, you Slitheen scum!” snapped one of the creatures. “Which one of you is Tafrasa Dav-thon Thackarin-Day Slitheen?!”

“YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!” shouted Tafrasa as he readied his claws. He was then gunned down by the commander.

“Wait a minute-!” yelped Amy.

“Oh, no worries, Amy,” soothed the Doctor. “Their sidearms are stun guns. No lethal settings at all.”

“Of course, Doctor,” confirmed the Wrarth Warrior Commander. “I take it you ARE the Doctor that sent that psychic distress signal? The same one that helped us bring Beep the Meep to justice?”

“That’s me!” replied the Doctor.

“Wh-What’s going on here?!” asked John.

“Everyone, meet the Wrarth Warriors, a proper space police force,” introduced the Doctor.

“Sergeant Zivka, at your service, everyone,” said the Wrarth Commander. “My troops and I have been tasked with bringing the Thackarin-Day Slitheen back to Raxacoricofallapatorius for life imprisonment.”

“They’re still doing that these days?” asked the Doctor.

“They’re reserving the death penalty for the worst of the Slitheen,” explained Zivka. “We’ll put the Slitheen onto their ship and send it away to their homeworld via remote control.”

“And then what?” asked Captain Trey.

“Well, the humans ARE coming,” revealed Zivka, “but they’re not preparing warships, but embassy ships.”

“Embassy?” asked Kaori. “You mean…they really want peace?”

“Naturally.”

“While usually surrendering to their knee-jerk reactions,” said the Doctor, “humans genuinely don’t want to fight their neighbors.”

After they were cuffed, the Slitheen were marched back to their ship. The Wrarth Warriors oversaw the whole operation and keyed in a command for the ship. The Slitheen ship then rose into the air. “…I do have to apologize for the death of one of them,” the Doctor said to Zivka.

“It was self-defense,” replied Zivka. “I cannot hold-.” He was interrupted when a massive laser fired from the ground. It struck the Slitheen ship and destroyed it. “What in-?! Who fired that?!” demanded Zivka.

“It was self-defense!” replied Octavio.

“They had surrendered! You executed them unnecessarily!” snarled the Doctor.

“They were too dangerous to be kept alive, Doctor!” argued Octavio.

“There was a kid among them!” shouted Amy.

“I had to make that sacrifice to protect my people!” retorted Octavio.

“Don’t you dare start with me about that, Octavio!” growled the Doctor. “I know one word that could remove a psychopath like you from power!”

“You don’t have that kind of power!” laughed Octavio.

“You’re right, that’s giving myself too much credit,” replied the Doctor. “I know six words.”

“You’re lying.”

“Six little words.” She motioned for Zivka to follow her as she approached Octavio’s aide. She then whispered something to them. Zivka looked back, then nodded. The aide…looked uncertain. The Doctor then walked away. “Come on, Amy, back to the TARDIS.”

“…Wait, what did you say?!” demanded Octavio. “Doctor, WHAT DID YOU SAY?!” The New Squidbeak Splatoon, John, and Kaori then followed the Doctor as the Wrarth Warriors returned to their ship.

The Doctor and her group made it to Inkopolis Plaza. “So, it’s back to adventure for you guys?” John asked Amy.

“Well, the Doctor’s gotta cool off first,” replied Amy. “Let’s just say there’s a lot of personal pain from her I don’t fully understand.”

“Pray you never do,” replied Trey. “I saw that look in my predecessor’s eyes and I occasionally have that look. Doctor, I don’t know the scope of the war you fought in, but I hope I never do.”

“…So do I, Captain Trey,” said the Doctor. She opened the TARDIS doors and she and Amy went inside. The TARDIS then dematerialized.

“…Fresh!” whispered Kaori.

“Doctor, there’s something I DO need to know,” said Amy.

“What’s that?” asked the Doctor as she focused on the controls.

“What did you say to Zivka and Octavio’s aide?”

“…I just asked them a question,” replied the Doctor. “Perhaps you can answer it like they did.”

“What was that question?”

“…Don’t you think he looked tired?” Amy’s eyes goggled.

“…You killed his political career!” she said.

“He’s not the first politician whose career I killed like that,” replied the Doctor. “From what I glimpsed of the Octarian Nation’s future, he’s forced to abdicate thanks to the stresses of the Slitheen Incident and his successor’s role as King is rather like that of the Japanese Emperor, a ceremonial head of state with the Prime Minister of the Octarian National Diet as the real political powerhouse.”

“…And the humans?” asked Amy. The Doctor grinned at that.

“They make peace with the current dominant life of Earth and bring them to the stars!” she revealed. “Inkling and Octarian colonies dot the edge of the galaxy, even moving to other galaxies, like humans and Mobians!” Amy smiled.

“That’s a future worth seeing!” she said. “…Are there still Inkling and Octarian colonies in my time?”

“Yeah, actually! Wanna see?”

“Heck yeah!” With that, the Doctor set the controls and the TARDIS spun through the Time Vortex!

The Doctor’s mind raced with ideas, but no concrete plans. John was about to say something, but Amy stopped him. “Better let her plan,” she advised.

“…Why would they wait this long?” muttered the Doctor.

“Pardon?” asked Amy.

“Even accounting for my usual life-style, the Slitheen could have picked any time I visited in the 21^st century, so why here and now?”

“Maybe their ancestors tried?” guessed Amy. “And maybe they really wanted it to hurt somehow?”

“But how?” muttered the Doctor.

“…Maybe they’re gonna try again with the old Slitheen plan?” asked Kaori.

“…You know, I think you have something there,” said the Doctor. “There ARE still nuclear weapons on this planet, yes?”

“Yes, but we never got to touch them,” replied John.

“We never really bothered,” explained Octavio. “They’re nothing more than a suicide pill. The one thing us Octarians and you slimy hipsters agree on.”

“Octavio, is there a way we can monitor communications here?” asked the Doctor.

“Yeah, but we can’t exactly contact the outside world or any other part of this particular dome while the lockdown’s in effect for this room.”

“Let me worry about that. Show me.” With that, Octavio showed the Doctor a communications console. The Doctor started combing through the channels until she stumbled across Tafrasa speaking.

“-of Inkadia, heed my words,” he said. “The mammals that once dominated this planet have spread to colonies beyond our world. They have intercepted our Golden Disk and are making their way back to Earth…but not with peaceful intentions.”

“What? Already?” asked the Doctor.

“Our scientists have searched the solar system,” continued Tafrasa, “and they have found…massive weapons of destruction, capable of being deployed within 45 seconds!”

“That can’t be right!” muttered Kaori.

“It’s not right,” replied the Doctor.

“And, regretfully, they are capable of taking over our leaders’ minds!” Tafrasa went on. “Imagine my horror when I discovered that they enslaved our beloved DJ Octavio! Our scientists can baffle the mammal probes…but not for long. We’re facing…extinction. Inklings, Octarians, Jellyfish, all of us…unless we strike first! According to what I read from scientists from all walks of life, Splatsville lies directly beneath the belly of the mammal mothership! I beg the powers of Inkadia; pass an emergency resolution! Give us the access codes!”

“No, he wouldn’t!” realized John.

“A nuclear strike at the heart of the beast,” Tafrasa confirmed, “is our ONLY chance of survival! Because, from this moment on, it is my solemn duty to inform you…Planet Earth is at war with its ancestral rulers, the human race!”

“He’s lying,” said the Doctor. “The humans don’t go to war against you lot. Spoilers, but the dominant races, both old and new, make peace with one another.”

“So why would the Slitheen want to make up a threat?” asked John.

“And why throw me under the bus?!” demanded Octavio.

“And how will all that get at you?” asked Kaori.

“Reverse order,” replied the Doctor. “I put a lot of work into this planet, the Slitheen don’t need Octavio anymore, and it’s all part of their spectacle.”

“Do you think the powers of Inkadia will believe Tafrasa?” asked Amy.

“Why not?” asked the Doctor. “Inklings and Octarians are just like humans and Mobians in that regard. That’s what the Slitheen want, the whole world in a panic! You get scared, you lash out, the codes for the nuclear arsenal the humans left behind are released, and the Slitheen go nuclear!” The Doctor worked on the console.

“But why?” asked Octavio. “And what are you doing?”

“I’m getting into contact with Tafrasa,” replied the Doctor.

“But I just told you-!”

“And you’re right,” assured the Doctor. “But you didn’t have me around. I’m asking the computers running the communications systems very nicely to let me speak with him. AHA!”

“You got it?!” asked Amy.

“I got it!” replied the Doctor. “What’s his comms code, Octavio?”

“Well, if he was stupid enough to keep it, 4-7-8-4-2.” The Doctor keyed in the code.

“Aha! He IS stupid enough to keep it!” she cheered. She then spoke into the mic. “I will speak to Tafrasa Dav-Thon Thackarin-Day Slitheen under Jurisdiction 2 of the Shadow Proclamation!” Someone then picked up.

“I’m here, Doctor!” snarled Tafrasa’s voice.

“So, tell me, Tafrasa, since when did the Slitheen fall to senility? I mean, your external skin’s getting pretty hard, that’s a sign of advanced age for a Raxacoricofallapatorian.”

“I assure you, it’s more than just a repeat of what the Passameer-Day Slitheen attempted!” replied Tafrasa. “And since your precious humans are going to die in the process, I’ll overlook the comments about my age!”

“So you get the codes, convince the Inklings and Octarians that there’s an invading fleet of humans, they retaliate, but the missiles don’t strike any ships, they strike other countries.”

“And the radioactive shockwave would destroy the recolonization fleet on approach while we wait out the disaster in our own ship and claim salvage! A real pity that the humans would be exposed to the vacuum and cold of space!”

“But you’d destroy our planet!” protested Kaori. “You’d destroy something beautiful-!”

“Earth was never beautiful and never will be!” snapped Tafrasa. “Tigers, green plants, canyons in the sea, Inklings! It’s all ugly! Better to reduce the planet to molten slag and sell it off piece by radioactive piece! We’ve already sent the advert out, Doctor! The sale of the millennium! Enough raw fuel for every cut-price starliner and budget hauler! Surely you’re aware of the Galactic Depression, Doctor.”

“A depression that the Slitheen started! This is part of that Operation: Homeward Bound I heard about! You tank the galactic economy, Raxacoricofallapatorius becomes the poorest planet, they can’t fund their law enforcement, so you swoop in and take over the government! This is a venture to raise capital!”

“Precisely!” confirmed Tafrasa.

“At the cost of 5 billion people!”

“A bargain!” At that, the Doctor drew in a breath.

“…I give you a choice, Tafrasa Dav-Thon Thackarin-Day Slitheen,” she warned, “stop this plan, leave Earth peacefully, or I’ll stop you.” Tafrasa laughed at her.

“What, you?!” he said. “Trapped in your box?!”

“I beat the Passameer-Day Slitheen that way,” replied the Doctor.

“Not this time, Doctor! You may have restored communications between rooms but my cousin is skilled at keeping even YOU from contacting the outside world!” Tafrasa then switched off communications.

“Doctor, if he’s right-!” gulped John.

“He’ll be proven wrong,” assured the Doctor. “…But I can’t do this alone.”

“Are you getting Rassilon to help?” asked Amy.

“No, she’s too busy,” replied the Doctor. “No, I need to contact the Galactic Council. It was re-established after the Meep Army beheaded and ate the original council.” Amy blinked at that as the Doctor worked.

“…Th…the Meep…? …You know what, given that Gallifrey and Ragsi…Ruggsa…” The Doctor rolled her eyes. “Give me a minute!” protested Amy. “Ragsa…”

“Raxacoricofallapatorius,” said the Doctor.

“…Raxacorico…”

“Fallapatorius.”

“Raxacoricofallapatorius!” cheered Amy.

“That’s it!” praised the Doctor. “Well done!”

“Are you two listening to each other right now?!” snapped John. “You two think you’re so clever right now!”

“Yeah,” replied the Doctor.

“You sound like Marina Ida before her defection!” snarled Octavio.

“Hey, she only defected after YOU lost hypnotic control over her, just like the other Octolings living with us!” argued Kaori.

“Hypnotic control?” asked the Doctor.

“My spicy wasabi beats keep my soldiers under my control,” explained Octavio. “I needed TOTAL loyalty from my soldiers to protect my people!”

“You brain-washed innocent people!” retorted Amy.

“You also conscripted ten-year-olds!” said Kaori.

“…Octavio, how do you send your hypnotic signal out?” asked the Doctor.

“Put on those goggles and I’ll show you!” replied Octavio as he pointed out a row of red and black visor-style goggles. The Doctor pulled out a pair and examined it.

“…Actually, one might help slightly. …But many…” she took out a lot, then found a toolkit and started taking them apart.

“Hey! That’s Imperial Octarian property!” snarled Octavio.

“It still is,” replied the Doctor, “just being used for a more benign purpose.”

“Doctor, what are you doing?” asked Amy.

“I’m making a psychic communicator,” explained the Doctor. “There are plenty of psychic races in the Galactic Council at this time, so hopefully I can reach them.” At that moment, klaxons blared.

“What in-?!” asked John.

“That’s the intruder alarm!” replied Octavio.

“Turn that off, Octavio!” ordered the Doctor. “I need to concentrate!” Octavio turned off the alarm and goggled.

“…Oh no, not again!” he complained.

“What is it?” asked Kaori.

“It’s that stupid New Squidbeak Splatoon!” grumbled Octavio. “Captain Trey is leading the charge!”

“The New Squidbeak Splatoon?!” asked John. “WHOO! MY HEROES!”

“They’re the ones that beat Octavio in recent times!” explained Kaori.

“No, no, no!” protested the Doctor. “We have to send them away!”

“Doctor?” asked Amy.

“The Slitheen won’t be affected by the Splatoon’s ink!” explained the Doctor. “It will be a massacre!”

“There’s also a chance it could cause confusion for the Slitheen!” said Amy.

“It’s too risky!” countered the Doctor. “Raxacoricofallapatorians are fast, strong, and the females have poison darts in their fingers! The New Squidbeak Splatoon WILL be slaughtered! Kaori, John, you two will have to save them. Octavio, is there a vinegar supply and can the ink tanks be loaded with it?”

“Yes to both, but-!” replied Octavio.

“Then lead them there!” directed the Doctor. “And watch your backs!”

“Well, this is familiar,” muttered Amy as she sat in a cell with the Doctor, John, and Kaori. She noticed that the Doctor was wetting her finger in the water glass she was given and rubbing it along the rim to make sound.

“…No, still not the right frequency,” she muttered.

“Frequency for what?” asked John.

“Well, I noticed that the locks are sonic locks,” explained the Doctor, “and I wondered if I could replicate the sound. Hence the musical glass.”

“It’s a full octave,” explained a voice. A fat Octoling arrived.

“That’s the Octarian Ambassador!” whispered Kaori.

“So it’s a series of eight notes?” guessed the Doctor.

“And played at high speeds that only a machine could achieve,” confirmed the Octarian Ambassador. “But, good news for you, I managed to get you an audience with King Octavio.” He held a device to the cell door and it played a rapid-fire octave, unlocking the door.

“Very kind of you,” said the Doctor.

“Why would Octavio want an audience?” asked Amy.

“Gloating, maybe,” remarked John.

“Yeah, that sounds about right,” agreed Kaori.

The Octarian Ambassador led everyone to the throne room. Octavio was still in his Octobot. “Well, well!” cackled Octavio. “A pair of slimy hipsters and their mammal friends!”

“DJ Octavio, what prompted this whole thing in the first place?” asked the Doctor.

“To finally claim what was supposed to be mine! All of Inkadia!”

“Another two-bit tyrant,” muttered Amy. “…Hang on, Kaori, John, is this whole place really called Inkadia?”

“Yep,” replied Kaori.

“And why would you need to conquer all of Inkadia anyways?” asked the Doctor.

“To undo the Inklings’ victory over my people 100 years ago!”

“Oh, for Pete’s sake!” complained John. “Our grandparents offered ways for you guys to get power for your homes!”

“Inefficient and unreliable!” retorted Octavio.

“Could someone fill me in on what happened?” asked the Doctor.

“100 years ago,” explained John, “the Inklings and Octarians fought in a war for survival. Before that, we were peaceful neighbors, but rising sea levels forced us to fight over the remaining land.”

“We held the advantage over the Inklings!” continued Octavio. “We were more disciplined! They couldn’t even get out of bed early enough to fight!”

“But we had ten limbs over their eight!” boasted John.

“No, it was because of sheer luck!” shouted Octavio. “If that plug wasn’t carelessly pulled, we’d have won the instant the Great Octoweapons stormed your central stronghold!” Octavio was about to continue when…someone farted. Everyone glared at the offending farter, the Octarian Ambassador.

“…Excuse me, would you mind not farting while I’m getting both sides of history?” asked the Doctor.

“Would you prefer silent but deadly, Time Lord?” asked the Ambassador. That caught the Doctor’s attention.

“…How did you…?” she asked. Amy then sniffed the air.

“…That’s not a fart smell,” she said. “That’s…bad breath?” Kaori and John smelled the air.

“…Yeah, that smells like someone not brushing their beak,” said John.

“That’s not chitin decay,” said the Doctor. “No, that’s the smell of…calcium decay. …Wait…” The Doctor looked at all the overweight Octolings. “…Are you lot…Jingatheen? Rackateen?”

“This is for the Passameer-Day Slitheen, Time Lord!” replied the Octarian Ambassador as he reached for his forehead. He then pulled on a hidden zipper that allowed a bright-blue light to shine out.

“Oh no! OUT!” called the Doctor as others did the same.

“Wh-Wha-?!” spluttered Octavio. He was then grabbed by Kaori and John and hauled away with the Doctor leading the escape. Amy snuck a look back to see something within the Ambassador’s skin pulling it off like it was a tight latex suit! The creature wearing the skin had bulbous skin, black orbs for eyes, sharp teeth, a long neck, and arms with three fingered claws.

“RUN, AMY!” called the Doctor. Amy ran as the creature and several of its friends had stripped down so they could reveal their trunk-like legs! The creatures then roared and gave chase! They were fast for such bulky aliens!

“What’s going on here?!” yelped Kaori.

“Later!” replied the Doctor. “Octavio! Safe room! Now!”

“Take a left here!” called Octavio. Everyone ran left. “Fourth door on your right! HURRY!” The Doctor quickly found the door and everyone dashed inside. There were several ink tanks and firearms.

“Ooh! Weapons!” said Kaori. She strapped an ink tank on and it filled with her color ink. The Doctor then cannibalized several weapons and a flashlight to make a gadget. She then grabbed the gun the ink tank was paired with, then aimed it at the creatures while holding the device above the gun.

“One false move,” she warned the creatures, “and my little gadget here will accelerate the decay of the ink in Kaori’s tank as it’s fired! Splat! Acetic acid shower! Now spack off!” The creatures backed up. The Doctor looked to her group. “They’re calcium-based life-forms. Acetic acid, usually found in vinegar, makes them explode when in contact with their skin.” She returned her attention to the creatures. “All right, question time! Why are the Slitheen here? Revenge, I’m guessing?”

“We have a long memory, Doctor!” snarled the creature that impersonated the Octarian Ambassador.

“Slitheen? That’s the name of their race?” asked John.

“Name of our race?!” scoffed another of the creatures.

“No, no, they’re criminal Raxacoricofallapatorians from the planet of Raxacoricofallapatorius,” corrected the Doctor. “Slitheen isn’t their species.”

“Precisely!” said the phony Octarian Ambassador. “Slitheen is our surname! Tafrasa Dav-thon Thackarin-Day Slitheen, at your service!”

“…Tafrasa? Didn’t you send me a death threat?” asked the Doctor.

“I see you’ve gotten my message, Doctor!” snarled Tafrasa. “I was a little boy when I heard about what you did to the Passameer-Day Slitheen!”

“What did she do?” asked Amy.

“…Erm, excuse me, your device will do what, Doctor?” asked another Slitheen. “Accelerate the ink’s decay?”

“That’s right,” confirmed the Doctor.

“Could you explain the science behind that?” The Doctor floundered at that. “…A bluff from prey!”

“Well, let’s end this hunt…with a slaughter!” cackled Tafrasa. He and his compatriots clicked their claws together in anticipation.

“If you can see,” said the Doctor. She switched on the device and bright light flashed the Slitheen. As the Slitheen tried to get their eyesight back, Octavio pressed a button and blast-doors shut in front of them while also sealing the windows. “…Thanks,” said the Doctor.

“My pleasure…and my desperation,” admitted Octavio. “They can’t get at us, but WE can’t get at them.”

“You mean we’re trapped here?!” yelped Kaori.

“That gives us SOME time to make a plan,” said Amy. “…And some explanations. Doctor, why are the Slitheen angry at you?”

“Well, I WAS involved in the destruction of the Passameer-Day branch of the family,” replied the Doctor. “March, 2006, the Passameer-Day Slitheen had infiltrated the British Government, sending a signal advertising nuclear fuel. The idea was to get humans to panic and fire their nuclear weapons at a supposed threat up in space. But it was a made up threat. The humans fire their missiles, they start a nuclear holocaust, and the Slitheen would have sold the chunks off as raw fuel. But one of my friends got ahold of a missile and fired it at the main government building for the United Kingdom, 10 Downing Street. It destroyed the Passameer-Day branch with one survivor, but I received a death threat from Tafrasa, a young man at the time.”

“He’s trying to avenge his heroes?” asked John.

“Mafia types have a warped sense of heroism,” remarked Amy.

“I suppose the question is how do we deal with our Slitheen problem?” asked Kaori.

“…If we can contact the human colonies…” mused the Doctor.

“Human colonies?” asked Octavio.

“The humans that were born here are the only ones that died in the floods,” said the Doctor, “but there are other colonies out there.”

“And you want those mammals to come here?!”

“It’s our best shot.”

“Doctor, what if the humans want to stay on Earth?” asked Amy.

“Then we make sure they negotiate with the new natives of Earth,” replied the Doctor. “The third Golden Age of Earth starts in just a few months!”

“Oof! My eyes!” complained a Slitheen woman as she rubbed her eyes. “How did she find the time?!”

“It doesn’t matter, Cousin!” replied Tafrasa as his sideways eyelids blinked rapidly. “The Doctor’s options are still limited as long as she stays in there! Now, we must cut off communications with any human colonies! It’s time to avenge the Passameer-Day Slitheen! Brother!”

“Yes, Tafrasa!” replied a male Slitheen.

“Are your friends in position?” asked Tafrasa.

“They’re ready, but must we go for a video broadcast? Surely audio is sufficient.”

“You’re just saying that because you don’t want to wear that suit!”

“It’s tight in all the wrong places!” protested Tafrasa’s brother.

“You’re the one that chose the cheap compression technology!” scoffed the female Slitheen.

“Now, see here-!”

“ENOUGH!” bellowed Tafrasa, ending the argument. “The people of this planet love spectacle as much as humans do. A video broadcast is the only chance we have to prove to them how dire the threat to their world is! Now quit arguing and suit up!”

In a city plaza by a tower with a giant long fish wrapped around it, various people were doing their own thing. The people had black eye masks, but these were no bandits. They had pointed ears and what looked like two club tentacles with the males tying them back and the females just letting them hang loose. These were the humanoid descendants of squids, the Inklings. Right now, a female Inkling with orange tentacles and headphones was bobbing her head to the beat of a song by a music group, the Squid Squad. As she listened, she then heard a strange noise. …That wasn’t part of the song. It sounded like a wheezing, groaning noise, followed by a thud. She stopped her music and headed off to the alley where a shady individual used to sit at. She blinked when she saw a blue box. “What in the name of the Great Zapfish?” she muttered.

“Hey! Kaori!” called a voice. She looked behind her to see a male Inkling with goggles on his forehead and blue tentacles. “Hey, girl! What’s going on?” asked the male.

“John, did you set this up?” asked the Inkling girl, Kaori. The Inkling boy, John, looked at the blue box.

“…Nope, that ain’t mine,” he said. “It says ‘Police Public Call Box’. Maybe it’s a new police thing?” At that moment, the door was opened from the inside and out stepped…

“AMY?!” yelped Kaori. There she was, Amy Rose from Mobius!

“Kaori! John!” greeted Amy. She hugged the two Inklings, then looked inside the box, the TARDIS. “Doctor, come on out!” she said. At that moment, the Doctor stepped out.

“So the telepathic circuits worked?” she asked.

“They sure did!” confirmed Amy. “Kaori, John, meet the Doctor from the planet of Gallifrey!”

“An alien?!” yelped John.

“Yep! That’s me! I come in peace!” confirmed the Doctor. “And you two are…?”

“I’m Kaori, this is John,” introduced Kaori. “Welcome to Inkopolis!”

“Interesting,” mused the Doctor. “This is 12,000 years after the great flood of 4756.”

“…I…I suppose,” said John.

“She’s a time traveler,” explained Amy.

“I see…anyways!” Kaori changed tactics. “What are you doing here, Amy? The Smash Tournament isn’t for a while.”

“I just wanted to visit friends,” replied Amy. “We just came from far into the future after Earth gets roasted by the sun.”

“Still 5 billion years away,” assured the Doctor. “Let’s just say we’re looking for a place to relax.”

“Ooh! Maybe there’s a turf war going on!” said Kaori.

“Turf war?” asked the Doctor.

“The Inklings can fire their ink through special firearms,” explained Amy. “The idea of turf wars is to cover more surface area than your opponents. It’s a four-on-four game.”

“I got it!” called John after he looked up the newest matches. “There’s gonna be a turf war at Urchin Underpass with both teams from Splatsville in a few minutes!”

“Let’s go see!” replied Kaori.

“Come on, Doctor! It’ll be fun to watch!” urged Amy.

“…All right, might as well get stuck in,” mused the Doctor.

“All right!” cheered John. “This way!” He led everyone to a train station.

The train took them to the viewing gallery at Urchin Underpass. The Doctor and her group took their seats and awaited the teams’ arrival. Four cubes appeared in the air on each side of the stage. “The cleanup must be abysmal under there,” muttered the Doctor.

“Not really,” replied Kaori. “Our ink evaporates pretty quickly after it’s left alone for a while.”

“Really?” The Doctor had to figure that out somehow. Just then, squids and octopuses appeared on the cubes, one team in purple, the other team in green. The squids then turned into Inklings and the octopuses turned into life-forms similar to the Inklings! “So squids aren’t the only ones who gained a humanoid form?” asked the Doctor.

“Nope,” replied John. “A couple of years ago, we had Octolings join us. They’re the better half of the Octarians, our ancient enemies in the Great Turf War. Any time you see an Octoling in a turf war, they’ve abandoned their king, Octavio.”

“Three! Two! One! GO!” shouted the announcer. The two teams launched off their cubes and fired at the ground. An Octoling girl on the Purple Team aimed what looked like a sniper rifle at an Inkling boy with a giant roller paintbrush and fired! The Inkling burst into purple ink and what looked like a sad, cartoony squid flew up into the sky.

“Sh-She just-!” spluttered the Doctor.

“Look over there, Ma’am,” directed John. The cartoony squid then entered one of the cubes and the Inkling boy came back, looking a bit miffed.

“…H…How?!” asked the Doctor.

“I dunno, those things just bring us back,” replied Kaori. “I’m not a scientist.”

“Even then, it’s not perfect,” remarked John. “They can’t prevent ALL deaths, just turf war related ones.” It was then the song changed.

“Oh boy! Now or Never!” said Kaori.

“That’s the Squid Sisters version, isn’t it?” mused John. “Come on, Green! Come on, Green!” A countdown then appeared on the big screen. At the end of the countdown, a whistle blasted. Out stepped two cats! One was clearly an adult, the other was a kitten!

“Are…are those…the judges?” asked the Doctor. She notice that their black and white fur pattern made them look like they were wearing black suspenders and bowties.

“Judd and his clone, Li’l Judd,” explained Kaori. The two cats were walking upright and were dancing just a bit as meters below them filled with the teams’ colors, green for Judd and purple for Li’l Judd. Li’l Judd then pulled out a purple flag as the purple team’s meter had 52.6% turf covered. The way Li’l Judd pulled the flag out seemed to knock Judd flat onto his stomach. The Green Team wailed at their loss with an Inkling girl stamping her feet like a little kid while the Purple team were dancing in victory with an Inkling girl on the team hugging her gatling gun like it was a toy.

“So that’s a typical turf war?” asked the Doctor once they all returned to Inkopolis Plaza.

“Yep! The next stages should be announced soon,” said John. “Now if the Squid Sisters would-!”

“Oh, here we go!” complained Kaori. “You were like that when Off the Hook took over stage announcements!”

“Come on! You can’t beat the classic Squid Sisters!”

“Erm, who ARE the Squid Sisters?” asked the Doctor.

“They’re a pair of pop idols,” explained Kaori. “Cousins from Calamari County. Their names are Callie and Marie. On top of music, they’d host Inkopolis News right here in Inkopolis Plaza to announce the stages for turf wars and other related activities. They were then succeeded by Pearl and Marina, the rapper and DJ group known as Off the Hook, they’d host Inkopolis News over in Inkopolis Square. These days, a trio of idols known as Shiver, Frye, and Big Man, are doing the news from Splatsville. Their group is called Deep Cut and their news broadcast is called Anarchy Splatcast.”

“Interesting,” mused the Doctor.

“…Doctor,” said Amy, “something’s making the fur on the back of-!” She was interrupted as a giant tentacle wrapped around her, pinning her arms to the side and gagging her mouth.

“WHAT IN-?!” yelped the Doctor. She then saw that the tentacle had feet…and a face with inflated lips and eyes with green sclera and purple corneas! “Oi! Let her down!”

“Not a chance!” replied the tentacle. “My king has need of her!” It then dove into a sewer grate!

“That was an Octarian!” said John. “They haven’t attacked Inkopolis in a long time!”

“Come on, John!” said Kaori. “You too, Doctor!”

“Naturally! That’s my friend he kidnapped!” The Doctor and the two Inklings followed the Octarian.

The group ended up in a valley with all sorts of kettles littering the place. “…Octo Valley,” said John. “What a dump. A force of Octavio loyalists still live here, even after his defeat by the New Squidbeak Splatoon.”

“…Splatoon?” asked the Doctor. Her answers were cut short as someone laughed overhead. Everyone looked up to see a spherical machine with fists and a mix table flying down. Amy was still bound by an Octarian in the machine, and piloting the mechanical beast was a giant octopus with a green X scar and a kabuto style helmet.

“GYAH HA HA HA HA!” laughed the octopus. “Tried to party without me, huh?! A bit of a reunion with Smash Brothers and a spectator?!”

“DJ Octavio!” snarled Kaori.

“So that’s the Octarian Leader?” mused the Doctor. “Mr. Octavio, sir-!”

“You will address me as DJ or Your Majesty!” snarled Octavio. “Unless you want your brain remixed!” Amy shouted something, but the tentacle still wrapped around her mouth muffled her.

“Quit squirming! You can’t even bite me!” snapped the Octarian restraining her.

“Sir, that’s MY companion you have as your hostage,” continued the Doctor. “I urge you to release her at once.”

“Fat chance, Ape Girl!”

“Steady on there!” protested the Doctor. That was when Octarians restrained her as well as Kaori and John. Octavio took the time to brag.

“On behalf of the Octarian Nation, I welcome you distinguished guests to Octo Valley! GYAH HA HA HA HA!”