Another dark day, another dark deed in the country of Darkland. The Koopas continued their drills as if it were any other day. However, after their master had returned from his recent adventure, they went through a period of non-aggression against the Mushroom Kingdom. They were feeling a little…speculative about their master. As they offered multiple theories, their master, the king of Darkland himself, Bowser Koopa, slept. At least, he slept until the alarm clock rang its annoying chime. Bowser punched it off the nightstand and grumbled as he turned in bed. He then sat up and got out of bed, getting a shell out of the closet and climbing into it. He then did his stretches and retreated into his shell and popped out multiple times. After that, he just stood in the middle of the room, groaning to himself. He then stomped to the dining hall and sat at his usual place while his son, Junior, sat next to him. “Morning, Papa!” he called. Bowser just grunted. “Er…Papa?”
“Morning, Junior,” rumbled Bowser.
“Didn’t you sleep at all last night?”
“I slept fine, kiddo, just waking up a little slow today.” Breakfast was served and they ate.
“You know, Papa, me and the Koopalings are almost done with our project! You should see it this afternoon.”
“Yeah, sure, I’ll just come to the lab when it’s done.”
“…Papa, this isn’t about what happened at Lake Lapcat, is it?”
“Nah, it ain’t that. Your old man’s just got a lot on his mind, that’s all.”
“Well, I’m sure you’ll get it all settled! You’re just that awesome, Papa.” Bowser smirked at his son’s enthusiasm.
“Thanks, Junior.” They finished breakfast and Bowser headed to the throne room. Kamek was standing next to the throne as Bowser sat down.
“Your Surliness,” he began, “our first order of the day is that the Cult of Bowser has come to offer tribute! They’re waiting outside the throne room right now!”
“Show them in,” ordered Bowser. The “cult” left a lot to be desired in terms of appearance…and hygiene. Bowser and Kamek developed a twitch.
“Oh, Great Bowser Koopa, Lord of Darkland,” praised the cult leader, “you have allowed us to live under your watchful gaze and for that, we are forever grateful!” The smell ran rampant inside Bowser’s nose. “We offer you a special tribute in…!”
“STOP!” roared Bowser. “Just…just look at what you’re doing! You’re getting your filth all over the floor! Haven’t you guys ever heard of showers?!” The cult leader was taken aback, as if the concept of cleanliness was foreign to him. “I just had the throne room cleaned last night! Out! OUT! GET OOOOUUUT!” The cult quickly left, taking their smell with them. The cleaning staff immediately got to work.
“You didn’t even see their tribute,” observed Kamek, “not that getting rid of them wasn’t a wise decision.”
“Whatever it was, it was probably made of dung anyways,” rumbled Bowser.
“…Fair point, Master.”
After hearing the cases of the day, Bowser headed to the Koopalings’ lab and found them and his son standing by a machine. “Bowser, we did it!” cheered Ludwig Von Koopa. “May I introduce the most epic version of Princess Kidnapping Machinery to date!” The cover came off of a giant Mecha shaped like Mario. “Programmed with all of Mario’s skills, it will finally flatten that plumber as we take Peach!”
“And I care because?” asked Bowser. Junior and the Koopalings goggled at the Koopa King.
“…B-because it would finally give you what you want?” urged Junior. “You know? Having Mama Peach as your queen and ending Mario’s game permanently?”
“Oh, that was the OLD Bowser. This is a NEW Bowser, and he doesn’t really care about a mustachioed, fat, pasta-loving plumber or his hot, royal, pink-wearing, blonde girlfriend. It’s hilarious, really. Look, I tell you kids what, you want to kidnap Peach and destroy Mario? Go ahead. Who cares? I certainly don’t. Not one bit at all.” Bowser left the lab, leaving the Koopalings very confused.
“…Papa,” sighed Junior in sympathy.
Bowser made his way in the office of a psychiatrist, the famous Dr. F. Roid, an old Koopa with glasses and a beard. “So, Lord Bowser,” began Dr. Roid as Bowser laid down on the couch, “tell me what’s been bothering you.”
“Well, you see, it’s like this, Doc,” answered Bowser, “it’s been about 35 years since I first met my nemesis.”
“It’s been that long, My Lord?”
“Yeah. You see; that’s the actual problem. Once he began stopping me frequently, I thought that he’d get older and then Mario…”
“We don’t say his name here. This is a safe place.”
“R-right. Sorry, Doctor. Well, I just assumed, after all those power-ups over the years, he would get a permanent game over! …But he hasn’t even aged, I mean, like, at ALL! He and his green brother just keep jumping around as if they were kids, it looks like he’s going to get between me and Peach FOREVER! I…I just don’t know if I can handle that!”
“Yes, it seems his arrival in this world has affected his natural aging process. It’s quite the conundrum.”
“Yeah, exactly! …What’s a…connonumdum?”
“Conundrum, it’s a fancy word for a highly difficult problem.”
“Thanks, Doc. I just wish there were someone to help me get rid of my problem.” Someone then pounded on Dr. Roid’s door.
“Your Depressedness!” called Kamek. “You have a visitor demanding an audience!”
“Go away!” replied Bowser. “Didn’t you get the memo?! I’m busy with therapy right now! Leave us alone!”
“But, Master, it’s Ganondorf and…!”
“Ganondorf?! What’s he doing here?!” Bowser then stormed out of the office.
“WAIT! WE’RE NOT FINISHED YET!” wailed Dr. Roid.
“Send me the bill!” replied Bowser as he made his way to the throne room. He found Ganondorf Dragmire sitting lazily on the throne. “HEY! THAT’S MY THRONE!”
“And I was hoping for something along the lines of ‘Welcome back, Ganondorf, old friend.’,” snarked Ganondorf.
“We’re NOT friends, especially after the Subspace incident!”
“You wound me, Koopa. In any event, this isn’t a social call. I’ve been in contact with someone who may…help us.”
“If it’s Tabuu again, you work with him yourself!”
“No! No, no, no, it’s someone from your world. I believe he once attacked Sarasaland.”
“What, the runt, Tatanga? What does he want?”
“He’s found something about…Elemental Princesses that hold ultimate power to conquer the universe as we know it.” Bowser’s eyes went wide as the temptation became clear.
“…You have my attention!” An evil grin then appeared on the Koopa King’s face, a grin he had not experienced in some time!