“…A brand new spell?!” you asked. “H-How?! All you did was talk about it!”
“I don’t know! This is my first time seeing it too!” yelped Dalboz. You then got an idea.
“Hang on!” you said as you dashed into Dalboz’s bedroom and faced the time tunnel. You then held up the lantern Dalboz was stuck in. “All right! Yas-!” The lantern then flashed. “HEY!” you protested as you shielded your eyes. Your vision came back soon and you fixed Dalboz with a look. “Come on, Don’t you want-?!”
“Not me!” insisted Dalboz. “You’re the adventurer, I’m the lamp! I do the side kick thing, make a few wisecracks, standard stuff. Whatever goes through there goes without me!”
“Well, where is our friend gonna find another spirit?” asked Grif. …You then looked at the Totem Grif was inhabiting. “…What are you looking at me for?!” You then picked up the totem and held it in front of you.
“Now Yastard isn’t permanent,” Dalboz warned. “You’ll be pulled back through the Time Tunnel and back into the Totem once you’ve done something to help us. Just do a little recon over there.”
“You dare…uh…order the Great Dragon of…of the Empire…as if he were a mere lizard!” Grif was trying to be commanding, but like with the Inquisition Guard, it wasn’t very effective.
“Just tell us where you are and see if you can send anything to help us,” you said. “See you soon! Yastard!”
“Yastard!” replied the choir. The Totem tumbled through the Time Tunnel and broke apart. Then all you saw was the familiar swirling vortex.
Grif groaned as he picked himself up. “…I’m starting to hate adventurers.” He then saw a white house in front of him! The house had boarded up doors and windows. “Hey! That’s the White House, isn’t it?!” he said to himself. “Wow! Before it was condemned.” He then tried to pull the boards off the door. …Somehow, he couldn’t. “Sorry, pal,” he said to you far off into the future. “I can fly, I can complain, I can breathe fire…okay, maybe I can’t breathe fire, but I sure as Hades can’t pull these boards off either!” He checked around the house and saw a spell scroll for Glorf. “That might be useful,” he said. “But how to get it to the adventurer?” He took the scroll and checked around, then saw a mailbox with an envelope in it. “…Okay, ordinarily, with all due respect, I’m afraid that my hyper neurotic tendencies sort of mandate a strict adherence to state and federal law. …But, seeing as I don’t have much choice…” He pulled the envelope out of the box…and saw that it was empty. The address it was supposed to go to was 666 Hades Proper and that, according to them, you CAN take it with you. “Huh…well, things DO tend to stay there for a while,” he muttered. He put the spell into the envelope and sealed it, then put the envelope into the box. He then felt a pull and was about to go when… “Oops! I almost forgot!” He put the flag up and then let himself get pulled back to the future.
Grif ended up back in the Totem with you and Dalboz waking up. “How did it go?” you asked.
“Well, we’re gonna have to go to Hades to get the Glorf spell,” replied Grif. “I found it by the Historic White House before it was condemned.”
“The White House?” you asked. “That’s where the Skull of Yoruk was last seen! Maybe the Grues are still there with it! Did you go in it?”
“Wasn’t strong enough to unboard the door,” answered Grif. “We might need someone stronger.”
“Well, if we’re going to get that Glorf scroll,” decided Dalboz, “we need to go to Hades.”
“Lovely,” you muttered, not wanting to, but not seeing any choice. You used the teleportation station, selected Hades, then removed the map and returned to Hades. You saw a rotary telephone on a stalagmite near a dock. Dalboz then made a ringtone noise.
“It’s a direct line to the Commissioner!” he joked. You then picked up the phone. A voice then came over the line.
“Thank you for calling the Hades Shuttle Service Courtesy Phone,” it said. “Since the dawn of time, your choice for crossing over into the afterlife. “To skip a message at any time, press 4. This service has recently undergone a retrofitting to ensure full ease of abuse, customer dissatisfaction, and user-unfriendliness while inefficiently bringing you, the recently deceased, to your final destination. Before crossing, you’ll need to answer a few simple questions using the touch tone pad. Press 1 for the list of questions. To press 3, please press 7. To hear these options again, call back and listen to them again. To press 4, hit the pound key. To return to the main menu, you’re already there. Press 8 to press 1. To wait on hold, stay on the line. To press 6, press 2. For a list of numbers, count to 10. To press 7, press 5. To hear the answers, press 6. To press 0, press the star key. To hear these options backwards, press 9. To press the star key, press 0. Press 3 if you really want to. For all other inquiries, please blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.”
“Okay, no!” you said aloud. “Kendall!”
“Kendall!” replied the choir. The phone lady came back with simpler instructions.
“Press the star key for ‘What IS all this?! I just want to call the damn shuttle! Is that so much to ask?!’”
“Star key, huh?” you said. You pressed the Star Key.
“You have correctly answered all the questions!” cheered the phone lady. “Congratulations! A shuttle will be along shortly to transport you to Hades where you will languidly spend the rest of eternity! Have a hell of a day!” You hung up just as a skeleton rowing a boat to the dock arrived!
“Charon,” explained Dalboz. “The oarsman of the River Styx. Phew! I don’t know how he manages to generate a stink, but he most certainly does!”
“If that’s Charon, then I need to pay him,” you said as you pulled out a Zorkmid. He then took his little hat off and writing appeared on the top.
“Flat rate: 2 Zorkmids,” it said. “Credit: 1 Zorkmid.”
“Oh, yeah. One for each eye,” you recalled. You gave him another Zorkmid and Charon let you board the shuttle. You were rowed to the other bank and got off.
“Your sword’s blowing glue!” yelped Grif.
“…Huh?” you asked.
“Let me try,” said Dalboz. “Your sword’s glowing blue!” You checked your sword to see that it WAS glowing blue! You looked ahead to see a two headed monster blocking your path to something. You then saw a PO box with 666 on it. “666, very cute,” said Dalboz. You took the letter out of the box.
“Hey! That’s the one I mailed!” cheered Grif.
“Well, we have a letter opener,” you said. You took out the letter opener and used it on the envelope, taking out the Glorf scroll. Glorf then Gnustoed itself into the Deep magic section of your spell book.
“Brilliant! Absolutely brilliant!” cheered Dalboz.
“…That door seems important somehow,” you muttered. “I wonder…crap. Needs a timecard. Better find it.” You then saw where the timecards were kept…right behind the two headed monster. Its necks were different thicknesses, one thick and one thin. “Erm, excuse me, sir, um, gentlemen…” you began.
“Let’s cut the crap, ok?” asked the head on the thick neck. “You got this far, you know the drill! You’re the adventurer, I’m your basic-!”
“WE’RE your basic two-headed guardian of Hades type creature,” interrupted the head on the thin neck. “You’re looking for treasure, mana, crystals, red pages, blue pages, whatever.”
“It’s all the same, really,” said the head on the thick neck.
“The point is,” continued the head on the thin neck, “you wanna get by.”
“They always do.”
“And WE gotta kill ya!”
“We always do!”
“There’s a little banter, a little slaying, chop-chop-chop, yadda-yadda-yadda, and then I gotta string your entrails all over the place and make a big mess!”
“Do us both a favor; BEAT IT! That is, before we change our minds.”
“But I need to-!” you protested.
“Haven’t you heard a word we said?!” snapped the head on the thick neck.
“That Charon guy,” continued the head on the thin neck, “will row just about ANY moron across the river!” All right, that was IT!
“You know what, I think violence will solve this!” you decided as you drew your sword and swung it! …For such a BIG two headed monster, it was surprisingly agile as it backed up quickly. You then realized that with size, speed, and most likely strength on its side, it would be a very one-sided affair and it would NOT end in your favor. “Um, listen, fellas-!” you said as you put your sword away.
“Don’t even start with us, Sparky!” hissed the head on the thin neck as the whole beast returned to its post. You then decided to check the spell book…and saw the Snavig spell!
“Snavig!” you called.
“Snavig!” replied the choir and…oh WOW! Seeing things from two heads was trippy.
“Huh, now you look like us,” remarked the head on the thick neck, “which is an improvement, but you’re still not getting by!” You stumbled around a bit, waiting for it to wear off. It finally did and you approached Charon.
“Snavig!” you called again.
“Snavig!” repeated the choir. …So this is what it felt like being nothing but bones. …Kinda cold.
“You’ve transmogrified into his clone!” called Dalboz. “Like you figured out, if you’re gonna do something, do it fast! You won’t stay like this for very long!” Before you left, Charon took his hat off and revealed new text on the top.
“I am not impressed,” it said. You quickly headed back to the two-headed monster who apparently didn’t notice that you changed into Charon.
“Taking your lunch break early, huh?” asked the head on the thick neck. “Don’t forget to punch out.” The whole beast stepped aside, humming to itself. You took Charon’s timecard and punched out. The gates of Hades then opened just as Snavig wore off! You stepped through the gates…and found a closed Time Tunnel!
“All right! That’s two! Maybe we can find the third soon!” you cheered.
“Helloooo!” called a deep voice. You looked around and…there was another Totem! “Brog like rocks!” said the spirit from the Totem. “Mmm, rocks! Brog thinking about rocks! Brog thinking about rocks and how nice they are! Nice for his tummy!” You scooped up the Totem and added it to your collection.
“Hi,” greeted Dalboz. “My name’s Dalboz, I’m the one in the lantern. The dragon in the Totem is Grif.”
“Hello!” greeted Grif.
“The person who’s carrying us around,” continued Dalboz, “hasn’t given us a name, so I just use AFGNCAAP. I find it fits he, she, or it pretty well.”
“They, not it,” you corrected.
“Brog am Brog,” said the new Totem.
“Uh huh. I never would have figured that out,” muttered Dalboz as you, he, and Grif reached the reasonable conclusion that Brog wasn’t all that bright. “So, how did you end up in that Totem, big guy?” You then got a clear picture of Brog’s memories…and recognized the surroundings! He somehow crawled up from the floor of the Steppinthrax Monastery where the Inquisition was based!
“Nice cave,” said Brog during that time. “Cave good place to hide.” Brog wandered through the place…and arrived at the entrance to the Totemizer! He seemed intrigued by the flashing buttons on the control panel. “Hello, buttons!” said Brog. He pressed one and the lights went from red to green. “Ooh! Green is pretty!” The Totemizer then whirred to life and opened its door! Brog stepped forward! “Brog find nice hiding place! No bad things will happen to him noooOOOOOAAAAAAAHHH!” The memory ended with a first-person view of Brog being Totemized!
“Bad guys squish Brog in thing!” mumbled Brog in the present day. “Brog thing now! Brog sitting here long time, being thing and thinking about rocks! RRRRRocks!”