“Man, what a YEAR!” I griped as I recalled 2020. COVID-19, civil unrest, the election, it was quite a year. So much so, it made me forget what I held dear. Sometimes I wonder how I managed to hold on for so long. A mechanical spider bumped against my foot as I thought. I looked down at the spider and arched an eyebrow. “Something on your mind, Anansi?”
“Just making sure you were okay,” replied the spider, the African Story Keeper, Anansi. He then shifted into a more flesh-and-blood form of an elder man in traditional Ghana dress with six arms. “This year has been rough on everyone, even me.”
“How so?” I asked. “You can’t possibly be affected by COVID-19.”
“Even gods and their kin can get sick.”
“So, you couldn’t go overseas to see your wife and kids.”
“Nope, and it tore me apart.”
“That just seems un…” My sentence was stopped by music. “…The heck?”
“It’s coming from your closet,” muttered Anansi. We entered the closet and shuffled through my clothes and came out of another door instead of running into the back wall. It opened to a room with a large bookcase. We went closer to it.
“…Music’s louder here,” I reported. We then got the same idea and felt around for some sort of trigger.
“…Dammit, my eyesight’s going bad!” grumbled Anansi. “Hey, pass me that candle, would you?” He pointed to a candle flickering on the wall. I grabbed it…and the bookcase wall rotated, taking Anansi with it! It soon became a bare wall. “…Put! The candle! Back!” I did so and the wall made a complete circle. “…All right! I have it figured out now! Take the candle out and…”
“I see where this is going! I’ve watched Young Frankenstein enough times!” I argued. “You’re gonna have a cracked exoskeleton if you do that!”
“Trust me!” I rolled my eyes at his insistence. I took the candle out and Anansi blocked the bookcase with his body. I then set the candle down on a table and shoved against the other side of the bookcase, making it rotate and freeing Anansi. I then dusted my hands and smirked before I realized what just happened.
“…Put! The candle! Back!” I called. The bookcase then rotated before Anansi webbed it and halted its progress. We then looked through the opening to see a passageway. “Well, well, well, what have we here?” I mused.
“The music’s coming from down there,” remarked Anansi. “Come on!” We went down the passageway and came to an open door to a music room. A band was playing something similar to Dare from the 80’s Transformers movie.
Sitting in a basement and always writing,
And he’s got no real friends,
You wonder how he keeps going! (going)
Think of all the things that really matter,
And the chances he’s missed!
His visible paunch is growing! (growing)
Can’t even fly if he tried, sitting on his behind!
Heaven only knows what’s on his mind!
Dare, dares to believe he’s got a life!
He buries his head in the sand!
Dare, dares to think he’s got any strife!
He never even stands,
He doesn’t even want to dare!
He keeps on typing at his keyboard,
In his dwelling underground.
Seems like it’s been forever! (ever), oh!
Apply the right kind of needed pressure,
Then he lose his last round!
Looks like it’s now or never! (never)
He never wants to ever come out into the light,
He always thinks his silly words are right!
Dare, dares to believe he’s got a life!
He buries his head in the sand!
Dare, dares to think he’s got any strife!
He never even stands,
He doesn’t even want to dare!
Dare, dares to believe he’s got a life!
He buries his head in the sand!
Dare, dares to think he’s got any strife!
He barely has any form of command, oh!
Dare, dares to keep all his rambles alive!
Dares to be lazy as he can be!
Dare, there is a place where he survives,
He thinks it gives him victory!
Dare, dare!
As the song played, I noticed the band members were people I knew! The lead singer was my evil double from a universe where I conquered Earth, the guitarist was Megumi Hishikawa in her blue dress, the drummer was the holo-form of Megatron from my Transformers/Sonic the Hedgehog crossover, and the keyboardist was my dad, Green Dalek! “…Is he for real?!” asked Anansi as we watched.
“I’m gonna get an explanation from all of them,” I muttered. The song ended and Evil Me saw me. “You’re actually serious about this?” I asked as I pointed in the general direction of the band.
“Behold, my weaker self! My Future Villain Band!” cheered Evil Me.
“Oh, for the love of…!” I groaned. “It’s been about almost two years since our first meeting and you’re just as derivative as I thought!”
“Derivative?! What do you mean derivative?!”
“‘Future Villain Band’? One, you’re a villain from my past! Two, Megumi and Dad aren’t villains! Three, the only reason I get the reference at all is because I watched Linkara review a comic adaptation of Sergeant Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band! Couldn’t you have called it the ‘Author Parody Band’ or something?!”
“Ooh, there’s an idea!” mused Megatron.
“Megatron, what are YOU doing here?!” I demanded.
“I’m a villain in my story!”
“Yeah, but you haven’t even faced me! And…you play drums?”
“I DO have other interests outside of barking orders, berating the Decepticons for their failures, and beating on Eggman twice a week.”
“Megumi,” called Anansi, “what ARE you doing here anyways?!”
“I got bored after winning my 3V2R,” explained Megumi. “I figured this parody song would be okay since I’m not gonna have my contract with the Author renewed for a while.”
“I…guess it’s okay,” I muttered. I then turned to Green Dalek. “Dad, what’s the idea?!”
“To be fair, you DO have a tendency to be lazy,” replied Green Dalek. “In any case, it doesn’t matter. Your Evil Twin needed to do some introspection anyway.”
“Now JUST a minute!” protested Evil Me.
“And how are you even here at all, Evil Me?!” I called. “You were banished back to your universe when Vegeta took you back!”
“He didn’t destroy the technology I used to make my first trip!” answered Evil Me.
“So, you couldn’t let go of the beatdown Anansi and I gave you?”
“No, of course not! I won’t let myself feel defeat again!”
“And THIS is your big revenge scheme?! You form a band and play a parody song about how I’m so lazy?!
“I also kidnapped Anansi’s family.” Evil Me pointed to a group of people lashed to chairs. They were like Anansi’s human form in that they were in traditional Ghana dress and had six arms. The group consisted of one plump elderly woman and seven young men.
“Hello, Anansi,” greeted the woman.
“Aso, you and our boys are spider deities like me!” protested Anansi. “How did you get roped up?!”
“We DO have other interests outside of putting up with your antics, Dad,” remarked Toto Abuo, the Stone Thrower.
“This day refuses to make sense,” I grumbled.
“Your sanity is hanging by a thread, loser!” taunted Evil Me. “All it takes is one little push!”
“Can’t argue that,” I conceded.
“Think about it! All that time writing, all that time sitting in your basement, hoping your words will change someone’s mind on a certain topic and the world just ignores you! Face it, your quest to change someone’s mind will NEVER be over! This is why DeviantArt Eclipse was your downfall! You’ll be forever building up your fanbase and what will happen when your sites take a turn like Eclipse?! You will have to start all over again! You are a loser and a failure who will never be as popular as Peter Cullen!”
“That’s enough!” snarled Green Dalek as he stood up. “You can’t call him a failure, you pale imitation!”
“…Pale imitation?!” hissed Evil Me.
“You’re right,” I mused. “There’s a risk that people will just scoff at my writing and I’m probably not going to be as popular as Peter Cullen…but, a failure? A loser?” I then laughed. “You couldn’t be more wrong.”
“He’s right,” affirmed Anansi. “Now, my former ‘Master’, what say we get on with it?” He turned into his more mechanical self, then formed a belt strap and fastened himself to my waist. I then pulled out the gimmick I needed, the Base Elementrigger. “What’s the word?!” called Anansi as I put the thing near my mouth.
“HENSHIN!” I announced. The Elementrigger then split into two and I inserted them under Anansi’s legs. Anansi then leapt away from the belt and wove a cocoon around me while I made a spider impression with my hands. I then swung my arms outwards and broke the cocoon while Anansi returned to my belt. My suit had already formed by then and I became Kamen Rider Weaver once again. Green Dalek then pulled out a belt that he won in a 3V2R. He fastened it and it spoke.
“FANDOM SHIELDRIVER!” He made a pained expression as it was kind of loud. After his ears recovered, he pulled out the gimmick (a shield-shaped device with the Autobot and Decepticon logos on each side) and pressed a button on top.
“TRANSFORM!” it announced. He then set it into the belt and struck a pose.
“Henshin!” he called. He pressed a button on the right side of the buckle and the device opened up, revealing a mural of the Transformers fighting, with Optimus and Megatron at the forefront.
“THE TRANSFORMERS!” called the belt. A bit of the first G1 opening then played. “Autobots wage their battle to destroy the evil forces of the Decepticons!” His armor then flew out of the device and formed onto him, evoking Optimus Prime and gaining a shield-shaped shoulder pad on his left shoulder. His weapon appeared, a giant shield with a blaster near the wrist. The shield was shaped like the Autobot symbol. Megatron rolled his eyes.
“Kamen Rider Prime?” he asked. Green Dalek simply turned to my evil twin and pointed at him.
“All the world’s a stage,” he proclaimed, “but I’M editing this script! Kamen Rider Daiku!” His name literally translates to ‘carpenter’, but it DOES work as ‘editor’. I followed suit.
“Kamen Rider Weaver, I shall be the author of your defeat!”
“Hey, wait for me!” called Megumi. “I haven’t had a good Henshin sequence in a long time!” She inserted her i.d. tag into her Vortex Driver “Henshin!” She spun the wheel, and a giant version of the wheel then surrounded her feet and opened parts of itself to attach her armor while the belt strap changed her clothes into the undersuit. The armor then completed itself and she struck her pose. “Kamen Rider Royal! Evil shall ultimately bow to me!” Megatron then shrugged and extended his concealed blade from beneath his fusion cannon.
“I am Megatron! Peace through tyranny!”
“…We’ll work on that,” I muttered.
“No, we won’t.” Megatron was then slugged in the chest. My double had long shifted into his tarantula-monster form.
“If we’re all done talking,” he hissed, “why don’t we proceed with the fight?” I swung a punch, but he caught in and managed to burn my hand! I pulled back and held my hand in pain. Daiku then slammed his fist onto our enemy’s back, only to get the same result as me. Evil me then started shooting fireballs. We all took cover and fired our ranged weapons.
“Well, I guess it’s that time!” Daiku then pulled out a new device and pressed the button on top.
“ELEMENTAL MASTER!” it called. He then replaced the device in his belt with the new one and opened it.
“AVATAR: THE LAST AIRBENDER/LEGEND OF KORRA!” called the Fandom ShielDriver. His armor then took on the appearance of Aang. Like the Avatar, he used a variety of elements to aid him in the fight. Megatron continued firing that BFG of his and Megumi pulled out an i.d. tag, swapped hers out with it, and spun the wheel.
“Uncle Iroh Steel!” it called. She then gained armor based off of Iroh and attacked. I felt left out.
“Excuse me!” called the youngest of Anansi’s boys, Intikuma. “I got something that might help you!” He handed me four sets of Elementriggers.
“Thank you!” I bid. I then took out my base Elementriggers and pressed a button on my new orange set.
“What’s the word?!” asked Anansi.
“Burn!” I replied. I then put them in.
“Burning Justice! Weaver: Fire Form!” announced Anansi. My armor then gained a fiery appearance. I struck my double and, this time, he was the only one feeling pain. “Wait, that doesn’t make sense,” muttered Anansi. “You’re using fire like him and yet, YOU’RE causing him damage.”
“I guess like repels like,” I theorized.
“That only works on…you know what, I won’t question it.”
“Use the blaster!” called Intikuma. I took his suggestion and turned the dial on Anansi’s rear to the desired weapon.
“MMOBORO BLASTER!” The gun appeared in my hand, and I fired. My evil twin doubled over in pain.
“NOT AGAIN! GAGH! IT’S WORSE THAN LAST TIME!” Daiku then swapped out his current armor for his usual one and Royal began her power-up sequence.
“DAI SUPER CHARGE!” she called. The old armor turned gold and white, then bulked up before exploding off of her to reveal new armor with tiger stripes. Now, she was Kamen Rider Vortex. She spun the wheel again.
“Final Attack!” announced her belt. Daiku then closed and opened the mural.
“FINISHING EDIT!” called his belt. I then pressed the triggers on the Elementriggers.
“FINAL STRIKE!” cheered Anansi. “BURNING SPIDER STRIKE!” We all performed a Rider Kick and struck true. Megatron then gave a parting shot, causing our enemy to explode. He fell to his human state and went unconscious.
“Well, that was fun,” sighed Vortex as she took off her belt and became Megumi Hishikawa once again.
“Intense, you mean,” replied Daiku as he became Green Dalek again. Anansi leapt off my waist and checked on his family. Once everyone was okay, Megumi called a ride home for us.
“Thank you, everyone!” I called as I left with Anansi. We returned to my usual dwelling, and I began writing again.
