Category: Series 4

“Tiki Tong, open your head!” ordered King K. Rool. “It’s time to flatten the Kongs and the other mammals!”

“Yes, Master,” mumbled Tiki Tong as the crown on his head opened. The Kremlings then threw the bananas they gathered into him until he was full to the brim.

“Now, close your head! Regain your full power!” directed King K. Rool. Tiki Tong spun, then his commanders floated to him, grouping into two groups, one of three, the other of four. Tiki Tong then stopped spinning and spewed golden goop all over his commanders. They then formed into two balls, then the goop evaporated to reveal two floating hands! “Now, DESTROY DONKEY KONG AND HIS MEDDLESOME MORONIC MATES!” shouted King K. Rool. Tiki Tong roared and swung his new hands at Donkey Kong. Everyone rolled out of the way. Donkey Kong then saw a button on one of the hands.

“They’re still there!” he said. “Guys, there’s a big button on each hand and one in the middle of his crown! We gotta hit the buttons on his hands twice and the one on his head three times!”

“Seems rather convoluted, but all right!” replied the Doctor.

“I DON’T THINK SO!” shouted King K. Rool as he attacked Donkey Kong with his claws. “I won’t have you spoil this plan, you Feather-brained Fathead! I’ll destroy you, then I’ll set my sights on the Banandium Root!”

“Oh, for the love of-! What for?!” asked Donkey Kong. “You still wanna turn the world into overripe banana mush?!”

“That’s the only meal fit for a king!” retorted King K. Rool.

“Not happening!” snarled Donkey Kong. He and King K. Rool then began their fight.

---

Meanwhile, Diddy Kong dropped Amy onto one of Tiki Tong’s hands, giving her the opening she needed to slam her hammer down onto the button. The hand cracked and Tiki Tong felt that! “ARGH! YOU PINK AND BLACK MENACE!”

“A nice bit of variety,” replied Amy as she jumped off. “Usually I’m called a pink and red menace, among other colorful insults.” Tiki Tong raised his hands, ready to smash them onto her like one does with a fly. Amy leapt out of the way as Diddy Kong fired one of his peanut guns on the button Amy hit. The hand was reduced to splinters and Tiki Tong got madder! He tried slamming his fist on the ground, then his fist got stuck.

“Sheesh! Donkey Kong pulled less of a tantrum when he was a kid!” grumbled Cranky Kong as he whacked his cane against the button. The hand cracked.

“You know, considering how old I am,” snarled Tiki Tong, “I think a young’un like you needs to learn how to respect his elders!”

“Do something to deserve it first,” replied Lurra Rus as she jumped onto Tiki Tong’s hand and pressed the button. The hand exploded and Tiki Tong roared in fury! He started slamming himself onto the floor, chin first! That kind of mess was causing the Kremlings to be tossed around and making King K. Rool miss!

“STOP RAGING, YOU BLITHERING-!” Donkey Kong saw his chance! He slammed his fist right into King K. Rool’s head, sending him spinning and making him land on the button in the middle of Tiki Tong’s crown. Tiki Tong roared again and started spewing fireballs!

“Two more times, then I can really get started!” said the Doctor as she fiddled with the sonic screwdriver.

“Doctor, please tell me you’re being clever!” called Amy as she dodged a few fireballs.

“Trust me, I am!” replied the Doctor. She continued working on the screwdriver as Tiki Tong hovered over her. She saw the shadow and looked up. “Sweet Sash of Rassilon!” she yelped as she rolled out of the way just in time! Tiki Tong slammed the ground, then Diddy Kong picked up Cranky Kong and the two flew up into the air before Diddy Kong cut the power to his jetpack. The two Kongs fell onto the button on Tiki Tong’s head, then leapt off. Tiki Tong roared again and floated menacingly over the Kongs.

“Bah! Toothless and useless, that sad doltish piece of driftwood!” scoffed King K. Rool. He then swung a punch at Donkey Kong. Donkey Kong grabbed the Kremling King’s fist and jumped into the air, then threw King K. Rool onto the button so hard, it pressed and Tiki Tong roared as he exploded. The force of the explosion almost blew the Doctor out of the totem! Amy and Diddy Kong helped the Doctor back up as the Doctor finished with setting the sonic screwdriver. She then pointed it upwards and pressed the button while putting a hand on her head. She then concentrated as the sonic screwdriver played the Tiki Tak Tribe’s hypnosis music! As the Tiki Tak Commanders and Tiki Tong rebuilt themselves, their eyes swirled and they fell to the floor, asleep.

“There we go!” cheered the Doctor. “I’ve used their own music against them. They’ll be sleeping until they realize that what they did was wrong. Meanwhile, the Totem Tower will sink into the volcano and the Tiki Tak Tribe will never bother anyone again!”

“…So how do WE get out?!” asked Lurra Rus. The Doctor blinked…then realized she forgot the escape part of her plan!

“Oh dear!” she gulped. Donkey Kong then grabbed her and Amy!

“Cranky! Diddy! Get Lurra Rus!” called Donkey Kong.

“COME BACK HERE, YOU BRAINLESS BARBARIAN!” shouted King K. Rool. Donkey Kong threw Amy onto his back, then punched King K. Rool so hard, he sailed out of the tower and beyond the island’s shores. The Kongs then took their visitors and leapt out of the tower as it sank into the lava!

---

The Doctor and her friends landed at the base of the volcano and looked up to see the top of the totem tower sink below the volcano’s rim. The totem finally disappeared into the lava. The group watched for a bit, then looked around. Donkey Kong grinned, then pounded his chest and howled a victory howl. “And that, as they say, is that!” said the Doctor.

“What about King K. Rool?” asked Lurra Rus.

“Ah, that crazy croc’ll be licking his wounds now that his plan failed,” replied Cranky Kong.

“In the meantime, the bananas are safe again!” cheered Donkey Kong.

“It always comes down to bananas with you, doesn’t it?” grumbled Cranky Kong.

---

The gang returned to the TARDIS and the Doctor unlocked the door. “Well, this HAS been fun,” she said, “but we must dash.”

“Hey, before you go!” called Donkey Kong. He then brought three bunches of bananas to the TARDIS crew. “From my own stash!”

“Oh, thank you, Donkey Kong!” replied Amy. She hugged the big gorilla. Once she finished, Amy entered the TARDIS first with her bunch. “You two are in for a treat! I say this with no exaggeration that these bananas are the best in the universe!”

“Such ardor!” replied Lurra Rus as she and the Doctor followed Amy into the TARDIS. The doors shut and the TARDIS made its usual take-off noise as its lamp flashed and it vanished from sight while kicking up stray leaves.

“…Strange woman, that one,” remarked Cranky Kong. His stomach then growled. “Dang it, now I could use some bananas!”

“I thought you’d say that!” chuckled Donkey Kong. He pulled out three more bunches. “And I brought your chair and blanket.”

“Ah, so you’re FINALLY taking care of your elders, huh?” chuckled Cranky Kong as he was helped to his rocking chair. He spread the blanket over his legs and pulled a banana from his bunch. He then peeled his banana. Donkey and Diddy Kong did the same, then Donkey and Cranky saw how Diddy opened his.

“…What are you doing?” asked Donkey Kong.

“…I’m…peeling my banana,” replied a confused Diddy Kong.

“No, why did you open it like our less…talky cousins?” pressed Donkey Kong.

“Why does it matter how I open it?” asked Diddy Kong. “It tastes the same.”

“That may be, kiddo,” replied Cranky Kong, “but you’re starting with that little black piece!”

“Little black…oh!” realized Diddy Kong. “That’s just what’s left of the flower!”

“You know, given you and Dixie Kong’s frequent dates, I’m not entirely surprised,” remarked Cranky Kong.

“If it bothers you that much,” scoffed Diddy Kong, “how would you like me to eat my banana?”

“Any way but how you’re doing it would probably be okay with us,” replied Donkey Kong.

“Fine then!” Diddy Kong then turned his banana sideways and bit into it! Donkey and Cranky Kong blinked, then Donkey Kong rushed into his hut and picked up a banana-themed rotary phone. He dialed a number.

“Come on, Pauline, pick up!” he urged. The person on the other end picked up. “…Yeah, I know it’s early morning in New Donk City, but I need your help with Diddy! …Look, just send the New Donk National Guard to Kong Island, okay! This is a matter of international security! …I said what I said, Kiddo!”

Donkey Kong swung his massive fists at Amy, but Amy leapt out of the way. “DK, easy!” pleaded Amy. “It’s Amy Rose! You know, Sonic’s biggest fan!”

“Banjo Bottom ordered your destruction!” replied Donkey Kong. “I must obey!”

“But King K. Rool’s pulling the strings!” urged Amy.

“NO MORE LIES!” shouted Donkey Kong as he slammed the ground.

---

Diddy Kong fired on Lurra Rus. His guns fired oversized peanuts that exploded on contact. Lurra Rus managed to dodge. “Of all the times to wear a dress that restricts my running!” she grumbled.

“Stand still and let me shoot you!” insisted Diddy Kong.

“I’d rather not!” Lurra Rus continued dodging.

---

The Doctor had to wonder what kind of fighting style Cranky Kong was using, because he was keeping up with her Venusian Aikido! “You young whippersnapper!” taunted Cranky Kong. “Using a throw-centered fighting style on a primate! How stupid can you get?!”

“I assure you, there’s a method to my madness,” replied the Doctor. “Since I’m losing to you, might as well tell me how that hypnosis works. You know, tell me how your masters are controlling you.”

“The song’s carrying their psychic control into my mind!” answered Cranky Kong. “You can’t undo it without whacking my masters and I’m not gonna let you do that!”

“Well, it seems I have to treat a symptom before attacking the problem itself,” muttered the Doctor. She then pulled out a rod with a switch near the top. The top had a wide light lens and a few buttons on the handle. The handle looked like it had a copper wire curled around it. The Doctor flicked the switch and a strange buzzing noise filled the air. Cranky Kong clapped his hands over his ears, but the buzzing still entered his mind! “Cranky Kong, listen to me!” urged the Doctor. “I’m trying to disrupt the sonic control the Tiki Tak commanders have over your mind! You need to fight their psychic control! Their orders have no substance! No reason!” Cranky Kong strained as the Doctor’s device continued buzzing.

“ERGH! ARGH! G-GET…GET OUT OF MY HEAD!” Cranky Kong shouted, then collapsed. Donkey Kong and Diddy Kong saw Cranky collapse.

“GRANDPA!” shouted Donkey Kong. He was about to land a haymaker on the Doctor, but she used her device to increase the buzzing’s volume. This time, Donkey and Diddy heard it and strained.

“Listen to me!” urged the Doctor. “The Tiki Tak Tribe’s hypnosis is dependent on music activating your brain’s pleasure centers! I’m blocking out the sound, but you must fight their psychic control! They’re weaker than you! Smaller than you! You can fight them! You can win against them!” The two Kongs held their heads, then shouted before collapsing.

---

All three Kongs groaned as they woke up. “Oog…my head!” grumbled Donkey Kong.

“How are you three feeling?” asked the Doctor. Diddy Kong blinked, then realized something.

“…It’s gone,” he said.

“What is?” asked Cranky Kong.

“The music. Can’t you hear it?” asked Diddy Kong. Cranky listened.

“…No, I can’t!” he said.

“Neither can I,” said Donkey Kong.

“Doctor, that device you had,” said Lurra Rus, “it’s some form of sonic device?”

“Did you make some sort of counter-frequency?” asked Amy.

“Yes to both questions,” replied the Doctor. “I built this during the rebuilding of Gallifrey. You know, when I thought the TARDIS was dead and I needed something to take my mind off it. In any event, the counter-frequency will block out the altered Tiki Tak music unless they use a new frequency.”

“Well, we better get to Tiki Tong’s base and teach him a thing or two!” declared Donkey Kong as he punched his hand.

“But King K. Rool’s sure to be there!” replied Diddy Kong. “What if he has the other Kongs under his control?!”

“We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it,” answered the Doctor. “Right now, we have a volcano to climb.” Donkey Kong then spotted something. He then grinned.

“Why climb when we can fly?” he asked. He pointed at a barrel that had a rocket thruster, guidance fins around the bottom, and a small nosecone at the top.

“…What is that?” asked the Doctor, already guessing what it is and what it does.

“A rocket barrel?” quizzed Amy. “DK, we can’t all fit on that!”

“Actually, give me a sec!” replied Diddy Kong. “I can reinforce it and alter it so that we go straight to Tiki Tong’s base!

“Rocket barrels!” scoffed Cranky Kong. “In my day, we had to walk uphill both ways to get around the island!”

“We’re pressed for time, sir,” replied the Doctor. “Come on, Diddy Kong. Let’s get to it.”

---

The rocket barrel was modified, but Diddy Kong looked worried. “I dunno,” he said. “I know I said it could be done, but I wish we conducted some tests first.”

“There’s no time to do this by the book, I’m sorry to say,” replied the Doctor. “Right, all aboard!” Everyone hopped onto the rocket barrel.

“Priming ignition sequence,” said Diddy Kong. “Adjusting trajectory.”

“Sonic ignitor ready,” reported the Doctor. “Adjusting frequency on the Sonic.”

“…I feel like there’s a word missing from Sonic,” remarked Amy. “And I’m not talking about a certain blue hedgehog.”

“Yes, sonic what, Doctor?” asked Lurra Rus.

“It’s just sonic,” replied the Doctor, deliberately avoiding answering.

“Sonic what?” asked Cranky Kong.

“It’s just sonic! I’m all sonic’d up!” insisted the Doctor.

“Sonic what?!” asked Donkey Kong.

“SCREWDRIVER!” snapped the Doctor. That was when the rocket barrel fired and launched its passengers towards the volcano, screaming!

---

The rocket barrel flew into the giant tiki totem’s mouth and its passengers jumped off before it exploded. Inside, it was very dark. “…That…was hair-raising!” shuddered Amy.

“I don’t think I want to do…ANY of that again!” agreed Lurra Rus.

“Ah, you’re babies!” chuckled Donkey Kong.

“…Okay, I admit, you kids knew what you were doing when you made the rocket barrel,” said Cranky Kong. “But there IS one tool I need to complain about! A sonic screwdriver?!”

“I gotta agree with Cranky Kong on this one!” said Amy as she faced the Doctor. “Do you Time Lords just look at a screwdriver and think ‘This could be more sonic’?!”

“What, you’ve never been bored?!” argued the Doctor. “You never had to assemble a bunch of cabinets?! Besides, a sonic screwdriver is more than just a screwdriver! It’s a lockpick, a scanner, a remote control, it’s a Swiss Army Knife, just without the knife bit as knives are seriously uncool.”

“I beg to differ, Doctor!” called King K. Rool’s voice. The lights switched on to reveal King K. Rool and a massive floating tiki head with a crown and red dots for angry eyes.

“There they are!” snarled Donkey Kong. “King K. Rool and Tiki Tong!”

“So, you’re the main leader of the Tiki Tak Tribe?” the Doctor asked Tiki Tong.

“And you’re the Time Lord I heard about!” replied Tiki Tong. “Was that your TARDIS my troops knocked out of the sky?”

“Yes, and I’m rather annoyed at that. First you try to hypnotize me, then you attack my ship as if it were a UFO!”

“Considering how dangerous you are, I’m not too concerned!” dismissed Tiki Tong. “After all, you Time Lords destroyed our original homeworld!”

“I beg your pardon?” asked the Doctor.

“Don’t tell me you’ve never heard of Polymela.” The Doctor’s eyes widened as she recalled the mission. She wasn’t involved, but she DID try to warn the High Council.

“…Sir, the loss of your home is on Time Lord hands, there’s no denying it,” she said, “but enslaving an island won’t bring it back!”

“See, I’m actually FINE with the loss of Polymela,” said Tiki Tong. “Considering that if it were brought back, the Polymela Council would have executed me and my commanders for using our psychic and sonic abilities as we do! Who do you think told the Time Lords that the Daleks were building a weapons factory there?! It was the only way to destroy my rivals!”

“…What?!” By now, the Doctor’s blood boiled! “You…used us…to commit genocide!”

“Fascinating, I’m sure,” dismissed King K. Rool. “However, we have more important matters to attend to!”

“I know we agreed on revenge against the Kongs,” said Tiki Tong, “but silencing the Time Lord so she can’t do anything is more important.”

“My dear Tiki Tong, you speak as though you have a choice! Kremlings!” Various crocs like King K. Rool appeared with instruments modeled after the Tiki Tak Commanders.

“What is this?” scoffed Tiki Tong.

“Just take a listen,” replied King K. Rool. He then banged his belly like a drum to set the beat, then the Kremlings played their instruments, playing the hypnotic melody that the Tiki Tak Commanders make! The Doctor then noticed the helmets and gasped.

“Mind control helmets!” she said. “TIKI TONG, DON’T LISTEN TO-!” It was too late. The faces of the Tiki Tak Commanders and Tiki Tong went blank.

“…Welp, we now know who was gonna backstab who,” remarked Donkey Kong as he got ready to fight.

“Doctor, the music!” yelped Amy as she and Lurra Rus covered their ears.

“I know! It’s the same as what we heard in the TARDIS!” The Doctor was trying to put up mental barriers.

“A fight, is it?” chuckled Krazy Kalimba. “I’m all too happy to oblige!” He amped up his music and caused greater strain to the Doctor.

“There…is no substance…to this melody!” strained the Doctor. “It’s an illusion! …It does not exist!”

“Listen to this melody, human,” replied Krazy Kalimba. “It is all you need to focus on. Let go of the stresses of free will.”

“I…am not…human!” snarled the Doctor.

“Your psychic abilities are impressive,” mused Krazy Kalimba. “I wonder which human taught you to…wait, what is that citadel?”

“My…my old home!” replied the Doctor. She then sent more images of Gallifrey, the Citadel, the TARDIS, all the images related to her heritage right into Krazy Kalimba’s mind.

“No!” insisted the wicked Tiki. “That…that is not true! …They’re dead! …GALLIFREY IS DEAD!”

“Not these days!” interjected Amy. “Lurra Rus and I helped the Doctor bring the Time Lords back!” Krazy Kalimba then screamed before falling to the ground unconscious.

---

Krazy Kalimba groaned as his eyes opened. He tried to rub his eyes…only he felt something restraining his arms. He then realized he was bound to a chair! “WH-WHAT IS THIS?!” he demanded.

“I’m asking the questions here!” replied the Doctor. “Why did Tiki Tong come back?”

“Lord Tiki Tong cannot be beaten by a mere moon being punched onto his base!” retorted Krazy Kalimba.

“From what I’ve heard and from what I’ve studied,” said the Doctor, “that should have been enough to reduce you to splinters.”

“Grill me all you want!” insisted Krazy Kalimba. “My wood is strong!”

“You know,” mused Cranky Kong as he stepped out of the shadows, “I COULD use some kindling.”

“HA! What are you gonna do?” laughed the wicked Tiki. “Scold me until I’m reduced to splinters?”

“No, but DK’s gonna punch you to splinters,” replied Cranky Kong. Donkey Kong cracked his knuckles.

“Still immune to your ugly music,” warned the gorilla.

“Y-YOU SICK LITTLE MONKEY!” yelped Krazy Kalimba, remembering his first meeting with Donkey Kong!

“So, unless you want a painful trip down memory lane,” growled Donkey Kong, “answer our questions! How did the Tiki Tak Tribe come back?!”

“IT WASN’T OUR CHOICE!” cried Krazy Kalimba. “WE WEREN’T READY TO RETURN! WE WERE HOPING TO WAIT UNTIL YOU PASSED AWAY!”

“A premature awakening?” asked the Doctor. “Who woke you up?”

“I dunno! Only Tiki Tong got his name! He never told the rest of us!”

“Did you see who did it?” asked Amy.

“Yeah, some fat croc in a red cape and crown and with a crazy eye!”

“Wait a minute, this guy?” asked Donkey Kong as he pulled out an old Smash Tourney dossier of the person.

“Yeah! That’s the one!” Donkey Kong growled at the confirmation.

“So, King K. Rool’s involved!” he snarled.

“Oh brother,” complained Amy. “That ham?”

“Who’s King K. Rool?” asked the Doctor.

“My arch nemesis,” answered Donkey Kong. “He’s got a hatred for…may-mels…people like us.”

“Mammals,” corrected the Doctor. “And this is just the Silurians and Sea Devils all over again!”

“…The what and the what?”

“Never mind that!” snapped Cranky Kong. He turned his attention to Krazy Kalimba. “Why did you try that hypnotizing trick again?!”

“The Croc promised that he’d upgrade our hypnosis powers so you Kongs can fall under our spell!” replied the imprisoned Tiki. “I don’t understand, though! Banjo Bottom got your smaller friend!”

“WHAT?!” shouted Donkey Kong. He grabbed Krazy Kalimba and brought him up close to the gorilla’s snarling face. “YOU BETTER NOT BE TALKING ABOUT DIDDY KONG!”

“Easy!” yelped Amy. “We still need him alive!”

“Where’s Diddy Kong and this…Banjo Bottom character?” asked the Doctor.

“Do answer quickly,” instructed Cranky Kong. “Diddy Kong’s a good friend of my grandson here.” Donkey Kong tightened his grip just a bit to prove Cranky’s point.

“TH-THE MINES!” yelped Krazy Kalimba. “THEY’RE AT THE MINES IN THE CAVE!”

“You’re coming with us!” snarled Donkey Kong. “If we find out you’re lying-!”

“I GET THE POINT, OKAY!” wailed Krazy Kalimba.

“So, which way?” asked the Doctor.

---

“I have to admit,” muttered the Doctor as she carried Cranky Kong, “I never thought I’d be carrying an elderly gorilla on my back.”

“Ah, quit your complaining, young lady!” replied Cranky. “You need the exercise anyways! You don’t hear Donkey Kong complaining!” He pointed his cane at Donkey Kong as he carried Lurra Rus on his back while Amy had Krazy Kalimba roped to her back.

“Lurra Rus is lighter than you, Sir,” retorted the Doctor. “And you, you’re what, 80? That’s pretty much a child on my home planet. I’m at least 3,000 years your senior!”

“Pull the other one!” scoffed Cranky Kong.

“She’s not lying, Cranky Kong,” replied Amy.

“The Doctor’s people have a tendency to cheat death,” explained Lurra Rus. “Although, that’s because they can rewrite their whole genetic code to become a new person.”

“Wait, you serious?” asked Cranky Kong.

“It’s true!” snapped Krazy Kalimba. “All Time Lords like her are cheaters like that!”

“Like you don’t fear death in some small measure!” scoffed the Doctor.

“And that’s another thing, Time Lords?” asked Cranky Kong. “What, are you guys time cops or something?”

“When the Web of Time is threatened, yes,” replied the Doctor. “But we’re mainly observers. So don’t go asking us to undo any major tragedies in your world, we can’t do that.”

“Fine by me,” remarked Cranky Kong. “That just sounds like too much of a quick fix! And a messy one at that! Let me tell you, a quick fix always results in a mess down the line! All these kids these days-!”

“Oh boy, here we go!” complained Donkey Kong.

“THAT’S MY POINT, YOU YOUNG WHIPPERSNAPPER!” shouted Cranky Kong. “IF YOU KIDS WOULD GET YOUR HEADS OUT OF YOUR BUTTS-!”

“Hold up!” called Amy. “There’s a cave ahead!”

“Aha! There’s our stop!” cheered Donkey Kong. He let Lurra Rus off his back as the Doctor and Amy set Cranky Kong and Krazy Kalimba on the ground.

“Krazy Kalimba, if you please…” purred Amy as she summoned her hammer and held it over Krazy Kalimba.

“…Um, Banjo Bottom!” he called into the cave. “I-I’m here! I got the Kongs!”

“You tried to hypnotize them without my beat, did you?” scoffed a voice from within the cave. Out stomped a fat humanoid crocodile with a huge, bloodshot left eye and a normal right eye. His tummy was golden and he wore a red cape and a crown. Accompanying him was a banjo tiki.

“KING K. ROOL!” roared Donkey Kong.

“And Banjo Bottom, I presume,” said the Doctor.

“WHERE’S DIDDY KONG?!”

“Oh, he’s right here,” replied King K. Rool. “Diddy Kong, come out!” Donkey and Cranky Kong looked behind King K. Rool to see a spider monkey Kong knuckling his way out of a cave. He wore a red baseball hat and a red shirt with a gold star design.

“DIDDY KONG!” called Donkey Kong happily. “Hey, little buddy!”

“Wait,” urged the Doctor. “Remember what Krazy Kalimba here said.”

“…No!” realized Donkey Kong. He looked closer at Diddy Kong’s face and saw that he was in a trance!

“I wasn’t exactly lying!” laughed Krazy Kalimba. “And now we have two more Kongs! Lizard King, the beat!”

“That’s King K. Rool, you stupid pile of splinters!” snarled King K. Rool. He still banged his tummy like it was a drum, setting a beat.

“And away we go!” called Banjo Bottom. He started strumming out the hypnotic melody as Krazy Kalimba joined. Donkey and Cranky Kong’s faces went blank!

“Oh no!” gulped the Doctor.

“They’re not-!” begged Amy.

“I rather think they ARE!” warned the Doctor.

“What are your orders, Masters?” asked Donkey Kong in a monotone.

“Krazy Kalimba, Banjo Bottom, why aren’t THEY hypnotized?” demanded King K. Rool as he pointed at the Doctor and her companions.

“The Time Lord is able to resist the psychic part of our melody,” replied Krazy Kalimba. “She must have passed on that resistance to her companions.”

“Time Lord?!” yelped Banjo Bottom. “You can’t be serious!”

“I’m afraid so,” answered Krazy Kalimba. “I saw images of Gallifrey! Of her previous incarnations! She calls herself the Doctor!”

“THE Doctor?! The Scourge of Skaro?!” Banjo Bottom glared at the Doctor.

“Well, he’s not wrong,” confirmed the Doctor in a roundabout way.

“Then I know exactly what the Kongs need to do!” hissed Banjo Bottom. He turned to the hypnotized Kongs. “Donkey, Diddy, and Cranky Kong, turn the Doctor and her companions into a red paste! DESTROY THEM!”

“As you command, Master Banjo Bottom!” replied the Kongs in monotonous unison. They bared their teeth at the Doctor and her friends, Donkey Kong pounded his chest and howled a gorilla’s challenge howl, Cranky Kong twirled his cane as if it were a bo staff, and Diddy Kong pulled out two wooden guns.

“Oh dear!” gulped the Doctor.

“Impromptu Smash round!” muttered Amy as she readied her hammer.

Far away, off the coast of a continent, sat an island. It was a stereotypical tropical island with a volcano in the center. It was nice, peaceful, and happy. …That is, until the volcano shook and something rose out of it! It looked like the top of a demonic tiki totem! It roared and various tiki-themed instruments appeared. These instruments had eyes! And some of them had mouths! The tiki instruments then met with humanoid crocodiles and discussed their leaders’ plans.

---

Far away from that incident, a London Police box spun through the Time Vortex, its lamp flashing. It was nice and serene for now, as was the inside. Inside the box made no sense as the inside was bigger than the outside. Right now, in a dining room, a pink humanoid hedgehog in a black dress was sitting with a blue Twi’lek woman. The Twi’lek, Lurra Rus, examined a fruit she had never seen before. “Amy, what is this?” she asked the hedgehog, Amy Rose.

“Oh, that?” asked Amy. “That’s a banana. A fruit originally from Earth, then got spread around the galaxy during Earth’s expansionist period.”

“I see. And it’s edible?”

“Oh yeah. You wanna try?”

“Lovely fruits, bananas!” called a third woman’s voice. The speaker then entered the room. This was the owner of the box, the TARDIS. Her name…is the Doctor!

“So you’ve eaten them before?” asked Lurra Rus.

“Oh yes!” replied the Doctor. “Good source of potassium!”

“So, what one does to open is…” Amy trailed off as she saw the Doctor open the banana from the other end instead of the stem! “…Doctor, what are you doing?” she asked.

“…I’m…getting ready to eat my banana,” replied the Doctor.

“No, why did you open your banana that way?”

“Why does it matter? It tastes the same.”

“That may be, but you’re starting off with that little black piece!” The Doctor pondered about what Amy meant about the “little black piece” for a second before she realized what the hedgehog was talking about.

“Amy, that’s just what’s left of the flower,” she said.

“So you swing that way, huh?” asked Amy, with a smirk. The Doctor frowned. Unlike her previous incarnations, she knew what Amy was driving at.

“On that front, I’m pan-poly, stereotypical of a Time Lord,” she said. “And if it bothers you THAT much, how would you prefer I eat my banana?”

“Any way but how you’re doing it right now would probably be all right with me,” replied Amy. Just before Lurra Rus could interject, music drifted into the dining room.

“…That’s not me,” remarked Lurra Rus.

“That didn’t come from the speakers,” replied the Doctor as she started eating her banana. “That came directly into our minds!”

“But we’re in the Time Vortex,” reminded Amy as she ate her banana as humans generally do.

“I’m going to the console room,” said the Doctor.

---

The TARDIS console room was a big room with the doors leading to the outside on one end and a central hexagonal console with a cylinder going up and down in the center. The Doctor dumped the banana peel into a nearby trash can and checked the instruments. “No unusual psychic anomalies,” she said as Amy and Lurra Rus came in, both with banana peels and throwing them into the trash can.

“Maybe the TARDIS is bored of drifting through the vortex?” asked Lurra Rus.

“That may be, but she’s not fully recovered from her experience on Gallifrey,” replied the Doctor. The music then played in their heads again.

“That’s unnerving!” shuddered Amy.

“Aha! Got a fix!” called the Doctor. “…Huh, it’s coming from Nokiko.”

“Nokiko? From the Mushroom Kingdom?” asked Amy.

“No, it seems to be coming from a small tropical island…with a giant tiki growing from the volcano. That must be made of lava-resistant wood!”

“Any location you recognize?” Lurra Rus asked Amy.

“Vaguely,” remarked Amy. “I know about an island, but…not one with a giant tiki totem.”

“Hang on, that totem’s spotted us!” warned the Doctor. On the screen, the totem spat out flying tiki-themed instruments! The fliers then attacked the TARDIS! The Doctor fought for control!

“DOESN’T THE TARDIS HAVE WEAPONS?!” yelped Lurra Rus.

“IT’S NOT A WAR TARDIS!” replied the Doctor. “DON’T WORRY! IT’S VIRTUALLY INDESTRUCTIBLE!”

“I DON’T LIKE THAT YOU SAID ‘VIRTUALLY’, DOCTOR!” called Amy. “IT EITHER IS OR IT ISN’T!”

“DON’T WORRY! I’M MAKING AN EMERGENCY LANDING!” shouted the Doctor.

---

The TARDIS wobbled in the air as the tikis attacked. It then made an arc towards the island, landing right outside a high-rise hut! The hut had the word “Kong” over the door. The hut’s door opened and a brown-furred gorilla with a red tie that has “DK” on it looked around, wondering where the noise came from. He spotted the TARDIS and blinked a bit. He jumped down from his hut and knuckled his way to the TARDIS. He figured it probably wasn’t supposed to be buried into the earth at an angle, so he grabbed it, yanked it out of the hole, then set it upright. He then heard voices inside. Out stumbled the Doctor and her friends, holding their heads. “Good grief!” complained the Doctor. “What a mess!”

“At least the TARDIS is upright,” said Lurra Rus.

“Yes, something must have righted it after we crashed,” said the Doctor.

“Well, we better thank them, whoever or whatever they are,” remarked Amy.

“AMY?!” yelped the gorilla, spooking everyone behind them. Amy then gasped.

“DK!” she cheered as she gave the gorilla a big hug! The gorilla returned the favor.

“It’s been way too long!” laughed the gorilla. “How have you been?!”

“I’ve been better,” replied Amy. “My friends and I got shot down by flying tikis.”

“Flying tikis?” muttered the gorilla. He then looked towards the volcano and gasped when he saw the wicked looking totem. “The Tiki Tak Tribe’s back?! But I punched the moon onto their leader, Tiki Tong!”

“Punched the…?” Lurra Rus looked at the Doctor.

“Hm? Don’t look at me,” said the Doctor. “I’m as clueless as you.”

“Everyone,” interjected Amy, “I’d like you to meet a Smash Tourney friend! Mario’s friendly rival, Donkey Kong!”

“Pleased to meet you two,” greeted the gorilla, Donkey Kong.

“And you, Mr. Kong,” replied the Doctor. “I’m the Doctor and this is Lurra Rus.”

“Hello,” said Lurra Rus.

“Well, Doctor, welcome to Kong Island,” said Donkey Kong. “And it looks like we’ve got a Tiki Tak problem to deal with together.”

“So you’ve met them before?” asked the Doctor.

“Sure did,” confirmed Donkey Kong. “The bananas that grow here have a special energy that people want to tap into, at least according to what Cranky Kong says.”

“So, you DO listen, you hairy galoot!” called a grumpy old man’s voice. An elderly gorilla with a cane, a beard, glasses, and a sweater vest then approached them. “I always knew my lectures were sinking in! Now if you’d just take it more seriously, I wouldn’t lecture so much!”

“Erm, might I ask why-?” asked the Doctor.

“And you didn’t even introduce me to everyone!” continued the old gorilla, whacking his cane on Donkey Kong’s head. “Or tell me we have an old friend visiting!” His expression then softened as he stopped. “Hello, by the way, Miss Rose.”

“Hello, Cranky Kong,” replied Amy. Cranky Kong then resumed beating Donkey Kong over the head with his cane and lecturing.

“And now the Tiki Tak Tribe’s back! How could you miss?! You punched the moon onto Tiki Tong!”

“Erm, Sir!” interjected the Doctor as she grabbed the cane. “I would rather like to be in the loop. The Tiki Tak Tribe attacked my TARDIS and I want to know what we’re dealing with.”

“…All right then, Miss…”

“Oh, I’m the Doctor.” Cranky Kong blinked.

“…I’m sorry, doctor who?” he asked.

“Just the Doctor.”

“…Right. …Well, let’s all chat in my idiot grandson’s house. Maybe we can start getting some answers there.”

---

The Doctor and her crew were then filled in on what the Tiki Tak Tribe was and what their goals were. “So, just to sum up,” said the Doctor, “the Tiki Tak Tribe are an army of living Tikis that use the energy of the local bananas on this island to propagate their numbers and power their forces.”

“The tribe’s seven commanders,” continued Amy, “have the ability to hypnotize people into doing their bidding through their music.”

“But you Kongs somehow can’t be hypnotized,” remarked Lurra Rus. “So the last time you faced the Tiki Tak Tribe, you quite literally punched the moon onto the volcano and squashed that giant totem back into the volcano, then it went back into its proper orbit.”

“…Yeah, that about sums it up,” confirmed Donkey Kong.

“…Doctor, didn’t we hear music?” asked Amy. “In the Time Vortex?”

“Hang on, I have a recording of the-.” The Doctor was interrupted as a red and blue Tiki with a headdress that evoked a Kalimba flew in.

“AHA!” It called.

“Krazy Kalimba!” snarled Donkey Kong as he bared his teeth, something you do not want ANY primate to do!

“Ah! The dratted Kongs!” chuckled Krazy Kalimba darkly as he looked around the hut. “And a human! And a hedgehog! And…whatever you are.”

“Twi’lek,” replied Lurra Rus.

“And I’m not human, thank you!” snapped the Doctor.

“Whatever,” dismissed Krazy Kalimba. “Time to flex my talents!” His eyes alternated between black and white spirals as he played kalimba music!