The TARDIS drifted lazily through the Time Vortex. Amy and Lurra Rus had exhausted all the avenues inside the TARDIS that they could come up with and were making their way to the console room. They found the Doctor sitting on a couch and reading a book. “Ahem!” grunted Amy. The Doctor was too absorbed in her book.
“…Sheesh! Should have known they’d get it wrong about Alpha Centauri so early!” she muttered.
“Doctor!” hissed Lurra Rus.
“300 zarps, my right-hand heart!” scoffed the Doctor, still engrossed in her book. Amy stomped up to the Doctor and tore the book out of her hands! “OI!” protested the Doctor.
“We’ve been drifting in the Time Vortex for almost ten days now!” snapped Amy.
“Well, the old girl still needs to settle into the Vortex,” replied the Doctor. “After having hypnotic music forced into her speakers so soon after her reconstruction, the poor girl needs rest!”
“Doctor, surely we can at least be on the lookout for distress calls!” protested Lurra Rus.
“We ARE,” assured the Doctor. “The TARDIS’ emergency distress signal locators are online. One little beep and we’re on our way to save the day.” Then…a phone rang. “Huh?!” The Doctor looked to the door leading outside.
“…How-?” asked Amy.
“I made it wireless and able to pick up any call,” replied the Doctor. She headed to the box on the door containing the phone, swung the box so she could access the phone, and picked up. “Hello, you’ve reached the Doctor’s TARDIS. Do you have an appointment? …KATE! It’s been too long! …It never IS just a social call with you UNIT types, is it? What do you need? …Doomsville? That’s a thing? …As a matter of fact, I HAVE heard about them. …Uh huh. …Well, if one of their invaders is on Earth, their armada’s not far behind. …All right, I’ll be there shortly. The TARDIS is tracing the call right now. …Right then. Goodbye.” The Doctor hung up.
“Odd version of a distress call,” remarked Lurra Rus.
“It’s a potential distress call,” explained the Doctor. “The daughter of an old friend of mine wants my help in assessing an alien threat in an American city called Doomsville. Evidently, there’s an alien there that’s part of a rather belligerent species. The TARDIS should have…AHA! We have our heading!” The Doctor adjusted the settings so the TARDIS could make its way to the coordinates.
Doomsville, one of the dankest cities in America. And with a population of the stupidest and most emotionally stunted people. Nobody batted an eye when the TARDIS landed. The Doctor opened the door…and instantly regretted it! “URGH!” she gagged. Amy and Lurra Rus coughed once they left the TARDIS.
“Ugh! Doesn’t anyone know about public sanitation?!” gagged Amy.
“Are you sure we aren’t in Hutt Space, Doctor?” asked Lurra Rus. “This smells like the Hutt homeworld!”
“It’s a human city, Ma’am,” replied a voice muffled by a mask. A human woman with a blonde bob haircut arrived.
“Kate!” greeted the Doctor. “Everyone, meet Dr. Kate Stewart, commander-in-chief of UNIT, the United Nations Intelligence Taskforce! I used to work for her father as the scientific advisor during my exile in the 70’s.”
“You still are, Doctor,” remarked Kate. “You still haven’t officially retired. Perhaps we should talk somewhere that isn’t so smelly. We have a base set up nearby.”
“Thank you, Kate, that would be helpful,” said the Doctor. Everyone followed Kate to an abandoned restaurant with UNIT equipment set up. The air was SO much cleaner! Amy and Lurra Rus felt like they could breathe!
“What kind of health and safety record does this whole city have?!” asked Amy.
“Nothing considered good,” replied Kate. “Doctor, I know you’re a busy woman, but with what our witness described, I couldn’t risk it.”
“Believe it or not, I had nothing but free time,” assured the Doctor. “And Amy and Lurra Rus were getting bored anyways.”
“A pleasure to have this kind of distraction,” said Amy.
“What is this alien threat that has you lot concerned?” asked Lurra Rus.
“I think it best that the one that called us,” explained Kate, “should brief you. Lieutenant.”
“Ma’am!” replied a soldier.
“Bring our friend here,” ordered Kate.
“Yes, Ma’am!” confirmed the soldier. He marched off to the back room, then returned with a big-headed boy with glasses and a black coat.
“Doctor, meet the one that called us,” introduced Kate.
“Hello there, young man,” greeted the Doctor. “I’m the Doctor. These are my companions, Amy Rose and Lurra Rus.”
“Nice to meet you,” replied the kid. “I’m Dib Membrane.” The Doctor’s eyes widened.
“Dib Membrane?!” she asked. She then grinned. “I can’t say too much, but you have a great future ahead of you!”
“Really?” asked Dib. “That’s…nice of you to say.”
“Now, what’s this I heard about an Irken threat?” asked the Doctor. “One of their invaders is here?”
“Yeah! But we’ve been fighting for a while and I haven’t seen one Irken ship!” replied Dib. “I mean, aside from this one and another that briefly visited us.”
“Describe this Irken you usually fight.”
“Well, he’s about my height, has green skin, ruby compound eyes, wears a tunic colored like his eyes, and he’s got antennae on his head.”
“A ruby Irken?” mused the Doctor. “Numerically the most common Irken.”
“And this Irken’s REALLY into the whole conquering thing!” supplied Dib. “…Although, apparently his tech’s outdated, at least from what I saw.”
“An Irken Invader? With outdated technology? …What does that mean for their SIR unit?”
“A SIR unit, Doctor?” asked Kate.
“Standard-issue Information Retrieval Units,” explained the Doctor. “Robots that assist an Irken Invader in gathering information on a planet’s weaknesses so the Invader can destroy all defenses in time for the Irken Armada to conduct their Organic Sweep.”
“That implies…well, extermination,” remarked Amy.
“As it should. They’re quite Dalek-like in that regard.”
“But why give an Invader outdated technology?” asked Lurra Rus.
“A good question,” remarked the Doctor. “I think I’ll need to inspect their base of operations. Dib, do you happen to know where the Irken lives?”
“Yeah, and it’s just ‘normal’ enough to fool everyone else in Doomsville,” replied Dib.
“Right then! Lead the way! Oh, but first! Kate, could my companions and I borrow masks?”
“Of course, Doctor,” answered Kate.
“Come on!” protested Dib. “It’s not that bad!”
“Easy for you to say!” remarked Lurra Rus. “You live here!”
“I think all the fumes swelled your head,” said Amy. “That must be why it’s so big!”
“MY HEAD’S NOT BIG!” protested Dib.
Once they were masked, the Doctor and her friends followed a grumbling Dib, still sore about his head size. They made their way to a cul-de-sac with apartment buildings. “There it is!” called Dib as he pointed out the one house. It was a tall, green house with a purple roof and door (which appears to have come from a men’s bathroom). It had a satellite dish on one side of the roof, and the front yard was covered in lawn ornaments, including a flamingo, two puffer fish, a flag that said, “I heart Earth”, and four large robotic Lawn Gnomes flanking the main path to the door.
“…Erm…” The Doctor was struggling to find a word for the whole ensemble. “I know humans tend to just walk past the strange and unusual, but surely that set off alarm bells.”
“City Council never ordered it removed,” replied Dib.
“Do the gnomes do anything?” asked Amy.
“Well, they CAN shoot lasers from their eyes, but people can slip quietly in.”
“Hm, I wonder.” The Doctor pulled out her sonic screwdriver and switched it on. She then approached the house, but the gnomes didn’t fire on her. “Excellent!” She looked back. “It’s safe!” she called. “The gnomes think we’re Irken Inspectors, personally checking on our friend’s progress!” Her friends and Dib joined her as they approached the front door. The door opened and two robots that looked like cartoony depictions of parents of a Nuclear Family appeared.
“Welcome home, Son!” they said as they twitched and sparked, indicating their faulty status. The group entered the house and were greeted by darkness.
“…Did the Invader forget to pay their electric bill?” joked the Doctor. “In all seriousness, shouldn’t their SIR unit be here?”
“HALT, INTRUDERS!” came a robotic voice. The group turned to see glowing red eyes. They then heard a whine of weapons being primed.
“GIR, cut that out!” snapped Dib.
“…OKAY!” The eyes turned blue and the weapons powered down.
“That’s his SIR unit, GIR,” explained Dib. “He’s not that big of a threat.”
“…GIR?” asked the Doctor. She looked at GIR’s eyes. “What does the ‘G’ stand for?”
“I don’t know,” replied GIR. He then shrieked happily as he drummed on his head. The Doctor and her friends blinked.
“…You think the ‘G’ stands for ‘garbage’?” Lurra Rus asked Amy.
“I wouldn’t be surprised,” replied Amy.
“GIR, I’ve got some cola for you if you can switch the lights on,” Dib offered GIR.
“Poop cola?!” asked GIR.
“Right here,” replied Dib as he pulled out a bottle of soda.
“OKAY!” GIR turned the lights on, then accepted the drink and walked off to do other things.
“There we go!” said the Doctor. “Now let’s-WHOA!” Her exclamation made everyone look at what she caught sight of, and they made similar exclamations! There, on the couch of the base’s living room was an 800-pound mound of green flesh with a barely visible head. The head had ruby compound eyes, antennae, and an open mouth with drool and foodstuff remains dripping out of it!