“So we’ve got robots to deal with?” asked Donkey Kong.
“Not robots, cyborgs,” corrected the Doctor.
“What’s that Hammer Bro doing?!” yelped Amy. The Hammer Bro threw his hammer…but it bounced off the Cyberman that was his target.
“Eradicate them,” ordered the Cyber Leader. The Cybermen pulled out their guns and fired! The Koopas and Kremlings took cover and fired back. The battle prevented the Doctor and her group from helping.
“Dang it, that’s too much!” complained Donkey Kong.
“At this rate, they might as well be using bows and arrows!” muttered the Doctor. Then…it happened. As a Cyberman advanced on them, a hammer struck it in the chest unit. The chest unit sparked and exploded, then the Cyberman screamed before collapsing.
“…But…but how?!” yelped Amy, the first attempt from a Hammer Bro still fresh in her mind.
“A Cyberman killed by a hammer?! That’s absurd!” remarked the Doctor. Her eyes then widened as she got an idea. “…Unless…” she turned the corpse over and pulled out the hammer. It was a golden one. A smile crossed the Doctor’s face. “Of course! These are later-model Cyber Neomorphs! Far more primitive than the ones we met in Earth’s 30th century!”
“What’s that mean?” asked Amy.
“The line we met,” explained the Doctor, “was the result of our universe’s Cybermen and Cybermen from another universe coming together and upgrading one another to make more advanced models. These Cybermen are from before that time, so they haven’t kept up to date on current models! The union of those two Cybermen lines removed a glaring weakness from the Cybermen of our universe, a weakness that these Cybermen still have!”
“What’s that?” asked Donkey Kong.
“Gold!” replied the Doctor. “Because of how non-corrosive it is, if you introduce gold into the breathing apparatus on the chest units, the Cybermen suffocate and either just collapse or, with these models, the chest units explode to fatal effect.”
Unbeknownst to the Doctor, a Kremling heard her explanation. “…Gold, huh?” he muttered. He then pulled out a slingshot and a gold coin. A nearby Koopa saw that.
“This is no time for games!” he protested. “We’re wasting our 1-Ups!”
“Trust me!” replied the Kremling as he loaded his slingshot. He then pulled back, aimed at a Cyberman, then fired! The gold coin sailed through the air and hit the Cyberman in the chest unit! The chest unit sparked, then the Cyberman screamed and collapsed.
“What the-?!” spluttered the Koopa.
“Gold’s their weakness!” called the Kremling. “Fire anything gold at their chests!” The tide turned…briefly.
“Leader, the enemy is using gold projectiles,” warned the Cyber Deputy.
“Engage Serpent abilities,” ordered the Cyber Leader. The Cyber Deputy transmitted the order to all Cyber forces, then the Cybermen took the combined Koopa/Kremling army by surprise! Their legs turned into serpent tails and coiled like springs! They then jumped out of the way. The Cybermen’s eyes then glowed and the Koopas and Kremlings slowed down!
“DK, did you-?!” spluttered Pauline.
“That’s the Snake Bananza!” replied Donkey Kong. “Those guys learned the Snake Bananza!”
“Knockoffs is what they are!” hissed Pauline.
“Darn right! Hop on!” directed Donkey Kong. Pauline then got onto DK’s back and held tight. Donkey Kong then charged into the fray!
“DONKEY KONG, GET BACK HERE!” protested the Doctor. Donkey Kong then pounded his chest as if to set a beat!
“SNAAAAAAAKE!” shouted Pauline. Donkey Kong hooted, then posed as Pauline sang. No one could recognize the language…and everyone stared as Donkey Kong blinked.
“…Erm, Kiddo,” said Donkey Kong. Pauline’s singing faltered.
“…You should be scaly right now,” remarked Pauline.
“That is the gorilla that had mastered all five Bananzas, Leader,” remarked a Cyberman as it turned its tail back into legs.
“Given that it is accompanied by a human female,” replied the Cyber Leader, “logic dictates that both are needed to learn the Kong Bananza. Take them. Engage Zebra abilities.”
“Uh oh!” gulped Donkey Kong.
“QUICK! IN THERE!” called the Doctor as she waved to the TARDIS.
“We can’t-!” protested Donkey Kong.
“Don’t argue, DK!” insisted Pauline. “Get in there! Hurry!” Donkey Kong then knuckled towards the TARDIS at top speed while the Cybermen were trying to intercept him. They had circled in front of him, but Donkey Kong knocked them aside and entered the TARDIS. The Doctor shut the doors behind him once everyone was inside. She then dashed towards the console and took off. Donkey Kong goggled in surprise.
“It’s…It’s…bigger on the inside!” he gasped.
“That’s right, you never went inside on Kong Island, did you?” recalled the Doctor.
“You’ve redecorated,” said Mario. “…I like it!”
“Wh-what is-?!” spluttered Donkey Kong.
“It’s the TARDIS,” replied the Doctor. “Anywhere…and anywhen! …But right now, we have bigger problems. Namely, how the Cybermen got those powers.”
“They must have taken the Underground Elders somehow,” said Pauline.
“Underground Elders?” asked Amy.
“I can’t say as I’ve heard of them,” remarked Mario.
“They’re the leaders of five different underground animal tribes,” explained Donkey Kong. “There’s the Snakes, the Elephants, the Ostriches, the Zebras, and a whole tribe of Kongs. They live in different layers of the Underground World and can make their own sunlight.”
“When I was a little girl,” continued Pauline, “I was kidnapped by the president of the once biggest mining company, Void Co. His name was Void Kong and he was obsessed with finding something called the Great Banandium Root at the Planet Core to wish for infinite gold and he didn’t care how many lives he ruined.”
“King K. Rool had tried a similar plan earlier and was trapped by the Banandium Root, but we accidentally released him and he hijacked Void Kong’s plan,” Donkey Kong went on. “But the whole journey resulted in Pauline returning here via the Banandium Root.”
“So the core of this planet isn’t made of molten earth,” remarked the Doctor. “Very interesting. What IS it made of if people can survive in it? …Discussion for another time. Right now, I need to know, what are these Bananzas the Cybermen mentioned?”
“Short term transformations for DK that are usually activated by my singing,” said Pauline. “…But something went wrong. I’m pretty sure I sang the lyrics to the Snake Bananza song right.”
“Maybe the Cybermen are blocking your access to them,” remarked the Doctor. “Counter-frequency, perhaps? Questions, questions.”
“Doctor, maybe we should check on the Elders,” suggested Donkey Kong.
“…If the Cybermen captured them…” mused the Doctor as a look of worry crossed her face.
“Doctor, the Cybermen said they needed Donkey Kong and Pauline to learn the Kong Bananza,” recalled Lurra Rus.
“Then maybe the Kong Elder can help us!” said Pauline.
“Where is the Kong Elder?” asked the Doctor.
“In the Lagoon Layer,” replied Donkey Kong. “Sublayers…100 to 102. He’s specifically at Sublayer 101.”
“Right,” declared the Doctor. “Off we go!” She set the coordinates and the TARDIS took off.
The Cybermen forced the Koopa/Kremling army into a retreat as the TARDIS dematerialized. “Prediction of the Doctor’s movements,” ordered the Cyber Leader.
“She has most likely been briefed on Bananzas,” replied the Cyber Deputy. “She will attempt to reach the Kong Elder.”
“We must reach the Lagoon Layer,” declared the Cyber Leader. “We must learn the Kong Bananza and use the Banandium Root for the survival of the Cyber-race of this time. The Doctor must not interfere. Return to the Cyber Driller and set course for Sublayer 101.”
“Yes, Leader,” obliged the Cyber Deputy.
“I shall begin transmission of our progress,” said a Cyberman as they all entered the Cyber Driller.
“No,” replied the Cyber Leader. “We will run the risk of transmitting incomplete data if you do. Maintain communications silence with any Cyber Factions until we have learned all the Bananzas and obtained the Banandium Root.”
The Lagoon Layer, a peaceful, water-filled area with yellow grass, green and blue primates, and scrap metal used to make structures, inhabited by blue and green furred primates that fish for scrap, quite literally. The TARDIS arrived and the local Salvager Monkeys backed up from the sudden blue box that just appeared. The Doctor led everyone out and the Salvager Monkeys’ faces lit up when they saw Donkey Kong and Pauline. “DK! PAULINE!” said the lead Salvager Monkey. “Welcome back! It’s been way too long! …Those guys, on the other hand!”
“What about us?” asked Peach.
“DK and Pauline are welcome, outsiders like you-!”
“Your xenophobia is misplaced, sir,” replied the Doctor.
“These guys are with us,” explained Donkey Kong.
“We need to speak to the Kong Elder,” said Pauline. “Creatures called Cybermen are after him and the secrets of the Kong Bananza!”
“Oh for-! He’s already harassed by that lizard king and that turtle with the spiky shell!” grumbled the lead Salvager Monkey. “He doesn’t need these Cyber whatsits!” Mario and Donkey Kong could make a pretty good guess at who the aforementioned Lizard King and Spiky-shelled Turtle were.
“We can prevent his secrets from being stolen,” offered Pauline. “Is he still at the Elder’s Court?”
“Naturally,” replied the lead Salvager Monkey.
“Then that’s where we’re going!” declared Donkey Kong. “All of us! This way!” Donkey Kong led everyone down to a container ship that had run aground years ago with a bridge connecting it to the landmass they were on. They crossed the bridge to find a massive gorilla with red headphones, a headdress made of bananas, banana bracelets, and a banana beard arguing with King K. Rool and Bowser!
“And this situation has become more complicated,” sighed the Doctor.