The Doctor’s mind raced with ideas, but no concrete plans. John was about to say something, but Amy stopped him. “Better let her plan,” she advised.
“…Why would they wait this long?” muttered the Doctor.
“Pardon?” asked Amy.
“Even accounting for my usual life-style, the Slitheen could have picked any time I visited in the 21st century, so why here and now?”
“Maybe their ancestors tried?” guessed Amy. “And maybe they really wanted it to hurt somehow?”
“But how?” muttered the Doctor.
“…Maybe they’re gonna try again with the old Slitheen plan?” asked Kaori.
“…You know, I think you have something there,” said the Doctor. “There ARE still nuclear weapons on this planet, yes?”
“Yes, but we never got to touch them,” replied John.
“We never really bothered,” explained Octavio. “They’re nothing more than a suicide pill. The one thing us Octarians and you slimy hipsters agree on.”
“Octavio, is there a way we can monitor communications here?” asked the Doctor.
“Yeah, but we can’t exactly contact the outside world or any other part of this particular dome while the lockdown’s in effect for this room.”
“Let me worry about that. Show me.” With that, Octavio showed the Doctor a communications console. The Doctor started combing through the channels until she stumbled across Tafrasa speaking.
“-of Inkadia, heed my words,” he said. “The mammals that once dominated this planet have spread to colonies beyond our world. They have intercepted our Golden Disk and are making their way back to Earth…but not with peaceful intentions.”
“What? Already?” asked the Doctor.
“Our scientists have searched the solar system,” continued Tafrasa, “and they have found…massive weapons of destruction, capable of being deployed within 45 seconds!”
“That can’t be right!” muttered Kaori.
“It’s not right,” replied the Doctor.
“And, regretfully, they are capable of taking over our leaders’ minds!” Tafrasa went on. “Imagine my horror when I discovered that they enslaved our beloved DJ Octavio! Our scientists can baffle the mammal probes…but not for long. We’re facing…extinction. Inklings, Octarians, Jellyfish, all of us…unless we strike first! According to what I read from scientists from all walks of life, Splatsville lies directly beneath the belly of the mammal mothership! I beg the powers of Inkadia; pass an emergency resolution! Give us the access codes!”
“No, he wouldn’t!” realized John.
“A nuclear strike at the heart of the beast,” Tafrasa confirmed, “is our ONLY chance of survival! Because, from this moment on, it is my solemn duty to inform you…Planet Earth is at war with its ancestral rulers, the human race!”
“He’s lying,” said the Doctor. “The humans don’t go to war against you lot. Spoilers, but the dominant races, both old and new, make peace with one another.”
“So why would the Slitheen want to make up a threat?” asked John.
“And why throw me under the bus?!” demanded Octavio.
“And how will all that get at you?” asked Kaori.
“Reverse order,” replied the Doctor. “I put a lot of work into this planet, the Slitheen don’t need Octavio anymore, and it’s all part of their spectacle.”
“Do you think the powers of Inkadia will believe Tafrasa?” asked Amy.
“Why not?” asked the Doctor. “Inklings and Octarians are just like humans and Mobians in that regard. That’s what the Slitheen want, the whole world in a panic! You get scared, you lash out, the codes for the nuclear arsenal the humans left behind are released, and the Slitheen go nuclear!” The Doctor worked on the console.
“But why?” asked Octavio. “And what are you doing?”
“I’m getting into contact with Tafrasa,” replied the Doctor.
“But I just told you-!”
“And you’re right,” assured the Doctor. “But you didn’t have me around. I’m asking the computers running the communications systems very nicely to let me speak with him. AHA!”
“You got it?!” asked Amy.
“I got it!” replied the Doctor. “What’s his comms code, Octavio?”
“Well, if he was stupid enough to keep it, 4-7-8-4-2.” The Doctor keyed in the code.
“Aha! He IS stupid enough to keep it!” she cheered. She then spoke into the mic. “I will speak to Tafrasa Dav-Thon Thackarin-Day Slitheen under Jurisdiction 2 of the Shadow Proclamation!” Someone then picked up.
“I’m here, Doctor!” snarled Tafrasa’s voice.
“So, tell me, Tafrasa, since when did the Slitheen fall to senility? I mean, your external skin’s getting pretty hard, that’s a sign of advanced age for a Raxacoricofallapatorian.”
“I assure you, it’s more than just a repeat of what the Passameer-Day Slitheen attempted!” replied Tafrasa. “And since your precious humans are going to die in the process, I’ll overlook the comments about my age!”
“So you get the codes, convince the Inklings and Octarians that there’s an invading fleet of humans, they retaliate, but the missiles don’t strike any ships, they strike other countries.”
“And the radioactive shockwave would destroy the recolonization fleet on approach while we wait out the disaster in our own ship and claim salvage! A real pity that the humans would be exposed to the vacuum and cold of space!”
“But you’d destroy our planet!” protested Kaori. “You’d destroy something beautiful-!”
“Earth was never beautiful and never will be!” snapped Tafrasa. “Tigers, green plants, canyons in the sea, Inklings! It’s all ugly! Better to reduce the planet to molten slag and sell it off piece by radioactive piece! We’ve already sent the advert out, Doctor! The sale of the millennium! Enough raw fuel for every cut-price starliner and budget hauler! Surely you’re aware of the Galactic Depression, Doctor.”
“A depression that the Slitheen started! This is part of that Operation: Homeward Bound I heard about! You tank the galactic economy, Raxacoricofallapatorius becomes the poorest planet, they can’t fund their law enforcement, so you swoop in and take over the government! This is a venture to raise capital!”
“Precisely!” confirmed Tafrasa.
“At the cost of 5 billion people!”
“A bargain!” At that, the Doctor drew in a breath.
“…I give you a choice, Tafrasa Dav-Thon Thackarin-Day Slitheen,” she warned, “stop this plan, leave Earth peacefully, or I’ll stop you.” Tafrasa laughed at her.
“What, you?!” he said. “Trapped in your box?!”
“I beat the Passameer-Day Slitheen that way,” replied the Doctor.
“Not this time, Doctor! You may have restored communications between rooms but my cousin is skilled at keeping even YOU from contacting the outside world!” Tafrasa then switched off communications.
“Doctor, if he’s right-!” gulped John.
“He’ll be proven wrong,” assured the Doctor. “…But I can’t do this alone.”
“Are you getting Rassilon to help?” asked Amy.
“No, she’s too busy,” replied the Doctor. “No, I need to contact the Galactic Council. It was re-established after the Meep Army beheaded and ate the original council.” Amy blinked at that as the Doctor worked.
“…Th…the Meep…? …You know what, given that Gallifrey and Ragsi…Ruggsa…” The Doctor rolled her eyes. “Give me a minute!” protested Amy. “Ragsa…”
“Raxacoricofallapatorius,” said the Doctor.
“…Raxacorico…”
“Fallapatorius.”
“Raxacoricofallapatorius!” cheered Amy.
“That’s it!” praised the Doctor. “Well done!”
“Are you two listening to each other right now?!” snapped John. “You two think you’re so clever right now!”
“Yeah,” replied the Doctor.
“You sound like Marina Ida before her defection!” snarled Octavio.
“Hey, she only defected after YOU lost hypnotic control over her, just like the other Octolings living with us!” argued Kaori.
“Hypnotic control?” asked the Doctor.
“My spicy wasabi beats keep my soldiers under my control,” explained Octavio. “I needed TOTAL loyalty from my soldiers to protect my people!”
“You brain-washed innocent people!” retorted Amy.
“You also conscripted ten-year-olds!” said Kaori.
“…Octavio, how do you send your hypnotic signal out?” asked the Doctor.
“Put on those goggles and I’ll show you!” replied Octavio as he pointed out a row of red and black visor-style goggles. The Doctor pulled out a pair and examined it.
“…Actually, one might help slightly. …But many…” she took out a lot, then found a toolkit and started taking them apart.
“Hey! That’s Imperial Octarian property!” snarled Octavio.
“It still is,” replied the Doctor, “just being used for a more benign purpose.”
“Doctor, what are you doing?” asked Amy.
“I’m making a psychic communicator,” explained the Doctor. “There are plenty of psychic races in the Galactic Council at this time, so hopefully I can reach them.” At that moment, klaxons blared.
“What in-?!” asked John.
“That’s the intruder alarm!” replied Octavio.
“Turn that off, Octavio!” ordered the Doctor. “I need to concentrate!” Octavio turned off the alarm and goggled.
“…Oh no, not again!” he complained.
“What is it?” asked Kaori.
“It’s that stupid New Squidbeak Splatoon!” grumbled Octavio. “Captain Trey is leading the charge!”
“The New Squidbeak Splatoon?!” asked John. “WHOO! MY HEROES!”
“They’re the ones that beat Octavio in recent times!” explained Kaori.
“No, no, no!” protested the Doctor. “We have to send them away!”
“Doctor?” asked Amy.
“The Slitheen won’t be affected by the Splatoon’s ink!” explained the Doctor. “It will be a massacre!”
“There’s also a chance it could cause confusion for the Slitheen!” said Amy.
“It’s too risky!” countered the Doctor. “Raxacoricofallapatorians are fast, strong, and the females have poison darts in their fingers! The New Squidbeak Splatoon WILL be slaughtered! Kaori, John, you two will have to save them. Octavio, is there a vinegar supply and can the ink tanks be loaded with it?”
“Yes to both, but-!” replied Octavio.
“Then lead them there!” directed the Doctor. “And watch your backs!”