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Chapter 9

Homer was asleep at his post, the nuclear rod in his butt. He tossed and turned. “It’s not selling out!” he yelped. “It’s co-branding! Co-branding!” I’m surprised he slept through the crash. In any case, we picked ourselves up out of the wreckage.

“What do you suppose these infernal contraptions want here?” asked Gandalf as he brushed himself off.

“And why are there rivers of glowing green ooze flowing all around this place?” quizzed Hongo, a little worried.

“I wouldn’t worry,” assured Richard. “This thing gets reactor leaks all the time and the radiation doesn’t bother the residents.”

“They’re probably used to it!” I yelped. “We, on the other hand, aren’t!”

+THIS UNIT WOULD RECOMMEND WEARING YOUR ARMOR IF YOU’RE SO CONCERNED+ suggested my belt.

“Good idea!” I agreed. “But what about Gandalf, Wyldstyle, and Batman?”

“Never mind us,” assured Batman as we said Henshin and put our suits on. “If we don’t go anywhere near anything radioactive, we should be good. Wyldstyle, your scanner.”

“There’s something at the other end of the plant,” reported Wyldstyle, “maybe the Keystone?”

“Let’s check it out,” called Batman. We went across a catwalk to a locked room with a dial that clearly wasn’t set to keep the steam from leaking. Homer had finally woken up and was apparently informed of the steam leaks somehow. The intercom was still on, so we heard what he was saying.

“What do I do?!” he wailed. “What do I do?!” He even had the instructions in his hands! Even then, he just fiddled with random controls! After a few button presses, he looked back at the book. “All right, brain,” he encouraged said organ, “it’s all up to you!” He read aloud, “check core temperature.” I figured that there was no way he’d screw that up. Too much to hope for. He fiddled with more controls and then went to a black button. “I just press this button…” in reality, no, he shouldn’t have. That button made the steam pipes burst, causing the bridge over a vat of nuclear waste to collapse, and eliciting a “D’oh!” from Homer.

“I get the feeling this guy isn’t quite up to speed on nuclear safety,” muttered Wyldstyle. She then saw some parts. “Hey, Swing, Claw, help me out!”

“If you’re sure,” shrugged Claw. They swapped out their i.d tags for the Wyldstyle one. Once Wyldstyle Steel was activated, they started building a claw that was rolled up with a grapple hook. Batman pulled it with the grapple gun, switching it on and sending a Keystone Transmitter near us from the waste.

“That helps,” called Batman. “Shift Keystone, Activate! Cyan, near the wall outside the window! Yellow, inside top level! Magenta, inside bottom level! Shift! Ichigō! Magenta! Shift! Royal! Yellow!” Ichigō and I went to our respective places. The steam from the pipes in my area blocked my progress. Batman told Ichigō to turn the valve in his area. He did so, thus lowering the pressure so the steam won’t block my path. I then signed to Batman asking if I should go and pull the lever at the end of my area. He gave me the thumbs up and so I pulled the lever. It drained away some of the waste so it could reveal the remains of the bridge. “Shift! Ichigō! Cyan! Shift! Royal! Cyan!” We came out through the cyan portal. Thank goodness. We crossed the bridge, with Arch, Lukas, and I carrying Batman, Gandalf, and Wyldstyle, much to Batman’s annoyance, and saw a guy in a green business suit with an extended upper lip, liver spots on top of his head, and a scheming look to his eyes, and named, I believe, Mr. Burns, take down the zero on the billboard that indicated the days without an accident. It went from zero…to…three?! This whole thing isn’t an accident?!

“Um, excuse me?! Hello?! Thank you?!” yelped Touché. She only says that when something that defies logic happens or when someone says something incredibly dumb. Mr. Burns then turned the billboard that indicated the…days without an otherworldly invasion?! Apparently, it was three hundred twenty-three days without such an occurrence before this one. Mr. Burns changed it to zero, sighed while shaking his head, and walked out slowly. Meanwhile, we were running on a conveyor belt with a bunch of barrels coming out and almost squashing us. We managed to get to the other side when we heard Homer speak.

“Vent radioactive gas? N-O,” he said to himself.

“Homer,” I shrieked internally as I saw people in hazmat suits trying to escape, “anata wa bakada!” (you are an idiot!)

“Homer, you genius!” praised Homer to himself.

“Why is this guy in charge of safety?!” asked Wyldstyle. “He couldn’t cross the road!”

“We need to get across to save those people,” I resolved. The main problem with that was that there were massive covered vents in our way. We could easily reach the first vent, but the second and last were too tall for us to reach, well, maybe not Ichigō, but the rest of us aren’t…wait a minute, that’s it! “Wyldstyle!” I shouted. “Wall jump up there! I think the controls to make this easier are over there!”

“What?” yelped Wyldstyle.

“Just trust me!” I assured. Wyldstyle shrugged as she did as I requested. She found the controls and pulled a lever down. Some steam raised the cover of a vent at different intervals. She got the idea and pulled the other levers. There wasn’t an exact pattern to when the platforms raised, but that was unimportant. Clash then leapt up and landed on a vent cover when it went down. She was then lifted by the steam and raised to another platform. After a few jumps, she gave the thumbs up that our weight would be supported if we went one at a time. I wish she didn’t do that. She’s too valuable to me. We all made it to the other side and heard Homer speak.

“This is my chance to show everyone how professional I am!” he cheered. He then ran around his seat, smashed his fists on the buttons, then banged his head once, then went to sleep! Those actions resulted in a power generator holding door locks to malfunction and release the door latch. Barrels then came out of the door and onto a conveyor belt. They were then put right-side up and put under squashers. Thankfully, that wasn’t our problem at the moment. We had to get the people trapped in the gas out. Ichigō and I punched the glass, got our hands, and opened it from the other side. The people got out as we got something to block the door. Once that was done, we realized our only path was through the squashers. The controls were inside a locked room. Batman’s gauntlet light started glowing green. We looked all around until Gandalf lit up a room in total darkness in a lower level. We brought the transmitter into the light, giving Batman his Keystone Powers.

“Shift Keystone, activate!” he announced. “Magenta, on white panel inside room! Cyan, on scaffolding! Yellow, on the raised platform!”

“Oh yes?” asked Battle. “You’re just going to put the portal on a white panel?”

“Yes,” confirmed Batman.

“On a lower level panel?” quizzed Battle.

“Yes,” replied Batman.

“And people are supposed to reach the controls that way?” asked Battle.

“Yes,” sighed Batman, annoyed.

“…How?” asked Battle. Batman opened his mouth when he realized he was too eager to place portals.

“Batman, you may need me on the scaffolding,” said Gandalf. “The way I see things, there are two components that relate to the door over there. It seems locked for the person that goes in the magenta portal. However, if I were to undo the power that holds the door and transfer to the yellow portal, thus putting me on the platform, I can push something down to Madam Wyldstyle and she can build something to get that panel at a higher elevation.”

“Good idea,” I praised. “Batman, if you please?”

“Shift! Gandalf! Cyan!” announced Batman. Gandalf ended up on the scaffolding, undid the components, unlocking the door for the room and shutting the door that was spewing barrels under the crusher. He was then transferred to the yellow portal and shoved a crate off. Wyldstyle used the parts to build a giant joystick. Battle had changed into Gandalf steel and used magic to move the panel to the upper level. “Shift! Ichigō Gandalf! Wyldstyle! Outback! Hunt! Claw! Swing! Clash! Climb! Gallop! Sengoku! Royal! Guard! Touché! Zhànshì! Arch! Kämpfer! Seeker! Battle! Batman! Magenta!” called Batman, trying a different approach. Tedious, yes, but it worked. We went through the portal and walked along the conveyor belt to end up in front of a hallway with a security camera. I saw the door controls and figured I’d just waltz up and use them. My arrogance proved me wrong as the door controls locked at the sight of me. I turned on my heel and walked back.

“Any suggestions?” I asked, open to ideas.

“Allow me,” replied Batman. He then pulled his cape in front of his face and started going transparent. He went down the hall, fiddled with the controls and deactivated the camera and door locks. That door led to an area filled with toxic waste and a bunch of Micro-managers trying to yank something out of the wall, their boss, I assume, given that it spoke. He was a man in a gray business suit, had an elaborate red and black headdress with a red coffee cup on each side, a chest plate in black with shoulder pads and a red tie in the middle, a long red cape, and black boots with red light up sections that alter his height according to his whims. Judging by the look on Wyldstyle’s face, I’d say it was a certain business lord she’s been on the run from in the past.

“So,” asked the man, “what I’m saying is, why didn’t you just cut a bigger hole?!”

“Just wasn’t in the budget,” joked Rogue’s voice. The business lord didn’t appreciate the joke as Rogue walked in, laughing at the man’s predicament. The business man was the pulled out by the Micro-managers and set upright.

“Lord Business!” hissed Wyldstyle.

“Wyldstyle?” exclaimed Lord Business. “It WAS you meddling!”

“This is impossible!” snapped Wyldstyle. “You were about to graduate from the Master Builder Academy! Why are you up to your old tricks?!”

“Hey, I’d love to catch up,” replied Lord Business, “but I have to grab something and then destroy you and your friends. Mmkay? Mmkay.”

“Short, and to the point,” praised Rogue. “I like that. How about an assist for you? The element’s up there in that man’s hands!” He pointed to Homer who was looking on from an observation window.

“Get the element!” Lord Business ordered his Micro-managers. One of them chased Homer throughout the facility.

“Ow! Hoo-hoo! Ow, my thingies!” screamed Homer. He was then brought into the room in the Micro-manager’s grip. He screamed for a bit, then realized he had a drumstick in his hand, the edible kind, chomped on it, then saw Lord Business and Rogue. “I’m not normally a praying man,” wailed Homer as the Micro-manager threw the drumstick into the ooze, dissolving the meat and leaving the bone, “but if you’re up there, please save me, Superman!” Batman visibly winced at this. Homer then got the wrong idea about Rogue and Lord Business. “Oh my gosh, space aliens! Don’t eat me! I have a wife and kids! Eat them!” He was then taken away.

“Right,” chuckled Lord Business, “that’s the grabbing done. Now, what was the other thing?” A wicked grin appeared on his face.

“You’re going nowhere with this plan!” I snarled.

“And who’s going to stop us, you?” asked Rogue.

“Well, it was nice of you guys to drop by,” said Lord Business, “but Rogue and I don’t have time to play. We’re a little busy.” Batman studied the area.

“Those toxic waste pumps look useful,” he mused, “IF we can get to them.”

“HIT THE DECK!” shouted Guard. As we ducked, a red laser beam swept over us, destroying a gold apparatus, revealing parts that Wyldstyle picked up with Master Builder vision. The laser beam terminated automatically, making Lord Business growl in frustration.

“Look,” he hissed, “this is a new gun, okay! It needs a little time to recharge, so my goons will distract you, all right?”

“Don’t tell them the plan!” snapped Rogue. He summoned Turretorg again.

“There you are!” snarled the monster as it fired on us. We had to dodge its weapons as it fired. Another gold apparatus was destroyed as we dodged shrapnel.

“Do you mind!” shouted Rogue. He swept the area with another laser, destroying the last gold apparatus. “Well, I can safely be called an idiot,” muttered Rogue.

“Darn right!” agreed Wyldstyle as she built a pump, pulled the lever, and spewed toxic waste at Lord Business. After he fell into the pool of the stuff, he got back up, destroyed the pump, and sent parts of the ceiling down on our heads! It destroyed the platform we were on, so we had to use the ceiling panels to stay out of the toxic waste. Lord Business got the gun working again, but we dodged the laser until it ran out of juice again. He grunted in frustration at this.

“Why are you so difficult?!” snarled Lord Business. “Just stay still and let me get you already!” As more of the SWAT-bots came back, Zhànshì activated Wyldstyle Steel, rebuilt the pump, and pumped more toxic waste onto Lord Business. He destroyed the thing again, but Batman saw a Keystone transmitter in the vicinity.

“Shift Keystone, activate!” he announced. “Cyan, on upper left platform! Yellow, on upper middle platform! Magenta, on upper right platform!”

“Really?” asked Lord Business. “It’s like you’re just asking me to attack you in lots of different and interesting ways!”

“If I may use the Cyan portal, please?” I asked Batman.

“Shift! Cyan! Royal!” announced Batman. I went into the portal and got to a control panel for a toxic waste pump.

“Let’s see,” I mused as I looked over the controls. My eyes stopped at a lever. It asked if I wanted to activate the pump. “Y-E-S,” I exclaimed as I pulled the lever. Green ooze spilled onto Lord Business. The flow automatically cut itself off.

“Do you mind?” protested Lord Business. “This is a new suit!”

“I see waste pump controls at the magenta portal!” called Guard.

“Shift! Guard! Magenta!” announced Batman. Guard was transported to the waste pump controls and pressed a button to activate it. More green ooze spilled onto Lord Business.

“We all know that toxic waste gives you awesome super powers,” called Turretorg as it plunged its hand into the stuff, “so you just keep on trying that. Thanks!”

“What are you doing?!” shouted Rogue. At that moment, Turretorg started glowing green. Sickeningly yellow claws appeared on its hands. Its eyes started glowing yellow as well.

“Now, I am Turretoxorg!” announced the new monster. His bullets were like acid as it started melting the metal of the walls!

“Shift! Arch! Yellow!” Arch was sent through the yellow portal, activated Batman Steel, and used the grapple gun to pull the end of a waste pump towards him. It unblocked the flow of waste as it spilled onto Lord Business. He managed to get away from the stuff and switched a walkie-talkie on.

“Tell him ‘It’s showtime!’” he ordered to his forces. Meanwhile, a Micro-manager was chasing Homer as he escaped its grip. He was climbing the walls, swimming in the waste, and hiding among us in funny glasses. He was then caught by a Micro-manager as he gripped the pipes while the black box tugged at his pants, trying to get the nuclear rod stuck in them. It managed to remove the pants and send the rod flying everywhere. It bounced on the Micro-manager and towards Gandalf who used his staff as a bat and hit the rod…right into Rogue’s hands.

“Look at that!” he gloated. “Right into my hand!” Homer was distracted in the meantime.

“Hey! Get your own pants!” shouted the head of the Simpson household before he covered his crotch and shuffled off in embarrassment.

“Hey, it’s been great seeing you catch up with your old friend Lord Business, Madam Wyldstyle,” called Rogue, “but I have somewhere less exploding to be.”

“What about me?” asked Lord Business.

“What about you?” asked Rogue as he took out a remote and pressed a button. Something sparked on the back of Lord Business’ neck. He then looked around the place and saw Wyldstyle.

“Oh, hey, Wyldstyle!” he said pleasantly. “What are you doing here? Er…where IS here, exactly?”

“Don’t even try to play dumb here!” snapped Guard.

“He’s not,” replied Rogue. He held up the remote he had used earlier. “I had originally suggested to my Shocker buddies that they use a mind control chip in your cybernetics, Hongo, but they felt the usual brainwashing methods were still valid.”

“Hey, you said you came to me with a business deal!” protested Lord Business.

“And look where that latent greed got you,” chuckled Turretoxorg. It turned to a Micro-manager. “You know what to do.” Rogue took that as his cue to leave while the Micro-manager advanced menacingly towards us. Turretoxorg made a swipe with its claws as the Micro-manager grabbed a batarang and grabbed the panel we were on. We tried to steady ourselves as Turretoxorg tried to shift the weight around. The Micro-manager took us all up to an ornate office with a model of Springfield inside. Judging by the statues, I’d say that it was Mr. Burns’ office. Gandalf straightened his hat as we looked around. Turretoxorg just looked at us.

“Aren’t you going to fight us?” I asked.

“Now how selfish do you think I am?” quizzed Turretoxorg. I shrugged, and then resigned myself to looking around. I clapped eyes on a strange machine with a Keystone on top. It seemed to have a cone on each end and had a design with a red square, a blue L-shape on the left, and a yellow reverse L-shape on the right. I saw three switches and tried very hard to resist the temptation to touch them. I failed miserably as I turned the machine on. The machine then generated three portals that seemed to suspend a paint blob each, one red, one yellow, and one blue.

“Okay, what’s the power of this Keystone?” I asked to myself. My belt apparently doesn’t pick up on rhetorical questions.

+THE KEYSTONE IS CALLED THE…+

“Okay, thank you,” I interrupted. “I’ll get an explanation later.” A cackle rang through the office.

“Oh no, not him!” moaned Batman.

“Roll up!” announced the voice. “Roll up and witness the hysterically hilarious, the riotously ridiculous, the marvelously mirthful…” a certain clown Batman knew too well slid on his knees on the desk. “…me!” He caught sight of the Dark Knight. “Well, if it isn’t my old pal, Batsy!”

“Joker!” hissed Batman.

“Ding-ding-ding!” replied the Joker. “One point to the Dork Knight!” He let out a laugh. “But, can you tell me what THIS is?” He started looking at a pocket watch as Batman glared at the Joker. Sengoku turned to Turretoxorg.

“I ain’t telling!’ it exclaimed. The pocket watch started ringing as the Joker made a buzzing noise

“Too late!” sniggered the Clown Prince of Crime. “My experts say it’s a power unit! So, let’s see if it’s got enough juice to wake up an old friend of yours, Bat-brain!” The room started trembling. “Ooo hoo hoo! I think it does!” said the Joker.

“Joker, what are you doing?!” rasped Batman.

“Is there a reason behind the Joker’s actions?!” asked Seeker. The Joker blew a kiss at us, then jumped out the window!

“While he’s getting Batman’s old friend prepped,” called Turretoxorg, “how about I summon some of yours, Hongo-san?” It pulled out a radio from a concealed pouch in its chest. “Come forth, Combatmen!” A bunch of men in black uniforms with a skeletal motif and a silver belt buckle with the symbol of an eagle holding Earth came out of the woodwork, literally! They came out of the walls and drew their machete like swords, surrounding us! They kept saying “Yee!” for some odd reason.

“Shocker!” exclaimed Ichigō.

“Let me guess, these are Shocker’s grunts,” theorized Touché.

“Yep,” confirmed Sengoku. “They prefer to attack en masse. You can guess their max strength from there.” The building started shaking again. This time, a giant metallic flower on the lapel of some robot passed by to reveal a mammoth sized metal version of the Joker’s face.

“Oh, not this again!” groaned Batman. “Duck!” A giant, green, four fingered hand grabbed the power unit and attached to the back of the robot the head was attached to. The Joker Robot then lifted the ceiling and a good chunk of the walls, which I believed to be impressive since the right arm was a massive cannon.

“Ready for round two?!” asked the Joker.

“More than ready,” hissed Batman.

“No catchphrases?” asked Turretoxorg.

“Oh, catchphrases?” called the Joker. “Let me hear them!”

“As you wish,” obliged Outback. “Kamen Rider Outback! Better watch your backs, mates!”

“Kamen Rider Claw! My weapons shall turn you into ribbons!”

“Kamen Rider Swing! I’ll be taking your legs!”

“Kamen Rider Hunt! I shall always get my prey!”

“Kamen Rider Clash! A duel with me shall end in your defeat!”

“Kamen Rider Climb! Mountains are a warrior’s best friend!”

“Kamen Rider Gallop! My riding skills are unmatched!”

“Kamen Rider Sengoku! You shall get a taste of Feudal Japan!”

“Kamen Rider Royal! Evil will ultimately bow to me!”

“Kamen Rider Guard! None shall harm my friends, family, and lady!”

“Kamen Rider Touché! En Garde, thing of evil!”

“Kamen Rider Zhànshì! Try and stop my quest!”

“Kamen Rider Arch! My skills outdo Robin Hood!”

“Kamen Rider Kämpfer! Your defeat will be certain at my hands!”

“Kamen Rider Seeker! It’s not gold I seek, but your end!”

“Kamen Rider Battle! For friends and family, I shall be victorious!”

“I am Gandalf the Gray! I shall weave a spell of defeat over you!”

“I’m Wyldstyle! And I am not a DJ!”

“I’m Batman! The Dark Knight rises!”

“I am the start of a group of warriors! I am Kamen Rider!”

“…That was long,” observed Turretoxorg. The robot then grabbed an I-beam and swung it at us. We got out of the way, but barely, what with the Shocker Combatmen something into the air. They turned out to be giant wind up teeth with the Joker’s goons and some strange beings made up of space. They were featureless and had no way to discern their gender. My belt started warbling in an alarming manner.

+VORTEXONS DETECTED!+ it warned.

“Oh, look!” cheered the Joker. “Everyone has come out to see me! Little old me! Too bad there’s no Keystone transmitter for you!”

“You want to bet, clown?!” snarled Batman. “Shift Keystone, activate! Cyan, on the cannon! Yellow, on top of the head! Magenta, on the left arm!”

“Hey, where did they come from?!” called Turretoxorg. It looked around and saw a transmitter near the cannon. “The enemy’s getting aid! Destroy the transmitter!”

“You guys protect the transmitter!” directed Batman. “The Joker’s mine! Hitting him will interrupt his sequence and do some damage, but he’s too far away unless that thing stays online!”

“Just try and hit me, Bratman!” boasted the Joker. “Chroma! Yellow! Joker!” The Joker then jumped into the yellow paint blob on the left arm and was covered in yellow paint.

“Shift! Batman! Magenta!” commanded Batman. He appeared in front of the Joker and attacked him, but the Joker seemed to laugh it off.

“Ah, the wonders of a Keystone!” cheered the Joker. “This baby has given me a very powerful shield, making me immune to enemy attacks!”

“Enemy attacks, eh?” mused Batman. “Shift! Shocker Minion! Magenta!” The Shocker Minion he was referring to was trying to make a flying chop with that blade of his before the magenta portal caught him.

“Yee!” he yelped before he appeared on the Joker Robot’s left arm. Batman used him as a club and made the Joker revert back to his, er, “normal” self.

“Hey!” protested the Joker. “Now that’s not very nice!”

“Yee! Yee!” said the Shocker minion as he smacked the Joker. The Joker threw him off, causing the poor mook to crack his skull when he hit the floor. He died on impact. A couple of Shocker minions saw this and started attacking the Joker’s goons. The Joker, in the meantime, had left a bomb that just spat out a flag that said “BOOM!” on it.

“Simple fix!” chuckled Batman as he rebuilt it to actually explode. Once he got clear, the bomb went off and destroyed the shoulder armor of the robot.

“That’s it!” declared Wyldstyle. “He’s weakening!” A Vortexon tried to jump her, but she kicked it into a Shocker minion’s backside. Soon, the Shocker minions were trying to get rid of the Vortexons and the Joker’s goons.

“WHAT ARE YOU IDIOTS DOING!” shouted Turretoxorg. It was then hit with eyebeams that came out of the Joker Robot’s optics, reverting it back to Turretorg. “WHAT’S THE IDEA!” it roared to the Joker.

“Don’t forget to go out with a smile!” called the Joker. More of his goons appeared. “Nice of you to come out and play!” praised their boss. This time, he saw the chaos with the minions. “HEY! CUT THAT OUT!” he shouted. “Chroma! Blue! Joker!” This time, he took a blue coloration.

“Shift! Batman! Turretorg! Cyan!” called Batman. Turretorg was taken by surprise.

“HELP!” it shouted as it was sucked in. Once they were on the cannon arm, Batman started taunting the Joker.

“Of all the unfunny jokes you’ve made, Joker, this has to be the worst!” taunted the Dark Knight. “How is this demonstrating that chaos is eternal? All I see is your ultimate defeat!”

“That’s it,” whispered Turretorg, “keep talking!” It swung a punch to the rear of Batman’s head, but the Dark Knight ducked, allowing the punch to hit the Joker, making him lose his color again.

“Will you just PLAY NICE!” shouted the Joker as he set another bomb. This time, Batman had a little trouble reconfiguring it to actually explode as Turretorg laid down suppressing fire.

“Shift! Kämpfer! Cyan!” called Batman. Kämpfer jumped in and took care of the bomb. It blew up, damaging the cannon arm’s armor. The robot the shot its eyebeams at us again.

“You know something,” hissed the Joker, “having a gun obsessed mole like you help me obtain the Keystone was bad comedy!”

“MOLE?!” roared Turretorg. “YOU’VE GOT A LOT OF NERVE, YOU COURT JESTER! I’LL BLOW A HOLE INTO YOUR STOMACH FOR THIS! VORTEXONS, SLAY THEM!” The Vortexons started overpowering Shocker and the Joker’s goons. “As for you,” it continued saying to the Joker, “it’s time for me to take control of this show!”

“It’s not a show without the Joker! That’s me by the way,” called the Joker. The flower on the robot’s lapel started spewing purple goo. I didn’t know what it was, but it felt toxic to me.

“This metal giant appears to have a strange contraption attached to it!” observed Gandalf as he attacked his foes with Glamdring. He was referring to something that had escaped my notice! It was next to the Keystone power unit and seemed to be patterned like a circuit board!

“I think that’s the robot’s brain!” I declared.

“Oops!” said the Joker. “Forgot to patch that! Chroma! Joker! Red!” He landed on the head to protect the brain.

“Not this time, clown!” called Batman. “Shift! Batman! Vortexon! Yellow!” Batman grabbed a Vortexon and jumped in, swinging the poor creature on the Joker. The Joker had lost his shield and set one last bomb. The Vortexon tried to keep Batman at bay but failed as he reconfigured it to explode. The brain was destroyed as the robot went to a standstill to expose the belly.

“Claw! Hunt!” exclaimed Ichigō. “With me!” They jumped into the air. “RIDER KICK!”

“RIDER CLAW KICK!”

“RIDER HUNT KICK!” The robot wobbled from the impact. It then proceeded to fall on its face! We got out of the way quickly. The minions of the enemy, not as lucky. The Joker popped out of the bloody wreckage with the Keystone in hand.

“Ooh, this looks valuable!” he cheered.

“MORON!” roared Turretorg as it punched the Joker. Batman was about to grab the Keystone, but the Joker brought out his tommy-gun. Batman backed off. The Joker got out his walkie-talkie.

“Hi,” he said, “I’m going to need a taxi from the roof of Springfield Nuclear Power Plant!”

“Add me to the list of passengers as well!” called Turretorg. A portal opened for the Joker and Turretorg.

“Oh, never mind,” laughed the Joker. “One’s here. Be seeing you around, Bat…” As he picked up the Keystone, Gandalf whacked the Joker with his staff and tripped up both the clown and Turretorg, making them fly into the vortex.

“I’ll be taking that, thank you!” snapped the grey wizard as he grabbed the Keystone. A portal opened for us. “Shall we?” asked Gandalf. I pressed the vehicle summon button to get Shadowfax, the Batmobile, the Cyclone, Wyldstyle’s bike, and the F.N.S’s horses. All riders then powered down and adopted our human forms.

“After you, good Sir Gandalf,” I said as I mounted my horse. Lord Business had caught up to us. He had apparently built himself a decontamination room and then converted it to a car. He explained that Shocker had kidnapped him after he was fooled by Hiro’s idea of a business negotiation and planted the mind-control chip on him when he was still in Octan Tower after getting his graduation invite. After accepting his request to join us until he could get home, we all boarded our vehicles and Gandalf led the charge out of Springfield. Thank goodness. I was going to enjoy a nice long bath to wash my entire body of this whole affair! I didn’t want to stay in Springfield a minute longer!

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Kamen Rider Vortex Kamen Rider Vortex Chapters

Chapter 8

Hongo woke up before us. He didn’t have a restful night. Shocker still plagues his mind, even after its defeat. The fact that a man that gave that organization the idea of a transformation belt for its super soldiers was still alive and travelling the dimensions had opened old wounds. He decided to head to the gateway to see Batman working at it. “Trouble sleeping?” he asked. Batman whirled to see Hongo standing there.

“Not really,” replied Batman. “I usually strike at crime during the night. With no crime right now, I’ve been restless.”

“You speak as though there was tragedy in your life,” observed Hongo.

“Well, since everyone aside from Gandalf and you know my backstory,” rasped Batman as he reached for the cowl, “I might as well tell you.” He pulled it back to reveal his face. “My name is Bruce Wayne. I’m the son of Dr. Thomas Wayne, a wealthy man who had inherited a fortune that was built through industry and real estate. When I was a boy, my parents and I were leaving the theater after watching a Zorro movie. We turned into an alley to find a mugger. My parents tried to convince the man not to mug them, but he just killed them after more refusal to give up their valuables quietly. I survived the incident and will freely admit to being traumatized by the whole affair. Afterwards, I fell into a crack near Wayne Manor and discovered a cave full of bats. At first, I used to be terrified of bats. After my butler, Alfred, got me out, I went in again after a few days. I always returned, determined to face my fears until, eventually, a bat flew by my window and I didn’t blink. By that time, I was studying law and learned how corrupted my home of Gotham was. By then, I swore on my parent’s grave to fight injustice wherever it was. I started training my body to prepare for the fight against evil and took the motif of an animal that influenced my life.”

“Thus, becoming Batman?” guessed Hongo.

“Right,” confirmed Bruce. “What about you? Since I told you my backstory, might as well give me yours.”

“It’s only fair,” agreed Hongo. “Although, I was not traumatized as a child like you were. I was practicing for a motorcycle grand prix with a man I called friend, Tōbei Tachibana. During that time, people from the Sacred Hegemony Of Cycle Kindred Evolutionary Realm, the Shocker organization I’ve kept mentioning, had decided I was a perfect test subject for their mutant cyborg super soldier program as I was an athlete with an I.Q. of 600. I was kidnapped, genetically modified to accept grasshopper DNA, and cybernetically altered. I was about to be brainwashed when a professor at the college I attended had managed to cut the power temporarily to allow us to escape. I decided to fight Shocker at every turn as the Kamen Rider. Shocker didn’t like that and so tried again with another person, Hayato Ichimonji. He almost bought into the brainwashing before I interfered. I went on to fight Shocker branches overseas while Ichimonji stayed behind to be the second Kamen Rider. Nowadays, more Kamen Riders protect the planet and they aren’t even cyborgs. They can consider themselves lucky. Like you, my life can never return to normal.”

“My sympathies,” said Bruce.

“I would hate to interrupt the bonding between you two,” I called. They whirled to see me standing there with a smirk on my face.

“Shouldn’t your shoes have made noise?” snapped Bruce as he put the cowl back on and regained his raspy voice.

“Actually,” I replied, “I’ll let you guys in on a little secret.” I lifted my dress high enough to reveal my feet, my BARE feet. “I never wear shoes under this thing.”

“And you were walking around a forest in bare feet?!” yelped Batman.

“I’ve got tough feet,” I assured, “like a Hobbit.” The rest of the gang joined us. “Are we all accounted for?”

“Not quite,” muttered Emmanuel. “Some of us haven’t had our coffee.”

“Oh, yeah,” I realized. “All right, quick breakfast and coffee, then we get another Keystone.”

“Is coffee really important?” asked Hongo. “We need to get that Keystone now!” The air went quiet as we all stared at Hongo. Gandalf wisely kept quiet.

“The longer we wait for you to make sense, Hongo-san,” I threatened, “the longer you keep us from our coffee.” Hongo backed off. “That’s what I thought.” We got our breakfast, bagels and coffee, then we mounted our respective vehicles and got in front of the gateway. “All ready?” I asked. Everyone confirmed their status. I reared my horse back. “CHARGE!” I shouted, leading the charge into the portal. We ran through the vortex, ready to take on whatever dimension was our destination. “Driver, what’s our destination?” I asked my belt.

+DESTINATION IS DIMENSION T-H-3-5-1-M-P-5-0-N-5+ replied my belt.

“Thank you!” I praised. We soon arrived at the other end. I wish I could say nothing exciting happened, but that would be a lie. Something didn’t sit right with where we are, but I couldn’t place what it was. Lukas, on the other hand…

“Er, guys,” gulped Lukas, “where’s the ground?” We all looked down and saw it a couple of miles below us. Gravity then remembered what it does to all objects as we started falling.

“Where are we?!” asked Wyldstyle over the wind.

“And why does everything look…strange?!” quizzed Batman as he could see a town below us. We passed by some letters that spelled something. A choir then sang what the letters spelled.

“The Simpsons!” it said. As each syllable reached our ears, my heart sank lower and lower. The phrase “oh no!” escaped my lips. I won’t lie, I HATE The Simpsons with a passion! Given that I’ve had the misfortune of seeing at least one or two episodes out of its absurdly long run, I can guess what’s happening as we fall.

A boy with a bit of a belly, a spiky hairstyle with hair color matching his mustard yellow skin, Bart Simpson, will be writing lines in detention until the bell rings. He’ll then run out and hop on his skateboard to escape the school.

His dad, a man with a beer gut, the same skin tone as Bart, a permanent five o’ clock shadow, and a bald head, Homer Simpson, will extract a nuclear rod with tongs before the whistle blows and he takes off his hazard suit, during which, the nuclear rod gets stuck to his back.

While that’s going on, the mom, a tall lady with the longest blue beehive hairstyle, Marge Simpson, will be shopping and reading a magazine. The baby girl, a kid with spiky hair and always sucking on her pacifier, Maggie Simpson, shall ride on the checkout conveyor and get scanned and put in a grocery sack. She’ll poke her head out and gives a few sucks on her pacifier.

During which, band practice will be going on and a girl with spiky hair like Maggie, Lisa Simpson, plays a saxophone solo, annoying her band teacher as he silently tells her to get out. She does so, still playing the thing!

Meanwhile, Homer is going to be driving his pink car, get an itch on his back, remove the nuclear rod, and throw it out the car into the street.

At that point, Bart will be busy skating through Springfield…wherever! I heard from Richard’s father, Fred, an avid Simpsons fan since it came out, it’s supposed to be based on Springfield, Oregon, annoying everyone by getting too close, even the police officer on duty.

Meanwhile, Maggie shall be turning the wheel of her car seat with Marge, the pair of them honking the horn.

Homer will then drive up to the garage and open the door while Bart skates over the car, annoying Homer. Lisa will wheel by on her bike, getting too close to Homer, making him say “D’oh!” Then Marge will drive up, going in too fast, scaring Homer into running into the house. The Simpsons will then rush to their couch to watch T.V. Usually, there’s a gag involving that instance.

This time, the gag was that we crashed through the ceiling, scattering the family and getting them out of the house. Batman, Gandalf, Hongo, Wyldstyle, and I landed on the couch while the rest had piled onto the floor. The words “Created by Matt Groening” appeared on the television. The house then shook from the impact, compromising structural integrity, most likely. Gandalf then took the remote, unsure of what it is, pressed the channel button, and went to a channel with a clown, Krusty the Clown, I believe the name was. “Enough T.V!” exclaimed Batman. Thank you! “Let’s figure out why we’re here.” While Gandalf had discovered what the average donut was and munched on it, I tried to turn off the T.V.

“Come on!” I snarled. Nineties T.V’s were apparently beyond me as I couldn’t find the off button. I then resorted to slapping the thing, which, oddly enough, resulted in getting the Krusty i.d tag. I arched an eyebrow at this. “Er, Driver?” I asked.

+THIS HAS NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE+ faltered my belt. +UNABLE TO OFFER EXPLANATION AT THIS TIME+ I blinked, then shrugged.

“Hey, guys!” called Wyldstyle. “My scanner’s found something in the couch!”

“Let’s get it out then!” exclaimed Emmanuel. He flung the cushions off and reached in to grab something, but even his vaunted strength couldn’t get it out. “Er, I know the French can be a proud people, but may I have some help? Monsieur Batman, I believe the two of us can use your grapple gun.”

“Looks like it,” agreed Batman. Emmanuel then struck his Henshin pose.

“Henshin!” he announced as he inserted the i.d tag into the belt. He jumped through the blue circle, donning his Arch suit, and swapped his i.d tag for the Batman one.

“Batman Steel!” called the belt. The wardrobe appeared, closed on Arch, formed the new armor, and dissolved, revealing Arch in Batman Steel. Both he and Batman fired their grapple guns and yanked hard. A bunch of metal pieces flew out of the couch. Gandalf used his magic to lift a record player onto speakers, which blasted music before the vibrations shook it apart. Richard tried the back door, but it was blocked from the outside by the debris that had fallen from our landing. Wyldstyle then used her Master Builder powers to construct an elaborate slingshot and aimed it at the window. Using some of the debris as ammo, she fired at a window, shattering it and allowing us passage to the back yard. As we explored the backyard, a portal opened over the sandbox and spat out a strange device before it closed. Batman got a closer looking.

“Interesting,” he muttered. “The markings on this device appear to be the same as on the Shift Keystone. Perhaps they’re linked? Someone’s trying to help us.”

“Batman,” I observed, “I think that’s the Keystone power transmitter my belt talked about last night.”

“Then there’s another piece of the puzzle that’s missing,” quizzed Batman, “how do I use this thing?” Batman then saw instructions on how to use the gauntlet on its view-screen. “Okay then,” he said, allowing a brief smile at his fortune. “Let’s see, ‘Step one: say ‘Shift Keystone, Activate’. Step two: state where you want shift portals. Step three: Say Shift, then target’s name, then the color of the portal target will go through’.”

“I can see something on the roof!” I called.

“I think there’s something in the treehouse,” Lukas pointed out.

“Those pipes could be useful,” mused Emmanuel.

“I think there’s something stuck in the chimney!” called Emily. I craned my neck to look up to see a bit of Keystone stuck inside.

“All right,” muttered Batman, “time for a test run. Shift Keystone, Activate! Cyan, over the treehouse! Yellow, over the roof on my left! Magenta, on the roof to my right!” The portals then appeared in exactly as Batman described. “All right, time for some guinea pigs. Let’s see…” I don’t know why, but he gave me a mischievous grin. “Shift! Megumi! Cyan!” A cyan portal opened beneath me and gave me what I call a reverse Monroe moment. You know that picture of Marilyn Monroe holding down her dress over a vent? This time, the portal tried to suck my dress into it and I had to hold it up. I was sucked in and landed on the treehouse’s roof. I bounced and grabbed the edge. Sadly, that was the catalyst for bringing it down. After it fell, I landed not so gracefully, getting tangled in the skirts of my dress, requesting help, a mess of a time to get myself untangled, and finally giving Batman what for!

“GIVE A GIRL SOME WARNING NEXT TIME, WILL YA?!” I shouted. Batman appeared to pay no heed

“Shift! Hongo! Magenta!” Hongo was caught by surprise as he tried to jump out of the way, but soon ended up sliding down the roof and pulling the pipes down. “Shift! Gandalf! Yellow!” Gandalf tried to steady himself with his staff but was sucked in anyways and ended up on the roof. He pushed the object off and the slid down with Wyldstyle catching him. “All right, now to turn this thing off.” The instructions appeared on the view-screen again. Batman read them, then said “Shift Keystone, Deactivate!” The portals disappeared as we gathered the parts to make a trampoline to get up to the Keystone in the chimney. Batman got there first. It appeared to have a design with three different colored dots in the shape of a triangle. The topmost vertex was blue, the left was yellow, and the right was red with lines connecting them all. Batman was about to grab the new Keystone when a giant black box with red eyes and clawed hands came out of a portal and grabbed it first!

“A Micro-manager?!” yelped Wyldstyle.

“Hey!” snapped Batman to the one that stole the Keystone.

“Batman!” called Hongo as a Micro-manager grabbed him. We were all grabbed and taken to the sky. While we went up, the Micro-managers caused havoc in Springfield. Such examples were shooting one of Homer’s co-workers in the rear, setting fire to Krusty Burger with Krusty the Clown fleeing with his money, but not before putting up a sign saying “Now Flame Grilled”, setting the elementary school on fire, making Bart and his best friend, Milhouse, high five each other, tearing the town hall apart, making the Mayor run into a tree, shooting Chief Wiggum’s car with him being unaware of the chaos going on, and chasing Krusty, causing him to run into Marge and try to woo her, but end up getting tossed into the stratosphere.

“What the heck is going on!” snarled Batman as he tried to escape the grip of the Micro-manager holding him.

“I don’t know!” exclaimed Wyldstyle as a trio of Micro-managers entered a portal.

“If you want my opinion,” called a voice, “I’d say our careers just reached new heights!” Hiro came in on top of a Micro-manager. As we stared, he rubbed the back of his neck. “Yeah, not feeling that one either!”

“You put us down, now!” I shouted.

“Are you sure you want that?” asked Hiro.

“You heard her!” shouted Batman as he took out a Batarang. “Put us down!” He threw it at Hiro’s head, then it travelled to hit the hands of our respective Micro-managers. “Here we go again!” called Batman as gravity caught up to us. Hiro regained his balance and saw us fall.

“Oh, no you don’t!” he roared. He took his guns and pointed them at us after he loaded his i.d tag into them. “You won’t get away from me that easily! Henshin!” He fell into the red circle and became Kamen Rider Rogue.

“Rogue’s on our tail!” reported Lukas.

“Then we fight him once we find a decent platform!” I suggested.

“I see a massive Micro-manager!” called Wyldstyle.

“Then that’s where we fight him!” I said as I took out the i.d tag.

“Rider!” announced Hongo as his belt opened.

“HENSHIN!” we all called as we sped towards the giant Micro-manager. SWAT-bots then clambered on top as Hiro caught up to us. When we clashed, there was a massive brawl between us! Between all the punches and kicks, we managed to loosen a panel which raised a computer terminal. Swing pressed a button to broadcast a transmission coming from somewhere to all Micro-managers.

“The Foundation Element has been located,” reported the voice, making Wyldstyle widen her eyes in fear. “It’s in the nuclear power station in the hands of an employee.”

“System compromised,” came the computer voice of the Micro-manager’s computer. “Self-destruct initializing in 3, 2, 1.”

“Self…what?” gulped Gandalf. The Micro-manager exploded.

“Oddly enough, Hiro,” remarked Hiroki, “I don’t think that’s the entire plan!”

“Like I’d tell you!” snapped Hiro as he raised his guns and fired.

“Sengoku’s right,” called Batman as we dodged the shots, “that sounded like only part of the plan! We’ll need to hack more terminals to find out more!” We soon found another giant Micro-manager, you know, let’s call it a Macro-manager, and landed on its roof. More SWAT-bots came out and opened fire once we landed. Our capes morphed into shields as we took up positions, but we couldn’t effectively return fire. The only one who could was Kämpfer with his stylized crossbow. Thank goodness there’s no recoil on it. Arch wanted to fire, but he can’t exactly fire arrows with one hand. The rest of us only had melee weapons.

“Drat, we can’t fire back!” I hissed.

+INCORRECT STATEMENT+ countered my belt. +ALL WEAPONS CAN SWITCH FROM RANGED TO MELEE FORMS+

“What about those that need two hands to fire?!” snapped Arch.

+YOU DO NOT NEED TWO HANDS TO FIRE+ replied my belt. +THERE IS A BUTTON UNDER YOUR RIGHT POINTER FINGER+ Arch blinked under his helmet and looked at the bow. The button was small and red. He pointed the bow at the SWAT-bots and pressed the button. An energy shot pierced the metal of the robot.

“Merci beaucoup!” thanked Arch as he continued to return fire.

“Is there recoil on our weapons’ ranged mode?” I asked.

+NEGATIVE+ replied my belt.

“Then we’re going to have some fun!” I chuckled as I folded my sword into a rifle. We unleashed a volley of laser fire and raised a platform with a green tube with a satellite dish. A Micro-manager grabbed the dish in an attempt to stop our progress, but Batman pulled it down, destroying it and the tube, but a certain Master Builder made another terminal which started broadcasting more of the transmission.

“Do everything it takes to get hold of this employee, one Homer J… Sampson? …Sempson? …Sim…oh, whatever! JUST GET HIM!”

“That idiot broadcasted the plan to all Micro-managers?!” snapped Rogue.

“Second system compromised,” came the Macro-manager’s A.I. “Self-destruct initializing in T-minus 3, 2, 1. Detonation.” The Macro-manager blew up. A bit of free-fall later and we landed on another Macro-manager. This time, we had to take care of three Micro-managers shooting at us. Hunt then swapped her i.d tag for the Batman one.

“Batman steel!” announced her belt. Batman Steel came on as she swung a batarang at the Micro-managers, destroying them. The panel was removed by Gandalf’s magic and the terminal raised, but Rogue shot it.

“Not this time!” he snarled. He then took out a ball of some sort. It was blueish gray with a red dot in the center. “I summon you, Turretorg!” He threw the ball onto the floor where it melted, then grew, then formed an ugly shape. It was vaguely humanoid, had fur everywhere, had gun turrets on its shoulders and head, gun barrels for hands, cannons coming out of the mouth, and a gun on each knee.

“Turretorg, awaiting orders, sir!” said the monster.

“Slay those dolts!” ordered Rogue.

“I pledge obedience!” saluted Turretorg. He…she…it turned on us and unleashed a volley of fire. We took cover where we could.

“Another computer terminal must be inside,” called Wyldstyle. “If we can get in…”

“How do you propose we do that?!” I snapped. “We’re under heavy fire, in case you forgot!”

“But the grapple guns can reach pretty long,” remarked Wyldstyle.

“What’s that supposed to mean?!” I asked, exasperated.

“My scanner found two grapple hooks on either side of this thing’s roof,” explained Wyldstyle. She pointed them out to me. “We just need someone with Batman Steel.”

“Hunt!” I called, getting Hunt’s attention. “Tell Batman to fire a grapple gun at one of those hooks over there!”

“Got it!” she confirmed. She told Batman of the plan. Batman and Hunt then fired their grapple guns and pulled a couple of pylons out of the Macro-manager. The rear swung out and a green light glowed on Batman’s Keystone Gauntlet.

“What’s the green light for?” he asked.

+KEYSTONE TRANSMITTER IN VICINITY+ replied my belt.

“Clear a path for me!” called Batman. “I need to see where to place the portals!”

“Everyone, give Batman cover fire!” I shouted. We managed to separate Rogue and Turretorg and keep their attention on us while Batman got the lay of the land. The interior was set up in two levels, the lower of which had an electric dome over a terminal. The rear door had platforms underneath pipes that begged to be disconnected.

“Shift Keystone, Activate!” announced Batman. “Cyan, over rear most platform! Yellow, on roof of Macro-manager! Magenta, near electric dome!” The portals appeared. Gandalf had jumped inside the Macro-manager to undo a pipe on the door. It weakened the electro-dome around the terminal. Gandalf got an idea.

“Batman!” shouted Gandalf. “Get me into the Cyan portal!”

“What?!” yelped Batman.

“Trust me!” assured Gandalf. Batman shrugged but complied.

“Shift! Gandalf! Cyan!” This time, Gandalf was ready. He allowed himself to be sucked in and ended up on the farthest platform on the door. He then used his magic to undo two more pipes. The electro-dome disappeared and Batman decided to try something. “Shift! All in vicinity! Magenta!” he commanded. Everyone got sucked into the magenta portal. And when I say “everybody”, I mean everybody. Perhaps Batman should have specified his targets. Everyone tumbled into the second level of the Macro-manager. It became a firefight between us and Rogue and the monster. We surrounded the terminal as I switched it on.

“Once we have the artefact, we move back,” came the transmission. “Utilize the Asset and his secret weapon if there’s any resistance.”

“Hm,” mused Batman. “There may be trouble ahead.”

“Proximity alert,” came the computer. “Emergency Landing incoming. Raise in altitude suggested.” Batman continued looking at the terminal.

“This says that we’re heading towards Springfield Nuclear Power Plant,” he reported. The Macro-manager started shaking.

“And that, I assume,” I gulped, “was our brakes?”

“Yep,” replied Batman.

“Master, we must fall back!” called Turretorg.

“No!” snarled Rogue. “We give our lives to eliminating them!”

“This is a suicide mission!” argued Turretorg. “There’s no honor in this! We must retreat so we can claim the Foundation Element more quickly!” Rogue considered this.

“You’ve successfully swayed me,” he sighed. He opened a portal. “We’ll regroup in the main building. Fall back!”

“I pledge obedience!” saluted Turretorg as it followed him into the portal. Meanwhile we tried to control our ride, but to no avail.

“Guys, if we don’t make it out,” I called, “it was an honor serving with you!”

“The pleasure’s all ours, my lady!” replied Guard. We crashed into the main building.