Tag: joker

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Kamen Rider Vortex Kamen Rider Vortex Movie Chapters

Chapter 13

After we rested up, we got into various vehicles, pickup trucks, camper vans, motorcycles, what have you. We then departed for Merasmus’ Carnival of Carnage. I reflected on how Merasmus owed $12,000 to the Japanese Mafia when he was making it. Then my thoughts drifted to when he crossed the Russian Mafia. “When’s he gonna learn?” I mumbled.

“What did you mutter?” rumbled the BLU Heavy driving the truck I was in.

“The Joker’s a crime boss,” I explained so he could hear me. “This would make him the third crime boss Merasmus crossed paths with.”

“Wizard is not too bright,” replied the BLU Heavy. “Not even Scouts of both teams would make stupid mistake.”

“…Did anyone ever comment how much you and the RED Heavy look alike?” I remarked, changing the topic.

“We are same,” answered the BLU Heavy.

“…Huh?” I quizzed.

“Both teams are clones of same people,” explained the BLU Heavy. “Our minds are linked to our original selves.”

“You guys are clones?!” I yelped.

“Administrator believes none of us know but both me and RED Heavy, both Spies, both Snipers, both Medics, and both Engineers know,” continued the BLU Heavy.

“What would happen if the Administrator found out?” I quizzed.

“No chance,” answered the BLU Heavy. “Joker killed her before she could. Her clone was placed on lockdown until this whole thing blows over, according to Spies.”

“I thought she had a life-extending machine powered by Australium,” I remarked.

“It only worked on age, not bullets,” replied the BLU Heavy.

“So, why do you lot persist in continuing a feud long after the two founders, Redmond and Blutarch Mann, died?” I asked.

“Enough talk,” grunted the BLU Heavy. “We are here.” The Carnival WAS in sight, but the answer I got meant that the conversation was at an end. He was right. Time to plan our strategy. As we set up camp outside the Carnival, I motioned the Spies and Scouts over.

“This is probably not gonna be like y’all are familiar with,” I explained. “I need you to case the place.”

“A question,” interjected the RED Spy. “Why are we joining with the Scouts?” I then motioned them to come nearer so I could whisper why. They leaned in and I explained.

“Those idiots will, in all likelihood,” I whispered, “try to outdo each other and the Joker is NOT an enemy where you can afford to do so. I know this is asking you to do the Scouts’ job as well as your own, but I need someone to get the job done.”

“Je comprends,” (I understand) replied the BLU Spy.

“We shall depart immediately,” declared the RED Spy. The Scouts and Spies then headed off.

“Someone got a map of the place?” I asked.

“Here,” replied the RED Sniper. He handed over a map that indicated where the teams would usually spawn.

“Now, any class tokens?” I requested. Pup-X5 then handed over black, red, and blue versions of each TF2 class’s symbol. “Good dog,” I praised as I laid them out. “Okay, red and blue will represent you guys while black will represent the enemy forces. Now, we wait for the report.” It took a good hour, but the Scouts and Spies told us where the enemy was hiding within the Carnival. “Perfect,” I praised as I placed the black tokens where the enemies were. We then started making a plan of attack.

It was simple, the Heavies and Soldiers would clear a path to the center while the Scouts pick off any ground forces still remaining. The Snipers would take care of any airborne enemies while the Demomen would hide sticky bombs near the enemy spawn, effectively trapping them for the foreseeable future. Once a path was cleared, the Engineers would set up their sentries and dispensers around the center while the Soldiers and Heavies joined them with the Medics. The Pyros would set fire to any areas that would serve as cover for the enemy while the Spies infiltrated the center of their operations and download any information from their computers. The rest of us would assist the Scouts and Snipers in picking off the enemy forces that manage to get past the Demomen’s sticky bombs. Us Riders had already changed into our Rider personas. We entered the battlefield with the Soldiers announcing our presence. “Last one alive, lock the door!” shouted the BLU Soldier.

“ATTACK!” shouted the RED soldier. We charged forward, our bloodlust at its peak…only to find no one. “…What?” asked the RED Soldier.

“Something is different!” remarked the BLU Heavy.

“Scouts!” I growled.

“There WERE people here!” protested the BLU Scout.

“I can confirm this,” supplied the RED Spy.

“Where in Sam Hill are they, then?!” asked the RED Engineer.

“Something isn’t right,” muttered Arch.

“Not right is putting it mildly,” shuddered Seeker. We took up our positions on a heightened state of alert. Seeker was near me as we scanned the area. This lasted for a good hour.

“This is ridiculous,” I whispered. “I’m starting to seize up from being in a constant state of tension.”

“I’m going through the same thing,” replied Seeker. “Where are they?”

“¿Qué tal?” (What’s up?) asked a voice. Given that it was Spanish and feminine, I looked at Seeker.

“Que no era yo,” she gulped.

“What do you mean that wasn’t you?!” I hissed.

“Exactly what it sounds like!” replied Seeker.

“¡Apagando las luces!” (Turning off the lights!) announced the voice. Just then, a horrible idea struck me.

“…It can’t be…” I breathed.

“SENTRY DOWN!” called one of the Engineers before eliciting a dying noise. We headed to the Engineers to see a woman appearing in purple light. She had half her head shaved to reveal some cybernetic circuits leading to her spine. Her main color scheme was purple. She had conjured up a holographic keyboard and typed in a few commands before spotting us, then miming a kiss before dismissing the keyboard.

“Sombra!” I breathed.

“Aw, you DO know me!” cooed the woman.

“But, how did you get to this universe?!” I protested.

“A little help from Shocker Rift,” replied Sombra. “By the way, you’re making the assumption that I came alone, amigo.” I then realized what was happening.

“GUYS! TALON’S IN THIS UNIVERSE!” I warned.

“Just once, keep that mouth of yours shut!” rasped a voice. Black smoke then came out of the center of the map and formed itself into a man dressed in a cowl with a skull like mask on his face. This was Overwatch’s Reaper, a member of the terrorist organization, Talon, the same one Sombra belonged to. He leveled two large shotguns at us and fired, causing us to scatter. The Joker’s laugh then rang throughout the map.

“Roll up! Roll up! Come see the crossover that should never exist!” he cheered. “A debate that’s just as emotion-inducing as Star Wars vs. Star Trek! The Joker presents to you Team Fortress 2 vs. Overwatch!” The rest of Talon then arrived, the leader; Doomfist, the Sniper; Widowmaker, the geneticist; Moira, and the astrophysicist; Sigma.

“TAKE COVER!” I shouted. “MAKE THEM LOSE!”

“Try us,” taunted Doomfist as we took cover. Unfortunately, Talon’s presence caused us to scatter. Widowmaker was sending us to the respawn rooms at too quick a rate by swooping through the air with her grappling hook and firing her gun in automatic mode, Doomfist’s signature gauntlet caused insane amounts of damage, Reaper just couldn’t stay down, Moira healed her allies and caused all sorts of havoc on us with her Biotic Orb of Discord, Sombra hacked anything mechanical on us, and Sigma kept slowing us down by altering our personal gravity fields. I respawned in the BLU spawn, as did the BLU Medic and Wyldstyle.

“We’re not winning this one, are we?” muttered Wyldstyle.

“Not yet,” I replied. “Isn’t there ANYTHING that can help us?” The BLU Scout then appeared.

“STUPID! STUPID! STUPID!” he protested.

“Take it easy!” I directed.

“This is unacceptable!” the BLU Medic snapped. “We’re getting killed left, right, and center! I can’t stay alive long enough to get the ÜberCharge ready! Neither can my RED colleague!”

“We’ll have to try again,” I remarked. “The mission’s still a go!” We departed the respawn and tried to take up positions that Talon couldn’t reach. A mistake, as we separated from each other, leaving a certain hacker to pull me aside.

“Well, well, well,” purred Sombra, “a little man all on his own.” I raised my gun. “¡Relájate! No hay por qué preocuparse.” (Calm down! There’s nothing to worry about.)

“No te creo,” (I don’t believe you.) I hissed.

“Oh, you DO know Spanish,” grumbled Sombra.

“My dad’s former superior has family in Mexico City,” I explained. “I took every available opportunity to learn Spanish from him, originally to wind up my grandfather.”

“Well, I suppose I can’t fault one for winding up a racist asshole,” she sighed.

“Let me say, you aren’t exactly doing my dad’s former superior any favors or helping him dispel any stereotypes,” I hissed.

“Are you sure you want to talk to me that way, kiddo?” chuckled Sombra. “Especially since, after scouring the databases hidden in your belts, I found some juicy secrets you’d rather leave hidden from the new guys you picked up?”

“…Tell Victor anything,” I threatened, “and your head will be mounted above my fireplace!”

“You’re not in a position to make threats!” laughed Sombra.

“I’m warning you!” I continued. Sombra activated her keyboards and keyed in a command with the biggest smirk on her face. The results…weren’t what either of us expected. O Canada played as a hologram of the Canadian Flag flapped.

“¿Qué?” (What?) squawked Sombra. A hand grabbed her shoulder, turned her around, and its partner slugged her in the jaw! The figure was Range in armor evoking her!

“The EMP of Sombra,” explained Range. “Grants me armor and your abilities. While you were talking, I was hacking your spinal graft!”

“But…but I programmed my graft’s security measures!” protested Sombra. “How did…?!”

“You didn’t quadruple check to see if you left a backdoor open!” answered Range as he fired on Sombra. She threw a translocator beacon at a safe spot as she ran from us and teleported to the beacon before throwing it again and teleporting away. Widowmaker then shot us and made us respawn in the BLU room.

“Range, I owe you a…!” I gasped.

“I know the secret she was talking about,” replied Range coldly. “What everyone on the team owes me is an explanation.” With that, he left to rejoin the fight. I was left with figuring out how I was gonna explain it all to him. Wyldstyle’s appearance snapped me out of my thoughts, as did the grin on her face.

“There’s a Chroma Lock design on the giant Strongman machine!” she reported.

“Then that’s our goal!” I declared, temporarily pushing my future conversation with Range to the back of my mind. I relayed the order to find the Chroma Discs, explaining what they are to the Mercenaries, as we fought. The Joker, evidently, saw that we were organizing and decided to join the fray to keep us in a chaotic state. He fired on us as we kept up our defenses. Range had heard about the Chroma Lock and found it on the machine’s backside. It had an orange circle, a green left L-shape, and a purple right L-shape.

“Over here!” called Arch. He was on the left of the RED respawn room with the blue Chroma Disc. The Joker then caught sight of the disc!

“I remember that Keystone!” he snapped. “Hand it over!”

“Oh no, you don’t!” argued Wyldstyle as she used a few bits of the Strongman machine to make a bazooka. “That’s mine!” She fired, knocking the Joker off his feet.

“Ah, so it’s magic we’re using!” giggled the Joker. “Oh, wizard!”

“Cower, fools!” cackled a voice as a man flew around us with a skull on his head and a staff in his hand. “Merasmus is here!”

“Merasmus! I am going to pull a rabbit out of your ass!” snarled the BLU Soldier.

“You are ten pounds of ghost crap in a five pound dress!” supplied the RED Soldier.

“Stop talking and start shooting!” I shouted. As I ordered that, Pup-X5 found the yellow Chroma Disc near the platform of the Strongman machine. Merasmus fired various spells and kept us running.

“Fellas!” called the RED Engineer as he found the red Chroma Disc near the wooden Merasmus head looking out at the map in a fortune teller machine.

“ENOUGH!” declared Merasmus. “By the power of the Bombinomicon!” He pulled out an eldritch book with a bomb fuse on the front.

“Everyone down!” warned the RED Soldier. “He’s got a book!”

“All right, stand back!” called the voice of the Bombinomicon. “Have some bombs, guys!” The book spat out large bombs at us, all of us, even Talon and the Joker.

“WATCH YOUR AIM!” roared Reaper as a bomb exploded near him.

“Oh, this is so wonderful!” laughed the Joker.

“Why did I join your ilk?” muttered Doomfist. Just then, the Wheel of Fate appeared!

“The Wheel!” announced Merasmus as it spun. “Come on… Set them all on fire.” The Wheel then chose our fate! “You are GODS!” The ÜberCharge Fate! Yes! “Aha,” gulped Merasmus, “that may SEEM good, but it WILL be bad. In the fullness of time.”

“IDIOT!” roared Doomfist as we took advantage of the effects of the mass ÜberCharge. Talon was trying to put us down but could no longer secure the advantage.

“Now’s a good time!” declared Wyldstyle. “Chroma Keystone, activate! Chroma lock, reveal!” The Lock design appeared on the ground. “Chroma! Red! Range! Chroma! Yellow! RED Engineer! Chroma! Blue! BLU Soldier!” The people she directed jumped into their respective paint blobs.

“Great, a permanent ÜberCharge for those nitwits!” wailed the Joker as he fired on those of us that weren’t painted. Range went into the circle, the BLU Soldier went into the right L-shape, and the RED Engineer took the left L-shape. Range then moved to the BLU Soldier’s position, convinced the BLU Soldier to take the RED Engineer’s place, and the RED Engineer took Range’s place, causing the lock design to match the one on the Strongman machine. A door opened to reveal a Gateway!

“Pup-X5, see if you can program the Gateway to suck in only Merasmus, the Joker, and Talon!” I directed. Pup-X5 gave a thumbs up and hurried off to do so. Just then, the Engineers ran from the field! “HEY!” I shouted.

“Need to check the respawns!” called the RED Engineer. “Sombra may have hacked them!”

“Be back soon!” supplied the BLU Engineer.

“COME BACK!” I shouted. Too late. They vanished. “And I thought the Spies were sneaky rats!” I hissed. We had to try and keep the enemy off Pup-X5’s back as he programmed the Gateway. It took a while, but Pup-X5 gave us the thumbs up. “Throw it!” I called.

“No, you don’t!” shouted the Joker as he shot the Gateway. Pup-X5’s optics went wide.

“The suction won’t be as strong unless they’re in the air!” read his tablet as the Gateway activated.

“How are we gonna get them into the air?!” I protested.

“Maybe I can help!” called the voice of an Engineer.

Categories
Kamen Rider Vortex Kamen Rider Vortex Movie Chapters

Chapter 14

The pair of them returned with another Kamen Rider wearing a Chronicle Driver.

“Who’s the new guy?!” I asked. The Engineers pulled me aside.

“Do you know how we keep coming back?” asked the BLU Engineer.

“The BLU Heavy told me you guys are clones,” I answered. “Wait, did you guys make a third Engineer?”

“One that needs the belt more than we do,” replied the RED Engineer. “It works for both of us, but neither of us want to abandon our team.”

“So, we made him so he can travel the multiverse while we help out our teams,” continued the BLU Engineer. “He’s taken to going by our real name, Dell Conagher.”

“He want to help you out against the Joker’s boss,” finished the RED Engineer, “if you’ll have him.” I thought for a few seconds, then decided.

“Engineers, I would gladly have him,” I answered. I relayed where the new Rider came from and we took up positions to kick the enemy into the air.

“What makes you think you can stop us?!” laughed the Joker.

“We have our ways,” I replied, “blending order and chaos seems to work.”

“Order and chaos CAN’T be blended!” argued the Joker.

“That’s why you constantly get sent back to Arkham,” I countered. “They ain’t mutually exclusive! Doomfist can attest to that!”

“He IS correct,” remarked Doomfist. “Only through chaos can order flourish. Or, as I prefer to say it, only through conflict do we evolve.”

“You, zip it!” snapped the Joker.

“In any case, it’s about to get real chaotic for you,” I chuckled, “since you’re right where we want you! Kamen Rider Guard! None shall harm my friends, family, and lady!”

“Kamen Rider Arch! My skills outdo Robin Hood!”

“Kamen Rider Seeker! It’s not gold I seek, but your end!”

“Kamen Rider Herald Y! I bring news of your defeat!”

“Kamen Rider Famine! I shall starve you of victory!”

“Kamen Rider Range! I’ve got you right where I want you!”

“I’m Wyldstyle! Time to think outside the box!”

“I am Technarain, the genius wanderer!”

“I am Pup-X5!” called a prerecorded message that X-PO made for Pup-X5. “I shall dig up success!”

“Kamen Rider Construct!” called the Engineers’ third clone. “Let’s do this Texas style!”

“You’re gonna do it DEAD style soon!” laughed the Joker. “GET THEM!” They leapt into the air to attack us.

“NOW!” I called. We spun the wheels and pressed the buttons.

“Final attack!” announced the Vortex Drivers.

“Final Pen Stroke!” supplied the Chronicle Drivers.

“RIDER GUARD KICK!”

“RIDER ARCH KICK!”

“RIDER SEEKER KICK!”

“RIDER HERALD Y KICK!”

“RIDER FAMINE KICK!”

“RIDER RANGE KICK!”

“RIDER CONSTRUCT KICK!” Our kicks landed on our opponents and pushed them towards the portal!

“NOOOO!” screamed Merasmus as the enemy was sucked in. “SOLDIER! YOU WERE THE WOOORST ROOOOMMAAAATE!” The portal disappeared once everyone was sucked in.

“Victory!” called the Overwatch announcer.

“…That ain’t the Administrator,” mused the RED Engineer.

“Play of the Game,” continued the Overwatch announcer. The Gateway then projected a screen with Arch posing. The caption read “Emmanuel Babineaux as Kamen Rider Arch.”

“What?!” I protested. “Why are YOU getting Play of the Game?!” We soon got our answer. While he was fighting Reaper, he had separated his bow into his blades and leapt up into the air before inserting his i.d. tag into the one in his right hand.

“Final attack!” it announced.

“RIDER ARCH SLAM!” he shouted. The impact caused Reaper to fly across the map.

“…Okay, you get Play of the Game,” I grumbled.

“Well, the moment has passed,” muttered the RED Spy.

“Agreed,” supplied the BLU Spy. “We have work to do over at Thunder Mountain.”

“Thunder Mountain?!” squawked the RED Soldier. “I don’t know how you knew that’s where we’re going, but you BLUs won’t take it from us!”

“We’ll be throwing our payload at your ass all day long!” snarled the BLU Soldier.

“I am going to strangle you with your own frilly training bra!” threatened the RED Soldier. He then chased the BLU Soldier out of the carnival with their compatriots following close behind, save for Construct. Once it was just us, we all powered down. The third Engineer clone, Dell as the original two called him, was wearing a purple Engineer’s outfit.

“Welcome to the team, Mr. Conagher,” I bid as I stuck my hand out for a handshake.

“Please, son, Mr. Conagher is my father’s name,” replied Dell as he shook my hand. “Just call me Dell.”

“Well then, welcome, Dell,” I greeted. We then finished and I turned to Pup-X5. “Get into contact with Vorton. Tell them the Tarlaxian crew gave their lives successfully getting the Source out of harm’s way. It should be in the Tarlaxian vaults. Tell them we’re on our way with a new member!”

“Belay that!” snapped Victor. “You lot still owe me an explanation as to why you decided it was a good idea to keep Megumi’s emotional collapse a secret!”

“…Pardon?” asked Dell. I sighed.

“During our first trip through the multiverse,” I explained, “we kept information about the enemy from our new allies, Wyldstyle included. When it was revealed that the one who gathered us MEANT for them to be with us, Megumi realized her mistake and had an emotional breakdown at her mistake. We kept it from our recent additions to the team because we didn’t want their views of us tainted. …But we still tainted them anyways.”

“Yeah, you did,” remarked Victor.

“Victor, I’m sorry,” I sighed. “The majority vote was that we wouldn’t tell you. We thought we were doing this for the greater good. …That was the first mistake, thinking we were doing this for ANY kind of good. I understand if you want to leave us.”

“I appreciate that, I really do,” muttered Victor. “Maybe…maybe we need a little more forgiveness here. A little more compassion than hatred. It’s just…why did you vote on this in the first place?”

“I raised the issue, saying that it would turn away any potential new members,” replied Emmanuel. “We debated and then voted.” Pup-X5 raised his hand, indicating he had something to say.

“Apparently,” read his tablet, “your arguments swayed Richard.”

“…No, they didn’t,” I replied. “I voted no.”

“…No, you didn’t,” argued Pup-X5.

“Yes, I did!” I insisted. “You can see that I voted no!”

“No, it says you voted yes!” replied Pup-X5. He displayed the results and they baffled me.

“Okay, I KNOW Emily voted no!” I declared.

“Something seems screwy with your voting,” mused Victor. “We need to check this out.”

“‘We’?” I repeated.

“I’m still mad at you all,” replied Victor, “but it looks like someone wants to drive a wedge into us. We need to settle this before I make any decision.”

“All right,” I declared. “Pup-X5, get us home.”

Richard’s team arrived after telling us what happened in the universe he and his team went to and we told him the news about the Rose clone and the Doctor’s involvement. “We’re coming up with nothing,” I explained as I held my crown in my hand. “The Doctor is unavailable to help right now, she’s busy trying to figure out why she’s forgetting an adventure.”

“Did Emily find anything?” asked Richard.

“She DID find something chemical in her,” I explained, “but that’s probably part of Gallifreyan biology.” At that point, the Doctor approached us. She was fanning herself with her hand.

“Could someone lower the heat?” she griped. “Far above what Time Lords are used to!” She then noticed something. “Wait, shouldn’t you be fanning yourselves as well? It IS 41.8⁰C.” (107.3⁰F)

“No, it’s a comfortable 23.8⁰C,” (75⁰F) I argued. The Doctor then seemed to let her attention get grabbed elsewhere.

“…I think my right heart is ARRGH!” She then doubled over in pain, clutching her chest at her right heart. “I’ve been poisoned!” she gasped. She then ran off for the cafeteria. We followed to find her grabbing Michael by the shoulders. “Ginger beer!” she gasped.

“Doctor!” protested Michael, presuming that to be the insult version of the phrase.

“I need ginger beer!” explained the Doctor. Michael hurried off and replicated the drink. The Doctor guzzled it down.

“Doctor, what’s going on?!” yelped Michael. “You’re acting like you need to go through detox!”

“Protein!” called the Doctor.

“Will walnuts do again?” sighed Michael.

“Doctor, how are any of this gonna stop whatever poison’s inside you?!” I protested.

“Wait, the Doctor’s poisoned?!” yelped Michael. He hurried along replicating walnuts and handed them to the Doctor who greedily devoured them. She then mimed shaking something.

“I can’t understand!” I yelped as Michael was trying to replicate something else. However, his panic was making his fingers make mistakes. The Doctor held up one finger. “One word. Shake, shake,” I floundered. “Milk shake? No, not milk, cocktail shake! What do you want, an orange screwdriver?!”

“ORANGE SCREWDRIVER?!” protested the Doctor when she finally swallowed the walnuts.

“WELL, I DON’T KNOW!” I shouted back.

“HOW IS ‘ORANGE SCREWDRIVER’ ONE WORD?!” continued the Doctor.

“She was miming salt!” called Michael as he got the desired dish. “She needs something salty!”

“What is that?!” I yelped.

“Anchovies!” replied Michael.

“Brilliant!” praised the Doctor as she scarfed down the anchovies.

“Why not just salt?!” I asked.

“That’s too salty!” answered Michael as he tried replicating something else. The Doctor finished off her anchovies and mimed a flash with her hands.

“A song?!” I guessed. “Er, I don’t know! ‘Turkey in the Straw’?!”

“‘TURKEY IN THE STRAW’?!” protested both Michael and the Doctor.

“Oh, all right, ‘American Pie’!” I snapped.

“Doctor!” called Michael when he finished with the replicator. “Close your eyes and pucker your lips!” The Doctor did so and Michael held a piece of paper to her lips. The Doctor felt the taste of paper on her lips and opened her eyes, yelping in surprise at seeing whatever was on the paper and jumping back before leaning back, opening her mouth, and letting something smoky come out. The smoke cleared and the Doctor leaned on the table before regaining her strength and standing upright to glare at Michael.

“Dearest Michael,” she hissed, “when I’m going through detox and ask for a shock, just get a defibrillator! Do not, under any circumstances, make me kiss A PICTURE OF BLOODY DAVROS!”

“Detox?” I asked. “Time Lords can get rid of poison?”

“Not every poison, just certain poisons,” explained the Doctor. “Especially THAT poison used on me. It’s Sparxotylin, a Time Lord developed poison that inhibits certain memories, especially the memory of being injected with the stuff. Lasts a long time, even throughout regenerations, before it starts to kill the Time Lord.”

“When were you poisoned?” I asked.

“Just before I was imprisoned within my confession dial,” replied the Doctor.

“The Time Lords poisoned you before imprisoning you?!” snapped Michael. “Your own people?!”

“So, this ISN’T connected to the Rose clone?” I asked.

“No, it isn’t,” replied the Doctor.

Categories
Kamen Rider Vortex Kamen Rider Vortex Chapters

Chapter 10

Once he and Turretorg were retrieved, the Joker spoke to Lord Vortech back on Foundation Prime as he had an ice pack on his head. “And then they stole this shiny thing I found!” he reported.

“Chance meetings and setbacks to your petty pilfering do not concern me,” dismissed Vortech. He pulled out the nuclear rod. “We have the Foundation Element, that is all that matters.”

“Trust me,” warned the Joker, “if you underestimate the Crêped Crusader, you’ll end up getting battered!”

“Like yourself?” snickered Hiro. The Joker growled. Hiro poured himself a glass of wine. “A toast, to a successful mission,” praised Hiro.

“Maybe the rest of us would celebrate,” snarled an angry, male voice, “if we didn’t suffer!” A Japanese man strode up in a black suit with black armor, a gold eagle for a belt buckle, a black cape with a green interior, a gold right hand and left pincer claw, and an elaborate gold and black headdress covering the head aside from the face, making him look like a pharaoh of Egypt, and gold moth antennae on top. He carried a red whip and was flanked by Shocker Combatmen. This was the current leader of Shocker, Ambassador Hell. “Just look at what they’ve done to us!” snarled Ambassador Hell.

“Spare us the melodramatics, Ambassador Hell,” Vortech waved off. “Hiro’s right about the mission being a success.”

“This isn’t about success or failure of a mission!” protested Ambassador Hell. “The Vortexons and the Joker’s minions are creating dissension among the ranks of Shocker! These savages are a threat to this whole operation! They should be confined, restrained even!” He was punched in the face by Turretorg.

“You could not produce a restraint strong enough to hold us Vortexons!” it boasted. It turned to Hiro and Vortech. “In any case, my lords, Comms-Op is receiving a call from Dimension K-A-M-3-N-R-1-D-3-R.

“What is their reason for calling us?” asked Ambassador Hell.

“How did they even get this dimension?!” asked Vortech as he handed the nuclear rod to a Vortexon.

“Unclear, Lord Vortech,” reported Turretorg. “All we can glean is that the caller will only speak to Hiro.”

“Me?” yelped Hiro.

“They requested you by name, my lord,” confirmed Turretorg.

“Patch it here,” ordered Hiro.

“I pledge obedience,” saluted Turretorg. It fiddled with a machine which made a giant view-screen come out of the floor.

“This is Hiro Adachi, Kamen Rider Rogue,” demanded Hiro. “State your business or face destruction.”

“Hiro-san, now really,” purred a feminine voice, “is that any way to address your lover?” A Japanese woman appeared on the screen. She wore a white lab coat with a red arm band on the left arm, a woman’s business suit, with pants, short, black hair, and was flanked by Shocker Combatmen. These had the skeletal motif made in raised silver and had armor on the suits.

“Igura!” cheered Hiro as a smile appeared on his face. “I heard from Ambassador Hell that you were dead!”

“I was,” confirmed Igura, “but I had some help in coming back. Sadly, Urga and Buffal weren’t so lucky.” She heard a snicker and saw Ambassador Hell with a look of amusement on his face. “I’m glad to see that my allies’ permanent death causes amusement for you,” hissed Igura.

“Oh, you misjudge me,” countered Ambassador Hell as he sobered up. “I shall miss them deeply. They were worthy adversaries. In any case, why are you calling?”

“Can you get the person creating portals to send one to my base?” asked Igura.

“Of course, my dear,” obliged Vortech. “Bring your minions as well.”

“Thank you,” said a grateful Igura as she bowed. The transmission ended as a portal opened to let the last remnant of Shocker Nova onto Foundation Prime. Igura broke into a sprint and gave Hiro a hug which he reciprocated. Ambassador Hell rolled his eyes.

“Is that jealousy I detect, Ambassador?” mused Hiro.

“Hiro,” purred Igura, “my men need access to your database. Could we use it?” She gave a sweet smile.

“Absolutely not, traitor!” hissed Ambassador Hell. Igura and Hiro rolled their eyes as they broke their embrace and glared at Ambassador Hell. “That database is for Shocker use only! Traitors like you…”

“What our old boss, Damon, meant, Igura-chan,” interrupted Hiro, “is that our entire database is open to Shocker Nova. Feel free to use it at your leisure, my sweet eagle.” He kissed Igura’s hand.

“Flatterer,” complimented Igura as she walked off to a terminal with a smile on her face.

“Surely, you don’t mean that?!” protested Ambassador Hell. “How did you even know my real name?!”

“That’s unimportant,” dismissed Hiro. “What IS important is that I was most sincere when Igura could use our entire database at her leisure.”

“It builds trust, you see,” supplied Vortech.

“They don’t need to know every single detail about our military operations!” protested Ambassador Hell.

“The decision has already been made,” shrugged Vortech. “In fact, I’ve seen how effective the Nova Combatmen have proven, so from now on, whatever decision you make about Shocker must be submitted to Igura for approval and, if approved, she will submit it to me either in person or through Hiro.”

“That will NOT happen!” declared Ambassador Hell. The tension could be cut with a knife. Vortech then used his powers to lift Ambassador Hell into the air and throw him into the wall. Hiro then walked over to the Shocker Leader.

“I trust that was an unguarded emotional comment,” he whispered, “so I will convince Vortech to ignore it THIS time. Make plans to do exactly as you’re told or I will have you move for practice six feet underground!” Hiro stormed off to help Igura with access to the database while Ambassador Hell looked onwards. “Now,” said Hiro to the Joker as he moved towards the terminal, “where’s the robot? I had it modified to use the Keystone for your use.”

“And a keystone is…?” ventured the Joker.

“Purple shield thing?” explained Hiro, hoping the Joker would catch on.

“Oh, the shiny thing Batman took!” exclaimed the Joker with a grin.

“Wait a sec,” gulped Hiro as his smile turned into a warning one, “is that what really happened, or a joke?”

“That’s what happened,” explained the Joker, unaware of the now dangerous position he was in.

“What a terrible joke,” whispered Hiro.

“I told you, it wasn’t a…” the Joker was interrupted.

“You allowed the Vortex Riders to take the Chroma Keystone?!” snarled Hiro. “DO YOU HAVE ANY NOTION OF THE CONSEQUENCES OF YOUR BLUNDER?!”

“Wait a sec,” yelped the Joker, “we have the Foundation Element. I don’t see why…”

“I DON’T CARE ABOUT SOME TRINKET!” roared Hiro. “My daughter and her little band have a color activated Keystone, meaning any and all Chroma-locks are under their control!”

“Daughter?” quizzed Igura. Hiro slightly relaxed.

“How about I tell you what happened in my absence from Shocker,” he offered as he turned and led Igura away.

Meanwhile, we had arrived back on Vorton. Lord Business massaged his rear. “That could have gone a little more smoothly,” he said. A portal opened back to his home dimension. “I believe that’s my ride,” said Lord Business. “Well, it’s been fun, but I have some reconstruction to do. Oh, before I go,” he handed us a bag of studs, “I believe the total should be 160,000 studs. Bye bye!” He stepped into the portal and it disappeared

“There it is, the Chroma Keystone!” exclaimed the voice. “Now we’re talking!”

“Let’s see what this one can do,” mused Batman. “Chroma Keystone, activate!”

“Incorrect Keystone request,” reported Batman’s gauntlet.

“What?!” snapped Batman.

“I guess you can only use the Shift Keystone,” I guessed.

“Then who’s using the Chroma Keystone?” asked Emily as the Keystone attached itself above the Shift Keystone.

+GATEWAY 40% STABILIZED+ reported my belt. +MINIMAL SECURITY MEASURES ONLINE+

“We won’t be blindsided then,” sighed Emily in relief.

+ALERT+ called my belt. +UNKNOWN PRESENCE DETECTED IN CAFETERIA+

“You were saying?!” I hissed as I drew my sword. We all flew down to the cafeteria. The doors were closed. “On three, we swarm the place,” I directed, “Ichi! Ni! SAN!” We burst in and spread out to give ourselves cover. What we saw just…wasn’t possible! There, holding a small glass of water, in all of her green skinned- black wearing, pointy hatted glory, was the Wicked Witch of the West! She saw us and gave a smirk.

“Red alert,” she joked. She then drank the contents of the glass! My eyes widened. Surprisingly, she wasn’t dissolving and squawking “Oh, what a world! What a world!” As she finished, she licked her lips and sighed. “You know,” she mused, “long before I was a Wicked Witch, I used to drink this religiously. I missed that part of my past. Of course, that was negligible as I had better things to do than try and find a cure to my old water allergy, like conquering Oz.”

“Up to your old tricks?” asked Emily.

“I haven’t the vaguest notion of doing so at this point in time, Rosie” dismissed the Witch, making a reference to Emily’s dress, “considering that there’s something greater going on. I need to destroy it before it destroys me. But, that’s rather hard for me to do. I no longer have any magic! I was hoping to go into business with your wizard.”

“My dear lady,” protested Gandalf, “you gave us magic folk a bad name! Couldn’t you have toned the wickedness down a tad?”

“I don’t know,” purred the Witch, “I found good to be dumb.” She then saw my expression. “You don’t believe me. Do you really think I would humiliate myself like this?”

“When it serves,” replied Emily.

“It’s the truth!” insisted the Witch. “What you see before you is a defrocked Elphaba Thropp, condemned to live out her days as a normal person!”

“The question of whether or not you have magic is irrelevant,” I dismissed. “The question of your return to life, however, I would like answered.”

“As would I,” replied Elphaba. “Last time I saw you, I was melting away in my observatory. The next thing I knew, I woke up, screaming in the dimensional vortex. After that, I ended up here. That’s all I know.”

“What do you want?” I asked.

“Your compassion,” explained Elphaba. Need I describe how I felt about that? “All right,” Elphaba tried again, “sanctuary on Vorton, dreary as it is for all parties concerned.”

“Get on that broomstick of yours and get out!” I demanded.

“I have no powers!” protested Elphaba. “You look upon Elphaba Thropp, the ordinary!”

“Elphaba the Tyrant!” I argued. “Elphaba the Conqueror!”

“Elphaba the Miserable!” Elphaba argued back. “Elphaba the Desperate! What must I do to convince you?!”

“Take a swim,” suggested Batman.

“Oh, very clever, you poor excuse of a winged monkey,” snarked Elphaba. “Eat any good books lately?”

“For the last time, I’m a bat!” snarled Batman. “Not a dog! Not a brat! And I’m CERTAINLY not one of your Flying Monkeys!”

“You wish for compassion? Sanctuary?” I asked.

“Yes,” confirmed Elphaba.

“Hongo-san, Duke Emmanuel, Dame Emily,” I directed, “have the computer help put Elphaba in the brig.” A grin crossed Emily’s face.

“Delighted, Your Highness,” she chuckled.

“You can’t do this to me!” protested Elphaba. Emily then grabbed her by the shoulder, digging her nails into it.

“You will walk,” ordered Emily as a blue path lit up for her, “or I will carry you.” Emmanuel was holding the door open while Hongo directed them to leave with is hand and a smile.

“…Given the option,” mused Elphaba, “I’ll walk.” With Emily’s hand still firmly on Elphaba’s shoulder, the group was led to the brig. Emily picked out the cell wand led the boys back up to the cafeteria. We decided to have lunch while we pondered our options.

“If she can drink water,” guessed Irina, “splashing her in the night won’t do the trick.”

“I hate to pander to a stereotype of a manner-driven culture like most Southern states,” replied Richard, “but I fail to see the honor in killing her.”

“I fail to see the honor in letting her live,” argued Lukas. “She has proven unrepentant.”

“Her comments have demonstrated that fact,” I granted, “but Mom always said that mercy is the greatest weapon of all time.”

“She usually follows up with a warning to the effect of mercy being misused!” argued Hiroki.

“When it comes to killing,” I countered. “If we kill her, who are we being merciful to?”

“The multiverse,” replied Xiomara.

“Too vague,” countered Batman.

“I’m not exactly wild about her coming back,” agreed Wyldstyle, “but there are other ways to deal with her.”

“If she stays,” argued Michael, “we’ll probably have two messes to contend with instead of just one.”

“I say we listen to Megumi,” suggested Gandalf.

“You cannot be serious!” protested Hiroki.

“If we kill her when she didn’t make any threatening moves against us or the multiverse,” explained Gandalf, “we would prove ourselves as low as the enemy.”

“You’ve killed people before!” argued Hiroki. Probably not the brightest thing to say.

“I gave them a chance to back off before I attacked,” hissed Gandalf with a hint of anger. “I never kill unless it’s the last resort!”

“Someone, talk some sense into him!” cried Hiroki.

“He speaks sense,” argued Mikhail. “There is no need to kill Elphaba.”

“Really?!” snapped Irina. “My younger brother decides to let a known threat live?!”

“She has made no move to attack us,” countered Mikhail. “I say we observe her. If she makes a move against us, all bets are off and she dies. If not, she may prove valuable.”

“Her magic is impressive,” observed Tanisha. “I agree with Mikhail.”

“As do I,” called Emily as she, Hongo, and Emmanuel reentered the cafeteria. “She had given us valuable info on operations in Oz. Once she helped us, she could only do a simple levitation spell. Her story on once being powerless checks out.”

“And you three are just taking her word for it?!” yelped Haitao.

“Of course not,” replied Emmanuel. “Lie detectors line the cells in the brig. It proves useful for interrogation.”

“And on a side note, her compliment on my and Emmanuel’s dresses proved sincere,” supplied Emily.

“Much as I want to rehabilitate her,” argued Richard, “we’ll need more proof than a compliment on your clothes!”

“Then she stays alive so we get that proof,” I said with a tone of finality.

“Nee-san, please!” protested Hiroki.

“Your princess has made her decision!” I declared. “Killing Elphaba in any way, shape, or form is out! Am I clear?” Silence permeated the room. “Good.” I said. “Now, let’s get our meals. Bring one to Elphaba.”

“I’ll bring it to her,” volunteered Emily. Elphaba’s meal was a chicken breast with broccoli. As we ate, Emily eating with our prisoner, the debate ran through my mind. Throughout the journey, I was hellbent on killing Hiro. Looking back, that might be an escape for REAL justice for him and his allies. I started mulling over options on keeping him confined for life. Hongo’s right, killing someone should always be a last resort. We then finished our meals, took our showers, and then headed for bed.

Back in the Simpsons world, Death had arrived at a house. She knocked on the door to reveal a girl in stereotypical goth clothing. “Pardon me,” whispered Death, “may I have a moment of your time, Ms. Lacey?”

“Sure,” agreed the girl, Lacey. Death was let in. “What are you doing here? Business as usual? Am I your client?”

“Hardly,” replied Death. “I’ve been away on a long journey and saw something…peculiar.”

“It’s that sword you gave Mom,” guessed Lacey. “That stupid looking thing that you told her never to touch.”

“Your mother’s ‘stupid’ sword?” asked Death as she sat down. “The one that feels ‘wrong’ to you?” She held out her hand. “Give it to me.”

“Give you the sword?” quizzed Lacey.

“For a moment only,” whispered Death. Lacey got the sword down from the mantelpiece. It was a broadsword in a black scabbard with a silver handle and guard. “Can you see any markings on it?” asked Death.

“No,” answered Lacey. “Kind of plain, if you ask me.”

“How about now?” asked Death as she casually tossed the sword into the fire. Lacey gasped and rushed towards it only to be held back by her visitor. “Wait!” hissed Death. “Do you desire it so much?”

“…N…no!” stammered Lacey. “But why burn it?!”

“Because I had unwittingly given your mother a fragment of the enemy’s power!” explained Death as her whispering voice went up a fragment. “It will corrupt and destroy any who have it until he or she passes under the enemy’s power. Named after the enemy’s desire for a perfect world, this was called the Foundation Saber!”

“That isn’t how Mom kept her appointment with you, is it?!” gulped Lacey, getting frantic.

“No, she is still safe from the enemy,” assured Death, “but you are in danger!” Death then picked up the sword from the fire. Much like the One Ring, the sword was unharmed. Death tossed it to Lacey, who instinctively caught it. She was surprised at the temperature. “Reveal part of the blade,” instructed Death. Lacey blinked, but obeyed. Instead of metal, the blade seemed to be made of solid space.

“It was metal before, I swear it!” declared Lacey.

“Oh no, this is the Foundation Saber’s natural state,” whispered Death as she took the sword back. “Stay here. I must take it and seek out War, the one who was duped into making this thing.”

“Be safe,” called Lacey. Death left the house with the sword, mounted her white horse, and charged off into a portal of her own design.

Categories
Kamen Rider Vortex Kamen Rider Vortex Chapters

Chapter 9

Homer was asleep at his post, the nuclear rod in his butt. He tossed and turned. “It’s not selling out!” he yelped. “It’s co-branding! Co-branding!” I’m surprised he slept through the crash. In any case, we picked ourselves up out of the wreckage.

“What do you suppose these infernal contraptions want here?” asked Gandalf as he brushed himself off.

“And why are there rivers of glowing green ooze flowing all around this place?” quizzed Hongo, a little worried.

“I wouldn’t worry,” assured Richard. “This thing gets reactor leaks all the time and the radiation doesn’t bother the residents.”

“They’re probably used to it!” I yelped. “We, on the other hand, aren’t!”

+THIS UNIT WOULD RECOMMEND WEARING YOUR ARMOR IF YOU’RE SO CONCERNED+ suggested my belt.

“Good idea!” I agreed. “But what about Gandalf, Wyldstyle, and Batman?”

“Never mind us,” assured Batman as we said Henshin and put our suits on. “If we don’t go anywhere near anything radioactive, we should be good. Wyldstyle, your scanner.”

“There’s something at the other end of the plant,” reported Wyldstyle, “maybe the Keystone?”

“Let’s check it out,” called Batman. We went across a catwalk to a locked room with a dial that clearly wasn’t set to keep the steam from leaking. Homer had finally woken up and was apparently informed of the steam leaks somehow. The intercom was still on, so we heard what he was saying.

“What do I do?!” he wailed. “What do I do?!” He even had the instructions in his hands! Even then, he just fiddled with random controls! After a few button presses, he looked back at the book. “All right, brain,” he encouraged said organ, “it’s all up to you!” He read aloud, “check core temperature.” I figured that there was no way he’d screw that up. Too much to hope for. He fiddled with more controls and then went to a black button. “I just press this button…” in reality, no, he shouldn’t have. That button made the steam pipes burst, causing the bridge over a vat of nuclear waste to collapse, and eliciting a “D’oh!” from Homer.

“I get the feeling this guy isn’t quite up to speed on nuclear safety,” muttered Wyldstyle. She then saw some parts. “Hey, Swing, Claw, help me out!”

“If you’re sure,” shrugged Claw. They swapped out their i.d tags for the Wyldstyle one. Once Wyldstyle Steel was activated, they started building a claw that was rolled up with a grapple hook. Batman pulled it with the grapple gun, switching it on and sending a Keystone Transmitter near us from the waste.

“That helps,” called Batman. “Shift Keystone, Activate! Cyan, near the wall outside the window! Yellow, inside top level! Magenta, inside bottom level! Shift! Ichigō! Magenta! Shift! Royal! Yellow!” Ichigō and I went to our respective places. The steam from the pipes in my area blocked my progress. Batman told Ichigō to turn the valve in his area. He did so, thus lowering the pressure so the steam won’t block my path. I then signed to Batman asking if I should go and pull the lever at the end of my area. He gave me the thumbs up and so I pulled the lever. It drained away some of the waste so it could reveal the remains of the bridge. “Shift! Ichigō! Cyan! Shift! Royal! Cyan!” We came out through the cyan portal. Thank goodness. We crossed the bridge, with Arch, Lukas, and I carrying Batman, Gandalf, and Wyldstyle, much to Batman’s annoyance, and saw a guy in a green business suit with an extended upper lip, liver spots on top of his head, and a scheming look to his eyes, and named, I believe, Mr. Burns, take down the zero on the billboard that indicated the days without an accident. It went from zero…to…three?! This whole thing isn’t an accident?!

“Um, excuse me?! Hello?! Thank you?!” yelped Touché. She only says that when something that defies logic happens or when someone says something incredibly dumb. Mr. Burns then turned the billboard that indicated the…days without an otherworldly invasion?! Apparently, it was three hundred twenty-three days without such an occurrence before this one. Mr. Burns changed it to zero, sighed while shaking his head, and walked out slowly. Meanwhile, we were running on a conveyor belt with a bunch of barrels coming out and almost squashing us. We managed to get to the other side when we heard Homer speak.

“Vent radioactive gas? N-O,” he said to himself.

“Homer,” I shrieked internally as I saw people in hazmat suits trying to escape, “anata wa bakada!” (you are an idiot!)

“Homer, you genius!” praised Homer to himself.

“Why is this guy in charge of safety?!” asked Wyldstyle. “He couldn’t cross the road!”

“We need to get across to save those people,” I resolved. The main problem with that was that there were massive covered vents in our way. We could easily reach the first vent, but the second and last were too tall for us to reach, well, maybe not Ichigō, but the rest of us aren’t…wait a minute, that’s it! “Wyldstyle!” I shouted. “Wall jump up there! I think the controls to make this easier are over there!”

“What?” yelped Wyldstyle.

“Just trust me!” I assured. Wyldstyle shrugged as she did as I requested. She found the controls and pulled a lever down. Some steam raised the cover of a vent at different intervals. She got the idea and pulled the other levers. There wasn’t an exact pattern to when the platforms raised, but that was unimportant. Clash then leapt up and landed on a vent cover when it went down. She was then lifted by the steam and raised to another platform. After a few jumps, she gave the thumbs up that our weight would be supported if we went one at a time. I wish she didn’t do that. She’s too valuable to me. We all made it to the other side and heard Homer speak.

“This is my chance to show everyone how professional I am!” he cheered. He then ran around his seat, smashed his fists on the buttons, then banged his head once, then went to sleep! Those actions resulted in a power generator holding door locks to malfunction and release the door latch. Barrels then came out of the door and onto a conveyor belt. They were then put right-side up and put under squashers. Thankfully, that wasn’t our problem at the moment. We had to get the people trapped in the gas out. Ichigō and I punched the glass, got our hands, and opened it from the other side. The people got out as we got something to block the door. Once that was done, we realized our only path was through the squashers. The controls were inside a locked room. Batman’s gauntlet light started glowing green. We looked all around until Gandalf lit up a room in total darkness in a lower level. We brought the transmitter into the light, giving Batman his Keystone Powers.

“Shift Keystone, activate!” he announced. “Magenta, on white panel inside room! Cyan, on scaffolding! Yellow, on the raised platform!”

“Oh yes?” asked Battle. “You’re just going to put the portal on a white panel?”

“Yes,” confirmed Batman.

“On a lower level panel?” quizzed Battle.

“Yes,” replied Batman.

“And people are supposed to reach the controls that way?” asked Battle.

“Yes,” sighed Batman, annoyed.

“…How?” asked Battle. Batman opened his mouth when he realized he was too eager to place portals.

“Batman, you may need me on the scaffolding,” said Gandalf. “The way I see things, there are two components that relate to the door over there. It seems locked for the person that goes in the magenta portal. However, if I were to undo the power that holds the door and transfer to the yellow portal, thus putting me on the platform, I can push something down to Madam Wyldstyle and she can build something to get that panel at a higher elevation.”

“Good idea,” I praised. “Batman, if you please?”

“Shift! Gandalf! Cyan!” announced Batman. Gandalf ended up on the scaffolding, undid the components, unlocking the door for the room and shutting the door that was spewing barrels under the crusher. He was then transferred to the yellow portal and shoved a crate off. Wyldstyle used the parts to build a giant joystick. Battle had changed into Gandalf steel and used magic to move the panel to the upper level. “Shift! Ichigō Gandalf! Wyldstyle! Outback! Hunt! Claw! Swing! Clash! Climb! Gallop! Sengoku! Royal! Guard! Touché! Zhànshì! Arch! Kämpfer! Seeker! Battle! Batman! Magenta!” called Batman, trying a different approach. Tedious, yes, but it worked. We went through the portal and walked along the conveyor belt to end up in front of a hallway with a security camera. I saw the door controls and figured I’d just waltz up and use them. My arrogance proved me wrong as the door controls locked at the sight of me. I turned on my heel and walked back.

“Any suggestions?” I asked, open to ideas.

“Allow me,” replied Batman. He then pulled his cape in front of his face and started going transparent. He went down the hall, fiddled with the controls and deactivated the camera and door locks. That door led to an area filled with toxic waste and a bunch of Micro-managers trying to yank something out of the wall, their boss, I assume, given that it spoke. He was a man in a gray business suit, had an elaborate red and black headdress with a red coffee cup on each side, a chest plate in black with shoulder pads and a red tie in the middle, a long red cape, and black boots with red light up sections that alter his height according to his whims. Judging by the look on Wyldstyle’s face, I’d say it was a certain business lord she’s been on the run from in the past.

“So,” asked the man, “what I’m saying is, why didn’t you just cut a bigger hole?!”

“Just wasn’t in the budget,” joked Rogue’s voice. The business lord didn’t appreciate the joke as Rogue walked in, laughing at the man’s predicament. The business man was the pulled out by the Micro-managers and set upright.

“Lord Business!” hissed Wyldstyle.

“Wyldstyle?” exclaimed Lord Business. “It WAS you meddling!”

“This is impossible!” snapped Wyldstyle. “You were about to graduate from the Master Builder Academy! Why are you up to your old tricks?!”

“Hey, I’d love to catch up,” replied Lord Business, “but I have to grab something and then destroy you and your friends. Mmkay? Mmkay.”

“Short, and to the point,” praised Rogue. “I like that. How about an assist for you? The element’s up there in that man’s hands!” He pointed to Homer who was looking on from an observation window.

“Get the element!” Lord Business ordered his Micro-managers. One of them chased Homer throughout the facility.

“Ow! Hoo-hoo! Ow, my thingies!” screamed Homer. He was then brought into the room in the Micro-manager’s grip. He screamed for a bit, then realized he had a drumstick in his hand, the edible kind, chomped on it, then saw Lord Business and Rogue. “I’m not normally a praying man,” wailed Homer as the Micro-manager threw the drumstick into the ooze, dissolving the meat and leaving the bone, “but if you’re up there, please save me, Superman!” Batman visibly winced at this. Homer then got the wrong idea about Rogue and Lord Business. “Oh my gosh, space aliens! Don’t eat me! I have a wife and kids! Eat them!” He was then taken away.

“Right,” chuckled Lord Business, “that’s the grabbing done. Now, what was the other thing?” A wicked grin appeared on his face.

“You’re going nowhere with this plan!” I snarled.

“And who’s going to stop us, you?” asked Rogue.

“Well, it was nice of you guys to drop by,” said Lord Business, “but Rogue and I don’t have time to play. We’re a little busy.” Batman studied the area.

“Those toxic waste pumps look useful,” he mused, “IF we can get to them.”

“HIT THE DECK!” shouted Guard. As we ducked, a red laser beam swept over us, destroying a gold apparatus, revealing parts that Wyldstyle picked up with Master Builder vision. The laser beam terminated automatically, making Lord Business growl in frustration.

“Look,” he hissed, “this is a new gun, okay! It needs a little time to recharge, so my goons will distract you, all right?”

“Don’t tell them the plan!” snapped Rogue. He summoned Turretorg again.

“There you are!” snarled the monster as it fired on us. We had to dodge its weapons as it fired. Another gold apparatus was destroyed as we dodged shrapnel.

“Do you mind!” shouted Rogue. He swept the area with another laser, destroying the last gold apparatus. “Well, I can safely be called an idiot,” muttered Rogue.

“Darn right!” agreed Wyldstyle as she built a pump, pulled the lever, and spewed toxic waste at Lord Business. After he fell into the pool of the stuff, he got back up, destroyed the pump, and sent parts of the ceiling down on our heads! It destroyed the platform we were on, so we had to use the ceiling panels to stay out of the toxic waste. Lord Business got the gun working again, but we dodged the laser until it ran out of juice again. He grunted in frustration at this.

“Why are you so difficult?!” snarled Lord Business. “Just stay still and let me get you already!” As more of the SWAT-bots came back, Zhànshì activated Wyldstyle Steel, rebuilt the pump, and pumped more toxic waste onto Lord Business. He destroyed the thing again, but Batman saw a Keystone transmitter in the vicinity.

“Shift Keystone, activate!” he announced. “Cyan, on upper left platform! Yellow, on upper middle platform! Magenta, on upper right platform!”

“Really?” asked Lord Business. “It’s like you’re just asking me to attack you in lots of different and interesting ways!”

“If I may use the Cyan portal, please?” I asked Batman.

“Shift! Cyan! Royal!” announced Batman. I went into the portal and got to a control panel for a toxic waste pump.

“Let’s see,” I mused as I looked over the controls. My eyes stopped at a lever. It asked if I wanted to activate the pump. “Y-E-S,” I exclaimed as I pulled the lever. Green ooze spilled onto Lord Business. The flow automatically cut itself off.

“Do you mind?” protested Lord Business. “This is a new suit!”

“I see waste pump controls at the magenta portal!” called Guard.

“Shift! Guard! Magenta!” announced Batman. Guard was transported to the waste pump controls and pressed a button to activate it. More green ooze spilled onto Lord Business.

“We all know that toxic waste gives you awesome super powers,” called Turretorg as it plunged its hand into the stuff, “so you just keep on trying that. Thanks!”

“What are you doing?!” shouted Rogue. At that moment, Turretorg started glowing green. Sickeningly yellow claws appeared on its hands. Its eyes started glowing yellow as well.

“Now, I am Turretoxorg!” announced the new monster. His bullets were like acid as it started melting the metal of the walls!

“Shift! Arch! Yellow!” Arch was sent through the yellow portal, activated Batman Steel, and used the grapple gun to pull the end of a waste pump towards him. It unblocked the flow of waste as it spilled onto Lord Business. He managed to get away from the stuff and switched a walkie-talkie on.

“Tell him ‘It’s showtime!’” he ordered to his forces. Meanwhile, a Micro-manager was chasing Homer as he escaped its grip. He was climbing the walls, swimming in the waste, and hiding among us in funny glasses. He was then caught by a Micro-manager as he gripped the pipes while the black box tugged at his pants, trying to get the nuclear rod stuck in them. It managed to remove the pants and send the rod flying everywhere. It bounced on the Micro-manager and towards Gandalf who used his staff as a bat and hit the rod…right into Rogue’s hands.

“Look at that!” he gloated. “Right into my hand!” Homer was distracted in the meantime.

“Hey! Get your own pants!” shouted the head of the Simpson household before he covered his crotch and shuffled off in embarrassment.

“Hey, it’s been great seeing you catch up with your old friend Lord Business, Madam Wyldstyle,” called Rogue, “but I have somewhere less exploding to be.”

“What about me?” asked Lord Business.

“What about you?” asked Rogue as he took out a remote and pressed a button. Something sparked on the back of Lord Business’ neck. He then looked around the place and saw Wyldstyle.

“Oh, hey, Wyldstyle!” he said pleasantly. “What are you doing here? Er…where IS here, exactly?”

“Don’t even try to play dumb here!” snapped Guard.

“He’s not,” replied Rogue. He held up the remote he had used earlier. “I had originally suggested to my Shocker buddies that they use a mind control chip in your cybernetics, Hongo, but they felt the usual brainwashing methods were still valid.”

“Hey, you said you came to me with a business deal!” protested Lord Business.

“And look where that latent greed got you,” chuckled Turretoxorg. It turned to a Micro-manager. “You know what to do.” Rogue took that as his cue to leave while the Micro-manager advanced menacingly towards us. Turretoxorg made a swipe with its claws as the Micro-manager grabbed a batarang and grabbed the panel we were on. We tried to steady ourselves as Turretoxorg tried to shift the weight around. The Micro-manager took us all up to an ornate office with a model of Springfield inside. Judging by the statues, I’d say that it was Mr. Burns’ office. Gandalf straightened his hat as we looked around. Turretoxorg just looked at us.

“Aren’t you going to fight us?” I asked.

“Now how selfish do you think I am?” quizzed Turretoxorg. I shrugged, and then resigned myself to looking around. I clapped eyes on a strange machine with a Keystone on top. It seemed to have a cone on each end and had a design with a red square, a blue L-shape on the left, and a yellow reverse L-shape on the right. I saw three switches and tried very hard to resist the temptation to touch them. I failed miserably as I turned the machine on. The machine then generated three portals that seemed to suspend a paint blob each, one red, one yellow, and one blue.

“Okay, what’s the power of this Keystone?” I asked to myself. My belt apparently doesn’t pick up on rhetorical questions.

+THE KEYSTONE IS CALLED THE…+

“Okay, thank you,” I interrupted. “I’ll get an explanation later.” A cackle rang through the office.

“Oh no, not him!” moaned Batman.

“Roll up!” announced the voice. “Roll up and witness the hysterically hilarious, the riotously ridiculous, the marvelously mirthful…” a certain clown Batman knew too well slid on his knees on the desk. “…me!” He caught sight of the Dark Knight. “Well, if it isn’t my old pal, Batsy!”

“Joker!” hissed Batman.

“Ding-ding-ding!” replied the Joker. “One point to the Dork Knight!” He let out a laugh. “But, can you tell me what THIS is?” He started looking at a pocket watch as Batman glared at the Joker. Sengoku turned to Turretoxorg.

“I ain’t telling!’ it exclaimed. The pocket watch started ringing as the Joker made a buzzing noise

“Too late!” sniggered the Clown Prince of Crime. “My experts say it’s a power unit! So, let’s see if it’s got enough juice to wake up an old friend of yours, Bat-brain!” The room started trembling. “Ooo hoo hoo! I think it does!” said the Joker.

“Joker, what are you doing?!” rasped Batman.

“Is there a reason behind the Joker’s actions?!” asked Seeker. The Joker blew a kiss at us, then jumped out the window!

“While he’s getting Batman’s old friend prepped,” called Turretoxorg, “how about I summon some of yours, Hongo-san?” It pulled out a radio from a concealed pouch in its chest. “Come forth, Combatmen!” A bunch of men in black uniforms with a skeletal motif and a silver belt buckle with the symbol of an eagle holding Earth came out of the woodwork, literally! They came out of the walls and drew their machete like swords, surrounding us! They kept saying “Yee!” for some odd reason.

“Shocker!” exclaimed Ichigō.

“Let me guess, these are Shocker’s grunts,” theorized Touché.

“Yep,” confirmed Sengoku. “They prefer to attack en masse. You can guess their max strength from there.” The building started shaking again. This time, a giant metallic flower on the lapel of some robot passed by to reveal a mammoth sized metal version of the Joker’s face.

“Oh, not this again!” groaned Batman. “Duck!” A giant, green, four fingered hand grabbed the power unit and attached to the back of the robot the head was attached to. The Joker Robot then lifted the ceiling and a good chunk of the walls, which I believed to be impressive since the right arm was a massive cannon.

“Ready for round two?!” asked the Joker.

“More than ready,” hissed Batman.

“No catchphrases?” asked Turretoxorg.

“Oh, catchphrases?” called the Joker. “Let me hear them!”

“As you wish,” obliged Outback. “Kamen Rider Outback! Better watch your backs, mates!”

“Kamen Rider Claw! My weapons shall turn you into ribbons!”

“Kamen Rider Swing! I’ll be taking your legs!”

“Kamen Rider Hunt! I shall always get my prey!”

“Kamen Rider Clash! A duel with me shall end in your defeat!”

“Kamen Rider Climb! Mountains are a warrior’s best friend!”

“Kamen Rider Gallop! My riding skills are unmatched!”

“Kamen Rider Sengoku! You shall get a taste of Feudal Japan!”

“Kamen Rider Royal! Evil will ultimately bow to me!”

“Kamen Rider Guard! None shall harm my friends, family, and lady!”

“Kamen Rider Touché! En Garde, thing of evil!”

“Kamen Rider Zhànshì! Try and stop my quest!”

“Kamen Rider Arch! My skills outdo Robin Hood!”

“Kamen Rider Kämpfer! Your defeat will be certain at my hands!”

“Kamen Rider Seeker! It’s not gold I seek, but your end!”

“Kamen Rider Battle! For friends and family, I shall be victorious!”

“I am Gandalf the Gray! I shall weave a spell of defeat over you!”

“I’m Wyldstyle! And I am not a DJ!”

“I’m Batman! The Dark Knight rises!”

“I am the start of a group of warriors! I am Kamen Rider!”

“…That was long,” observed Turretoxorg. The robot then grabbed an I-beam and swung it at us. We got out of the way, but barely, what with the Shocker Combatmen something into the air. They turned out to be giant wind up teeth with the Joker’s goons and some strange beings made up of space. They were featureless and had no way to discern their gender. My belt started warbling in an alarming manner.

+VORTEXONS DETECTED!+ it warned.

“Oh, look!” cheered the Joker. “Everyone has come out to see me! Little old me! Too bad there’s no Keystone transmitter for you!”

“You want to bet, clown?!” snarled Batman. “Shift Keystone, activate! Cyan, on the cannon! Yellow, on top of the head! Magenta, on the left arm!”

“Hey, where did they come from?!” called Turretoxorg. It looked around and saw a transmitter near the cannon. “The enemy’s getting aid! Destroy the transmitter!”

“You guys protect the transmitter!” directed Batman. “The Joker’s mine! Hitting him will interrupt his sequence and do some damage, but he’s too far away unless that thing stays online!”

“Just try and hit me, Bratman!” boasted the Joker. “Chroma! Yellow! Joker!” The Joker then jumped into the yellow paint blob on the left arm and was covered in yellow paint.

“Shift! Batman! Magenta!” commanded Batman. He appeared in front of the Joker and attacked him, but the Joker seemed to laugh it off.

“Ah, the wonders of a Keystone!” cheered the Joker. “This baby has given me a very powerful shield, making me immune to enemy attacks!”

“Enemy attacks, eh?” mused Batman. “Shift! Shocker Minion! Magenta!” The Shocker Minion he was referring to was trying to make a flying chop with that blade of his before the magenta portal caught him.

“Yee!” he yelped before he appeared on the Joker Robot’s left arm. Batman used him as a club and made the Joker revert back to his, er, “normal” self.

“Hey!” protested the Joker. “Now that’s not very nice!”

“Yee! Yee!” said the Shocker minion as he smacked the Joker. The Joker threw him off, causing the poor mook to crack his skull when he hit the floor. He died on impact. A couple of Shocker minions saw this and started attacking the Joker’s goons. The Joker, in the meantime, had left a bomb that just spat out a flag that said “BOOM!” on it.

“Simple fix!” chuckled Batman as he rebuilt it to actually explode. Once he got clear, the bomb went off and destroyed the shoulder armor of the robot.

“That’s it!” declared Wyldstyle. “He’s weakening!” A Vortexon tried to jump her, but she kicked it into a Shocker minion’s backside. Soon, the Shocker minions were trying to get rid of the Vortexons and the Joker’s goons.

“WHAT ARE YOU IDIOTS DOING!” shouted Turretoxorg. It was then hit with eyebeams that came out of the Joker Robot’s optics, reverting it back to Turretorg. “WHAT’S THE IDEA!” it roared to the Joker.

“Don’t forget to go out with a smile!” called the Joker. More of his goons appeared. “Nice of you to come out and play!” praised their boss. This time, he saw the chaos with the minions. “HEY! CUT THAT OUT!” he shouted. “Chroma! Blue! Joker!” This time, he took a blue coloration.

“Shift! Batman! Turretorg! Cyan!” called Batman. Turretorg was taken by surprise.

“HELP!” it shouted as it was sucked in. Once they were on the cannon arm, Batman started taunting the Joker.

“Of all the unfunny jokes you’ve made, Joker, this has to be the worst!” taunted the Dark Knight. “How is this demonstrating that chaos is eternal? All I see is your ultimate defeat!”

“That’s it,” whispered Turretorg, “keep talking!” It swung a punch to the rear of Batman’s head, but the Dark Knight ducked, allowing the punch to hit the Joker, making him lose his color again.

“Will you just PLAY NICE!” shouted the Joker as he set another bomb. This time, Batman had a little trouble reconfiguring it to actually explode as Turretorg laid down suppressing fire.

“Shift! Kämpfer! Cyan!” called Batman. Kämpfer jumped in and took care of the bomb. It blew up, damaging the cannon arm’s armor. The robot the shot its eyebeams at us again.

“You know something,” hissed the Joker, “having a gun obsessed mole like you help me obtain the Keystone was bad comedy!”

“MOLE?!” roared Turretorg. “YOU’VE GOT A LOT OF NERVE, YOU COURT JESTER! I’LL BLOW A HOLE INTO YOUR STOMACH FOR THIS! VORTEXONS, SLAY THEM!” The Vortexons started overpowering Shocker and the Joker’s goons. “As for you,” it continued saying to the Joker, “it’s time for me to take control of this show!”

“It’s not a show without the Joker! That’s me by the way,” called the Joker. The flower on the robot’s lapel started spewing purple goo. I didn’t know what it was, but it felt toxic to me.

“This metal giant appears to have a strange contraption attached to it!” observed Gandalf as he attacked his foes with Glamdring. He was referring to something that had escaped my notice! It was next to the Keystone power unit and seemed to be patterned like a circuit board!

“I think that’s the robot’s brain!” I declared.

“Oops!” said the Joker. “Forgot to patch that! Chroma! Joker! Red!” He landed on the head to protect the brain.

“Not this time, clown!” called Batman. “Shift! Batman! Vortexon! Yellow!” Batman grabbed a Vortexon and jumped in, swinging the poor creature on the Joker. The Joker had lost his shield and set one last bomb. The Vortexon tried to keep Batman at bay but failed as he reconfigured it to explode. The brain was destroyed as the robot went to a standstill to expose the belly.

“Claw! Hunt!” exclaimed Ichigō. “With me!” They jumped into the air. “RIDER KICK!”

“RIDER CLAW KICK!”

“RIDER HUNT KICK!” The robot wobbled from the impact. It then proceeded to fall on its face! We got out of the way quickly. The minions of the enemy, not as lucky. The Joker popped out of the bloody wreckage with the Keystone in hand.

“Ooh, this looks valuable!” he cheered.

“MORON!” roared Turretorg as it punched the Joker. Batman was about to grab the Keystone, but the Joker brought out his tommy-gun. Batman backed off. The Joker got out his walkie-talkie.

“Hi,” he said, “I’m going to need a taxi from the roof of Springfield Nuclear Power Plant!”

“Add me to the list of passengers as well!” called Turretorg. A portal opened for the Joker and Turretorg.

“Oh, never mind,” laughed the Joker. “One’s here. Be seeing you around, Bat…” As he picked up the Keystone, Gandalf whacked the Joker with his staff and tripped up both the clown and Turretorg, making them fly into the vortex.

“I’ll be taking that, thank you!” snapped the grey wizard as he grabbed the Keystone. A portal opened for us. “Shall we?” asked Gandalf. I pressed the vehicle summon button to get Shadowfax, the Batmobile, the Cyclone, Wyldstyle’s bike, and the F.N.S’s horses. All riders then powered down and adopted our human forms.

“After you, good Sir Gandalf,” I said as I mounted my horse. Lord Business had caught up to us. He had apparently built himself a decontamination room and then converted it to a car. He explained that Shocker had kidnapped him after he was fooled by Hiro’s idea of a business negotiation and planted the mind-control chip on him when he was still in Octan Tower after getting his graduation invite. After accepting his request to join us until he could get home, we all boarded our vehicles and Gandalf led the charge out of Springfield. Thank goodness. I was going to enjoy a nice long bath to wash my entire body of this whole affair! I didn’t want to stay in Springfield a minute longer!