Category: Series 6

The Irken Armada was priming its weapons as error reports flooded the Massive. “…Okay, not going to lie, my sabotage WASN’T supposed to imperil the Earth,” said the Doctor. By then, Tysar and the Squid Sisters arrived.

“NOBODY MOVE!” demanded Callie as she raised her roller and Marie aimed her charger.

“What the-?! How did you three get here with weapons that fired ink instead of-?!” protested the Doctor. She then thought for a moment. “…Actually, here is probably the safest place for you three specifically.”

“Why, Doctor?” asked Tysar.

“Because her attempt to sabotage the Organic Sweep,” replied Gaz, “has actually set it so that the Earth would be space dust instead of the new food court planet we wanted.”

“So, Irkens, I’d say disregard Callie’s instructions on not moving, because we ALL need to move to stop the Organic Sweep,” said the Doctor.

“I’M the Tallest here! I’M the one that gives the orders!” snapped Zim. “…Everyone, help the Doctor fix the Organic Sweep!” Tools on spider-like limbs sprouted from Zim’s PAK. All Irkens and Gaz did the same as the Doctor pulled out her sonic screwdriver.

“We’ve got two minutes before the weapons open fire!” warned Dib.

“There’s not enough time for a full shutdown of the Organic Sweep!” yelped XIR.

“We’ll need to redirect the weapons fire!” replied the Doctor. “Gaz, Zim, can you two adjust the weapons angle by thirteen degrees?”

“That should be possible,” replied Zim.

“Adjusting now!” called Gaz.

“We’re also going to need to lower the intensity by 52%,” continued the Doctor.

“Let me take care of that!” replied Dib.

“One minute left!” warned XIR.

“New spatial coordinates confirmed!” called Zim.

“Intensity adjusted!” reported Dib. Zim grinned.

“Even with a malfunction, the inhabitants of Earth will surrender!” cackled Zim. Gaz smiled.

“You just prepared the Earth for our conquest, Doctor,” she said. She turned to XIR. “Begin planetary broadcast for after our weapons open fire.”

“Yes, Tallest Consort!” replied XIR.

“Doctor!” called Tysar.

“Steady now,” soothed the Doctor, crossing her fingers.

“Five, four, three, two, one! Firing sequence has begun!” called an Irken. …The Massive then rocked as it was hit with laser fire while it shot other ships in the Armada! From a distance, it looked like the Irken Armada was firing on itself. The weapons switched off as the alarms blared.

“REPORT!” ordered Zim.

“I don’t understand, Sir!” replied an Irken Engineer. “Those repairs we made should have made all weapons fire away from Earth but still light up their skies!”

“So why did we attack our own ships?!” demanded Gaz.

“I don’t know, Ma’am!” replied the Irken Engineer. “I’m getting malfunction reports from every deck of every ship!”

“Wait, where are our prisoners?!” called XIR. The Doctor, Dib, Tysar, and the Squid Sisters were gone! Zim snarled.

“They screwed everything up!” he snarled. “I want all hands to fix everything!” he ordered. “We’ll turn Earth into Foodcourtia II one way or-!”

“Sir, a teleporter to Earth was just activated!” called an Irken Security Officer. “Our prisoners got away!”

“Send out a-!” called Gaz.

“Alert!” called another Irken.

“WHAT NOW?!” shouted Gaz.

“Alien fleet incoming!” called the Irken. “Their weapons are primed and ready!”

“We’re being hailed!” alerted the Communications Irken.

“Put it through!” ordered Zim. The call went through.

“O Jo Blo Ro To Mo Co Fo Ro!” barked a voice.

Back on Earth, the Doctor listened in on the call. “The Judoon?! I thought the Wrarth Warriors were coming!” she grumbled.

“Who are the Judoon?” asked Callie.

“Thug police,” replied Dib. “I met them once in my time. Reminds me a lot of American Cops.”

“…I am SO sorry,” shuddered the Doctor.

“The Judoon are preparing to attack!” warned the Irken Communications Officer.

“We don’t have enough power for weapons!” called the Tactical Officer. “We can’t fight back!” Zim hated that he had to give such an order, but even HE could see how outmatched the Irken Armada was against the Judoon.

“…Withdraw,” he ordered. Everyone looked at him. Gaz didn’t bother, knowing that he was right. “…You heard your Tallest! Give all available power to the FTL drives and set course back to Irk! We’ll be slaughtered if we fight the Judoon! Any ship that falls behind is left behind! …Withdraw to Irk!”

On the screen the Doctor had wired up, everyone could see that the Irken Armada was fleeing the Judoon Fleet! The Judoon ships laid in a pursuit course and followed the Irken Armada! “YES!” cheered the Doctor. “And away they go!”

“Doctor, what did you do?” asked Tysar.

“I tampered with the Irkens’ firing systems a bit,” replied the Doctor. “In essence, I made their targeting computers think that the smaller objects were planets to be fired upon while the planet was the Irkens’ new mothership!”

“But you made it so that they’ll be able to fix their ships,” remarked Dib, recalling the intensity adjustment.

“Well, I didn’t want them dead,” replied the Doctor. “I needed them to see that a more capable fleet could take them on in their weakened state. They’re retreating back to Irk now…though I’d prefer it if the Wrarth Warriors were sent instead of the Judoon. That’s who I asked for during the initial sabotage.”

“So it was a trap, huh?” asked Callie. “And that’s why you wanted us here.”

“Well, turns out I overdid it during my first sabotage and didn’t calibrate properly,” said the Doctor, “so disobeying me actually saved your lives in the long run. …Just don’t make a habit out of it. …Now, Dib…I said this already, but…”

“I can’t go back,” replied Dib. “Yeah, I understand. …Oh well! I can teach the new present how we did things in UNIT and the Swollen Eyeball Network!” The Doctor smiled at his gusto!

“The galaxy at large will need your help, Dib Membrane!” she said. “Good luck!”

“You too, Doctor!” bid Dib. He then headed off.

“Hey, where are you going?!” called Tysar.

“Somewhere with humans, I’m guessing!” replied Dib as he turned a corner.

“…Are there-?” asked Tysar.

“They retook Alterna,” replied Callie. “We can direct him there.”

“We can’t, Callie,” reminded Marie. “Concert?”

“Oh, Squid! Yeah! Sorry, Doctor! We gotta go!” Callie rushed off to collect her bags.

“Thanks for saving the world again, Doctor,” said Marie as she followed Callie.

“…Well, with all that,” said the Doctor, “back to the TARDIS!”

The Doctor and Tysar had returned to the TARDIS and it was spinning through the Time Vortex. The Doctor was typing some queries into the console as Tysar reentered the console room. “Morning,” she said.

“Hm? Oh, morning,” replied the Doctor.

“…Doing late night research?” asked Tysar.

“I promised you that I’d find out if you make to New Davius or not,” answered the Doctor. “Even then, I can’t tell you the specifics, but-.” The console beeped. The Doctor parsed the results quickly, then smiled. “…As I said, no specifics, but all possible timelines indicate that you DO return to New Davius!”

“YES!” cheered Tysar. “…Wait, you said all possible timelines. Does that mean that…even the bad ones…?”

“Yes, even the bad ones,” confirmed the Doctor. “So, let’s just try and get as good a return for you as possible, hm?”

“Sounds good to me!” replied Tysar. “I’m going to make breakfast. You coming?”

“In a minute,” answered the Doctor. “I need to check with Gallifrey on the Grouping’s progress.”

“All right. See you then!” Tysar headed to the TARDIS kitchen as the Doctor placed her hands on the telepathic circuits.

“Doctor calling Gallifrey,” she said. “Doctor calling Gallifrey. Come in, Gallifrey. Do you read?” Stognav then appeared on the screen.

“Gallifrey receiving,” he said. “Doctor, how fares your personal travels?”

“Eh, you know, still dealing with the chronal surges,” replied the Doctor. “How goes any research?”

“We’ve stumbled across notes Tecteun left within the Matrix,” explained Stognav. “Doctor, I’m sorry to say that the Grouping will get worse before it gets better. Thanks to the Flux event you went through, there won’t be enough people to undo all of the damage done by chronal surges.” The Flux, that event always weighed heavily on the Doctor’s mind. She could still see that wave of anti-matter ripping through space and time and almost killing her favorite planet after successfully killing half the universe. She could still remember the Toymaker’s taunts on the subject. …And now Dib and Gaz’s timeline was permanently damaged, all because of Gaz choosing her hedonism over her planet.

“…Keep me posted, will you?” asked the Doctor as she sent all available data on the chronal surge she had to deal with.

“Will do,” replied Stognav. “Data received. We’ll be processing it. Gallifrey out.” The call ended and the Doctor sat down. The TARDIS beeped in concern for her pilot.

“…After putting my fourteenth incarnation in therapy on Earth with Donna,” mumbled the Doctor, “and yet it somehow haunts ME! …Unless he passed and his memories passed on to me.”

“Doctor!” called Tysar. “Breakfast!”

“…Food, yes, that might help,” muttered the Doctor to herself. She then got up. “Coming, Tysar!”

It was times like this that Dib wished Zim was still morbidly obese in Doomsville after finally learning the truth of his exile. Now things got so complicated. …Maybe the previous Tallest should have had Zim executed or at least put on trial. …Oh well, no point in the woulda-coulda-shouldas. Now he had to focus on getting out of his cell! He checked his pockets…and recalled that the Irkens had emptied his pockets before they interrogated him. “…Right, better see if there’s useful tech in-.” He then heard a noise outside his cell. “…Hello?!” he called aloud.

“Dib?! Dib Membrane?!” replied a woman’s voice.

“Yeah! I’m in here!” called Dib.

“One second!” said the woman’s voice. He then heard a familiar buzzing! The door opened and Dib saw the Doctor as she twirled her sonic screwdriver in her hand successfully. “Dib Membrane!” greeted the Doctor.

“…Doctor, is that you?” asked Dib.

“Count the hearts!” replied the Doctor as she removed her glove so Dib could feel her pulse. Dib checked and goggled, then sighed in relief.

“Your UNIT files told me you change your face often,” he said. “Your current appearance looks good!”

“Thank you!” bid the Doctor. “Now, we don’t have much time! I’m sure you’ve guessed where and when you are.”

“Yeah, Gaz took advantage of a chronal surge,” replied Dib. The Doctor arched an eyebrow.

“…Your sister? Why?” she asked.

“She hates the human race with a passion!” replied Dib. “She’s sold out Earth just so she could have endless video game time and pizza!”

“…She’s the Tallest Consort, isn’t she?” guessed the Doctor. “I always knew an alien would be to Zim what the previous two Tallest were to each other. They’ll both fall into hedonism!”

“Doctor, Gaz is ready to start the Organic Sweep!”

“Well, good thing I’m here, then!” The Doctor found a control console and began her work.

“…Can we go back?” asked Dib. The Doctor paused her work.

“…I’m sorry,” she said, “but your disappearance was recorded and…you were never found again in your home time. You…you can’t go back, otherwise it will damage time.” Dib sighed.

“Oh well, worth a shot.”

Back with Zim and Gaz, Gaz was waking up from anesthesia. “…Did you really have to put me to sleep?” she grumbled.

“When adult Irkens are implanted with a PAK,” explained Zim, “the process is painful. Believe me, the pain would have corrupted the computer systems in the PAK. Now, once you’re recovered, a test is needed. Just to make sure it’s properly working. We’ll start with the legs. Just think of you growing extra arthropod legs out of your back.” Gaz concentrated…and four robotic spider-like legs sprouted from her PAK and hoisted her up. She then thought about moving forward and the legs carried her forward. Gaz grinned. “Now, retraction is a little more difficult, but-.” The legs then set Gaz down and retreated into her PAK. “…Or you could catch on faster than an Irken,” muttered Zim. Just then, the alarms sounded.

“What’s going on?!” demanded Gaz.

“Intruder alert!” warned XIR. “Target known as the Doctor is aboard the Massive!”

“WHAT?!” shouted Zim. “Where is she?!”

“Brig area, Cell Block Gamma! She opened Cell Gamma Nine!”

“Dib!” hissed Zim. “Alert all troops in the area! The Doctor and Dib must NOT interfere!”

“Come on! Come on!” growled the Doctor. She then lit up! “Yes! Organic Sweep protocols!”

“What are you doing?!” asked Dib.

“Sabotaging the Organic Sweep!” replied the Doctor. “It will take more than the forty-eight hours Zim gave me to fix it!” It took all but a few seconds for the Doctor to screw up the coding needed to operate the weapons! “HAHA! Perfect!”

“HANDS IN THE AIR, ALIEN SCUM!” shouted a voice. The Doctor and Dib turned to see that they were surrounded by Irkens.

“…It was like that when we got here!” Dib lied. The Irkens just narrowed their eyes in disbelief that he tried that. “…Okay, that was not one of my better ones.”

“Bring them to the bridge!” ordered the taller of the Irkens.

Back in Inkopolis, Tysar was fiddling with the Spawn Point. “Not you too!” complained Marie.

“The Doctor’s fighting alone right now and she gets a little too self-sacrificing when she does that!” retorted Tysar. “Now, either I dither here like a damsel in distress or I go up there and help her!”

“If you’re going, then I’M going!” declared Callie.

“Callie, no!” argued Marie.

“Callie, listen to your cousin!” urged Tysar. “Your roller’s ineffective against laser weapons!”

“In fact, INK is ineffective against lasers!” continued Marie.

“I’m not letting the Doctor fight alone!” insisted Callie. Tysar had finished her adjustments by now.

“There!” called the Thal. “See you-!” Callie then jumped onto the Spawn Point. “HEY! YOU GET OFF THAT-!” Too late. Callie vanished. “Oh for-!”

“I’m going after her!” called Marie as she jumped onto the Spawn Point.

“NO! GET BACK-!” Too late again. Marie vanished. Tysar developed a nasty twitch, then stamped her feet as she unleashed a flurry of curses in her native Thal language that shall not be translated here as they’re unbelievably rude. She then hopped onto the Spawn Point and went after the Squid Sisters.

The Doctor and Dib were taken to the bridge where Zim and Gaz were understandably unhappy with the sabotage. An Irken technician reported their findings. “It looks like it’s going to take a full week to undo what the Doctor did,” they said. “seventy-two hours at best if we activate our PAKs’ overdrive mode, something we all think is best, my Tallest.”

“Do it!” ordered Zim. He turned back to the offending saboteurs. “Well, Doctor, you made your decision for Earth a little early, huh?” he said. “I WAS going to be merciful and make this a mining planet, but thanks to you, it WILL become Foodcourtia II!”

“Oh, please!” scoffed the Doctor. “As if Sizz-lorr would allow that!”

“Sizz-lorr is now under MY command! HE obeys ME! He has no choice but to allow it!” Zim then drew in a breath a calmed himself. “Doctor, there’s a way for you to get into my good graces, and that is to undo your sabotage!”

“I’m afraid your good graces are rather on the low end of my list of priorities,” replied the Doctor.

“I’d advise you to reconsider, Doctor,” warned Gaz.

“You know, Dib told me about what you sold Earth out for!” snarled the Doctor. “All to satisfy your hedonism?! That’s your planet you’re betraying!”

“You think I care, Doctor?!” retorted Gaz. “Humans have always done the stupid things and pushed themselves to the brink of World War III! Whether it’s the pedophiles we put into office or the useless protests, we’ve proven that we’ve lost the right to our own destiny! Better to end it now than let Earth slide into decadence and decay!”

“Decadence and decay?! What do you think happened to Blorch?! Or Foodcourtia?! It’s what YOUR planet’s future will be! The nightmare of all slaves working one specific field! Hell on Earth! The apocalypse!”

“At least people will be honest about it!” Before the Doctor could refute Gaz’s claims, the alarms sounded again.

“Intruder alert!” warned XIR.

“What the-?! SECURITY! DOES THE EMPIRE NO LONGER HAVE IT?!” complained Zim.

“Identify them!” ordered Gaz.

“Two Inklings, one Thal, according to readings taken,” reported XIR.

“Tysar!” hissed the Doctor. She ran her hand down her face. “One of these days, I’m going to get a companion that will understand that ‘stay put’ means to stay put!”

“You just HAD to go onto the ship, didn’t you?!” Tysar snapped at Callie.

“I wanna help!” protested Callie.

“Callie, these guys have LASERS!” argued Marie. “You’ve got an oversized roller and my charger can’t do anything rapid fire! We-!” The Irkens then arrived.

“HANDS IN THE AIR, ALIEN SCUM!” shouted one.

“No time for arguments!” called Callie as she pulled out her roller. She then slammed it onto the ground and steamrolled over the Irkens!

“MY SQUEEDLYSPOOCH!” screamed an Irken.

“I got you, Greenie Grandma!” called another Irken as he aimed his gun at Marie. Marie then pulled out her charger and fired, her shot knocking the gun out of the Irken’s hands! “I-I DIDN’T MEAN THAT GRANDMA COMMENT!” he begged. Marie fired again, the impact of her ink knocking the Irken out.

“…Come on, we need to pick up Callie and find the Doctor,” sighed Tysar.

“Got it!” agreed Marie. The two of them ran after Callie.

Everyone on the bridge saw the chaos unfolding from Callie’s charge! “HOW IS A ROLLING PAINTBRUSH DOING THAT?!” protested Zim.

“What’s the matter, Zim?!” taunted Dib. “Your Squeedlyspooch can’t take it?!”

“I’ll be feasting on your brain meats, Dib!” warned Zim.

“Sir,” called an Irken, “something is wrong! The Organic Sweep is activating on its own!”

“WHAT?!” yelped Zim.

“How bad is that?” asked Gaz.

“Without manual control, the Organic Sweep will vaporize the planet instead of bombard it!” replied Zim. “Earth won’t exist as a member of the Irken Empire! It won’t exist PERIOD!”

“…Oh dear,” muttered the Doctor, thinking she made a catastrophic mistake.

“So, the war between you and Tak is over and you’re the victor,” remarked the Doctor. “Still, calling ANY war ‘Great’, it just…yuck!”

“Save your insults for people shorter than us, Doctor!” snarled Zim.

“Will you depart Earth or not?!” growled the Doctor.

“Are you threatening me?! If so, you haven’t a leg to stand on! As I said, Earth was kept OUT of the crossfire! I even behaved when Dib and Gaz vanished!”

“…Dib and Gaz Membrane?” asked the Doctor. “They vanished in your-?” A nasty theory formed in her head. “…Oh no!”

“What’s wrong with you?” asked Zim. “…Oh yes! You still care for the worthless inhabitants of this rock!” The Doctor snapped her thoughts back to the current crisis.

“I warn you, Zim! Earth has colonies ready to defend the cradle of their civilization!” she declared.

“I think even the shortest Irken can handle the humans’ primitive ships!” cackled Zim.

“I very much doubt that.”

“There’s no UNIT to stop me, Doctor! And no Zygons, as you said! These creatures that replaced the human stink will be excellent slaves! Earth shall become Foodcourtia II!”

“It most certainly will not!” argued the Doctor.

“You’re in no position to tell me what can and can’t be done!” Zim then grinned wickedly. “But I’m nothing if not merciful,” he said. “I’ll give you forty-eight earth hours to prepare this planet properly. Otherwise, I conduct the Organic Sweep and sterilize all life!” He turned to his subordinates. “We’re leaving!” he ordered.

“Yes, my Tallest!” replied his underlings. One of then pressed a button on his wrist and the three Irkens vanished.

“…Dib and Gaz Membrane,” muttered the Doctor. “…And their disappearance is recorded in history. …Drat.”

The Doctor returned to Tysar, noticing that two people were gone. “…Tysar, where are the Squid Sisters?” she asked.

“They went to the Inkopolis News Station,” replied Tysar. “Special announcement about the Irken Invasion. They overheard everything and wanted to calm the people down, assure them that you wouldn’t surrender the Earth to the Irkens.”

“And they’re right, because I won’t,” said the Doctor. By then, the Squid Sisters returned.

“We just got off the phone with our agents,” said Callie. “They’ve delayed our concert until this crisis is dealt with.”

“The Captain also reassigned our mission to his successor, the new Agent 3,” continued Marie. “What do you need us to do, Doctor?”

“First off, we’ve got forty-eight hours to deal with the Irkens and see if my hypothesis is true,” replied the Doctor.

“Doctor, Zim said that two humans vanished from his time,” said Tysar.

“Dib Membrane and his sister, Gaz,” explained the Doctor. “I really hope that the chronal surge didn’t grab them and plop them here. Because if their disappearance was recorded and they were never found…then we can’t bring them back.”

“What?” asked Tysar. “Y-You mean that bringing them back would…damage time somehow?!” She then started thinking about her own situation. “…Would that mean-?!”

“For you, I don’t know,” sighed the Doctor. “…But I WILL check your timeline when this adventure is over. For now, we need to see if Dib and Gaz are in this time.”

Aboard the Irken Flagship, the Massive, Zim was in his office, indulging in some snacking. As he snacked, the computer in his desk beeped. “Oh, what is it now?!” he complained. A spider-like robotic leg then grew from his PAK and tapped the computer. His new SIR unit, titled XIR (X-treme Information Retrieval), appeared on screen. “What is it, XIR?” he demanded.

“My Tallest,” said XIR, “two humans have appeared on the Massive. All physical indicators point to their names being Dib and Gaz Membrane.”

“Your sensors must be faulty!” scoffed Zim. “There’s no way they’re alive after all this time, even accounting for their disappearance!” He then slurped on some soda through a straw as XIR continued its report.

“We are currently interrogating the two humans…but the one that looks like Gaz is as scary as her! And the male that looks like Dib has as big a head as him!”

“MY HEAD’S NOT BIG!” protested a voice. Zim spat out his soda in surprise. That was Dib’s voice!

“TELL THE INTERROGATORS TO STOP!” ordered Zim. “I’M CONDUCTING THIS ONE PERSONALLY!” He got up from his desk and strode out of his office.

Zim arrived in the interrogation room to see two humans, roughly his height. One was a woman in a black skirt and shirt with purple hair and an expression that cowed many Irkens. The other was a man with glasses, slicked hair, and a black trenchcoat. “It can’t be!” protested Zim. “Dib and Gaz vanished millennia ago!”

“Yeah, well you can blame Gaz here!” snarled the man as he nodded his head angrily at the woman. “She stole UNIT property and took advantage of a chronal surge!”

“That was a Cyberman’s chronal net and you know it!” retorted the woman.

“It’s UNIT property and YOU know it!”

“ENOUGH!” shouted Zim. “XIR, did they have a chronal net on their person?”

“The scary woman had it, specifically,” replied XIR.

“XIR?” asked the man. “What’s the X stand for?”

“Extreme, what else?” asked Zim.

“…Z-Zim, extreme starts with an ‘e’ and-.”

“It’s MY updated SIR unit and I get to name it!” snarled Zim. He then calmed down. “…So, it IS you, Dib, Gaz! …Gaz, why would you steal a chronal net?”

“To take advantage of the chronal surge,” replied Gaz. “I was hoping to get a place where I could finally get away from humans, but now I see from your systems that the whole damned race spread out to the stars!”

“…I mean, yes, it IS annoying, but YOU belong to the human race-.”

“AND I HATE IT! I hate having to be part of a race that’s so idiotic! All I want to worry about are video games and pizza and people always get in my way about that! I want to crush the human race and any others that would get in my way! You have the tech needed to crush them, I have ideas on how to do that!”

“Gaz, wait a minute!” protested Dib. “You’re selling out the human race of this time!”

“More like the Cephalo-sapiens, but humans too,” remarked Zim.

“…Cephalo-sapiens?” asked Gaz. “Like…talking squids and octopuses?!”

“And live their lives exactly like humans of your time.” Gaz couldn’t believe what she was hearing! “There IS a future I have planned for it, though,” offered Zim.

“And what’s that?!” demanded Gaz.

“Like us Irkens, you lot enjoy fast food, especially that…pizza, I believe it’s called. How would you like it if you helped me make Earth into Foodcourtia II?” Gaz arched an eyebrow.

“…What do I get for helping you?” asked Gaz. “Not that I’m really objecting.”

“Joint rule of the Irken Empire,” replied Zim. “A PAK to make sure you live as long as us, an entire empire at your command, and all the hedonism you want to unleash. What do you say?”

“…One slight change,” said Gaz. “…I want to fire the first shot for the Organic Sweep, Tallest Zim!”

“Done, Tallest Consort Gaz!”

“…Consort?” asked Gaz, a little disgusted.

“Just a title, no real meaning. It’s just something we have to use when an alien helps rule the Empire jointly.”

“…No romance involved?”

“None whatsoever. Friends at best.”

“…I think we can work out a friendship.”

“GAZ, YOU TRAITOR!” shouted Dib.

“Orders, my Tallest? Tallest Consort?” asked XIR. Zim undid Gaz’s restraints and nodded to her, indicating that she should decide Dib’s fate.

“Throw my big brother in the brig,” she ordered. “We’ll deal with him when Earth becomes Foodcourtia II.”

“While you’re doing that, inform the Control Brain Monitors,” ordered Zim, “that a PAK for Gaz needs to be made.”

“Yes, my Tallest, Tallest Consort.” XIR saluted and dragged Dib away.

Back in Inkadia, the Doctor was working on a machine. It looked like one of the spawn points usually seen in Turf Wars. “Doctor, what are you doing?” asked Marie. “That’s a decommissioned Spawn Point!”

“And it SHOULD work as a transmat,” replied the Doctor.

“Doctor?” asked Marie.

“I checked the TARDIS historical databanks on the Irken Empire,” explained the Doctor. “All my research agree with Zim in that he defeated Tak and won the Irken Civil War two thousand years before the Flood that eventually gave rise to you lot. …So why is he only attacking now? Questions, questions.”

“You’re not planning on going up into an Irken ship, are you?!” protested Marie.

“Sorry, Thal overhearing that last tidbit, along with Callie,” called Tysar as she arrived. “Marie DID draw the wrong conclusion, did she?!”

“Actually, she didn’t,” replied the Doctor. “Specifically, I’m going onto the Irken Flagship.”

“Don’t be absurd!” protested Tysar.

“Doctor, there’s no way you’ll survive that!” agreed Callie.

“Callie and Tysar are right, Doctor!” urged Marie. “They’ll shoot you on sight!”

“See, the thing is, I have some research to conduct,” replied the Doctor.

“Doctor!” protested Tysar.

“Zim chose this moment to fulfill his ‘mission’ of conquering Earth for the Irken Empire when he already won the Irken Civil War!” insisted the Doctor. “Now, either we dither here and hope against hope that help from the human colonies arrive before the Irkens conduct their Organic Sweep or I beam myself onto the Massive and make their job easier while getting information along the way!”

“But what if the Irkens just blast you to plasma?!” argued Tysar.

“Well, at least I will have tried,” said the Doctor. She then finished up.

“Doctor-!”

“If I’m wrong, bring whoever you can into the TARDIS!” directed the Doctor. “It’ll bring you all somewhere safe!” She hopped onto the modified Spawn Point and then vanished.

Inkadia, once called Japan. Home of new forms of life on Earth. Right now, humans were in a different colony away from Inkadia, leaving it to the native Inklings and Octarians, squids and octopuses that gained the ability to achieve a humanoid form to walk on land. Right now, two Inkling women were adjusting their outfits. One of them, with her tentacles tied into a bow at the back of her head with her club ends reaching all the way to her calves, was adjusting her hat to make sure it was tilted onto the right of her head. She then reached for something…only it wasn’t there. “…Marie, where the squid are my earrings?!” called the Inkling woman to her gray-tentacled cousin, having just tied her shorter tentacles into a bow that tilted towards the right of her head while her hat sat on the left of her head.

“I dunno,” replied the other Inkling, Marie. “You had them last, Callie.”

“I know I put them-! …Oh, here they are,” mumbled the first Inkling woman, Callie. She fished out a pair of chunky hoop earrings and attached them to each of her pointy ears.

“I swear, you can be SO disorganized,” muttered Marie.

“Well, excuse me for-!” She then stopped talking. “…Marie?”

“I hear it too!” replied Marie as she heard the noise Callie heard. The two Inkling Idols rushed out of their dressing room and into the hallway…to see a blue box appear!

“Hey, isn’t that the box John and Kaori found?” asked Callie. “The one with Amy and her doctor friend?”

“Yeah,” confirmed Marie. “But what’s it doing here? Octavio’s still in prison.”

“Maybe Amy wanted to visit again?” guessed Marie. “Come on, let’s go see.” The Inkling cousins knocked on the door and the Doctor poked her head out.

“Is there anything on my head?” she asked. “Tysar won’t tell me if there is.”

“…Um…yeah, y-you’ve got…well a rose headband,” replied Callie, not sure who this woman was.

“That’s supposed to be there. Anything else?”

“Yeah, antlers,” replied Marie.

“…Antlers?” asked the Doctor.

“Y-Yeah,” confirmed Callie. Tysar then started laughing as the Doctor’s expression darkened comedically. She looked into the TARDIS.

“It’s early spring!” she protested at the powerful time machine. “Why are you putting hologram antlers on my head?! And you, Tysar! Why didn’t you say anything?!”

“Because the TARDIS is right, Doctor!” laughed Tysar. “That’s just funny!”

“All right, you two had your laugh! Now get rid of them!” The antlers vanished. “Thank you!” She then turned back to the Squid Sisters. “Now, Callie and Marie, the Squid Sisters, yes? Odd that you’d call yourself that, given that you’re cousins.”

“Sorry, do we know you?” asked Marie. “It’s just that…the human over there called you Doctor.”

“I did,” replied Tysar. “Although, strictly speaking, I’m not a human. I’m a Thal. And that IS the Doctor.”

“I wore a pleated skirt last time I visited Inkadia,” explained the Doctor. “That business with the Slitheen infiltrating Octavio’s court and trying to nuke the planet and sell off its radioactive remains? Ring any bells, you two?”

“…That’s really YOU, Doctor?!” asked Callie. “B-But…how?!”

“Regeneration, my dear Callie,” replied the Doctor. “It’s a lottery. Now, enough of that, I’m a little pressed for time.”

“So it ISN’T a social call?” asked Marie.

“Sorry, no. Did anyone report any missing persons or strange people just appearing out of nowhere?”

“N-No,” replied Marie. “Why?”

“We’re tracking something called a chronal surge,” explained the Doctor. “They have a tendency to take someone in one time period and plop them into another. Sometimes a knight from the Middle Ages gets thrown into the 42nd century, other times a Star Warrior ends up a few seconds into the past on another planet, you get the idea.”

“…Yeah,” said Marie.

“Really?”

“No!”

“I’m stumped too, Doctor,” replied Callie.

“Right. Well, we’re going to have a look around, if you don’t mind?” asked the Doctor.

“Y-Yeah, sure!” agreed the Squid Sisters.

“Thanks!” bid the Doctor as she and Tysar left the TARDIS.

“…So…no Amy today,” remarked Callie.

“Doesn’t look like it,” replied Marie. “And apparently the Doctor’s a shapeshifter.”

“…Hm…shapeshifter against another superpower…I think that was a Splatfest theme,” mused Callie.

“Doctor, who were those two?” asked Tysar.

“Callie and Marie, the pop idol duo known as the Squid Sisters,” replied the Doctor. “Better known as Agents 1 and 2 of the New Squidbeak Splatoon currently under the command of the original Agent 3.”

“And what kind of creatures were they?”

“Squids, if you can believe it. Or, more specifically, squids that underwent genetic mutation after genetic mutation to become the Inklings you see today. After a great flooding, humanity left Earth and some of the sea life evolved into land-dwelling creatures. Then there was a war between the Inklings and their octopus cousins, the Octarians. Eventually, the Octoling branch of the Octarians made peace with the Inklings and now they live together.”

“…You mean this is Earth’s future?” asked Tysar.

“Yes, but humanity’s coming back and helping Inklings and Octarians spread out across the stars.”

“And the chronal surge is centered here?”

“Yes. Now, we must figure out what before-!” Just then, the familiar feeling of a chronal surge passed over them. “Oh no!”

“Doctor, we’re still here,” said Tysar.

“Callie! Marie!” realized the Doctor. She and Tysar ran back to the Squid Sisters’ general direction to see them walking away from the TARDIS. “HOLD ON!” called the Doctor.

“Hm? Doctor?” asked Callie as she and Marie looked back. The Doctor sighed.

“Oh, good! Still in the present!” sighed the Doctor. “Now, come on, you two! Let’s start searching for-!”

“Doctor, we can’t go on searching for anything right now!” retorted Marie. “Callie and I have a concert in Splatsville!”

“And the Captain’s got a mission for us after that!” supplied Callie.

“With respect, you two,” interjected Tysar, “the concert and mission will be a moot point if we don’t figure out what happened during that chronal-!” She was interrupted by screaming from outside.

“…That’s not a good sign, no matter where you come from,” muttered Marie.

“Come on!” urged the Doctor as she ran towards the source of the screams.

Outside was pandemonium! Inklings and Octolings were running for cover from objects in the sky. The Doctor and her friends took cover as the objects continued firing. “What’s going on here?! An alien invasion?!” yelped Marie over the screaming.

“Well, given that there ARE alien ships hanging in your skies,” remarked Tysar, “yes, I’d say that’s exactly what’s going on! I don’t recognize the design of the ships, but-!”

“It’s the Irken Armada!” replied the Doctor.

“The what?!” asked Callie.

“The Irken Armada! The main military force of the Irken Empire! A race of insectoid creatures hellbent on conquering the entire universe! With a collective gender of jerk!”

“Why are they setting their sights on Earth now?!” asked Marie. “We can’t possibly have anything they’d want!”

“They’re not interested in wealth or political power!” replied the Doctor. “They conquer planets just because they can!”

“Well, what can we do?!” asked Tysar.

“One moment!” The Doctor pulled out her sonic screwdriver and walked to the middle of the panicking crowd. She then switched the screwdriver on. “Intercepting any teleports to the planet!” Three Irkens then appeared, all surprised at the whole affair. Two were little, about the size of a human child, and the last was a few centimeters taller than the Doctor’s height and wore a mask.

“What is this?!” demanded the tall one. “I ordered us to go to Octo Canyon! Not Inkopolis Square! Invader Smeech, you have failed!”

“Apologies, my Tallest!” begged one of the shorter Irkens. “Our teleport beam was intercepted and-!”

“He’s right, you know,” interjected the Doctor. The Irkens gasped.

“A…human?!” asked the tall Irken, the Tallest. “But the dominant life forms of this planet are squids and octopuses! How-?!”

“Humans spread out from beyond the atmosphere of this little planet, my Tallest,” replied the Doctor. “Now…I’ve met you lot before, but not necessarily with this face. Under Convention 15 of the Shadow Proclamation, I formally request a cessation of hostilities in order to parlay!”

“…You’re not human, are you?” asked the Tallest. “No worthless human could possibly know about the Shadow Proclamation, much less attempt to invoke it!”

“No, I’m not human, but I put a lot of work into this planet. I know there aren’t any Zygons on this planet to help enforce things, but I’m still here. I am the Doctor! Former President of the High Council of Time Lords! Keeper of the Legacy of Rassilon! Defender of the Laws of Time! Protector of Gallifrey! Under the Doomsville Treaty, I order you to leave this planet!”

“Ah, Doctor!” purred the Tallest. “So, it IS true! You Time Lords can change our faces! It won’t matter! I stuck to the Treaty! Earth was NOT caught in the crossfire between myself and the False Tallest, Tak! The Great Civil War is over and I won! You won’t interfere in my mission this time, Doctor!” The Tallest removed his mask so the Doctor could see his face!

“…Tallest Zim!” hissed the Doctor. “I should have known!”