Category: Doctor Who: Crossings

By the time Zim got out, the Irken Armada arrived. Earth appeared on the main screen. “Ugly little rock,” muttered Tak. “Conduct the usual scans. I’m positive the humans won’t offer anything in terms of slave labor.”

“Conducting planetary sweep,” replied the helmsman. The scans then revealed…something unusual. “…Hang on, that can’t be right.”

“What’s the matter?” asked Tak.

“The scans are saying there’s a Zygon presence on this rock!”

“WHAT?!” Tak stormed over to the helm console and checked. “That’s impossible! I didn’t find any Skarasen there when I first visited!”

“Apparently, it was masked until now,” replied the helmsman. “It looks like it was meant to be revealed only to Irken sensors.”

“Then Zim saw them too!” hissed Tak. “But how would they know we were-?!” A thought then struck her. “…Doctor!” she snarled. “SHE’S behind this!”

“Should we conduct our organic sweep, my Tallest?” asked a soldier.

“We can’t, not with Zygons having claimed it!” Tak then stroked her chin. “…But they can’t exactly interfere with us taking Zim’s head. Ready my Runner!”

“Doctor, Zim’s entering the streets!” warned Dib.

“And planetary sensors,” advised Kate, “indicate that a personal ship is entering Earth’s atmosphere on a direct course with Doomsville!”

“Right then, Brotok,” the Doctor said to a fat human, “you know what to do?”

“Leave it to us, Doctor,” replied the human. “We’ll sort out this Irken problem and at least delay any civil war for five years and keep it away from Earth.”

“Doctor, I hope this works!” urged Amy. “You DID say you fought the Zygons!”

“I fought aggressive sects of Zygons,” corrected the Doctor. “Brotok leads a sect that is more peaceful.” As the Doctor spoke, several humans, minus Brotok, shimmered out of view and in their places were solidly-built, earthy-colored humanoids with cone-shaped heads and covered in suckers. These were the true forms of the Zygons. Brotok smiled, still in his human disguise.

“Boy, are the Irkens in for a nasty surprise!” he purred.

“I’d really rather not have a battle between Irkens and Zygons,” urged the Doctor. Before Brotok could retort, Tak’s ship landed and she strode out. Zim then arrived; a manic grin plastered on his face.

“So, Tak the Terrible New Girl arrives!” he chuckled.

“Better being terrifying than being a failure like you!” retorted Tak. “But I have more pressing matters, like a certain beast found in that obscure lake miles from here.”

“I saw the Skarasen too, but the Zygons can wait! You’ve blunted the Empire for too long!”

“Blunted?! I am fixing what YOU broke!”

“Ah yes, the common duties of a Janitor Drone!” scoffed Zim. Tak snarled.

“When I’m done with you, Sizz-Lorr will be keeping you as his fast-food drone forever!” she vowed as her PAK gave her a gun!

“He couldn’t even get me back while I was an Invader! NOW I AM THE TALLEST! NOT YOU, YOU ELEVATOR-SHOE WEARING PIPSQUEAK!” Zim’s PAK handed him his gun. The two Tallest aimed their weapons…then the guns were shot out of their hands via bio-electric blasts! The two Irkens turned their heads and saw Brotok, still in his human disguise, with a platoon of Zygons flanking him.

“…Is this a joke?!” demanded Tak.

“No joke, Zim, Tak,” replied Brotok. “I am Warrior Engineer Brotok, authorized to speak on behalf of the Zygons living here.”

“And?” asked Zim.

“And it is my duty to inform you,” continued Brotok, “that you are on the wrong side of a Zygon planet’s atmosphere according to the Treaty of Zimtok V.”

“That’s irrelevant!” snarled Tak. “The Irken Internal Matters Clause must be satisfied! Leave at once!”

“I’m afraid they can’t do that,” called the Doctor.

“DOCTOR!” snarled Zim.

“You DARE interfere!” hissed Tak.

“When a blunder like this threatens to unravel the Web of Time, I always interfere!” replied the Doctor.

“What blunder are you talking about?!” demanded Zim.

“The Irken Civil War,” explained the Doctor, “the war between your respective factions, isn’t supposed to start now. It begins in five years’ time!”

“And why should that concern us?!” snarled Tak.

“Because my arrival shifted things too early! All I ask is that you hold off on any infighting until five years have passed and that you keep said infighting OFF Earth!”

“You demand too much, Doctor!” argued Zim. “The Irken Civil War will begin now, and it will result in my glorious unfolding of Operation Impending Doom III!”

“ALL HAIL ZIM!” called half of Tak’s soldiers.

“TRAITORS!” called the other half.

“ENOUGH!” shouted Brotok as he held up a device. Zim and Tak’s eyes widened.

“What is that?!” yelped Tak.

“An active communications link to the Shadow Proclamation!” replied Brotok. “And nothing would make me happier than you two firing on one another giving me the excuse to call the Judoon here!” The two Tallest stared the smiling Brotok down.

“…If it were any other race,” hissed Zim, “I’d say you were bluffing, Brotok!” He then visibly deflated. Tak then raised her hand.

“Stand down, all of you, traitors AND loyalists!” she ordered. “Zygons don’t bluff and the Empire can’t afford an armed conflict with the Judoon and the Zygons!” The Irken soldiers holstered their weapons.

“Excellent decision, Almighty Tallest!” chuckled Brotok.

“Now then!” called the Doctor as two UNIT soldiers brought out a table and four chairs. The Doctor and Brotok sat on one side. “Not my favorite bit, but let’s discuss a new treaty.”

As the Doctor and Brotok discussed terms with Zim and Tak, Dib looked on. “…Is this what the Doctor’s life is like?” he asked no one in particular.

“Yes, believe it or not,” replied Amy’s voice. She and Lurra Rus approached Dib. “She’s a lonely lady, most of the time. So she takes us on as companions to see slices of her life.”

“She has this innate desire to help people,” continued Lurra Rus. “To make the universe a better place throughout time and space wherever it’s permitted.”

“Then the Irken Civil War?” asked Dib.

“Probably a fixed point in time,” replied Amy. “What will happen, will happen.”

“She can’t undo the mistakes of the past,” said Lurra Rus, “but she CAN show us the path to a better future.”

“Excuse me, Dib!” called Kate’s voice. She approached the group.

“Dr. Stewart!” Dib saluted.

“Not just yet, Dib,” said Kate. “Not unless you hear me out.”

“Kate?” asked Amy.

“Dib Membrane, I’ve spoken with your father,” explained Kate. “And we both agreed, albeit I don’t think he fully believes in aliens, that you would be the person to make sure Zim behaves and complies with the upcoming treaty. But, we have to say, your personal technology can’t really do much. But with UNIT resources…” Dib blinked.

“…Are you asking me to join UNIT?!” he asked.

“As part of our internship program,” replied Kate. “But your internship assignment will be to monitor Zim and make sure he behaves.”

“And report any suspicious behavior to you?” asked Dib. “What about the Swollen Eyeball Network?”

“They’re in direct communication with us,” answered Kate. “They will get your findings at the same time as us. Although, only Agent…DarkBootie…seems to be supportive of you.”

“That’s not new,” replied Dib. “…But joining UNIT, people that actually DO protect Earth from alien threats…” Dib smiled. “Cadet Dib Membrane, reporting for duty!” he said. Kate smiled.

The Doctor looked over at Dib accepting his new position and grinned. “Time’s going right on track,” she said.

“So, we are agreed, then?” said Brotok, calling everyone’s attention to the treaty. “While the Irken Civil War cannot be prevented, it is at least delayed by five years. Neither Zim nor Tak can interfere with one another’s business until then. Zim will remain on Earth under close observation by UNIT and the Swollen Eyeball Network and cannot exact retribution on GIR and Minimoose, nor will he conquer the planet. Tak also cannot conquer Earth and she will be observed by the Shadow Proclamation to ensure that she continues in the rebuilding of Irk, but she cannot kill any Irken that chooses to follow Zim. At the end of five years, when civil war DOES break out, Earth will not be involved in any battleplans or be caught in the crossfire. A breach of this treaty will result in the Shadow Proclamation arresting both parties and occupying Irk.”

“…Agreed,” grunted Zim.

“Agreed,” muttered Tak.

“Then all that’s left,” said the Doctor as she handed pens to Zim and Tak, “is to sign.” The two Tallest then signed on their respective signature lines.

“…I’ll crush you in five years, Tak!” warned Zim.

“The feeling’s mutual, Zim!” retorted Tak. She then stood up. “Soldiers! We are leaving!” Tak and her men marched back to her ship and took off. Dib then approached the group.

“Accepted your UNIT assignment, Dib?” asked the Doctor.

“His UNIT assign-NO!” yelped Zim.

“Looks like I’m still watching you, Zim!” laughed Dib. “Though now I’ve got UNIT on my side!”

“If I didn’t sign that treaty, I’d eat your brain-meats, Dib!” snarled Zim. He stormed back to his base.

“Well, this has been fun,” said Amy, “but I’m ready to take it easy now.”

“Same here,” agreed Lurra Rus as everyone returned to the TARDIS.

“You sure you don’t want to come, Dib?” asked the Doctor.

“I know you said it’s a time machine, Doctor,” replied Dib, “but I need to focus on my UNIT assignment.”

“All right then. Bye now!” The Doctor and her friends entered the TARDIS and it took off in its usual manner.

The Doctor looked up when she heard noises from upstairs. “Oh no!” realized the Doctor.

“Wait, you don’t think-?!” gulped Amy.

“It’s Zim! He’s out of his coma!” confirmed the Doctor.

“He can’t even move!” gasped Lurra Rus. “Is the base-?!”

“We’ll discuss possibilities later! Right now, we need to convince Tak-!” Just then, a transmission came through. It was Tak!

“Time Lord, what is the meaning of this?!” she demanded. “The Control Brain assigned to Zim indicated that he was fully cognizant!”

“That’s because he is!” replied the Doctor. “Tak, I tried to warn you! His zealotry has gone overboard! He’s going to think that HE was handed the role of Tallest by fate! You know the cellular reconstruction will-!”

“I will suffer no threats to my rule!” snarled Tak. “And Earth will pay for this!”

“NO! NO! PLEASE, JUST HEAR ME-!” Tak wasn’t listening! She ended the call just as the Doctor heard a mound of flesh hit the floor. “No, it’s happening too fast!”

“I must thank you, Doctor!” cackled Zim. “If you hadn’t come, I’d still be stuck in a coma!”

“Zim, please! You must listen!” begged the Doctor.

“I’ve listened long enough! I am destined to be the new Tallest! I SHALL MAKE THE IRKEN EMPIRE ETERNAL!”

“But Irk is still rebuilding! The Control Brains-!”

“Have proved worthless! I shall be better than the Control Brains!”

“Cellular reconstruction will now begin,” droned the computer. Zim was then forcibly shoved into a glass tube that barely managed to avoid cracking from his bulk!

“Blast! I’m going to have to try something!” muttered the Doctor. She tried keying in commands.

“Doctor, what are you doing?” asked Amy.

“I’m trying to delay his cellular reconstruction by about five years!” replied the Doctor. “Hopefully, Tak will be in a listening mood by then!” By then, Dib came back down.

“Doctor, what’s going on?” he asked.

“She’s trying to extend Zim’s cellular reconstruction by five years,” replied Lurra Rus.

“Hopefully, by then, the Doctor can actually have a conversation with Tak before the Irkens arrive,” finished Amy.

“We don’t HAVE five years!” protested Dib.

“How do you figure, Dib?” asked the Doctor.

“I had already intercepted an Irken transmission detailing Zim’s mission six months before he arrived!” explained Dib.

“WHAT?! But it says in his inventory that he has a Voot Cruiser! That’s wildly out of date these days! The FTL drive must have been junk!”

“Doctor, if it took Zim six months to get here-!” gulped Amy.

“It will take the Irken Armada less time!” confirmed the Doctor.

Unfortunately, the Doctor was right. The new Irken Armada was en route already! “Maintain course,” ordered Tak. “I want to be there as soon as possible!”

“Yes, my Tallest!” replied the helmsman. “Estimated time of arrival: two hours!” Tak grumbled, but she couldn’t blame the helmsman.

“Given our current state of affairs, I’m not surprised,” she said.

“My Tallest, surely we’re ready for conquest now!” urged a soldier.

“Irk still needs to recover from the diminishment of the Control Brains,” answered Tak with a dismissive wave of her hand.

“But we’ve been denying the instinct to conquer for too long!” pleaded the soldier. “We must-!”

“Are you questioning your Tallest?” hissed Tak. “That would be most…unfortunate.”

“…N-No, my Tallest. My apologies, my Tallest.”

“Oh for-! My Tallest, the Doctor’s calling us again.” The comms officer sounded annoyed. Tak groaned.

“Ignore it,” she ordered.

“Happily, my Tallest,” replied the Comms officer.

“Blast, she’s not answering!” complained the Doctor. The computer then beeped. The Doctor checked and goggled. “…Infernal cheek!” she snarled. “The computer won’t let me delay the process!”

“You mean Zim’s still got two hours?” asked Dib.

“Unfortunately,” sighed the Doctor. “And UNIT’s bound to get trigger-happy once the Irken Armada arrives!”

“Can’t you play diplomat?” asked Amy. The Doctor then paused as an idea formed in her head.

“…I don’t think I can,” she said., “but maybe one of Irk’s few allies could help. Let’s see here.” The Doctor began her research and found a list. “AHA! There we are! Let’s see, Smegranians…no. They’re in their collective trance right now. …Tufanians…no. They’re not interested in things outside of hedonism. …Sontarans?! God no! …Wait…oh! OH HO HO HO! YES! PERFECT!”

“Doctor?!” asked Amy.

“Come along, everyone! We’re going topside!” The Doctor led everyone up.

They returned to the UNIT base and the Doctor found Kate. “Kate, are you still in contact with the Osgoods?”

“Of course. Why?” asked Kate.

“Because I have need of Petronella’s double and her people! They’re the key to making sure events take place as they should!”

“…Lieutenant, get me Greyhound Two,” Kate ordered a soldier. The man saluted and gave Kate a radio. Kate fiddled with the frequencies. “Greyhound One to Greyhound Two. Come in, Greyhound Two. Over.”

“Greyhound Two, receiving! Over!” replied a woman’s voice.

“Greyhound Two, the Doctor needs your assistance. I’m putting her on. Over.” Kate handed the Doctor the radio.

“Osgood, we have an Irken problem and your double’s people have a treaty with them,” explained the Doctor.

“What is the precise problem?” asked Osgood.

“Well, Exile Zim is currently undergoing cellular reconstruction that will make him an Almighty Tallest like Tak. Tak caught wind of it and now she’s bringing the Irken Armada here.”

“How long do we have?” asked Osgood.

“About two hours, give or take,” replied the Doctor.

“A time crunch as usual. We’ll see what we can do. Osgood out.” The call ended.

“All right, we have some breathing space,” said the Doctor.

“Doctor, what’s going on?!” asked Amy. “Who are you guys talking about?!”

“Do you know how many aliens live their lives in secret on Earth?” asked the Doctor. “Because there’s a plethora of them. There’s one race in particular that lives on Earth. I first met them at Loch Ness in Scotland. They were a more conquest minded sect that came up after the loss of their homeworld. The Irkens have a treaty with them that no planetary invasion conducted by the Irkens can include their colony worlds.”

“Do you think the Irkens will honor the treaty?” asked Kate.

“They’ll have to,” replied the Doctor. “Representatives of the Shadow Proclamation were witnesses to the treaty signing. Even someone as zealous to the Irken Empire’s ideals as Zim wouldn’t dare break the treaty.”

On the subject of Zim, two hours had passed. “Alert! Alert!” warned the computer. “Cellular reconstruction has been altered! Original height could not be achieved! Growth spurt has occurred! Height now equals that of the Tallest. Apologies, my Tallest!” The chamber opened and a green fog flooded the base. Out stepped a fully clothed Irken standing at 2.3 meters, 7’5”! Zim was now as tall as Tak!

“Why apologize, computer?” he asked. “You’ve served your Tallest well! Now, upgrade GIR to the current top of the line SIR model!”

“Unable to comply, Master!” replied the computer. “Unit GIR and Unit Minimoose have abandoned the base!”

“WHAT?! FOR WHAT REASON?!” demanded Zim.

“They’ve realized that the upgrade would change Unit GIR into a proper SIR unit. GIR has fled the base with Minimoose and-.”

“BAH! My Empire needs no deserters! Prepare to inform my people that-!”

“There is more. Tak is coming with the Irken Armada to kill us all.”

“What is her rule like?” asked Zim.

“She’s been focused on rebuilding Irk after the Great Control Brain Malfunction,” replied the computer. “No planets have been conquered or reconquered.”

“What?! She dares deny the Irkens our desire to conquer?! To bring planets under our heel?!”

“Half the Empire is grumbling about it, but they’re just waiting for the day to start what they dub as Operation Impending Doom III, regardless of how it’s planned. They WILL abandon Tak if that operation were to start under your rule.”

“The patience of those Irkens will be well rewarded if they join me!” Zim allowed himself an evil laugh.

“I hate to cut your laughter short, Master,” interjected the computer, “but there IS a wrinkle to both your plan and Tak’s. A monster has been identified in a lake the local humans call Loch Ness.”

“…How does that relate to-?”

“Apologies for interrupting,” said the computer, “but the monster matches the description of a Skarasen.”

“WHAT?!” yelped Zim. “The Zygons wouldn’t dare! Surely they wouldn’t dare claim THIS planet as a colony world!”

“The Doctor has been detected speaking to them. I think she knows about the Treaty of Zimtok V.”

“Oh no! I know her plan! She intends to delay my rise to power! Not this time! I’ll destroy her, destroy this planet, destroy Tak, AND RETURN THE IRKEN EMPIRE TO ITS FORMER GLORY! NO! A NEW GLORY! AN ETERNAL AGE OF GLORY!” Zim laughed as he stepped onto the elevator!

“There is NO way that’s a healthy weight for Irkens!” shuddered Amy.

“I can’t claim to be the greatest authority on Irken physiognomy,” replied the Doctor, “but that’s just obese from what I could glean of their species.”

“This Irken doesn’t look like much of a threat,” remarked Lurra Rus. “Unless he took some cues from the Hutts.”

“He’s drooling, though,” observed Dib. “Is he in a coma?”

“It looks like it,” observed the Doctor. “…Gross though this is, I need to examine his PAK.”

“You’re not gonna climb all over him, are you?” asked Dib.

“Not the most pleasant of prospects, but necessary,” shuddered the Doctor. She then climbed up the 800-pound Irken all the way to a grey metal backpack with pink circular panels. She pointed her sonic screwdriver at it and the biggest panel slid open to reveal a status screen. “All right, let’s see if I can access the mnemonic archive.”

“The what?” asked Amy.

“Irken PAKs serve as a secondary brain, life support, and multitool,” explained the Doctor. “They’re cybernetically grafted onto an Irken’s spine when they’re hatched. Mnemonic archives hold all the Irken’s memories.”

“And you’re trying to access it,” realized Lurra Rus, “to figure out why he’s so big and in a coma.”

“Exactly,” confirmed the Doctor. The status screen then changed. “AHA! Here we are! …Okay, so he started as an Invader, accidentally invaded his homeworld of Irk, was reassigned to be a fast food drone on Foodcourtia, then…hang on, he ended his banishment himself? That’s the action of a defective, not an Invader. …Let’s see…oh my word. A Florpus hole?! And…oh my!” The Doctor switched the status screen off. “…He’s killed the Twin Tallest? …Then the Irken Empire is leaderless! …No wonder!” The Doctor jumped down from the massive Irken. “Dib, did he really move Earth like that?”

“Yeah, using my dad’s Membracelets!” replied Dib. The Doctor then approached Amy and Lurra Rus.

“A Florpus Hole,” she said, “is an artificial black hole that feasts on alternate timelines and realities. This Irken used the Membracelets to teleport Earth into the path of the Irken Armada during their flight path that formed the backbone of Operation Impending Doom II. The Irken here had one last call with his leaders, the Almighty Tallest, when they were puppets trapped in a dimension of fire after the Earth was restored to its proper place. Now, it seems, he realized he’s killed those he worshipped with such zealous fanaticism. Hence the food coma and obesity.”

“…Guilt!” realized Dib. “He’s wracked with guilt! No wonder he’s been so quiet!” Dib turned on the obese Irken. “So, your desire to please your leaders ended up with you killing them! Doesn’t rest well with your Squeedlyspooch, does it, Zim?!”

“Dib, there’s no reason to hang that over his head!” snapped the Doctor. “Even he deserves compa…wait, what did you say his name was?”

“What, Zim?” asked Dib. “Yeah, that’s his name.”

“…What year is this again?” asked the Doctor, worry furrowing her brow.

“Erm, 2025, why?” quizzed Dib.

“…Oh dear,” muttered the Doctor. “I need to check on the Irken Empire. Dib, have you entered the base proper?”

“Y-Yeah, it’s underground,” replied Dib. “Through the toilet in the kitchen.”

“…In the kit-?” The Doctor looked into the kitchen and, yes, there was a toilet in there on the far wall with a poster above it that said, “I eat food!” The Doctor blinked. “…Right then.” Dib showed the Doctor how the toilet was actually an elevator. The group then entered the lower levels. Unbeknownst to them, the security protocols were displaying the footage onto the TV Zim was currently opposite of.

The base proper consisted of the twisting, wire-laden technology that was a staple of the Irken Empire. The Doctor went to the main console and started fiddling with it. “Doctor, what are you doing?” asked Amy.

“Checking on a nasty theory,” replied the Doctor. “I’ll explain as it happens if it’s true. Aha, here we are! A direct line to Irk, the Irken homeworld!” She keyed in a command to call Irk. “Irken Base on Earth calling Irken Homeworld, requesting communication with the Control Brains, over.” An Irken then appeared on screen. This one had purple eyes, a cybernetic implant above her left eye, and curled antennae (the signature antennae of a female Irken). Dib gasped in horror.

“TAK!” he yelped. “But…but why the growth spurt?!”

“Ah, Dib, the human!” purred the Irken woman. She WAS taller than the average Irken. “A bit of reconstitution.”

“…I’m…flattered you remember me,” remarked Dib.

“I’ve heard of you,” muttered the Doctor. “Tallest Tak, the Terror of the Irken Empire. But I was trying to contact the Control Brains.”

“Who are you and how do you know about the Control Brains?” demanded Tak.

“I’m the Doctor, a Time Lord from the planet of Gallifrey in the Constellation of Kasterborous.”

“A Time Lord! I thought the Daleks rendered you extinct! No matter!” Tak smiled a wicked smile. “Tell me, are you aware of what happened to my predecessors?”

“I found out through his mnemonic archive that Zim opened a Florpus Hole and the Tallest were sent there.”

“Good. I can make the explanation shorter,” said Tak. “The sudden loss of our people’s figureheads caused the Control Brains to go into meltdown. Now they’re only useful for keeping the species going, not making decisions. As such, the Tallest have complete authority over the Empire, as they should!”

“So you took advantage of your growth spurt and became the new Tallest,” summed up the Doctor.

“The ALMIGHTY Tallest, thank you, Doctor!” corrected Tak.

Back in the living room, Zim watched the conversation go on. “Tak, I appreciate that you’re in a delicate position,” said the Doctor, “but Zim’s not dead. He’s simply in a coma and-!”

“Then he’s still on Earth?” asked Tak.

“Yes, but-!”

“Then he is no threat to me! My predecessors’ decision about that defective’s exile stands!”

“Tak, you don’t know the danger he’ll bring if-!”

“SILENCE!” shouted Tak. “Doctor, I will not obey the mad ramblings of the Last Time Lord! This discussion is at an end!” Tak switched the call off.

“Stupid woman!” snapped the Doctor. “If we don’t deal with Zim, then the greatest tragedy within the Irken Empire will take place!” As the Doctor ranted, Zim…snarled.

“…Computer…!” he weakly said. “Begin…cellular…reconstitution!”

“Yes, Master!” replied a voice.

“Greatest tragedy?” asked Dib.

“I’m afraid we’re taking part in historical events,” muttered the Doctor. “The Irken Civil War will begin if Zim leaves.”

“Doctor, what do you mean ‘Civil War’?” asked Lurra Rus.

“Without the Control Brains, the Irkens will devolve into factionalism and fight to recognize either Tak or Zim as the one true Almighty Tallest,” explained the Doctor. “Dib, I need you to monitor Zim! Tell me everything he does! He needs to remain in that coma!”

“Doctor, if it’s a historical event-!” argued Amy.

“It’s not supposed to happen until 2030!” replied the Doctor. “If he starts it now, there will be a temporal paradox to clean up!”

“I better head back up, then,” declared Dib. “Maybe I can trick GIR into helping out!”

“That’s the spirit! Off you go!” Dib returned to the elevator and went back up. The Doctor then started working the console.

“What are you doing?” asked Lurra Rus.

“I’m trying to add a subliminal message to Zim’s PAK,” explained the Doctor. “I need to tell him that he shouldn’t start claiming his Empire until 2030 as that’s when Earth will be at its weakest.”

“Will it?” asked Lurra Rus.

“No, no,” replied the Doctor. “But Zim won’t think about returning to his ‘secret mission’ until he’s secured himself as the Almighty Tallest.”

Dib returned to the kitchen and headed to the living room just in time to see the floor open beneath Zim! The couch Zim was using dropped down…then Zim got stuck! “Oh no!” gulped Dib. Zim heard him and moved his head as best he could.

“So, your Time Lord friend knows my future!” cackled the Irken. “It makes sense! The Tallest before me had sent me here…because they knew how much of a threat I was to their power! My genius would make the Irken Empire more powerful than ever before! I would create greater ships, even one more powerful than the Massive! I SHALL BE THE GREATEST TALLEST IN ALL THE EMPIRE!”

“None of that was predicted by the Doctor!” argued Dib. “And, right now, you’re the fattest!”

“That will change! GIR! MINIMOOSE! ASSIST ME!” GIR and a small, purple plush moose arrived and tried to shove Zim down!

“OH NO, YOU DON’T!” declared Dib as he leapt at Zim. Minimoose intercepted Dib and knocked him into a wall, then GIR brought out a comically large hammer.

“WAIT! GIR!” protested Zim. Too late. GIR smashed the hammer down on Zim and managed to get him into the chute beneath him!

“Cellular reconstruction will begin upon arrival,” droned the computer. “Estimated arrival time, 40 minutes. Estimated reconstruction time, 2 hours.”

The TARDIS drifted lazily through the Time Vortex. Amy and Lurra Rus had exhausted all the avenues inside the TARDIS that they could come up with and were making their way to the console room. They found the Doctor sitting on a couch and reading a book. “Ahem!” grunted Amy. The Doctor was too absorbed in her book.

“…Sheesh! Should have known they’d get it wrong about Alpha Centauri so early!” she muttered.

“Doctor!” hissed Lurra Rus.

“300 zarps, my right-hand heart!” scoffed the Doctor, still engrossed in her book. Amy stomped up to the Doctor and tore the book out of her hands! “OI!” protested the Doctor.

“We’ve been drifting in the Time Vortex for almost ten days now!” snapped Amy.

“Well, the old girl still needs to settle into the Vortex,” replied the Doctor. “After having hypnotic music forced into her speakers so soon after her reconstruction, the poor girl needs rest!”

“Doctor, surely we can at least be on the lookout for distress calls!” protested Lurra Rus.

“We ARE,” assured the Doctor. “The TARDIS’ emergency distress signal locators are online. One little beep and we’re on our way to save the day.” Then…a phone rang. “Huh?!” The Doctor looked to the door leading outside.

“…How-?” asked Amy.

“I made it wireless and able to pick up any call,” replied the Doctor. She headed to the box on the door containing the phone, swung the box so she could access the phone, and picked up. “Hello, you’ve reached the Doctor’s TARDIS. Do you have an appointment? …KATE! It’s been too long! …It never IS just a social call with you UNIT types, is it? What do you need? …Doomsville? That’s a thing? …As a matter of fact, I HAVE heard about them. …Uh huh. …Well, if one of their invaders is on Earth, their armada’s not far behind. …All right, I’ll be there shortly. The TARDIS is tracing the call right now. …Right then. Goodbye.” The Doctor hung up.

“Odd version of a distress call,” remarked Lurra Rus.

“It’s a potential distress call,” explained the Doctor. “The daughter of an old friend of mine wants my help in assessing an alien threat in an American city called Doomsville. Evidently, there’s an alien there that’s part of a rather belligerent species. The TARDIS should have…AHA! We have our heading!” The Doctor adjusted the settings so the TARDIS could make its way to the coordinates.

Doomsville, one of the dankest cities in America. And with a population of the stupidest and most emotionally stunted people. Nobody batted an eye when the TARDIS landed. The Doctor opened the door…and instantly regretted it! “URGH!” she gagged. Amy and Lurra Rus coughed once they left the TARDIS.

“Ugh! Doesn’t anyone know about public sanitation?!” gagged Amy.

“Are you sure we aren’t in Hutt Space, Doctor?” asked Lurra Rus. “This smells like the Hutt homeworld!”

“It’s a human city, Ma’am,” replied a voice muffled by a mask. A human woman with a blonde bob haircut arrived.

“Kate!” greeted the Doctor. “Everyone, meet Dr. Kate Stewart, commander-in-chief of UNIT, the United Nations Intelligence Taskforce! I used to work for her father as the scientific advisor during my exile in the 70’s.”

“You still are, Doctor,” remarked Kate. “You still haven’t officially retired. Perhaps we should talk somewhere that isn’t so smelly. We have a base set up nearby.”

“Thank you, Kate, that would be helpful,” said the Doctor. Everyone followed Kate to an abandoned restaurant with UNIT equipment set up. The air was SO much cleaner! Amy and Lurra Rus felt like they could breathe!

“What kind of health and safety record does this whole city have?!” asked Amy.

“Nothing considered good,” replied Kate. “Doctor, I know you’re a busy woman, but with what our witness described, I couldn’t risk it.”

“Believe it or not, I had nothing but free time,” assured the Doctor. “And Amy and Lurra Rus were getting bored anyways.”

“A pleasure to have this kind of distraction,” said Amy.

“What is this alien threat that has you lot concerned?” asked Lurra Rus.

“I think it best that the one that called us,” explained Kate, “should brief you. Lieutenant.”

“Ma’am!” replied a soldier.

“Bring our friend here,” ordered Kate.

“Yes, Ma’am!” confirmed the soldier. He marched off to the back room, then returned with a big-headed boy with glasses and a black coat.

“Doctor, meet the one that called us,” introduced Kate.

“Hello there, young man,” greeted the Doctor. “I’m the Doctor. These are my companions, Amy Rose and Lurra Rus.”

“Nice to meet you,” replied the kid. “I’m Dib Membrane.” The Doctor’s eyes widened.

“Dib Membrane?!” she asked. She then grinned. “I can’t say too much, but you have a great future ahead of you!”

“Really?” asked Dib. “That’s…nice of you to say.”

“Now, what’s this I heard about an Irken threat?” asked the Doctor. “One of their invaders is here?”

“Yeah! But we’ve been fighting for a while and I haven’t seen one Irken ship!” replied Dib. “I mean, aside from this one and another that briefly visited us.”

“Describe this Irken you usually fight.”

“Well, he’s about my height, has green skin, ruby compound eyes, wears a tunic colored like his eyes, and he’s got antennae on his head.”

“A ruby Irken?” mused the Doctor. “Numerically the most common Irken.”

“And this Irken’s REALLY into the whole conquering thing!” supplied Dib. “…Although, apparently his tech’s outdated, at least from what I saw.”

“An Irken Invader? With outdated technology? …What does that mean for their SIR unit?”

“A SIR unit, Doctor?” asked Kate.

“Standard-issue Information Retrieval Units,” explained the Doctor. “Robots that assist an Irken Invader in gathering information on a planet’s weaknesses so the Invader can destroy all defenses in time for the Irken Armada to conduct their Organic Sweep.”

“That implies…well, extermination,” remarked Amy.

“As it should. They’re quite Dalek-like in that regard.”

“But why give an Invader outdated technology?” asked Lurra Rus.

“A good question,” remarked the Doctor. “I think I’ll need to inspect their base of operations. Dib, do you happen to know where the Irken lives?”

“Yeah, and it’s just ‘normal’ enough to fool everyone else in Doomsville,” replied Dib.

“Right then! Lead the way! Oh, but first! Kate, could my companions and I borrow masks?”

“Of course, Doctor,” answered Kate.

“Come on!” protested Dib. “It’s not that bad!”

“Easy for you to say!” remarked Lurra Rus. “You live here!”

“I think all the fumes swelled your head,” said Amy. “That must be why it’s so big!”

“MY HEAD’S NOT BIG!” protested Dib.

Once they were masked, the Doctor and her friends followed a grumbling Dib, still sore about his head size. They made their way to a cul-de-sac with apartment buildings. “There it is!” called Dib as he pointed out the one house. It was a tall, green house with a purple roof and door (which appears to have come from a men’s bathroom). It had a satellite dish on one side of the roof, and the front yard was covered in lawn ornaments, including a flamingo, two puffer fish, a flag that said, “I heart Earth”, and four large robotic Lawn Gnomes flanking the main path to the door.

“…Erm…” The Doctor was struggling to find a word for the whole ensemble. “I know humans tend to just walk past the strange and unusual, but surely that set off alarm bells.”

“City Council never ordered it removed,” replied Dib.

“Do the gnomes do anything?” asked Amy.

“Well, they CAN shoot lasers from their eyes, but people can slip quietly in.”

“Hm, I wonder.” The Doctor pulled out her sonic screwdriver and switched it on. She then approached the house, but the gnomes didn’t fire on her. “Excellent!” She looked back. “It’s safe!” she called. “The gnomes think we’re Irken Inspectors, personally checking on our friend’s progress!” Her friends and Dib joined her as they approached the front door. The door opened and two robots that looked like cartoony depictions of parents of a Nuclear Family appeared.

“Welcome home, Son!” they said as they twitched and sparked, indicating their faulty status. The group entered the house and were greeted by darkness.

“…Did the Invader forget to pay their electric bill?” joked the Doctor. “In all seriousness, shouldn’t their SIR unit be here?”

“HALT, INTRUDERS!” came a robotic voice. The group turned to see glowing red eyes. They then heard a whine of weapons being primed.

“GIR, cut that out!” snapped Dib.

“…OKAY!” The eyes turned blue and the weapons powered down.

“That’s his SIR unit, GIR,” explained Dib. “He’s not that big of a threat.”

“…GIR?” asked the Doctor. She looked at GIR’s eyes. “What does the ‘G’ stand for?”

“I don’t know,” replied GIR. He then shrieked happily as he drummed on his head. The Doctor and her friends blinked.

“…You think the ‘G’ stands for ‘garbage’?” Lurra Rus asked Amy.

“I wouldn’t be surprised,” replied Amy.

“GIR, I’ve got some cola for you if you can switch the lights on,” Dib offered GIR.

“Poop cola?!” asked GIR.

“Right here,” replied Dib as he pulled out a bottle of soda.

“OKAY!” GIR turned the lights on, then accepted the drink and walked off to do other things.

“There we go!” said the Doctor. “Now let’s-WHOA!” Her exclamation made everyone look at what she caught sight of, and they made similar exclamations! There, on the couch of the base’s living room was an 800-pound mound of green flesh with a barely visible head. The head had ruby compound eyes, antennae, and an open mouth with drool and foodstuff remains dripping out of it!