Tag: looney tunes

Categories
Doctor Who: Crossings Series 5

A Triple Headache: Part 3

“Who ARE those two?” asked the Second Doctor.

“I presume the fat one is Peg Leg Pete,” remarked the Fourth Doctor. “But the little fellow, I’m not too sure about.”

“LITTLE FELLOW?!” shouted the cowboy. “I’M YOSEMITE SAM! THE ROOTENIST TOOTENIST MEANEST HOMBRE WHAT PACKED A SIX-SHOOTER THIS SIDE OF THE PECOS!”

“Oh, a gun aficionado,” said the present Doctor. “How quaint.”

“QUAINT?!” Yosemite Sam leveled his pistols at her. “YOU’VE GOT FIVE SECONDS TO SAY YOUR PRAYERS, LADY, BEFORE I BLOW YOUR HEAD OFF!”

“Everyone, when I say ‘run’,” directed the Second Doctor, “you run.”

“Which incarnation?” asked Mickey.

“Whichever says it first,” replied the Second Doctor.

“TIME’S UP!” shouted Yosemite Sam.

“RUN!” warned the present Doctor. Everyone ran with Amy and Bugs running with the Second Doctor while Lurra Rus and Mickey ran with the Fourth Doctor. “COME BACK HERE, YA ORNERY-!”

“Why waste time with those pipsqueaks?” asked Pete. “We’ve got a bigger prize here!” Pete reached for the door and tried to open it…but the doors weren’t moving! They were locked!

“One of them galoots probably got the key!” grumbled Yosemite Sam. “You go after the mouse and his compadres, I’ll go after Bugs and his gang!”

“Just a minute, tiny!” snapped Pete as he picked up the cowboy. “I’M the one in charge here! I’LL make the decisions! You go after the rabbit and his buddies, I’ll go after Mickey’s group!” He dropped Yosemite Sam and ran off after Mickey’s group. Yosemite Sam grumbled as he went off after Bugs and his group.

Mickey led the Fourth Doctor and Lurra Rus through the Magic Kingdom, running into Adventureland. “We have to get higher somehow!” said Lurra Rus.

“Higher?” mused Mickey. He then spotted the Magic Carpet ride. “…Well, we COULD blame any damage on Pete, though park maintenance will be grumbling all the while.

“I think I know how to bait that trap,” said the Fourth Doctor with a grin as he dashed to one of the carpets.

“Doctor?!” yelped Mickey.

“A TARDIS key! Of course!” realized Lurra Rus. “…But surely she changed the lock.”

“Oh, I’m sure she did,” replied the Fourth Doctor. “But Pete doesn’t know that.”

“Lurra, you may want to get in line,” suggested Mickey. “And Doctor, I hope you can jump.”

“Naturally,” said the Fourth Doctor. He then made it onto one of the carpets as Lurra Rus started a line while Mickey went to the ride operator’s booth. Pete arrived just in time and was about to shove his way past.

“HEY!” called Lurra Rus. “Don’t you know there’s a line?!”

“Ah, quit squawking!” scoffed Pete. “I gots a fast pass!” He actually scanned a wristband! Mickey shrugged as he let Pete on. Pete then boarded one of the carpets and Mickey started the ride. The carpets spun around the main mechanism, then the Fourth Doctor stood up and jumped off. As Pete was about to do the same, the ride began to spin faster and faster! “HEY! WAIT! WAIT!” shouted Pete in a panic as the carpets became a blur! “STOP THE RIDE! I WANNA GET OFF!”

“…All right, I suppose,” mused Mickey as he hit the emergency brakes. The ride stopped…but physics worked against Pete as he was thrown into a building, then fell to the ground, dizzy and confused.

“Ooh!” winced Lurra Rus as she joined the Fourth Doctor and Mickey in running. “That’s…gotta hurt!”

The Second Doctor, Bugs, and Amy were running towards the bridge leading to Cinderella’s castle. They skidded to a stop when they saw the yellow tape blocking their way. “Huh?!” quizzed Bugs. “Why would the bridge be-?” He saw multiple holes in it.

“…That’s solid stone!” muttered the Second Doctor. “Who would-?” A gunshot interrupted him as a bullet whizzed over his head!

“GOT YA NOW, YA LONG-EARED GALOOT!” called Yosemite Sam.

“Come on!” called Amy as she grabbed the Second Doctor and Bug’s hands, running clear across the bridge. The bridge collapsed behind them, trapping Yosemite Sam on the other side. Down in the water, the sound of a clock could be heard.

“Uh oh!” gulped Bugs. “Tick Tock the Crocodile!” Indeed, a crocodile cruised in the water below. Tick Tock saw Yosemite Sam and gave off the usual crocodile hiss.

“AH, SHADDUP!” shouted Yosemite Sam as he clubbed the poor croc with a long wooden pole. He then got an idea and looked for a pole as long as the other. The Second Doctor then spotted tools.

“Hm…anyone familiar with carpentry?” he pondered with a grin. Bugs and Amy saw the tools, then Amy noticed that Tick Tock had thumbs! A grin crossed her face.

“Maybe our crocodile friend is,” she said. The Second Doctor and Bugs grinned with her. By then, Yosemite Sam arrived with two poles now converted into stilts!

“HA HA!” he cackled. “GOTCHA THIS TIME, YA FLEA-BITTEN VARMINT!”

“Oh, it seems you outsmarted us!” said Bugs. “Oh woe is us! Oh boo the hoo!”

“I suppose,” mused the Second Doctor, “you’d best come here.”

“Darn skippy I am!” Yosemite Sam then got onto the stilts and began walking through the moat on them with Tick Tock snapping at him uselessly!

“Here you are, Tick Tock!” called Amy as she threw the carpentry tools into the moat. Tick Tock gratefully cruised towards the tools, got them, then returned to Yosemite Sam and hissed again. Sam got his club out again and whacked Tick Tock repeatedly.

“HOW MANY TIMES DO I…HAVE TO TELL YOU…to…shut…up?” Sam faltered when he saw the tools in Tick Tock’s hands! Tick Tock worked furiously in shortening the stilts. Yosemite Sam quickly turned around in an attempt to get back to the other side before Tick Tock shortened the stilts too much, but he was at Tick Tock’s level by the time he reached the edge of the moat. Tick Tock snapped furiously at his potential snack, tearing Sam’s clothes. “PEEEEEEEETE!” shouted Sam as he got out of the moat and ran away.

“No, no, no, Doc,” replied Bugs on the other end. “It’s SMEEEEEEEE!” He then chuckled to himself. “What a maroon!”

“Pst! PST!” came a voice. The group looked to see a woman with long, blood-red hair. “This way! Your doctor friend said she’s got a show set up!”

“You’re sure?” asked the Second Doctor.

“Positive!” insisted the red-head. “Come on!”

Pete and Yosemite Sam met up in Fantasyland, battered and bruised. “Imma starting to hate mice as well as rabbits!” grumbled Sam.

“Where ARE those rodents anyways?!” snarled Pete. “I oughta-!”

“There you are!” called the Second Doctor’s voice. He and the Fourth Doctor arrived. “We were wondering where you got to!”

“The show’s about to resume,” explained the Fourth Doctor. “Come along!”

“Wh-show?!” yelped Pete as he and Sam were dragged along. They found themselves on a set with four chairs, two of them occupied by Mickey and Bugs, the audience consisting of all the Disney Princesses, both official or otherwise, as well as their main princes and villains as well as any allies or family. The Second and Fourth Doctor then sat next to Amy and Lurra Rus as the present Doctor sat at a desk with cards in her hands and a buzzer sitting by her right hand.

“What in tarnation-?!” spluttered Sam. Music then played and he and Pete sat down in the empty chairs.

“Hello, and welcome back to Whose Line is it Anyway!” the present Doctor said to a camera. “The show where everything’s made up and the points don’t matter! If you’re keeping score at home…must be nice having all that free time on your hands. We’re going to finish out tonight’s episode with a game called Props! The idea is that the contestants will divide into two teams and think of as many things as they can with the props I give them and I’ll buzz them in between when I get the idea of what they’re doing. Bugs and Mickey, come and get your props.” Bugs and Mickey got up and were handed a pair of what looked like flat pink horseshoes. “And Sam and Pete, come and get your prop.” Sam and Pete got a red cone with red tentacles at the circular base. “All right then, we’ll start with…Bugs and Mickey. Take it away.” Mickey put the horseshoes near his mouth to emulate a bill.

“Wabbit theathon!” he said.

“Duck season!” replied Bugs.

“Wabbit theathon!”

“Duck season!” The Doctor pressed the buzzer. Pete then put the prop on the floor, pointy end up.

“We really should have warned the jester about the quicksand,” he said to Yosemite Sam. The Doctor then buzzed. Bugs then put the horseshoes over his feet.

“Hi, I’m Ryan Stiles!” he said. The Doctor buzzed again. Sam held one of the prop’s tentacles in his mouth and put the rest of it under his arm, playing it like a bagpipe with Pete dancing near him. The Doctor buzzed again. Mickey then formed the horseshoes like a toilet seat.

“Honey, put the seat down when you’re done!” he snapped at Bugs. The Doctor buzzed again. Sam then held his prop like an ice cream cone.

“Consarned heat wave, melting my ice cream!” he complained. The Doctor buzzed again. Bugs and Mickey then held their horseshoes to their waists as if they were pants.

“This town ain’t big enough for the two of us!” challenged Mickey with a cowboy drawl. The Doctor buzzed again. Pete then held the prop.

“I’m just going to dissect the creature,” he said, “and-!” He then shoved it onto his face and acted like it was a facehugger. The Doctor buzzed repeatedly, triggering the explosive in the prop and making it blow up in Pete’s face! Pete fell onto Sam, unconscious.

“We’ll be back with more Whose Line is it Anyway! Don’t go away!” finished the Doctor.

Yosemite Sam and Pete were taken into custody by the authorities a while later. “Well, that was exhilarating!” said the present Doctor as everyone returned to the TARDIS.

“Quite a party!” agreed the Second Doctor.

“It’s a shame that the party’s over,” remarked the Fourth Doctor.

“Well, I gotta get back on the road,” said Bugs. “It was nice seeing you again, Doc! Though, I gotta say, one of you is more than enough.” He dug a hole into the ground.

“Hey, take my advice!” called Mickey. “Avoid Albuquerque altogether!” He then turned to the Doctor and her team. “It was nice to finally meet you, Doctor.”

“And you, Mickey,” said the present Doctor. “We’d best dash. Bye now!” Everyone piled into the TARDIS and it took off.

Inside the TARDIS, the present Doctor checked her sonic screwdriver. “…Aha! So that’s where you boys came from! Well, let’s start with the little fellow.”

“Always with the short jokes!” grumbled the Second Doctor. He then relaxed and smiled. “Still, it was nice to meet me.”

“True,” remarked the present Doctor, “but I hope I don’t meet me again.” She pressed a button and the Second Doctor vanished, waving goodbye to everyone. The present Doctor then turned to the Fourth. “You know, you’ve always been a favorite out of all my incarnations.” The Fourth Doctor flashed his signature grin.

“It’s been a splendid time, Doctor. Goodbye!” He then vanished as he readjusted his scarf. Soon, there was just the present Doctor in the TARDIS with her friends.

“…It was nice to walk down memory lane with you, Doctor,” said Amy.

“Yes, but Mickey’s right,” said Lurra Rus. “One Doctor at a time is enough.”

“Quite right,” agreed the Doctor. She then pondered. “…Feels like I’m forgetting something important. …Ah well, I’ll think about it later. For now, we need to track the next chronal surge!”

Categories
Welcome

A Triple Headache: Part 2

“So…so does that mean you’re all versions of the same person?” asked Mickey.

“Not in the sense that you’re thinking of, Mickey,” replied the Fourth Doctor as he checked the TARDIS. “We’re not just versions of the same Time Lord. We ARE the same Time Lord.”

“Oh, for Pete’s sake!” complained Amy. “You all have a terrible habit of not knowing when to dumb things down!”

“Look, Mr. Mouse, it’s like this,” said Lurra Rus, “when a Time Lord is about to die, either by old age or fatal damage, they go through a process called regeneration. They rewrite themselves on the genetic level to become a totally new person. The regenerating Time Lord could start out having a pale skin tone and be whimsical, then they’d end up in a body that could have an increased melanin count, or be short, or tall, and their new personality could be that of a curmudgeon, or a cynic, or a really wild person.”

“Oh, so it’s not multiverse stuff,” said Mickey, “those three are the same person at different points in their life.”

“Yes! That’s it!” cheered the present Doctor.

“And everyone that believes in reincarnation just punched the air,” said Bugs. “So how did your past lives get here, Doc?”

“Well, my future self DID mention something about a chronal surge,” remarked the Fourth Doctor.

“Oh? And who would develop the technology to do so?” asked the Second Doctor.

“Perhaps if I could explain!” called the present Doctor.

“Yes, perhaps some explanations are in order,” agreed Mickey. By now, everyone was giving the present Doctor their full attention.

“Well, Doctors, you remember that little legend about the Grouping?” asked the present Doctor. “Where chronal surges happen all across time and space and cause chaos by picking people up and plopping them into different time zones?”

“Yes, that’s one of the things Borusa taught us,” replied the Fourth Doctor.

“It’s not a legend, it really happened,” said the present Doctor. “And it’s happening again right now.”

“Oh…oh I see,” said the Second Doctor. “Well, as I said, just as well we turned up, eh?”

“What do you mean?” asked the present Doctor.

“Well, isn’t it obvious?” quizzed the Fourth Doctor. “Your effectiveness is now tripled!”

“Divided by three, you mean,” snarked the present Doctor.

“Now, now, young lady,” chided the Second Doctor. “There’s no need to be ungracious. Now, let’s pop into the TARDIS and examine our little problem, shall we? You don’t mind, do you?”

“Oh, be my guest,” replied the present Doctor.

“Thank you,” bid the Second Doctor as he opened the TARDIS. He then looked inside. “Oh my word!” he yelped. The Fourth Doctor looked inside.

“What?!” he gasped.

“Beautiful, hm?” asked the present Doctor as she joined her fellows. “Amy, Lurra, mind waiting outside for a sec?”

“Um, sure,” replied Amy. The TARDIS doors then shut.

“…Oh. …Ooooohhh, I see what’s going on,” realized Mickey.

“What do you mean, Doc?” asked Bugs.

“Does the phrase ‘You are your own worst critic’ mean anything?” asked Mickey. Amy, Lurra Rus, and Bugs realized where Mickey was coming from.

“How vicious do you think the squabbling will be?” asked Amy to no one in particular.

Inside the TARDIS, the Doctor’s previous incarnations were looking around the console room. “I see you’ve redecorated,” said the Second Doctor. “I don’t like it.”

“I was a fan of the wood-paneling,” remarked the Fourth Doctor.

“The wood paneling?” asked the Second Doctor. “You mean our writing desk?! You’ve used that as the primary console room at one point?!”

“I still am,” replied the Fourth Doctor.

“What’s wrong with the red and gold?” asked the present Doctor. She then saw her second incarnation at one of the panels! “Please, be careful! I-!” The console panel beeped, then powered down.

“I see you’ve been fiddling with the console, haven’t you?!” accused the Second Doctor. By now, the present Doctor was getting annoyed.

“It was perfectly all right until YOU touched it!” she hissed as she shoved the Second Doctor aside and worked to reset the panel. “Now, if you’d just leave things to me-!”

“My dear girl, if we left things to you, we’d be in a fine pickle now, wouldn’t we?”

“Now look, you destabilized the chronal offset-!”

“I most certainly did not!”

“Why did you need the chronal offset stabilized anyways?” asked the Fourth as he flicked a switch.

“That’s the most surefire way of tracking a chronal surge!” replied the present Doctor as she flicked the switch back. “And it also helps me get ahead of the surge so I can deal with the problem before it becomes too big!”

“It seemed to put you in a place where it affected you!” argued the Second Doctor.

“Rather painfully, I would presume,” guessed the Fourth Doctor. As the three Doctors squabbled, they didn’t realize that the communications panel was blinking. It was only when a voice cut through from the scanner that the bickering stopped.

“Hello! Grandfather! Come in!” came a voice. The three Doctors stopped.

“Susan?!” yelped the present Doctor as she and her previous incarnations turned to see Susan Foreman, Lord President of Gallifrey and the Doctor’s Granddaughter, on the screen.

“…Stognav told me you had regenerated, Grandfather,” said Susan, “but I didn’t realize you had turned into a supermodel.”

“OI!” protested the present Doctor.

“The little fellow, I recognize from the Death Zone,” continued Susan. The Second Doctor frowned at the reference to his height. “So which incarnation is the one with the scarf?”

“Oh, he’s the one between the fancy pants and the cricket player,” replied the present Doctor.

“Ah, so he’s the one that was trapped in the time eddy. Well, have you said anything to them?”

“Well, Susan,” replied the Second Doctor, “our arrival WAS because of a chronal surge.”

“So the Grouping affected you twice over,” remarked Susan. “Now, have you done anything?”

“Well, we’ve assessed the situation,” replied the present Doctor. Susan sighed.

“I was afraid you’d say that,” she muttered.

“Well, it’s not easy!” protested the present Doctor.

“Not as if we can accurately figure out where each of us came from in time!” the Second Doctor agreed.

“Surely you three can think of something,” said Susan. “…After you get your past selves back to their native time zones, Grandfather, I DO need to tell you and Amy something.” The present Doctor arched an eyebrow, looking quite concerned.

“…Well, in the meantime,” said the Fourth Doctor, “perhaps we should figure out the exact points in time we came from, eh Doctor?”

“Oh, I quite agree, Doctor,” replied the Second Doctor.

“I think I have an idea,” said the present Doctor. “Susan, I’ll call you back when this particular Grouping event is settled.”

“Very well, Grandfather,” replied Susan. She then ended the call.

“Right, I think we’d best have a little chat,” said the present Doctor. “Telepathically. The situation is rather involved.”

“Oh, very well,” sighed the Second Doctor. He and his future incarnations then shut their eyes. “Contact.”

“Contact,” said the Fourth Doctor.

“Contact,” finished the present Doctor. The three Doctors then had their telepathic conference. After a bit, the Doctors opened their eyes.

“Well, that seems simple,” said the Second Doctor. “Though, I must admit, you two being so dependent on your sonic screwdrivers-.”

“Save it!” hissed the present Doctor. “We already agreed anyways.”

“She’s quite right,” agreed the Fourth Doctor.

“So, with all the screwdrivers synced to mine-!” said all three Doctors. …They then fixed one another with a sour look. The present Doctor then fished a modern-day five-pence coin out of her pocket. Her previous incarnations fished out the same kind of coin, but this was before the current decimal system.

“Call,” directed the present Doctor as all three flipped their coins. They then checked where the coins landed.

“Heads,” said the Second Doctor.

“Heads,” called the Fourth Doctor.

“Tails, I win,” said the present Doctor as she checked a little too quickly. Her previous incarnations didn’t buy it, but didn’t argue.

“…All right,” sighed the Fourth Doctor. “Screwdrivers ready.” The three of them fished out their sonic screwdrivers and the Second and Fourth Doctors pointed their screwdrivers at the present Doctor’s.

“Begin sync-up…NOW!” called the present Doctor. The three activated their screwdrivers and the console room was filled with combined noise for a good five seconds. The Doctors then switched their screwdrivers off and the present Doctor checked hers. “…Calculations are beginning,” she said. “We’ve got-.”

“DOCTOR!” yelped Amy’s voice from outside the TARDIS.

“Uh oh!” gulped the present Doctor.

“I see that hasn’t changed,” remarked the Fourth Doctor.

“Don’t just stand there! Come on!” urged the Second Doctor as he made a dash for the door.

The three Doctors left the TARDIS and the present Doctor locked the time machine. “Amy, what’s going-?!” asked the present Doctor before she saw everyone being held up by a little cowboy with two revolvers and a long, orange moustache. His partner was a giant, obese cat with no tail and overalls held by one strap. “…A stick-up, is it?” asked the present Doctor.

“Sam and I heard through the grapevine,” chuckled the fat cat, “that the box over there is a time machine! Well, given how we always lost to Mickey and Bugs, WE’RE gonna be using it to fix our mistakes!”

“So youse are gonna give up the box,” said the cowboy, “or Imma gonna blow your friends here to smithereenies!”

Categories
Doctor Who: Crossings Series 5

A Triple Headache: Part 1

After closing time for a massive theme park, a mouse looked up at a statue of him and a human looking towards the future with the human pointing in the future’s direction. “…Iger’s not exactly seeing the same future as you, Walt,” sighed the mouse, the famous Mickey Mouse. “At this point, I’m not sure he sees the same great, big, beautiful tomorrow as you.” He then heard something that sounded like digging. “…It’s not him, surely!” said Mickey. The ground near him shifted as if someone was digging a hole from below! The digger then poked his head out and looked around. “BUGS?!” yelped Mickey. The digger, the equally famous Bugs Bunny, looked up in surprise.

“MICKEY?!” he yelped. He then pulled out a map and looked at it. “…Knew I should have gone north at Albuquerque.”

“You get lost there too many times, Bugs,” remarked Mickey. “Why not just avoid Albuquerque altogether?”

“Where’s the fun in that?” asked Bugs as he got out of his hole. He then saw where in the Magic Kingdom he was. “…Thinking about Walt?” he guessed.

“And how he’s spinning in his grave about Bob Iger’s current direction,” replied Mickey bitterly.

“There’s always SOME corporate drama,” muttered Bugs. “I wouldn’t be surprised if Warner Brothers adopts the same stance on AI content like Disney does.”

“None of our companies are really clean, are they?”

“Nah, not really. Other people already wrote the jokes before we did.”

“…You know, I DO hope Warner Brothers DOESN’T follow in our footsteps,” said Mickey.

“I hope not too, Mick,” agreed Bugs. They both looked up at Walt’s statue. “…Your kid’s still fighting the good fight, Walt. You and Lillian both know that, right?” Mickey smiled.

“I think your creators would be proud of you too, Bugs,” said Mickey. As Bugs was about to say something, a noise filled the air. Mickey heard it too. “…Bugs-,” he said.

“You hear it too, huh Mick?” asked Bugs.

“…I think I see it too!” said Mickey as he pointed to the TARDIS materializing. “…The Doctor’s real?! I thought that was a made-up show Disney+ streamed at one point!”

“Oh, the Doctor’s real, Mickey! I met her!” The TARDIS fully materialized and the Doctor and her team stepped out.

“Doctor, are you sure coming here early was a good idea?” asked Amy.

“Positive,” replied the Doctor. “It’s best to get ahead of a chronal surge when you can. That’s why we’re here and now.”

“So where and when IS here and now, exactly?” asked Lurra Rus.

“Mickey, is that a-?!” asked Bugs.

“Well, she’s no cast member here!” replied Mickey. The Doctor looked up and grinned.

“Well, well, well, the most famous cartoon characters in all creation!” she said.

“Bugs?!” asked Amy.

“Amy!” replied Bugs. He then looked at the Doctor. “…Doc?” he asked.

“Yes, it’s me,” replied the Doctor. “How far away from our Mars trip are we? Temporally speaking, of course.”

“That was a few months ago, Doc,” answered Bugs. “But what are you doing here in the first place?”

“Tracking an event called the Grouping,” explained the Doctor. “A series of chronal surges that tend to take someone out of their time and pop them in a different one altogether.”

“I…see…” Bugs didn’t REALLY see, but he wasn’t sure he wanted the Doctor’s attempt at dumbing the explanation down.

“Well, I need to take a few scans and-.” That was when a chronal surge washed over the group. The Doctor then clutched at her left-hand heart! She fell against the TARDIS to steady herself and catch her breath.

“DOCTOR!” yelped Lurra Rus. The Doctor panted as she recovered.

“…Me,” she whispered.

“Doctor?” asked Mickey.

“Doctor, hang on,” said Amy. “The Grouping plucked…YOU out of your time stream?”

“Yes,” confirmed the Doctor. “Twice over. …Both times, I ended up here. In this spatio/temporal location.” The Doctor’s breathing had returned to normal. “That chronal surge whittled me! Twice at the same time! You’ve heard that a man is the sum of his memories, yes? Well, a Time Lord even more so! Come on, let’s go see where I ended up.” The Doctor picked herself up and went to the side of the TARDIS…to find a floppy hat!

“…Doc, didn’t YOU used to wear that?” asked Bugs.

“That hat I wore when we first met,” replied the Doctor, “wasn’t this hat at all.”

“Excuse me,” called a man’s voice, “that would be mine.”

“Oh, here you are!” replied the Doctor as she handed the hat to the man. She then did a double take when she saw the man’s features. He put the hat on his mop of curly brown hair, he had a wide smile, a brown coat, and a ridiculously long multi-colored scarf draped around his shoulders.

“How do you do?” greeted the man as he pulled a bag out of his pocket. “I’m the Doctor. Care for a jelly baby?” The Doctor blinked, then took a sweet from his bag. “That offer applies to everyone,” said the man.

“…Doctor, that’s not-?” asked Amy as everyone got a jelly baby.

“I’m rather afraid so, Amy,” replied the Doctor. “That…is me. Was me. …That’s my fourth incarnation.”

“Oh, so you’re the Doctor as well?” asked the Fourth Doctor. “Perhaps you can account for my being here?”

“It was hardly my fault, you bohemian!” argued the Doctor as she stomped forward. “There was a chronal surge and whoOOPS!” Her foot landed on something tubular and she tripped, running into the Fourth Doctor. “Okay, what was-?!” The Doctor whirled around…to see that she stepped on a recorder. “…Now that looks familiar,” she muttered.

“A flute of some kind?” asked Amy.

“Properly speaking, it’s a recorder,” corrected the Doctor.

“And oddly familiar,” mused the Fourth Doctor.

“Madame, do be careful where you step!” admonished a new man’s voice. The speaker then snatched the recorder from the Doctor’s hand. The Doctor and the Fourth Doctor goggled in surprise as they saw that the man was a little fellow dressed like a tramp with black hair and a bow tie. The man pulled out a rag and cleaned off the recorder, then played on it a bit. “Ah, there we go!” he said, pleased with the results. “Still playable.” He put the recorder in his coat pocket. “Now then, perhaps introductions are in order, hm?”

“I don’t think that’s necessary, Doctor,” replied the Doctor.

“Wait a minute, you just called him…oh no!” groaned Lurra Rus.

“You know my name, Madame?” asked the new man.

“We both do, Doctor,” replied the Fourth Doctor.

“…Oh my word,” realized the man. “So my future, eh? Twice over? Just as well I turned up.”

“Doctor, if that’s another incarnation, which one is he?” Amy asked her Doctor.

“That would be our second,” answered the Doctor.

“I don’t seem to recall meeting that man over there,” remarked the Second Doctor as he pointed at the Fourth.

“He was trapped in a time eddy during our time in the Death Zone,” explained the Doctor. “He’s the one between Fancy Pants and the Cricket Player with the celery on his lapel.”

“Okay, so if this happened to you before twice over,” said Lurra Rus, “how do we solve this?”

“I don’t remember,” replied the Doctor. Her companions gave her a funny look. “Look, it’s something Rassilon put into our genetics.”

“Ah, so they know about Rassilon, then?” asked the Second Doctor.

“They met him…her,” replied the Doctor.

“Met her?” asked the Fourth Doctor. “She’s walking again?”

“Went mad, then traveled with me and went sane, hopefully,” explained the Doctor. “In any event-.”

“Rassilon made it so-!” By now, all the Doctors were talking. The three glared at each other. “…Go ahead. …Rassilon made it-!” Amy held up a hand.

“One at a time,” she said. She pointed at the Second Doctor. “You start us off, then Scarfy, then my Doctor can finish the explanation.”

“You see, Rassilon knew that, with our time travel capabilities,” began the Second Doctor, “we’d accidentally cross into our own time streams, despite all the precautions and laws set down.”

“So, while giving the Time Lords our ability to regenerate,” continued the Fourth, “Rassilon implemented a fail-safe that only the eldest incarnation would remember recall meeting one’s past.”

“But the past can’t exactly remember the future,” finished the present Doctor, “because the past would need to play out so the future would happen. Understand?”

“Yes,” replied Lurra Rus.

“…Really?”

“…No!” Lurra Rus looked pained at the explanation.

“Hold on a minute!” called Mickey. “So, if I’m understanding it right, they’re…alternate universe versions of you?”

“I’m…rather afraid you’re NOT understanding this correctly,” replied the Doctor. “They’re two of us. …Two of ME, to be precise.”

“Oh, no, no, no, no!” interjected the Second Doctor. “I’m sorry, Sir, I hate to be contrary, but I can see the incident has confused the poor girl-.”

“Excuse me?!” snapped the present Doctor.

“And I DO feel you deserve the correct explanation,” continued the Second Doctor. “You don’t mind, do you?”

“Yes!” argued the present Doctor.

“I didn’t think you would. You see, Mickey…I may call you Mickey, mayn’t I? You see, THEY are two of me!” Mickey looked lost at sea.

Categories
Doctor Who: Crossings Series 3

Martian Lunacy: Part 3

“A Time Lord and her compatriots have proven to be more of a nuisance than I anticipated,” reported Marvin. “But this particular Time Lord has a preference to Earth, so I’m having the Illudium Q-39 Explosive Space Modulator retrieved so she can watch her beloved Earth be destroyed as a result of her interference.”

“No, the Q-39 doesn’t have the right explosive yield for that kind of punishment,” dismissed Tyr’ahnee. “Have our production lines construct the Illudium Q-41 Explosive Space Modulator immediately.” Marvin and the Instant Martians gasped in horror.

“Y-Your Majesty!” stammered Marvin. “We’d have to install the core of a hyperdrive engine to engage the command deck’s centrifugal functions! The formula for the Q-41 isn’t stable! The forces unleashed could-!”

“Commander X-2, have you finally become the Earth Creature known as a chicken?” asked Tyr’ahnee coldly. Marvin twiddled his thumbs a bit, then grabbed a communicator.

“…P-PREPARE PRODUC…!” He then took a breath after his voice cracked in terror. “…Prepare Production Lines for construction of the Illudium Q-41 Explosive Space Modulator! Fasten all seat restraints! Seal all doors! Close all shops in the mall! Cancel all movies! Secure all personal belongings! Make sure-!”

“Give me that, you pathetic excuse for a commander!” Tyr’ahnee grabbed the comms unit and spoke into it. “Production Lines, report status on hyperdrive engine core!”

“Engine core installed, Your Majesty!” replied the person on the other end.

“Good! All hands, begin-!”

“Your Majesty,” begged Marvin as he buckled himself into his seat, “you may want to strap in!”

“Ah, strap this!” dismissed Tyr’ahnee. She resumed addressing the complex. “All hands, begin production of the Illudium Q-41 Explosive Space Modulator!” The control room part of the complex then extended and spun like a machine that simulates g-forces! Tyr’ahnee found herself being lifted off the floor and grabbed a nearby control console. “WHAT HAVE I DONE?!” she cried over the roar. “MY BRAINS…ARE GOING INTO MY FEET!” A warning light then flashed.

Over in another part of the complex, Amy reunited with the Doctor. “Doctor!” she said. “Thank goodness! Where’s Bugs?!”

“Over in there, I presume,” replied the Doctor as she pointed out the control room still acting as a centrifuge. “The rotational speed is being fed into a hyperdrive core to make the currently unstable Illudium Q-41 Explosive Space Modulator. Once it blows, then the Ice Warriors will attack.”

“…Is Bugs gonna be okay?” asked Amy, worried.

“He’s gone through worse, oddly enough,” answered the Doctor. Just then, an explosion erupted from part of the complex. “That’s the signal!”

“THE PRODUCTION LINES BLEW UP!” called an Instant Martian.

“WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?!” shouted Tyr’ahnee. “STOP THE RIDE! I WANNA GET OFF!”

“WE CAN’T STOP!” replied Marvin. “IT’S TOO DANGEROUS! WE HAVE TO SLOW DOWN!”

“HORSE HOCKEY!” ordered Tyr’ahnee. “STOP THIS THING! I ORDER YOU! STOOOOOOOOOOPPPP!!!” Marvin couldn’t bring himself to disobey his Queen, so he reached for the emergency stop lever and pulled it. The control room suddenly stopped spinning and Tyr’ahnee flew forward into a control bank! A pair of Instant Martians then helped her up.

“Your Majesty! Are you okay?!” called Marvin as he unbuckled and went to help her.

“…Fine,” mumbled Tyr’ahnee. “How are you?”

“Doing fine, given the circumstances,” replied Marvin. He then saw something on the floor. “Oh! Your hair!” he said as he picked it up.

“Oh, my personality,” said Tyr’ahnee. “Thanks.” Marvin then realized something. …Tyr’ahnee’s hair wasn’t a wig. So… He looked up at Tyr’ahnee…and saw rabbit ears on the top of her head. His eyes became filled with fury. “Tyr’ahnee” noticed this, then realized her…or rather HIS disguise had worn off! It was Bugs Bunny in drag! “…Uh…new Earth fashion?” he tried.

“Oh, that’s not nice!” seethed Marvin as his breathing speed increased. “Impersonating my Queen and sabotaging the production lines makes me angry, Rabbit! Very angry indeed!” As Marvin pulled out a pistol, something knocked on the door.

“Who’s out there?!” demanded an Instant Martian. His question was answered as Taxona, Skaldak, and their armed and very angry Ice Warrior compatriots stormed the command deck and fired their sonic blasters.

“YIPE!” yelped Bugs as he dodged the Ice Warriors’ weapons fire and fled, leaving his disguise behind.

Bugs reunited with the Doctor and Amy. “Doc! Amy!” he called.

“Bugs! How goes the battle?!” asked the Doctor.

“Skaldak and Taxona swarmed the command deck,” replied Bugs, “but now we gotta know if the Ice Warriors win or lose! I can’t just leave them to Marvin!”

“Erm, Bugs, I think we have bigger things to worry about!” replied Amy as she pointed behind Bugs. He then heard breathing and felt air on his tail. He looked behind to see Gossamer ready to charge like a crazed bull.

“Stop steaming up my tail!” snapped Bugs as he smacked Gossamer. “What are you trying to do, wrinkle it?!” Gossamer then gave Bugs a swift kick in the rear! Bugs went tumbling forward, then stopped when he hit a wall.

“BUGS!” yelped the Doctor. She then turned to Gossamer. “I think you need to get the hair out of your eyes!” she said to the monster as she rifled through her pockets. “Let’s see, yo-yo, psychic paper, aha! Acme Clippers!” She pulled out a pair of electric hair clippers and switched them on. Gossamer spluttered in fear.

“CLIPPERS!” he cried before running from the Doctor.

“Come back here, you big baby!” protested the Doctor. “A haircut never hurt anyone!” A baseball bat then hit Gossamer in the face!

“Of course, you realize, Gossamer,” said Bugs as he stepped out of the shadows, holding the bat, “this means war!” That was when the Doctor’s clippers got to work on Gossamer. All that was left was Gossamer’s eyes and sneakers.

“…Good heavens, he really IS all hair!” said the Doctor. She then noticed that the roar of battle had dimmed significantly. “

“…Is that good or bad?” asked Amy.

“Come on!” called the Doctor as she ran to the command deck. Amy and Bugs joined her while Gossamer’s eyes took control of the sneakers and headed off somewhere to reconstruct his hairy body.

The Doctor and her team burst into the command deck. “Skaldak! Taxona!” called the Doctor.

“We’re here,” replied Taxona. The Doctor gasped as she saw Taxona kneeling next to a gravely wounded Skaldak. The Ice Warrior Hero was still as stone. “…He intercepted a killing shot meant for me,” explained Taxona sadly. “…He saved my life by sacrificing his.”

“…And Marvin?” asked the Doctor.

“Being tended to by our medics,” replied Taxona. “I need him healthy for what I’m about to do to him and his ilk. He’ll only wish I had killed him. He have to experience the embarrassment of reporting his failure to Tyr’ahnee.”

“Then the revolution was a success,” said the Doctor.

“And Skaldak will be honored properly once I’m finished with Marvin.”

A few hours later, the Ice Warriors formed an aisle leading to Marvin’s ship, a golden rocket-style ship called the Martian Maggot. Taxona and her people frog-marched Marvin and the surviving Instant Martians to the ship’s airlock, then blocked any means of escape. “Our two races would have made Mars stronger by working together,” Taxona snarled at Marvin. “You and Tyr’ahnee chose to treat us as cattle. Go. Tell Tyr’ahnee that she and all those that rally to her cause are banished from Mars!” Marvin briefly considered trying to escape, but with so many armed and angry Ice Warriors, there was too great a chance he would be killed in the confusion. He then spotted the Doctor blocking his escape route along with the Ice Warriors.

“Don’t look at me,” said the Doctor. “Your people’s exile is a fixed point in Martian history. It’s on you.” With that, Marvin the Martian just fixed everyone with a glare.

“…Tyr’ahnee won’t take this lying down and neither will I, ‘Your Majesty’!” he hissed at Taxona. “Instant Martians, with me!” The exiled Martians boarded the Martian Maggot and it left the spaceport and Mars entirely.

Taxona led the Doctor back to the TARDIS as Ice Warriors set it down carefully on the floor of the old command deck. “I know that was all you asked of me,” said Taxona, “but I would reward you handsomely for what you’ve done for my people, Doctor, Miss Rose, Mr. Bunny.”

“Trust me, freeing the TARDIS from that debris is more than enough,” assured the Doctor.

“And all I need is a ride back home,” said Bugs.

“Very well. But know this, by the Moons, all of Mars honors thee, Doctor!” pledged Taxona.

“By the Moons, we honor thee, Empress Taxona,” replied the Doctor. She and her friends entered the TARDIS and it dematerialized.

The TARDIS returned to the American Woodlands that was Bugs’ home, a few feet from his hole, even! Bugs stepped out. “Hey! Right back home!” he said. “You girls sure you can’t stay? I make a mean carrot juice!”

“Thank you, Bugs,” replied the Doctor, “but Amy and I need to take a vacation. We’ll see you around, though not necessarily in the same order.”

“All right. So long, Doc!” Bugs descended back into his hole while the TARDIS took off, looking for a nice vacation spot.

Categories
Doctor Who: Crossings Series 3

Martian Lunacy: Part 2

The saucer arrived at a spaceport near Olympus Mons. Amy was surprised at something. “…Doctor, how are we breathing and walking like we’re on Earth?” she asked. “I thought the air was different to Earth and the gravity’s supposed to be lighter.”

“A combination of technology and something that people like you and Bugs tap into,” replied the Doctor.

“What’s that?”

“Cartoon physics, the reason why you can pull your hammer out of thin air.”

“Earth Creature and extra-temporal friends,” greeted Marvin as he arrived with two lizard people. The Doctor goggled.

“…You stole their armor!” she hissed. “The Ice Warriors place a lot of honor in their armor and you stole it!”

“Those are Ice Warriors without armor?” asked Amy.

“Yes, and Marvin’s playing with fire!” replied the Doctor.

“I have my means of keeping these Ice Warriors on a leash,” dismissed Marvin. “Now, to finally clear my view of Venus! Warriors! Ready the Illudium Q-39 Explosive Space Modulator!” A massive cannon rose from the floor and was aimed into the Martian sky. Marvin carefully adjusted the cannon and centered Earth in the targeting lens. An Ice Warrior then handed Marvin a red stick of dynamite. Marvin inserted the explosive into the end of the cannon with the fuse sticking out, then pulled out a lighter. He had a bit of trouble getting the lighter to light. “Oh, drat this lighter! It’s so stubborn!” he grumbled. “I could pinch it!” A flame then appeared. “Oh goody! Everyone, plug your ears and close your eyes! It’s going to be loud and bright!” Everyone except the Doctor and her friends did so. Bugs licked his fingers, then extinguished the fuse, then twisted the dynamite out.

“Come on! We gotta scram!” hissed Bugs. The Doctor and Amy nodded and followed him, leaving all the Martians assembled still with their eyes closed and their ears plugged. Marvin then blinked.

“…Where’s the kaboom?” he asked. “There was supposed to be an Earth-shattering kaboom!” He then spotted where the explosive should have been. His eyes bugged out when he realized what happened! “The Illudium Q-39 Explosive Space Modulator! The Time Lord and her friends have stolen the Space Modulator!” He pulled out a walkie-talkie. “Delays, delays!” he grumbled as he made his call. “…Gossamer, there is an Earth creature with a Time Lord and her companion from the future at liberty within the base and carrying the Illudium Q-39 Explosive Space Modulator! Return them and the explosive to me and I shall reward you with that spider goulash you like so much!”

“All right, Doc! What’s the plan?!” asked Bugs.

“Well, obviously,” replied the Doctor, “we have to keep Earth from being blown up so Amy can be born five billion years after Earth’s natural death. We also need to free the Ice Warriors and get Marvin and his ilk off this planet. Too many things happening at once!”

“We’ll have to split up somehow,” muttered Amy. The Doctor skidded to a stop when she saw a pair of Ice Warriors, one male and one female. She goggled in surprise.

“…I recognize that face!” she said. The male Ice Warrior looked.

“A new slave?” he muttered, his spirit broken.

“…I recognize that voice!” whispered the Doctor. “You remember, sir? On that sub? 5,000 years in the ice? You and I stared each other down in that mad state.”

“…It cannot be!” realized the Ice Warrior man. “Doctor?!”

“Grand Marshal Skaldak,” replied the Doctor. “By the moons, I honor thee.”

“You know this guy, Doc?” asked Bugs.

“Sovereign of the Tharseesian Caste and Vanquisher of the Phobos Heresy,” replied the Doctor. “He is THE greatest hero the Ice Warriors have ever produced! …Who is she?”

“The woman with me?” asked the old Ice Warrior. “…She is the Empress’s daughter, Princess Taxona.”

“Taxona?!” gasped Amy. “…Now we REALLY need to save the Ice Warriors!”

“Why bother?” asked the young Taxona.

“Because we’ve seen your future,” replied the Doctor. “And it is an honorable and glorious one for not only Mars, but the entire solar system.”

“…We break the chains?” asked Taxona.

“Yes. But we need to rearm the Ice Warriors,” replied the Doctor. “Skaldak, Taxona, do you know where your armor was stashed? Or if they were destroyed?”

“Marvin and his ilk couldn’t destroy our armor,” replied Taxona, “so he displays them in the lower gallery.”

“Be warned, Doctor,” said Skaldak, “there is a monster lurking around down there that guards the place. Marvin calls it Gossamer.”

“Gossamer?” asked Bugs. “Big hairy monster with sneakers and bad fingernails?”

“That’s him,” replied Skaldak.

“We gotta split up,” muttered Amy.

“…All right, here’s what I’ve got,” said the Doctor.

Amy ran through the lower levels, trying to find the gallery where the armor was stashed. She barreled down a corridor, then skidded to a stop when she saw a trapdoor open ahead of her! Her toes were just hanging over the edge of the hole as she quickly regained her balance. She looked down to see strange monsters snapping like starving alligators in a moat! Amy clasped her hands in prayer, thanking Chaos that she was blessed with good brakes as she backed up. Her progress backwards was halted by something…furry. She then noticed that the shadow being cast was bigger than her! She looked up into the eyes of a monster that had red-orange fur all over the body, burly arms with ugly fingernails, sneakers, and angry eyes! The fur covered its mouth. “…G…Gossamer?” asked Amy. The monster nodded. “Hoo boy! Think fast, Amy!” She then turned fully to face Gossamer. “Sweet Chaos, what is that smell?! It’s coming from your feet!” Gossamer blinked in confusion, then pulled one of his sneakers off and sniffed inside.

“WHOOO!” he yelped, realizing that she was right! Amy immediately sat Gossamer down in a chair and began giving him a pedicure. As she rubbed a pumice stone over Gossamer’s feet, Amy spoke as if she were a salon worker.

“Such an interesting monster you are!” she said. “My stars, if an interesting monster can’t have an interesting foot care routine, then I don’t know what this world is coming to! In my business, you meet so many interesting people! But the most interesting people are the monsters!” She finished rubbing the stone over his feet and getting rid of the dead skin. “Now let’s give our feetsies a little wash!” She brought out a dish of water. Gossamer dipped his feet in…then the mousetraps in the dish snapped shut on his feet

“EEEYYYOOOWW!” screamed Gossamer. Amy took advantage of Gossamer’s predicament to escape. After running down a corridor for a while, Amy saw a sign. It read “Lower Gallery. Do not use the display pieces to rearm the lizards.”

“…No way are they really in there,” said Amy in disbelief. She tried the handle. …The door wasn’t even locked. “…Complacency or a trap?” Amy looked inside to see various suits of Ice Warrior armor and a big red button that read “Lizard Armor Recall.” She decided pressing the button from a distance would be a good idea, so she summoned her hammer and threw it at the button. …The suits then teleported and she could hear happy Ice Warrior roars from far off in the mines of Olympus Mons. “…Complacency!” cackled Amy. “No wonder Bugs beats him so often!” She pulled out a comms unit the Doctor had constructed. “Doctor, Bugs, this is Amy. Did you hear those roars?”

“More than that,” replied the Doctor. “Skaldak and Taxona just slipped into their suits. They’re ready to go on your signal, Bugs.”

“That might be a problem,” said Bugs. “Marvin’s just watered his instant Martians. I’ll have to disguise myself somehow.”

“…You know about that show Daffy made about him in the 24½th Century?” asked the Doctor, shuddering at the unfortunate butchering of a century’s name.

“You mean Duck Dodgers? That old Cartoon Network show? What about it?” asked Bugs.

“The Martian Leader there is real.”

“…I see what you’re saying, Doc! Give me a sec!”

“What is taking so long?!” Marvin complained to one of his Instant Martians, a green, bird-like creature. “Can’t you capture an Earth Creature?!”

“This Earth Creature displays a level of intelligence not usual to the rest of the planet,” replied the Instant Martian.

“Sir!” called another Instant Martian. “We just received a transmission! Her Majesty is here!”

“The Queen?!” yelped Marvin. “Roll out the carpet now! Royal Guard, fall in!” The Instant Martians lined up as a carpet rolled out from the door. The door opened and in stepped Queen Tyr’ahnee Mirkin, the Ruler of Mars. She had the Egyptian-style royal clothes, inky-black body, and the transparent purple skirt of the Martian Queen, but something seemed off. No matter. Marvin had other things to tend to than oddities. “Your Majesty!” greeted Marvin. “Welcome home! I trust your mission was successful?”

“Given what I heard was happening to my planet,” hissed Tyr’ahnee, “I had to leave the mission’s cleanup in the care of the commander I took. What is happening? Why are the Ice Warriors’ suits missing from the lower gallery?! And why is Venus still obstructed by Earth?!”

Categories
Doctor Who: Crossings Series 3

Martian Lunacy: Part 1

A song floated through the TARDIS halls from a shower in the bedroom Amy was using. “Sweet, you’re so sweet, yeah!

Sweet sweet, you’re so sweet!

Sweet sweet, you’re so sweet!

Yeah, yeah, yeah!” Once the song finished, Amy shut off the water, dried off, then got dressed and put on her makeup. With all that done, she headed over to the dining room for breakfast. She looked around, then sighed. “Is she STILL tinkering?” she asked the TARDIS while she keyed in what she wanted from the food synthesizer. The TARDIS warbled a confirmation of the Doctor’s whereabouts as it made Amy’s breakfast appear. “Look, you two like each other, but do you ever just…go off without the Doctor?” The TARDIS didn’t reply, but the humming indicated it was actually considering it. “Who knows? You might find some point in space-time the Doctor’s never been to.” Before the TARDIS could reply, the sound of sparking and a certain Time Lord cursing in her native Gallifreyan filled the air. “Speaking of!” Amy quickly finished her breakfast and headed to the Console Room, the one she was used to instead of the bog-standard one Professor Paradox was in. There was smoke coming from the base of the console. “Doctor?!” called Amy.

“Down here!” coughed the Doctor. She came up the steps and emptied the contents of a fire extinguisher onto the smoking area. Whatever fire was there was put out.

“Doctor, what were you doing?!” protested Amy.

“Trying to see if I could fix navigation again,” replied the Doctor. “After that business with the Sontarans, I figured we’d go to Samur after it was repopulated and declared neutral territory.”

“There’s a bit to unpack there,” remarked Amy.

“Samur is a refuge from the Sontaran/Rutan war in the Madillon Cluster,” explained the Doctor. “The Citadel of Samur stretches the length of the planet along the equator and, post-repopulation, maintains a symbiosis between the buildings and those who dwell within them.”

“And why is it repopulated? What happened to the original population?”

“The Sontarans happened. They encountered a gestalt entity known as the Witch Guard that could split itself into seven bodies and combine them into one. They destroyed them and Samur by unleashing a biological agent labeled Z/002 that created a purple moss with roots that sucked things dry on the molecular level, even the Samurians. After an adventure of mine involving the Sontarans and surviving Witch Guard, the moss receded and Samur was repopulated.”

“And Samur’s now Sontaran-free?” asked Amy incredulously.

“Sontaran AND Rutan-free,” promised the Doctor. The TARDIS made its usual arrival noises. “Aha! We’ve landed! Oh, Amy, one last thing, shoes, boots, slippers, and footwear of all kinds are strictly forbidden within the precincts of the Citadel.” The Doctor took off her own shoes and socks.

“Ooh, Mobians love going barefoot when they can!” said Amy as she took off her shoes. The two left their shoes by the door and the Doctor stepped out…

“OUCH!” she said.

“Doctor?!” yelped Amy.

“I’m fine, I just stepped on a sharp stick,” assured the Doctor. She looked around…to find she missed the mark as usual. “…Ah.”

“This isn’t Samur, is it?” asked Amy.

“No, decidedly not,” sighed the Doctor. She picked up the stick she stepped on and licked it. “…Mid-Summer, 2025, one of America’s forested areas, one that hasn’t been touched by humans yet.”

“America? Are we near William’s home?”

“Cosmically, yes, but we’re hardly within walking distance.” The Doctor pondered. “…Though, given the atmosphere, maybe we can relax here.”

“It DOES have a peaceful air around here,” remarked Amy. “But I’m putting my shoes back on.”

“Really?” asked the Doctor.

“If I’m gonna relax in the great outdoors, no way am I doing it in bare feet. I don’t wanna step on a sharp stick.”

“Fair enough.” The two put their shoes back on…then Amy’s ear twitched.

“…Doctor, is that some Time Lord breathing exercise?” she asked.

“That’s not me,” replied the Doctor. “That’s…a saw?” She looked around, then saw, on the floor, a handsaw blade coming up from below the TARDIS and making a circle.

“What the-?! How-?!” spluttered Amy when she saw the saw. A long, gray-furred arm with a white-gloved hand pushed the sawed-out circle from below, then the owner of the arm pulled himself out of the hole. It was a male, gray-furred humanoid rabbit with white gloves on his hands and long ears pointing up. The rabbit pulled a carrot out of his pocket and munched on it a bit.

“Eh, what’s up, Doc?” he asked.

“…You’re about one syllable off from guessing my name, Mister…” replied the Doctor.

“Bugs, Bugs Bunny,” introduced the rabbit. The Doctor’s eyes went wide.

“Bugs Bunny himself?!” she asked. “Oh, this is just brilliant! Amy, Bugs Bunny and his animal friends and rivals are considered the Early Mobians!”

“…That’s Cream’s ancestor?” asked Amy.

“Pardon me, Doc-,” said Bugs.

“Actually, it’s Doctor,” corrected the Doctor. “And this is my friend, Amy Rose.”

“Hello,” said Amy.

“Charmed, I’m sure,” replied Bugs. “But, listen, you parked yourself on top of my home and-.”

“Oh, good heavens! Is my TARDIS blocking your hole? No wonder you had to saw through! Hang on one moment!” The Doctor fiddled with the console. “I’ve adjusted the relative gravity. We’ll just pick it up and move it. I do apologize.”

“Hey, no worries, Doc!” assured Bugs, relieved that this lady was a lot more polite than most land developers or hunters. Everyone stepped out of the TARDIS and Bugs blinked. “Hang on!” he said.

“Oh, don’t you start,” replied the Doctor. “You lot can pull holes out of your pockets and survive a deadly explosion.” She managed to dig her fingers under the TARDIS. Bugs went to the other side and did the same, then they both lifted the TARDIS up. “All right, I think we should go to the left,” suggested the Doctor.

“Right!” agreed Bugs. They both then moved to their left…though Bugs’ left was the Doctor’s right. They ended up circling.

“Wait a minute! Wait a minute!” protested the Doctor.

“You said left, right?!” argued Bugs.

“And I was going left!”

“No, you’re going right!”

“That’s my left! You’re the one going right!”

“Watch yourself! You’re gonna trip on the hole!”

“You’re the one with the big feet here! This way! THIS WAY!”

“LOOK OUT!” warned Amy. She rolled out of the way as Bugs and the Doctor lost their grip on the TARDIS and it toppled onto its side. Bugs looked at where the TARDIS sat and smiled.

“Well, on the plus side, my front door’s open,” he said.

“Yes, but now MY home has a problem!” muttered the Doctor.

“All right, all right, we can fix this,” soothed Bugs. “Let’s see…Doc, does your home usually float like that?” The TARDIS was rising above the ground.

“I didn’t think I adjusted the relative gravity THAT much!” remarked the Doctor.

“Um, Doctor!” yelped Amy. The Doctor and Bugs looked to see Amy floating up while holding her dress down!

“Okay, that’s a tractor beam!” realized the Doctor. In line with her point, she and Bugs then started floating! They all looked up to see a silver saucer pulling them and the TARDIS inside. “A Martian Drone Saucer!” whispered the Doctor.

“The Ice Warriors or the Aresians?” asked Amy.

“No, no, this is one belonging to a third species of Mars,” explained the Doctor. “He’s a more polite member of Bugs’ rogues gallery.”

“Marvin?” asked Bugs. “You mean this is one of Marvin’s saucers?”

“Yes, though why he’s using a drone ship is beyond me.”

“I think we’re about to find out!” said Amy as everyone was pulled into the ship. The tractor beam switched off once the hatch closed beneath them and they all landed on their bums. At that moment, a hologram of a person appeared. The person was about Amy’s height, had a black ball for a head, wore a red shirt, a Roman Centurion’s helmet and armored skirt, sneakers, and gloves. There were only eyes on the head, no mouth or nose to speak of.

“Welcome, Earth Creatures,” greeted the person somehow. “I am Marvin, Commander X-2 of Mars. You have been selected to work the mines of the volcano your primitive Earth scientists called Olympus Mons. Unfortunately, the Earth will be gone soon. You see, I’m going to finally unleash my new Illudium Q-39 Explosive Space Modulator.”

“It’s just a stick of dynamite,” muttered Bugs.

“This hologram has two-way communications enabled, Rabbit!” snarled Marvin. “It’s not just a stick of your primitive Earth dynamite!” He then calmed down. “In any event, I direct your attention to the ‘Explosive’ part of the name of my new weapon. You see, I’m going to blow the Earth up. It obstructs my view of Venus.”

“Destruction of a civilized world for anything other than last resort,” warned the Doctor, “is against Convention C of the Shadow Proclamation.” Marvin blinked in surprise.

“…You’re an Earth Creature,” he said. “What do Earth Creatures know of the Shadow Proclamation? Your world is a class C civilization; undeveloped!”

“I’m not from Earth. I’m from Gallifrey,” replied the Doctor. “And Miss Rose here is from an Earth Colony that lasted long after its death five billion years from now.”

“A Time Lord? Then the blue box is your TARDIS?” asked Marvin. “Oh peachy! I’ve always wanted to study a Time Lord and see if their ability to regenerate is true!”

“…That’s a bit morbid!” shuddered Bugs.